Well, the Hummers are back fighting
over the feeders....
Real shy, so no pictures yet...
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Outrage;
"Apparently, I’m supposed to be more outraged
by what Mitt Romney does with his money than
by what Barack Obama does with mine."
"Apparently, I’m supposed to be more outraged
by what Mitt Romney does with his money than
by what Barack Obama does with mine."
••
Joe was in court charged with parking his car in a
restricted area.
The judge asked him if he had anything to say in
his defense.
“They should not put up such misleading notices,”
said Joe.
“It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE.”
restricted area.
The judge asked him if he had anything to say in
his defense.
“They should not put up such misleading notices,”
said Joe.
“It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE.”
••
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked
one of his employees.
"Yes, sir," the clerk replied.
"That's good," the boss said.
"After you left early yesterday to go to your
grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
one of his employees.
"Yes, sir," the clerk replied.
"That's good," the boss said.
"After you left early yesterday to go to your
grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
••
Advice from children...
Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10
When your dad is mad and asks you,
'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him. - Michael, 14
Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
- Michael, 14
Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9
Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13
Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to.
- Emily, 10
Never allow your three-year old brother in the
same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14
Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same
time. - Kyoyo, 9
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
- Armir
Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10
When your dad is mad and asks you,
'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him. - Michael, 14
Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
- Michael, 14
Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9
Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13
Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to.
- Emily, 10
Never allow your three-year old brother in the
same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14
Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same
time. - Kyoyo, 9
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
- Armir
••
I was sick at home, so drank some OJ. Might as
well make myself juiceful around the house.
well make myself juiceful around the house.
••
A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks
the owner, "How much for that TV set in the
window?"
The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the
stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads."
So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit toking
and will come back the next week to buy the TV.
A week later, the stoner comes back and says,
"I quit smoking pot.
Now, how much for that TV set in the window?"
And the owner says, "I told you I don't sell to
potheads!"
So the stoner leaves again.
He comes back a week later and says, "How much
for that TV?"
The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again,
I don't sell to potheads!!!"
The stoner looks back at the owner and says,
"How can you tell I'm a pothead?"
The owner looks back and says.......
"Because that's a microwave."
the owner, "How much for that TV set in the
window?"
The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the
stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads."
So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit toking
and will come back the next week to buy the TV.
A week later, the stoner comes back and says,
"I quit smoking pot.
Now, how much for that TV set in the window?"
And the owner says, "I told you I don't sell to
potheads!"
So the stoner leaves again.
He comes back a week later and says, "How much
for that TV?"
The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again,
I don't sell to potheads!!!"
The stoner looks back at the owner and says,
"How can you tell I'm a pothead?"
The owner looks back and says.......
"Because that's a microwave."
••
My wife and I had a huge fight last night,
she called me gullible and said I was
"financially irresponsible."
I can't wait to see her face when I tell her I've
just won the Nigerian lottery.
she called me gullible and said I was
"financially irresponsible."
I can't wait to see her face when I tell her I've
just won the Nigerian lottery.
••
My wife walked in to find me home and says
"Why aren't you at work?"
I tell her that I called in sick.
She says "youre not sick"
I say "I plan on using handcuffs AND jello,
just how sick do I have to get?"
Besides, they wouldn't let me call in horny.
"Why aren't you at work?"
I tell her that I called in sick.
She says "youre not sick"
I say "I plan on using handcuffs AND jello,
just how sick do I have to get?"
Besides, they wouldn't let me call in horny.
••
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.
Already there is a long-time resident who looks
100 years old.
The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says, "Look at me.
I'm old and worn out.
You'd never believe that I used to live the life of
Riley.
I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine
cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all
the best restaurants of France."
The new man asked, "What happened?"
"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
Already there is a long-time resident who looks
100 years old.
The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says, "Look at me.
I'm old and worn out.
You'd never believe that I used to live the life of
Riley.
I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine
cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all
the best restaurants of France."
The new man asked, "What happened?"
"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
••
The best way to make people remember you?
Borrow money from them.
Borrow money from them.
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