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♥

In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.
If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a
lecture on lip cancer...

 

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A young girl started work in the village drug store.
She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the
public.  
After a few weeks the owner was going on holiday for
a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to
run the shop on her own. 
She had to confide in him her worries about selling
the contraceptives.
"Look," he said.....
"My regular customers don’t ask for condoms,
they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or
a 330[large] so the word condom won’t even be used.
The first day was fine but on the second day a big
black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and
said "Can I have 350 please”.
The girl panicked....  
She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of
her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket
hanging between his legs" her boss told her.
She peeped through the door and saw the yellow
bucket hanging between his legs.
"Yes !” she said ".... He's got one hanging there!"
The boss said "Go back in and give him $3.50....  
He's the window cleaner!”

 

••

A man begins cutting his wisdom teeth the first time
he bites off more than he can chew.

••
I was shocked to learn that in his old age, my
grandfather was pleasuring women in exchange for
money.
He's a gynaecologist with Parkinson's Disease....

 

••

When asked, "What is a contingent fee?" a lawyer
answered, "A contingent fee to a lawyer means,
if I don't win your suit, I get nothing.
If I do win it, you get nothing."

••

Q: How is it that Greene county Rednecks never go
Elephant hunting?
A: That's because they get too tired carrying the decoys.

 

••

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair
but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to
terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

 

••

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
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♥

I got pulled over by a bicycle cop in L.A. --
not a motorcycle cop, a bicycle cop.
And Im in my car, and he gets out -- hes sweating,
hes got these little shorts on.
You know how fast you were going? Yeah,
a lot faster than that bike.

 

••

The wife asked me to help her clean the loft out.
What a mess.
Filthy dirty and covered in cobwebs.
She's good with the kids though.

 

••

A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat
reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession
even to the grocery store, which was a few blocks
from the house.
 After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her
as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident,
the newspaper will print your age."

••
I wouldn't want to fly Virgin.
Who'd want to fly an airline that doesn't go all the way?

 

••

I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one:
the words, I'm dumb.
Thats it.
That way in 10 years, when you go, Why did I get this?,
you can be like, Oh, I'm dumb!

 

••

Q: What does a blonde name her pet Zebra?
A: Spot.

 

••

Rabinovitj sits in the Moscow subway reading the
Torah.
A KGB agent approaches and says "Religious
literature is forbidden in the Soviet Union".
Rabinovitj: "I am an old man who will die soon and
when I get to paradise I must know the holy language
 - Hebrew."
The agent: "What if you go to hell?"
Rabinovitj: "No problem..... I already know Russian."

 

••

How many ears has Captain Kirk got?
Three - one left ear, one right ear and space,
the final front ear.
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♥

 

A sheik employed a track star to run from the palace
to his harem, which was about three miles away,
to fetch one of his wives whenever he was in the
mood.
The sheik would nod and the track star would take off.
This event usually took place about three times a day
until the runner died at age 36.
The sheik lived to be 96.
The moral of the story is, "Sex doesn't kill you...
it's the running after it that does."

 

••

My wife called me..... a child.
I told her, be careful who you're calling a child
because if I'm a child, that makes you a pedophile.
And I'll be damned if I'm gonna sit here and get
lectured by a pervert.

 

•• 

Everything will be okay in the end.
If it's not okay, it's not the end.

 

••

While watching a a movie recently recently, a man
couldn't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the
two women sitting in front of him.
Unable to bear it any longer, he tapped one of them
on the shoulder.
"Excuse me," he said, "I can't hear."
"I should hope not," one woman replied sharply.
"This is a private conversation."

 

••

"DOC, YOU'VE GOT to help my husband," a farmer's
wife said frantically.
"He thinks he's a racehorse.
He wants to live in a stable; he walks on all fours
and he even eats hay."
 "I'm sure I can cure him," the doctor replied,
"but it'll be very costly."
 "Oh, money's no object," she responded.
"He's already won two races."

 

••

Two chickens cross the road
It turns out to be a double breasted sandwich..

 

••

I got in a cab last night and said, "56 Moor Street
please, pal."
The cabbie said, "Doing anything nice?"
I said, "Well, actually mate, I'm going to see a
woman I met on one of those adult singles sites
where married people meet up for sex."
He said, "I wouldn't do it if I were you."
I said,"Why not?"
"Because I live at 56 Moor Street."

 

••

I worked in a garage that had a jet wash.
It was useless - they couldn't land.

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♥

 

Signs Your Holiday Weekend Sucked......
1. Huge grill marks on your ass.
2. Stay in the local burn ward now part of the family
cookout tradition.
3. Image of Grandpa in his Speedo is indelibly
burned into your memory.
4. Your improbable kebob skewer mishap headlines
local paper.
5. Your barbeque fire consumed 10,000 acres.
6. Your five-year-old took the phrase "weiner roast"
literally.
7. While you baked in the sun, drinking buddies
placed a DUMBASS stencil on your forehead.
 8. Your Ball Park Frank didn't plump, if you know
what I mean.

 

••

Church Signs......
"Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this
 Sunday!"
"Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"Don't give up.
  Moses was once a basket case."
"Life has many choices.
  Eternity has two.
  What's yours?"

 

••
"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due."

 

••

The man sitting next to me on a recent flight was
terrified of planes;  he couldn't stop shaking. 
So I suggested he get a Scotch from the flight
attendant, which he did, drinking it down in one gulp.
"Can I get another one?" he asked me. 
I pointed out the button above his head and told him
to press it if he wanted another drink.
He promptly stood up, pushed the button, and held
his glass underneath it.

 

••

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus
through Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led
them through the process of cheese making,
explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many
goats were grazing.
"Theses" she explained, "Are the older goats put out
to pasture when they no longer produce."
She then asked, "What do you do in America with
your old goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered,
"They send us on bus tours!"

 

••

Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than
the speed of light.
This means that if you turn on a light switch,
you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.

 

••

“Barack Obama’s daughters are very smart.
They told him they will take the same responsibility
for the dog that he is taking for the economy.
That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White
House, it’ll be cleaned up by future generations.”
–Jay Leno

 

••

Some of these trick-or-treaters are cheeky retards!
There was one outside my local pub asking for
money last night.
Usually I wouldn't mind but he's clearly far too old
and wears the same homeless guy costume every year.

 

••

The wife told me to go to the doctor and get some
of those tablets that "help" get an erection.
You should have seen her face when I came back
and tossed her some diet pills!
I am still looking for a place to live.

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♥

 

Working on my car today.
Had to buy some metric vise grips to change the
piston return springs .
Changed the air in my tires and the blinker fluid too.
I forget how handy I am sometimes.

 

••

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners
for four.
Unless there are three other people.

 

••

The weight of the world’s insect population exceeds
that of humankind by a factor of 12.

 

••

All year I try to give candy to children and the
parents start yelling "don't take candy from strangers!"
Then Halloween comes around and you send the
brats to my front door.
Well I'm keeping my candy this time!

 

••

Just bought a Ken doll.
I don't know what everyone's talking about, you
can't read books on this thing.

 

••

Sa It seems that there are fringe benefits to being
President. 
After leaving the White House, Dwight Eisenhower
was asked if he noticed anything different about his
golf game. 
"Yes," he said, " a lot more people beat me now."
 

••
From Rae;
Aussie blokes are so good to women!!!
My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant
last night.
"Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible?"
she said.
Being the nice fellow I am, I thought:
"Bugger it, I'll treat her!"
So we walked past it again.

 

••

My wife was mad at me....
and started getting snarky.
I said, "you are cute when you're mad".
She said, "Well get ready then because I am about to
get damn gorgeous"!

 

••

One guy asks the other, "Hey, have you ever gone to
bed with an ugly woman?"
The second guy says, "No, but I've woken up with
plenty."

 

••

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

 

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# 1782

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♥

 

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my
obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking...
And then I saw her face...

 

••

The French will eat almost anything.
A young cook, Jean Luc, decided that the French
would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise
rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants
in the city.
Jean Luc searched all over Paris seeking a suitable
place to raise his rabbits. None could be found.
Finally, an old priest, Father Pierre, at the cathedral
said he could have a small area behind the rectory
for his rabbits.
Jean Luc successfully raised a number of them,
and when he went about Paris selling them.
One restaurant owner asked him where he got such
fresh rabbits. Jean Luc replied with a smile,
 'I raise them myself, near the cathedral.
In fact, I have ... a hutch back of Notre Dame.'

 

••

~Yo mama's so fat, when she ran away, they had to
put her picture on the milk truck.
~Yo mama's so fat, when she hauls arse, she has to
make two trips.
~Yo mama's so fat, when she dances at a club,
she makes the band skip.
~Yo mama's so fat, on Halloween she trick or treats
two houses at a time.
~Yo mama's so fat, she fills up the bath tub,
and then she turns on the water.
~Yo mama's so fat, they had to grease a door frame
and hold a Twinkie on the other side to get her
through.
~Yo mama's so fat, when she gets in an elevator,
it has to go down.

 

••

Doctor, I suffer from premature ejaculation,
can you help?
'No, but I can introduce you to a woman
with attention deficit disorder."

 

••

Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one
baby called to the other, "Are you a little girl or a
little boy?"
"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the
first baby.
"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference,"
was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling,
"I'll climb into your crib and find out."
He carefully maneuvered himself into the other
baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the
blankets.
After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a
big grin on his face.
"You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said
proudly.
 "You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl,
"but how can you tell?"
"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy,
"you've got pink socks and I've got blue ones."

 

••

Last night I was stopped for speeding and I told the
Police: "let's not point fingers here.
Let's find out what went wrong and make sure it
doesn't happen again".
Apparently that only works for Hillary Clinton.
 

••
I'm giving up on spraying deodorants in the new year.
Roll on 2012.

 

••

I went on a blind date last night.
After walking into the restaurant and introducing
myself, she looked at me with a puzzled face and said,
"You're old, fat and bald."
"Does it matter?" I asked.
"Yes it does," she replied.
"You told me that you was slim with dark hair."
"I was luv, but that was in 1976."

 

••

Just bought a Ken doll.
I don't know what everyone's talking about, you
can't read books on this thing.

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••••••

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♥

 

A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4
("knowing my own hidden secrets") and Psalms 52:3-4
("lies and deceit"), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS:
 "I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on
my income tax.
I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check
for $150.00.
"If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest."

 

••

Marriage is – The joining of two people, one who
never remembers birthdays, and the other who never
forgets them.

 

••

Why did the wizard wear a yellow robe to the
Halloween party?
He was going as a banana!

 

••

"Give man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime."
2012 White House Revision:
Give a man a welfare check, a free cell phone with
unlimited free minutes, cash for his clunker, food
stamps, section 8 housing, free contraceptives,
Medicaid, ninety-nine weeks of unemployment,
free meds, and he will vote for
Democrats the rest of his life - even after he's deceased.

 

••

Timmy's single.
He told me he often thinks about his future wife
and how lax shes been about getting in touch with
him.

••
"What are your qualifications for the job of night
watchman?"
"The slightest noise wakes me up."

 

••

You look at our grandparents generation, and
they're a much tougher people than us.
My grandfather went through the war, the Depression
He came back from the war.
He built his house brick-by-brick with his own hands,
went and worked at a mill for 40 years after that.
I built a bong out of an apple once.
I bragged for like six months.

 

••

The wife and I were down the town when she said,
"Look at that handsome fella, arm and arm,
with that complete skank!"
How smug was I telling her it was our reflection in
a shop window.

••

MEDICAL Alert:  
BUYAGRA:  two formulations
        (Female)
Potent stimulant that, if taken prior to shopping,
increases stamina and credit limit, and decreases
guilty feelings and the need to rationalize purchases.
       (MALE)
Potent stimulant that creates irresistible urges for
men to spend ridiculous amounts of money on their
wives without expecting anything in return.

 

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