Good Morning, Friends and neighbors...
Well, new week...
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 “Over the weekend, 11 Secret
Service agents were busted with prostitutes. …
Honestly, I don’t want to judge these people.
They’re role models who sacrifice so much for
others and so are the Secret Service.
Here’s what scares me though.
If a Secret Service guy can’t even go to a hooker
and keep it secret, what hope — ?”

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“President Obama talked about
the scandal today.
He said he’s reserving judgment until all the facts
are in or at least until he figures out a way to
blame this on Mitt Romney.”
 

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Mommy finished telling her little girl all about the
making of babies.
The daughter was silent for a while taking it all in.
"You understand it now?" Mommy asked.
"Yes," replied her daughter.
"Do you still have any questions?"
"Yes, how about little kittens?
How does that work?"
"In exactly the same way as with babies."
"Wow!" the girl exclaimed.
"My daddy can do ANYTHING!"

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My four-year-old grandson and I visited the
cemetery together. 
"Neil,"  I said,  my mom and dad are your
great-grand-parents. 
They're buried here." 
Neil examined the names and dates on the grave
monument while I did some much-needed
weeding.
Suddenly I felt a tug on my sleeve. 
Grandpa, " asked Neil, eyeing the small garden
spade in my hand, " you're not digging them up,
are you?"

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I got a phone call.....
The woman said, "Mr Jones?"
I said, "Speaking."
"This is the General Hospital.
Your wife was involved in a car accident."
I said, "Is she ok?"
"She's waiting to go into the operating room,
but she is conscious."
I said, "Thank god, can you ask her where my
clean shirt is?
I'm going out in an hour."  

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The man looked a little worried when the doctor
came in to administer his annual physical, so the
first thing the doctor did was to ask whether
anything was troubling him.
 "Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the
patient.
"You see, I seem to be getting forgetful.
I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car,
or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going,
or what it is I'm going to do once I get there --
if I get there.
So, I really need your help...... What can I do?"
 The doctor mused for a moment, then answered
in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance."

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Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he
does crying scenes.

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A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up his
tatties (a Scots word for potatoes).
An American farmer looked over the fence and
said "In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger
than that!"
The Scotsman replied " Ah but we just grow them
for our own mouths!"

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A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.

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Good Morning, Friends.....
A few fun pictures and jokes...
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Paddy and Murphy doing a crossword, i'm stuck
on 2 down murphy, flightless bird from iceland....
Murphy replies ya thick twat thats easy....
Frozen chicken!!!

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I was walking down the street with my wife
earlier when she accused me of being ashamed
to be seen with her.
"That's total bollocks" I replied.
By text, from across the road.

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The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised
when a young lady about twenty years old walked
up and sat on his lap.
Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults,
but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her,
"What do you want for Christmas?"
 "Something for my mother," said the young lady.
"Something for your mother?
Well, that's very thoughtful of you,'' smiled Santa.
"What do you want me to bring her? "
 Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!"

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Did you hear about the new age fanatic who
refused Novocain during a root canal?
He was able to transcend dental medication.

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Jerry was distraught.
He was talking to the guys about his dilemma.
"I think the hunting trip is off, guys," he said.
Jim said, "Well, you talked it over with your wife,
what did she say?"
Jerry said, "She doesn't see anything wrong with
it at all.
In fact she thinks two weeks holed up in a cabin
in Canada alone with the boys would do our
marriage some good."
"And..." said Jack.
 Jerry stammered," I just don't think she should
go."

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I hate people who make loud noises on public
transport...... Especially suicide bombers.

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A junior high had a zero tolerance policy on name
calling, so a teacher had a concern when a student
complained another student had called him the
"E" word.
 "E" word? the teacher asked, puzzled as she could
could not think of one.
The student lowered his voice and muttered,
"idiot"

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The only sure things are Death and Taxes...
and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS,
they'll be the same thing.

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Edward Hale, while Chaplin of the U.S. Senate,
was asked, do you pray for the Senators?
He quickly replied, no, after getting to know the
Senators, I pray for the people.

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Good Morning,Friends....
Well, the Hummers are back fighting
over the feeders....
Real shy, so no pictures yet...
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Outrage;
"Apparently, I’m supposed to be more outraged
by what Mitt Romney does with his money than
by what Barack Obama does with mine."
 

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Joe was in court charged with parking his car in a
restricted area.
The judge asked him if he had anything to say in
his defense.
 “They should not put up such misleading notices,”
said Joe.
 “It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE.”

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"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked
one of his employees.
 "Yes, sir," the clerk replied.
 "That's good," the boss said.
"After you left early yesterday to go to your
grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

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Advice from children...
Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10
When your dad is mad and asks you,
'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him. - Michael, 14
Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
 - Michael, 14
Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9
Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13
Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to.
- Emily, 10
Never allow your three-year old brother in the
same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14
Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same
time. - Kyoyo, 9
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
- Armir

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I was sick at home, so drank some OJ. Might as
well make myself juiceful around the house.

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A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks
the owner, "How much for that TV set in the
window?"
 The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the
stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads."
So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit toking
and will come back the next week to buy the TV.
A week later, the stoner comes back and says,
"I quit smoking pot.
Now, how much for that TV set in the window?"
And the owner says, "I told you I don't sell to
potheads!"
So the stoner leaves again.
He comes back a week later and says, "How much
for that TV?"
The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again,
I don't sell to potheads!!!"
The stoner looks back at the owner and says,
"How can you tell I'm a pothead?"
The owner looks back and says.......
"Because that's a microwave."

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My wife and I had a huge fight last night,
she called me gullible and said I was
"financially irresponsible."
 I can't wait to see her face when I tell her I've
just won the Nigerian lottery.

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My wife walked in to find me home and says
"Why aren't you at work?"
I tell her that I called in sick.
She says "youre not sick"
I say "I plan on using handcuffs AND jello,
just how sick do I have to get?"
Besides, they wouldn't let me call in horny.

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A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.
Already there is a long-time resident who looks
100 years old.
The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says, "Look at me.
I'm old and worn out.
You'd never believe that I used to live the life of
Riley.
I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine
cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all
the best restaurants of France."
 The new man asked, "What happened?"
"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"

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The best way to make people remember you?
Borrow money from them.

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Good "TGIF" Morning, Friends..
Ready for the weekend?
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I knocked on my neighbours door and said,
"My son was just about to cut the grass but he
can't seem to operate the lawnmower properly,
could I borrow yours?"
"Yeah, sure" he replied.
I said, "Great, tell him to hurry up, I've got friends
coming round for a BBQ in an hour."

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How did the moose keep his antlers from being
stolen?
He locked horns with another moose.

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Just before the funeral services, the undertaker
came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
"How old was your husband?"
 "98," she replied, "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, huh?"

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A young man called his mother and announced
excitedly that he had just met the woman of his
dreams.
Now what should he do?
 His mother had an idea: “Why don’t you send her
flowers, and on the card invite her to your
apartment for a homecooked meal?”
 He thought this was a great strategy, and arranged
a date for a week later.
His mother called the day after the big date to see
how things had gone.
 “The evening was a disaster,” he moaned.
“Why, didn’t she come over?” asked his mother.
“Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook.”

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The happy couple were being interviewed on their
Golden Wedding Anniversary.
The society reporter asked, "In all that time, did
you ever consider a divorce?"
 "Oh, no, not divorce, we're too old fashioned for
that," the husband replied.
"Murder sometimes," the wife offered "but never
divorce."

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When we finished a personality assessment at work,
I asked my friend Dan if he would share the results
with his wife.
"That would require me to go home and say,
Hi, honey......
I just paid someone $400 to tell me what's wrong
with me," he said.
"And based on that, considering we've been
married 23 years, she'd hand me a bill for about
$798,000."

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A rather awkward freshman finally got up the
nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the
homecoming.
She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry.......
I won't dance with a child."
"Please forgive me," responded the underclassman.
"I didn't realize you were pregnant."

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Good Morning, friends...
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Two old guys were sitting in a bar having a few.
The one turns to the others and says "you know I
have been driving for 40 years and I've never had
a wreck"
The other looks up and says, "I've been driving a
wreck for 40 years and never had a car"

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From time to time my wife puts on her wedding
dress.
Not because she's sentimental.
She really gets that far behind with the laundry.

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A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human
race appear?'
The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve
and they had children and so all mankind was
made.'
Two days later the girl asked her father the same
question.
The father answered, 'Many years ago there were
monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said,
'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the
human race was created by God and Dad said they
all developed from monkeys?'
The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family and your
father told you about his.'

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There's been a zombie outbreak in Las Vegas.
 It's OK though, it's staying in Vegas.

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An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house
the following: “Please send me one of those
gasoline engines for my boat you show on page
561, and if it’s any good, I’ll send you a check.”
 In a short time he received the following reply:
“Please send check.
If it’s any good, we’ll send the engine.”

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"President Obama released his tax returns.
It turns out he made $900,000 less in 2011 than
he did in 2010.
You know what that means?
Even Obama is doing worse under President
Obama."

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I failed a Health and Safety course at work today.
One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire,
what steps would you take?"
"Big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

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During an Army war game, a commanding officer’s
jeep got stuck in the mud.
The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby
and asked them to help him get it unstuck.
 “Sorry sir,” said one of the loafers, “but we’ve been
classified dead, and the umpire said we couldn’t
contribute in any way.”
The C.O. turned to his driver and said, “Go drag a
couple of those dead bodies over here, and throw
them under the wheels to give us some traction.”

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♫

Good Morning....
Well, it's hump day....
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Was a big thing, one time....

Cat House??

She ain't telling.....

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I went into the barber's shop and asked to have
something really different.
"I'm tired of looking like everyone else!
Part my hair from ear-to-ear," I said.
The barber did as he was told, but I went back a
couple days later and asked for my old style back.
"What's wrong?" asked the barber, "I thought you
wanted to be a non-conformist."
"I do, but I'm tired of people whispering in
my nose!"

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Lynn and Mark, my sister and her husband,
were chatting with some friends when the subject
of marriage counselling came up.
"We'll never need that," Lynn explained. 
" Mark was a communications major in college,
and I majored in theatre. 
So he communicates real well, and I act like
I'm listening."

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A woman had for years criticized her friend for
being extremely disorganized.
After helping her friend move to a new apartment,
she felt she might have been unfair.
She carried one box into the new home which
was labeled, "stuff I picked up from the floor."

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At a training session in the fire station,
the team was assembled around the kitchen table.
The training officer was discussing the behavior
of fire: "You pull up to a house and notice puffs
of smoke coming from the eaves, blackened out
windows and little or no visible flame.
What does this tell you?" he asked.
Expecting to hear that 'the house is in a possible
backdraft situation,' a condition very dangerous
to fire fighters, he instead heard from one quick
wit, "You got the right place."

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After a car crash one of the drivers is lying
injured at the side of the road.
'Don't worry,' said a policeman, a Red Cross
nurse is coming to attend to you.'
Oh no,' groaned the victim, 'couldn't I have a
blonde, cheerful one?'

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I said to my wife, "I was just reading in a
scientific paper today that blades of grass can
actually feel pain...... Amazing isn't it?"
"Nice try Bubba.
The lawnmower's in the shed."

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The level of pollution in the world today is
becoming intolerable.
Only the other day I opened a can of sardines to
find it was full of oil and all the fish were dead.
 

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The psychology teacher had just finished a
lecture on mental health and was giving an oral
test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression,
she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient
who walks back and forth screaming at the top of
his lungs one minute, then sit in a chair weeping
uncontrollably the next?"
 A young man in the rear raised his hand and
answered. "A football coach?"

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In his science class, my ten-year-old grandson
Sam was learning about hibernation. 
He brought his test paper home the day after the
exam.
One question was:  "Into what state of inactivity
do animals go during the winter months?"
Sam had pencilled in: "Florida"

((((((((((((())))))))))

 

Good Morning.....
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One benefit of living in Afghanistan is the 2 hours
saved per year scrolling to your country on online
order forms...

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Two young boys were discussing their ailments
together in the children's ward.
"Are you medical or surgical?" asked the first,
who had been in the ward for a week.
 "I don't know what you mean," replied the second.
"It's simple," replied the first.
"Were you sick when you came in here?
Or did they make you sick when you got here?"

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Just had to get a reference from my old boss at
the helium factory.
Luckily, he spoke very highly of me.

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It was the little girl's first day at school and the
teacher was making out her registration card.
"What is your father's name?
"Daddy," replied the child.
"Yes, I know, but what does your mother call him?"
"Oh, she doesn't call him anything.
She likes him!"

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A father found his small son looking very unhappy.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
The boy said, "I can't get along with your wife."

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Paddy and Mick shared first prize of $500,000 in
the Irish Sweepstakes and were celebrating their
winnings over a jar of stout.
"But Paddy, Oi've been thinking," Mick said with
a worried frown, "what will we do with all them
beggin' letters?"
"Aah to be shure," said Paddy, "we'll just go on
sending 'em out."

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Q: Did you know that they had automobiles in
Jesus’ time?
A: Yes, the Bible says that the disciples were all of
one Accord.

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When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the
Hulk.
When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into
Chuck Norris.

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☺

Good Morning Friends and neighbors...
Wow....was a warm weekend.....
Also saw my first hummingbird Sunday....
Their a little early this year..
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Gus was in the hospital recovering from surgery
when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
 “I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the
doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
 “What did he say,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”

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Those three boys are in the schoolyard bragging
of how great their fathers are.
The first one says: "Well, my father runs the
fastest.
He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you,
he gets there before the arrow".
The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast!
My father is a hunter.
He can shoot his gun and be there before the
bullet".
The third one listens to the other two and shakes
his head.
He then says: "You two know nothing about fast.
My father is a civil servant.
He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!!

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At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place,
and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming
voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you
didn't believe in Me!"

"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded.
"Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness
monster either!"

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A young man studying in a college abroad sent
this SMS to his father: Dear dad, no mon, no fun,
your son.
The father replied: Dear son, too bad, so sad,
your dad.

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When my three-year-old son opened the birthday
gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water
pistol.
He squealed with delight and headed for the
nearest sink.
 I was not so pleased.
I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you.
Don't you remember how we used to drive you
crazy with waterguns?"
 Mom smiled and then replied, "Oh, I remember...."

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Definition of Debt........
Debt means you had more fun than you were
supposed to.

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Two anthropologists fly to the south sea islands
to study the natives.
They go to two adjacent islands and set to work.
A few months later one of them takes a canoe over
to the other island to see how his colleague is
doing.
When he gets there, he finds the other
anthropologist standing among a group of natives.
"Greetings! How is it going?" says the visiting
anthropologist.
"Wonderful!" says the other, "I have discovered
an important fact about the local language!
Watch!"
He points at a palm tree and says, "what is that?"
The natives, in unison, say "Umbalo-gong!"
He then points at a rock and says, "and that?"
The natives again intone "Umbalo-gong!"
"You see!", says the beaming anthropologist,
"They use the SAME word for 'rock' and for "palm
tree!"
"That is truly amazing!" says the astonished
visiting anthropologist, "On the other island,
the same word means 'index finger'!"

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A power nap is when you sleep on someone
whos weaker than you.