Good Morning...Friends....
Funny, I don't feel older....
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Blogger won't let me finish download

any more this morning.....

 

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♥

If you ever see three New Yorkers get into a cab without
an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

 

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Lawyer: Tell us your brother-in-law's name?
Witness: Walker
Lawyer: What is his first name?
Witness: I am sorry I can't remember.
Lawyer: He's been your brother-in-law for so many years,
how is it possible that you can't remember his first name?
Witness: It's just that I am very nervous.
(Getting up from the witness chair and pointing to Walker)
Toby, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name.

 

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 A schoolteacher, taking her class through a mild general
knowledge quiz, decided to test their knowledge of some of
the old proverbs.
She pointed out one little boy and said, "Complete this
saying, "Cleanliness is next to...?" 
"Impossible," said the boy.

 

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The Sanskrit word for 'war' translates as
'desire for more cows'.

 

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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully,
"Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said..
With his last breath John said, "I do!"

 

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 Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking.
Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
“I got a cookbook once,” said the first, “but I could never
do anything with it.”
 “Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?” asked the second.
“You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way -
‘Take a clean dish and…’

 

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 Carpenter bees are a hoax......
I bought 50 of them and they haven't built a damn thing.

 

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A Sunday school teacher asked her students to draw a
picture of Jesus' family.
After collecting the drawings, she noticed that one little
boy's drawing depicted an airplane with four heads sticking
out of the windows.
"I see you drew three heads to show Joseph, Mary and
Jesus," she said to the boy.
"But who does the fourth head belong to?"
The boy replied, "That's Pontius the pilot."

 

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Good Morning, Friends...
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I walked around the block 20 times todays...
Then my wife picked it up and put it back in the toy box.

 

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Ron's terribly overweight and his doctor put him on a
diet plan.
His wife Carla has to keep an eye on him so he doesn't
indulge himself.
On his birthday, he helps himself to a large piece of
chocolate cake, and his wife reprimands him...
Ron protests, "Don't you see, I can resist everything
except temptation."

 

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I hate that pantless walk to get more toilet paper.....
I'm not allowed in that Walgreens anymore either.

 

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My favorite place to taser people: the Renaissance Fair.
The Renaissance Fair cause it makes me feel like an evil
wizard from the future.

 

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Acupuncture is a jab well done.....

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Be careful of what and when you say it....
Bill was about to fly from Los Angeles to New York.
After the takeoff he saw his old friend Jack walking past
him, so he stood up and greeted him: "Hi Jack!"
Bill is serving 30 to life.....

 

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Never play cards with a man named "Slick."

 

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You might be a redneck if...
 The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
 Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
 Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
 Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with
the principal.
 You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
 You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
 Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for
 a few days.
 Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to
figure out how to fix it.
 You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for

Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
 Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.

 

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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
 

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Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally
absorbed with the computer he is working with?
A: He enters Nerdvana.

 

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My wife said she is gonna leave me if i keep calling her fat.
I said "what about our baby?"
she asked "what baby?"
I said "you mean you are not pregnant!"

 

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Every so often, I tell myself I should cut down on my
drinking.
 Then I realise I'm nowhere near drunk enough to be
having this conversation with myself yet.

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Good Morning...Everyone...
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♥

I use to struggle with weight gain.....
Now it's no problem putting on 10 or 20 pounds.

 

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My doctor says I’m in the first stages of Fossilization.

 

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Free paper wasp nest complete with wasps.
You remove it you can have it.

 

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A guy walks into a bar.
He orders a drink, and after a few, he must visit the john.
He does not want anyone to steal his drink.
So he puts a sign on it. saying: " I SPIT IN THIS BEER,
DO NOT DRINK'.
After a few minutes he returns.
There is another sign next to his beer, saying, SO DID I.

 

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 One congressman to another: 
"The first thing you have to learn as a new
congressman is that a billion is simply a figure of
speech."

 

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For every action there is an equal and opposite
government program.

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Top Ten Ways To Describe The Current Weather
10.Partly apocalyptic..
9.Mostly sweaty..
8.Fetid with a chance of putrid..
7.Toupee-glue melting..
6.Sauna-rific..
5.Sunstroke-tastic..
4.Soupy (but not chilled soups, like Vichyossie or Gazapcho)..
3.Global basting..
2.Mamma Mia, that’s a spicy forecast! ..
1.So shvitzy I could plotz..

 

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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her right breast.
It turned out to be a trick knee.

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horrible....
went to my doctor yesterday and they found blood in
my alcohol stream.
please send cash.....

 

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Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?
A. They take the psycho path.

 

 

 

Good Morning....Friends..
Having Temps in the 80's
and some showers, so feels
pretty good...
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♥

My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds
of people:
 those who do the work and those who take the credit.
He told me to try to be in the first group;
there was much less competition.

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NASA confirms, via satellite images....
That the the missing mars rover has been found on the
south side of the planet but it is up on blocks and the
radio is gone.
The good news is a cop, a tow truck driver, and an
insurance adjuster were launched today on a ten year
recovery mission.

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I was telling  a girl in the pub about my ability to guess
what  day a woman was  born just by feeling their tits,
"Really" she  said.  "Go on  then...try"
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose
patience.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, ”yesterday".

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Dodgeball Skills.....
Part of growing up is learning your strengths and
weaknesses.
What better way to figure out that hand-eye coordination
aint your thing thang by getting drilled in the mouth by
a red, rubber ball?
You only gotta get beaned in the face so many times
before you figure out, I better hit the books because this
is not working out.

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I feel all warm and fuzzy inside right now.
But then again, I just ate a live squirrel.

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A recent study showed that only forty-three percent of all
people polled in the U.S. stated that illegal immigration is
a serious problem.
The other 57 percent answered, "No hablo inglés."

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Walking home after a Halloween party, two young men
decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery for a thrill.
They both stopped abruptly when they heard a mysterious
tap-tap-tapping noise in the shadows.
Their eyes grew large until the mist cleared and they saw
an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping at one of
the headstones.
"Geez, mister!" one of them exclaimed.
"You scared us half to death!
We thought you were a ghost!
What are you doing working here so late at night?"
 The old man replied angrily, "Those darn fools misspelled
my name!"

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Thought for the Day....
A penny saved is a government oversight.
Did you ever notice: When you put the two words
"The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?
 

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My doctor told me to start my exercise program
slowly.
Today I drove past a store that sells sweat pants.

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To spice up our sex life I suggested that the wife tie me
up on the bed,
I was really happy when she readily agreed!
Not so happy now though, shes left me here and took off
with the credit card!

 

Good Morning.. Friends...
What can I say??
Monday.........
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♥

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be
nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.
"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a
smaller bottle for $30.00.
"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00
bottle.
"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something
really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.

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A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the
IRS auditor who had come to review his records.
At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is
a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA.
As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we
expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."
"Thank God," returned Mr. Carr, "I thought you were
going to want cash!"

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Husband: There's something preying on my mind.
Wife: Don't worry, it'll soon die of starvation.

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Funny Bumper Sticker Quotes:
Caution: I drive like you do!
Strangers have the best candy..
Save the Earth, it's the only planet with Chocolate..
No, I don't have PMS. I just really hate you.
My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and
it's gone..
I didn't ask to be a princess but if the crown fits...
I brake for scholars, priests, and no apparent reason..
Stupidity is not a crime so you’re free to go..
 " Watch out for the idiot behind me!"
Moooooove, I'm trying to speed!

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I entered an auction at an out-of-town convention and
won a large Lazy boy chair.
Getting it back to my seventh-floor hotel room proved
a challenge. 
I got it in the elevator, but  there wasn't enough room
for everyone, so I invited another woman to take a seat.
We stopped on the third floor, and a drunk started to
enter. 
He looked at the woman on the chair for a second
before suggesting, "If I were you,
I'd ask for a bigger room."

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A balanced diet is chocolate in both hands....

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I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make
a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said,
"Those are pickled onions''.

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A taxpayer voting for Obama is like a chicken voting
for Colonel Sanders....

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My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well,
I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

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Doctor walks into a bar and the bartender says “I’m sorry
but I can’t serve you”.
“Why?” replies the doctor.
“We’ve already got one of you in here and I won’t have a
'pair a docs' in my bar”

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It's all fun and games until someone calls the cops.
Then it's a brand new game.
Hide and seek.

Good Morning.... Friends....
Well, it's Sunday and their
calling for rain.....
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♥

My friend lost both his ears in a car accident

and I went to see him in hospital.
"It's not too bad, I can still hear,"

 he said, philosophically.
"I'm just going to need to adapt I suppose."
"Yeah," I said, "speaking of that,

 can I have your Ray Bans?"

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I kept failing to get a job as a butcher because

I couldn't
just make the cut.

••

•President Obama is still reminding people

that he inherited this economy.
Let me tell you something.
If this economy doesn't turn around soon,

his inheritance
could be cut off in November.

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Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will.
There's no need to remind him every

six months about it.

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A little girl asked her father......
“Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with
"Once Upon A Time"?
He replied, “No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that
begin with "If elected I promise".”

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I've entered the snapdragon part of my life.....
Part of me has snapped.
The rest of me is draggin.

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Laying on my side for colonoscopy.
That is a damn good camera on the end of that tube that
has windshield wipers. stainless steel snare, scissors,
vacuum tube, enough air pressure to rescue a truck with
18 flats.
laying on my side watching screen, I could see shelves,
ceiling tile, etc as they were getting ready.
I guess the most horrific thing I have ever seen was  the
inside of my butt on 27" monitor full screen before it
came out on the darkside.

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A surgeon goes to return some books borrowed

from the library.
The librarian quips, after checking the books, "Sir, your
books are always returned with the last page missing from
every book."
The surgeon replies, "I can't stop myself from removing an
appendix whenever I see one."

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Healthy snacking tip.....
The healthiest part of a donut is the hole.
Unfortunately you have to eat though the rest of the
donut to get there.

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Good Morning....
Saturday....hooray....
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♥

The Sunday school teacher had just finished the lesson.
She had taught the portion of the Bible that told of how
Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt.
She then asked if anyone had any questions or comments.
 Little Jeremy raised his hand.
"My mommy looked back once when she was driving and
she turned into a telephone pole!"

••
US tourists, a man and his wife are traveling in the Middle
East.
An Arab approaches the husband, saying, "I'll give you
100 camels for your woman."
 After a long silence, the husband says, "She's not for sale."
The indignant wife says, "What took you so long to answer?"
The husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get
100 camels back home."

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Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'.
He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'.
'Is it common?'I asked.
'It's not unusual' he replied.

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I'm on a whiskey diet........
I've lost three days already.

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"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the

bewildered private.
"I suppose after you get discharged from the Army,
 you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and
 spit on my grave."
 "Not me, Serge!" the private replied.
"Once I get out ofthe Army, I'm never going to stand in
line again!

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Chuck Norris won American Idol using only sign language.

Useless knowledge...

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Phobia: coprastasophobia Fear of: constipation...

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You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with
just a kind word.

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A horse walks into a bar
The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
The horse replies, "I came first in the Olympics and they
gave the medal to the twat on my back."