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♥

Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.
••

A man came home and was greeted by his wife
dressed in a very sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything
you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing......
••

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went
off before I could eat it!
••

Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto.
They even have their own vocabulary:
BFF: Best Friend Fainted..
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth..
CBM: Covered by Medicare..
FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers..
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out..
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
••

Mick says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope
for?"
"I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"
••

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work;
I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
••

The day after visiting a fair, my wife was in agony.
"You know you’re past your prime," she said,
"when you hurt all over and all you rode was
the massage chair."
••

A dray of squirrels
A murmuration of starlings
A mustering of storks
A flight of swallows
A bevy, herd, lamentation, or wedge of swans
A sounder or drift of swine
A hover of trout
••

On a trip today..
Things got quiet and I said to my wife
"say something endearing" and she did, she said
"something endearing".


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♥
At the Buffet...
As I was treating my daughter and her family to the
buffet at a casino, all the bells and whistles for a
winning slot machine began to go off.
My seven-year-old grandson was awed.
“Wow!” he yelled.
“This is like Chuck E. Cheese for old people.”

••

The teacher said, "Now class, we know their are 60
seconds in a minute, 60 minutes in an hour,
24 hours in a day, and 365 days in a year, so who
can tell me how many seconds there are in a year?"
All the kids looked baffled by the question except
Little Pauly, who raised his hand and waved it
excitedly.
"Yes, Pauly, how many seconds are there in a year?"
the teacher asked.
Little Pauly: "Twelve, m'am.
January second,
February second, March second..."

••

I went to view a house on a Native American
reservation:
"I like it" I said, "does it come with running water?"
He said, "Hell no, get your own wife."

••

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,
"Grandpa, do you know
how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No,
how are we alike?''
"You're both old," he replied.

••

I'm reaching out on behalf of a friend of mine who
needs some help!
His wife told him to go out and get some of those
pills that would help him get an erection.
When he came back, he handed her some diet pills.
Anyway, he's looking for a place to live.
Can you help him?

••

A small boy stunned his parents after Sunday School
when he began to empty his pockets of nickels,
dimes and quarters.
Finally his mother asked the obvious question,
"Where did you get all that money?"
"At church," the boy replied nonchalantly.
"They have bowls of it.

••

People who snore always fall asleep first.
--Author Unknown--

••

An elderly shopper at our supermarket used a check
to buy such items as cotton balls, cotton swabs,
powder, and cold cream.
On the memo line, she’d written, "Repairs."

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♥

Consumers  became suspicious when they received '
recorded messages urging them to go to a website
where they could “update” their bank account records.
How did victims know it was just a “phishing”
expedition?
Their caller IDs read “This is a scam.”

 

••

Q: What is the height of stupidity?
 A: 2 men sitting on a motorcycle & fighting for a
window seat....

 

••

"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate
men everywhere? "
'Hold my purse.'

 

••

Tina : I am much at ease on the second day of my
 diet.
 Rina : Is that becuase the body adapts to the diet
plan by then?
 Tina: No, it's because I would have given up by
the next day....

 

••

Retirement is the best thing that has happened to
my brother-in-law.
"I never know what day of the week it is,"
he gloated.
"All I know is, the day the big paper comes,
I have to dress up and go to church."

 

••

Joe Albert Ruiz, 19, was arrested in Santa Maria in
September.
Police said he had broken into a car in the middle
of the night and was in the trunk, disconnecting the
rear speakers, when the trunk closed and locked him
in.
Neighbors reported strange noises, and a police
officer called to the scene heard Ruiz banging on
 the trunk and yelling, "Let me out!"

 

••

After learning that her parents were in a minor
car accident, my wife called her mother.
“What happened?” she asked.”
I was driving and fell asleep,” said her mother,
irritated.
“And of course, your father wasn’t paying attention!”

 

••

A zealous Christian who was trying to convert a
Hindu found himself getting nowhere.
"The thing is," argued the frustrated Christian,
"you have to be born again!"
"But I have been born again!" insisted the Hindu.
"And again and again and again ..."

 

••

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked
his parents "how was I born?"
"Well honey…" said the slightly prudish parent,
"the stork brought you to us."
"OH," said the boy.
"Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.
"Oh, the stork brought us too."
"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?"
he persisted.
"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said
the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the
Lazy Boy recliner.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to
the teacher who read with confusion the opening
sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write
due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural
childbirth in my family for three generations."

 

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♥

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time
girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was
assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.
 His wife was standing there at the bench watching
him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks ...
"Honey, I've been thinking ... now that we are
married, I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting,
hand loading, and fishing.
Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."
 Tim gets this horrified look on his face!
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
Tim replies, "There for a minute you were sounding
like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife?!!", she screams, "I didn't know you were
married before!!!"
Tim continues loading & responds, "I wasn't."

 

••

My boss is coming to my grandad's funeral..
He said, after his three previous funerals he wants
to see him go in the ground this time.

 

••

Paddy says "Mick , I'm thinking of buying a
Labrador ."
Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of
their owners go blind?"

 

••

I rang my boss this morning, "I cant come into work
today due to a bug."
"Okay" He replied, "Whats wrong?
Got the flu? Bad stomach or something?"
"No," I answered, "Theres this biggest  bee by
the front door and I cant get out."

 

••

Sitting on the couch together, my wife said to me,
"Honey, my hands are so cold".
 I said, "Great! Here, hold my beer!"

 

••

What to engrave on the inside of the wedding ring
for my husband- to-be?
I said to my sister, "I want something that has
meaning and will remind him of me."
Her suggestion? "Put it back on."

 

••

At the restaurant, a sign read "Karaoke Tonight!"
Grandma studied it before asking, "What kind of
fish is that?"

 

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♥

Londoner Joanna Kirchmeier arrived home to find
her husband, Helmut, in front of a mirror “just
staring at himself, his pupils tiny.”
Helmut, a newly trained hypnotist, had accidentally
hypnotized himself while rehearsing a new act and
had been standing like that for five hours.

 

••

I work in a busy office, and when a computer goes
down it causes quite an inconvenience.
Recently one of our computers not only crashed,
it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor.
"This computer has flat-lined," a co-worker called
out with mock horror.
"Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"

 

••

Kathryn's 5-year-old developed a strong interest in
spelling once she learned to spell STOP.
After that, she tried to figure out her own words.
From the back seat of the car she'd ask, "Mom, what
does FGRPL spell?"
"Nothing," Kathryn said.
Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask, "Mom, what
does DOEB spell?"
"Nothing," Kathryn answered.
This went on for several weeks.
Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room
she asked, "Mom, what does LMDZ spell?"
Kathryn smiled at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart."
The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed
and said, "Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell
Nothing!"

 

••

At my granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the
guests to see who had been married longest.
It turned out to be my husband and I.
The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to
the newly-married couple?"
I said, "The three most important words in a
marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"
Everyone then looked at my husband.
He said, "She's probably right."

 

••

While my three-year-old grandson was attending a
birthday party, his friend’s father sneaked off to
take a shower before work.
Halfway through, the father heard a tapping on the
shower door, followed by the sight of my grandson
peering in.
Looking around the stall, he asked,
“Is my mom in here?"

 

••

A teddy bear is working on a building site.
He goes for a tea break and when he returns he
notices his pick has been stolen.
The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman.
The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh ,
I forgot to tell you ,
today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

 

••

I cant wait until they could put wings on humans.
Because when they could put wings on humans,
they could put wings on pigs, and when they could
put wings on pigs, lots of pretty girls from college
owe me sex.

 

 

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Still can't post pictures......
Hope they will fix it soon...

••
♥
Sue phones her husband at work, "Dan, do you have
time for a chat?"
"Sorry, darling, this is not a good time -
I'm about to go into a board meeting."
"But this won't take long," Sue says, "I just want to
tell you some good news and some bad news."
"I really haven't the time," says Dan, "so just quickly
tell me the good news."
"Oh all right then, the good news is that the air
bag on your brand new Mercedes works very well."

••
Brian had asked Dave to help him out with cutting
his rather large garden hedge after work, so Dave
went straight over to Brian's home.
When they got to the front door, Brian went straight
up to his wife, gave her a big hug and told her how
beautiful she was and how much he had missed her
at work.
When it was time for supper, he complimented his
wife on her excellent cooking, kissed her and told
her how much he loved her.
Once they were cutting the privet, Dave told Brian
that he was surprised that he fussed so much over
his wife.
Brian said that he'd started this about six months
ago, it had revived their marriage, and things
couldn't be better.
Dave thought he'd give it a go.
When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug,
kissed her and told her that he loved her.
His wife burst into tears.
Dave was confused and asked why she was crying.
She said, "This is the worst day of my life.
First, little Nigel fell off his bike and twisted his
ankle then, the washing machine broke and flooded
the basement and now, you come home drunk"...

••
Granddaughter is sitting on Grandpa's lap as he
reads the paper not paying any attention to her.
So she starts studying the wrinkles on his old face.
She gets up the nerve and rubs her fingers over the
wrinkles and then over her own face and looks more
puzzled.
She finally asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
'He sure did honey, a long long time ago", he replied.
"Well, did God make me?` she asked.
"Yes He did, and that wasn't too long ago,"
he answered.
She thought for a minute and then said, "Wow!
He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"

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♥

 

 

 

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Another day of not being able to post pictures..... Sorry!

☺☺
♥

After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines,
surly clerks and insane regulations at the
department of motor vehicles, a lady stopped at
a toy store to pick up a gift for her son.
She brought her selection - a baseball bat to the
cash register.
"Cash or charge," the clerk asked.
"Cash," she snapped.
Then apologizing for her rudeness, she explained,
" I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle
bureau....... I am not too sane right now!!"
 "Shall I gift -wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly,
"Or or you going back?"

••
After a lengthy delay for plane repairs, the
passengers were becoming impatient but quit
complaining when the pilot told them:
"Why don't you look at it this way?
Wouldn't you rather be down here wishing you were
up there than up there wishing you were down here?"

••
You've got to be really careful what you say to
people these days.
A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging that
he had the entire Koran on CD......
All I did was ask him to burn me a copy and all
hell broke loose !

••
I had plastic surgery last week.
My wife cut up my credit cards.

••
"I was shopping for a car and asked the salesman
the sticker price.
He said $200.
'Not much for a car,' I said.
'The car's extra,' he said."

••
Little Johnny says to his mother
"Mommy, I have to go and tinkle."
The mother replies back "Would you like Mommy to
take you?".
Little Johnny says "No, let grandma...
her hand shakes!"

••
What Confucius Didn't Say...
Squirrel who runs up woman's' leg will not find nuts.

••
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

••
Did you hear about Michael Vick's new shoe
endorsement deal?
He now endorses "Hush Puppies"!

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Well the Blogger won't let me load pictures.....

 

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♥

 

 

••

A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come

out of the bottle.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her
four-year-old daughter to answer the phone.
 "It's the minister, Mommy" the child said to her
mother.
Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone
right now. She's hitting the bottle."

 

••

When things go wrong,

 When sadness fill your heart,
 When tears flow in your eyes,
 Just let me know,
 Cause I want to be there for you,
 I am selling tissues,buy one get one free....

 

••

A New Year’s Blessing for 2013.
May your life belike a big roll of toilet paper,
Long and useful.

 

••

How do you talk to a fish?

You drop him a line.

 

••

Early one Saturday morning, the flashing lights of a

police car appeared in my rearview mirror.
After checking my license and registration, the
officer asked, "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
"No, I responded.
"One of your taillights is out." he said......
"I'm going to have to issue a warning.
"Whew," I said, without thinking.
"I thought it was because my inspection had expired."

 

••

A woman was waiting at the checkout at a busy

supermarket.
Her arms were heavily laden with a mop and broom
and other cleaning supplies.
By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she
was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness
of the line.
When the cashier called for a price check on a box of
soap, the woman remarked indignantly,
"Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home
before Christmas!"
"Don't worry," replied the checkout person.
"With that wind kicking up out there and that brand
new broom you have here, you'll be home in no time.

 

••

Q:What goes up but never comes down?

A:Your age!

 

••

A very nervous man, accompanied by his nagging

wife, was examined by a doctor.
After checking the chart and listening to the wife's
ceaseless chatter, he nodded and wrote the man a
prescription for a powerful tranquilizer.
The man asked: "How often do I take these?"
 "Let's start with once every six hours.
But they're not for you," replied the doctor:
"They're for your wife."

 

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♥

 

Woke up late, so I put Red Bull in the coffee machine
instead of water.
Got halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

 

••

My wife and I were chatting about New Years
resolutions.
When I told her I had no idea what mine should be
she said.
"You should rid yourself of all that is negative in
your life".
God, I hope she'll be alright.

 

••

Chuck Norris doesn't read books.
He stares them down until he gets the information
he wants.

 

••

This guy told me he is the fastest cross dresser in the
world.
I said, "Really?"
She said, "Yes."

 

••

Have you ever seen a twenty dollar note all crumpled
up?" asked the wife.
 "No," I said.
 She gave me a sexy little smile, reached into her
cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar
note.
 "Have you ever seen a fifty dollar note all crumpled
up?" she asked.
 "No," I said.
 She gave me another sexy little smile, reached into
her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar
note.
 "Now," she said, "have you ever seen 30,000 pounds
 all crumpled up?"
 "No," I said, intrigued.
 "Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."

 

••

Bob: "So, you say that you won the conversion with
your wife yesterday."
 Joe: "Yes, she came crawling on her hands and
knees."
 Bob: "Really? What did she say?"
 Joe: "Come out from under the bed, you coward....

 

••

I just bought myself a pair of mood underwear.
When I'm ecstatic, they glow pink.
When I'm terrified, a brown strip appears down
the middle.

 

••

Truth is more of a stranger than fiction. -Mark Twain

 

••

Man dies and goes to hell....
when he gets there he finds himself surrounded by
scantly clad beautiful and willing women.
A couple of months later the devil drops by and asks
him how he likes being in hell?
Man says its nothing like I thought it would be.
All these pretty and willing women.
Only problem is, I can't seem to get an erection.
Devil says "yeah, that's the hell of it."

 

••

Useless Knowledge;
An adult giraffe´s kick is so powerful it can
decapitate a lion.
 

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☺☺

••

♥

 

I broke up with my girlfriend last night using the
classic line "It's not you, it's me."
 "You're just saying that to make me feel better"
she sobbed.
 "No, it is me" I replied, "My wife's found out."

 

••

Did you know Arnold Schwarzenegger is related to
Johann Sebastian Bach?
His grandfather on his mother's side was Albie Bach!

 

••

A teacher had just discussed magnets with her class.
At the close of the lesson, she said, "My name begins
with `m,' have six letters, and I pick up things.
What am I?"
Julia thought for a moment, then answered,
"Mother!"

 

••

What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A whine cellar.

 

••

I remember my first week in the "Preliminary
Nursing Course" as it used to be called in the days
of hospital training way back when.
We were to go to the wards to do the sponge baths.
The educator for our group took us outside and said,
"Now all you nurses who have never seen a naked
man stand on my right side, those who have seen a
naked man stand on my left."
Twelve young seventeen-year-olds paled as we looked
into each other's eyes.
What to admit to?

 

••

"Billy, did you take my car out last night?"
"I went for a spin with a couple of the guys."
"Well, tell them I found two of their lipsticks!"

 

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