••
♥
Woke up late, so I put Red Bull in the coffee machine
instead of water.
Got halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.
instead of water.
Got halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.
••
My wife and I were chatting about New Years
resolutions.
When I told her I had no idea what mine should be
she said.
"You should rid yourself of all that is negative in
your life".
God, I hope she'll be alright.
resolutions.
When I told her I had no idea what mine should be
she said.
"You should rid yourself of all that is negative in
your life".
God, I hope she'll be alright.
••
Chuck Norris doesn't read books.
He stares them down until he gets the information
he wants.
He stares them down until he gets the information
he wants.
••
This guy told me he is the fastest cross dresser in the
world.
I said, "Really?"
She said, "Yes."
world.
I said, "Really?"
She said, "Yes."
••
Have you ever seen a twenty dollar note all crumpled
up?" asked the wife.
"No," I said.
She gave me a sexy little smile, reached into her
cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar
note.
"Have you ever seen a fifty dollar note all crumpled
up?" she asked.
"No," I said.
She gave me another sexy little smile, reached into
her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar
note.
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen 30,000 pounds
all crumpled up?"
"No," I said, intrigued.
"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."
up?" asked the wife.
"No," I said.
She gave me a sexy little smile, reached into her
cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar
note.
"Have you ever seen a fifty dollar note all crumpled
up?" she asked.
"No," I said.
She gave me another sexy little smile, reached into
her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar
note.
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen 30,000 pounds
all crumpled up?"
"No," I said, intrigued.
"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."
••
Bob: "So, you say that you won the conversion with
your wife yesterday."
Joe: "Yes, she came crawling on her hands and
knees."
Bob: "Really? What did she say?"
Joe: "Come out from under the bed, you coward....
your wife yesterday."
Joe: "Yes, she came crawling on her hands and
knees."
Bob: "Really? What did she say?"
Joe: "Come out from under the bed, you coward....
••
I just bought myself a pair of mood underwear.
When I'm ecstatic, they glow pink.
When I'm terrified, a brown strip appears down
the middle.
When I'm ecstatic, they glow pink.
When I'm terrified, a brown strip appears down
the middle.
••
Truth is more of a stranger than fiction. -Mark Twain
••
Man dies and goes to hell....
when he gets there he finds himself surrounded by
scantly clad beautiful and willing women.
A couple of months later the devil drops by and asks
him how he likes being in hell?
Man says its nothing like I thought it would be.
All these pretty and willing women.
Only problem is, I can't seem to get an erection.
Devil says "yeah, that's the hell of it."
when he gets there he finds himself surrounded by
scantly clad beautiful and willing women.
A couple of months later the devil drops by and asks
him how he likes being in hell?
Man says its nothing like I thought it would be.
All these pretty and willing women.
Only problem is, I can't seem to get an erection.
Devil says "yeah, that's the hell of it."
••
Useless Knowledge;
An adult giraffe´s kick is so powerful it can
decapitate a lion.
An adult giraffe´s kick is so powerful it can
decapitate a lion.
••••
