Down Hummingbird Lane

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Signs Your Holiday Weekend Sucked......
1. Huge grill marks on your ass.
2. Stay in the local burn ward now part of the family
cookout tradition.
3. Image of Grandpa in his Speedo is indelibly
burned into your memory.
4. Your improbable kebob skewer mishap headlines
local paper.
5. Your barbeque fire consumed 10,000 acres.
6. Your five-year-old took the phrase "weiner roast"
literally.
7. While you baked in the sun, drinking buddies
placed a DUMBASS stencil on your forehead.
 8. Your Ball Park Frank didn't plump, if you know
what I mean.

 

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Church Signs......
"Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this
 Sunday!"
"Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"Don't give up.
  Moses was once a basket case."
"Life has many choices.
  Eternity has two.
  What's yours?"

 

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"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due."

 

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The man sitting next to me on a recent flight was
terrified of planes;  he couldn't stop shaking. 
So I suggested he get a Scotch from the flight
attendant, which he did, drinking it down in one gulp.
"Can I get another one?" he asked me. 
I pointed out the button above his head and told him
to press it if he wanted another drink.
He promptly stood up, pushed the button, and held
his glass underneath it.

 

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Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus
through Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led
them through the process of cheese making,
explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many
goats were grazing.
"Theses" she explained, "Are the older goats put out
to pasture when they no longer produce."
She then asked, "What do you do in America with
your old goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered,
"They send us on bus tours!"

 

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Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than
the speed of light.
This means that if you turn on a light switch,
you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.

 

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“Barack Obama’s daughters are very smart.
They told him they will take the same responsibility
for the dog that he is taking for the economy.
That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White
House, it’ll be cleaned up by future generations.”
–Jay Leno

 

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Some of these trick-or-treaters are cheeky retards!
There was one outside my local pub asking for
money last night.
Usually I wouldn't mind but he's clearly far too old
and wears the same homeless guy costume every year.

 

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The wife told me to go to the doctor and get some
of those tablets that "help" get an erection.
You should have seen her face when I came back
and tossed her some diet pills!
I am still looking for a place to live.

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