Good Morning... Readers.
We're ready for a great weekend...
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The problem with political jokes is they get elected.

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 definition....
Basketball- 35000 people who need exercise watching
10 who don't..

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In Chicago some anti-Mitt Romney protesters told
reporters they're being paid to protest.
They said they're being paid by Democrats to stand outside
and chant anti-Romney slogans.
Well, who says President Obama isn't creating any new
jobs?

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Alumni Calls.....
 You spend like a$100 grand in tuition, and you think
you're done with them.
Then for the rest of your life, theyre calling up asking for
money.
No one else does that.
If I see a movie, I don't get a call from the theater, like,
Were buying a new projector, can you kick in a few bucks?
Were calling all the Spiderman II alumni.

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NASA has catalogued as many as 4,700 asteroids
in our solar system with the potential to strike the
earth, resulting in widespread damage.
NASA says the only reasonable response is to go
crazy.

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Wife by text to husband at work... "Windows at home
frozen... What should I do?"
Husband: "Spray some de-icer or pour hot water on them."
Wife a few minutes later: "Done that - now computer
won't work at all!"

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It was so hot, Attorney General Eric Holder was selling
water guns to Mexican drug gangs.

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 If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...
does that mean that one enjoys it?

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On this day in 1860, the Republican Party
nominated Abraham Lincoln as a presidential
candidate.
During the campaign he raised about $1 million.
You know how he was able to raise that much
money at campaign gatherings?
He passed around his giant hat.

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Guantanamo Bay is getting millions and millions of dollars
of upgrades and renovations.
In fact, they're not even calling it a detention camp anymore.
It's now a gated community.

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 It all started with Adam and Eve.
Adam was the first on the scene, so he named everything,
animals, plants, birds, fish, rivers, everything.
And then Eve shows up, looks things over, and tells
Adam he was wrong about all the names.
This crap between men and women started a long time ago.

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 A boy was assigned to write a paper on a historical figure. 
He spent hours on the Internet, sifting through many sites
with little pertinent information.
When his mom found him staring blankly at the screen,
she asked, "What's the matter?" 
"I'm surf-bored!" he replied.

Good Morning...Friends..
Supposed to rain today...
But not seen any yet...
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A cool Ride....

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An old guy comes home in the middle of the day,
finds his young blonde wife standing in the
middle of their deluxe apartment wearing a
red G-string, seven-inch steel heels, and the whole
apartment is flooded.
"What happened here?" he asked.
 "I think the waterbed busted," said the trembling
wife. Just then a naked guy floated by.
 "Who is that?" demanded the husband.
She replied, "I dunno. Must be a lifeguard."

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 The young Scottish lad and lassie were seated on a low
stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.
She looked at he and said, "A penny for your thoughts,
Angus."
"Well, uh, Margaret, I was thinkin' ...perhaps it's aboot
time for a wee lil' kiss."
 Margaret blushed, but leaned over and kissed Angus lightly
on the cheek.
Angus blushed.
They again gazed out over the loch.
Soon enough, Margaret spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' ...perhaps it's aboot time for me to
put me hand on your leg."
Margaret blushed and nodded demurely. Angus blushed
as he felt her comely leg.
Then they gazed out over the loch some more.
 Soon Margaret said, "Another penny for your thoughts,
Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time I felt your
chest."
Margaret blushed and nodded again.
Angus blushed again.
Then they once again gazed over the loch.
Soon, Margaret quietly said, "Another penny for your
thoughts, Angus."
He looked at her with furrowed brow.
"Well, Margaret, this time me thoughts are more serious."
 "Oh?" whispered Margaret, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said Angus, who continued, "Dae ye nae think it's
aboot time ye paid me them first three pennies?"

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A woman was on the witness stand,
accused of poisoning her husband.
"After you put poison in the coffee, you sat at the
breakfast table and watched your husband drink it.
Tell me, didn't you feel the slightest bit of pity for him?"
the defense attorney prompted.
"Yes," she replied, "I think there was one moment
when I felt sorry for him."
"And when was that?" asked the smug lawyer.
"When he asked for his second cup," replied the
wife.

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A man took a ride in a stunt plane. 
The pilot dove and spun putting the plane through
the entire repertoire.
When they landed the passenger gasped,
"Thank you for the rides!"
"That was only one ride," said the pilot. 
"I'll call it two," said the man. 
"My first and my last!"

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I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim
suit that I had made out of sponges.
I remember one time when I wore it.
When I got out of the swimming pool nobody
could go swimming until I came back.

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A new survey found that US Airways is the most hated
airline in the country.
Today, US Airways apologized to its passengers — then
charged them a $50 apology fee.

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A man on trial for selling drugs had a neighbor who was
called as a witness.
The defense attorney asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine
or other drugs from the defendant?"
 "No, sir," answered the man.
"Did you ever get any from his wife?" asked the attorney.
"No, sir."
"Did you ever get any from his daughters?"
"Uh, excuse me, sir," the witness said, "but we are still
talking about drugs, right?"

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A man in the UK has been accused of hacking into

the PBS website.
That finally answers the question — “who’s the world’s
lamest hacker?”

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 I got my dad a new set of golf clubs, a golf bag, some tees
— man, if he ever learns how to play golf, he is set.

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My husband Daniel, had been promoted to a
newly created position. 
He was eager to find out what his official title was,
so when his business cards finally arrived, I was
surprised that he seemed reluctant to show me.
After some persuasion, Daniel gave me a card,
naming him director of product efficiency,
"Wow," I responded, "that sounds impressive."
"Not really," Daniel replied as he removed my
thumb from the acroym underneath. 
It read DOPE.

Good Morning, Friends....
Google is slow
this morning.....
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You might be a redneck if...

Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".
You've ever hitchhiked naked.
You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.
Your bumper sticker says, "My other car is a combine."
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your
false teeth.
Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending
against your dog.

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 My Sexy Hot Neighbor.....

She's single...
She lives right across the street.
I can see her house from my living room.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street and up
my driveway.
She knocked on my door...
I rushed to open it.
She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so
horny!
I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and
make love all night long!
Are you busy tonight?"
I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free...
I have no plans at all!"
Then she said, "Good!
In that case, could you watch my dog?"
MAN... IT'S NO FUN GETTING OLD!!!

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At a country-club party a young man was

introduced to an attractive girl.
Immediately he began paying her court and
flattering her outrageously.
The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a
bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch.
She was amazed when after 30 minutes he
seriously proposed marriage.
 "Look," she said.
"We only met a half hour ago.
How can you be so sure?
We know nothing about each other."
 "You're wrong," the young man declared.
"For the past 5 years I've been working in the
bank where your father has his account."

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Why do Giraffes have such longs necks?
because they have extremly smelly feet...

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There was a knock on the door this past Saturday
morning.
I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man
standing there who said: "Hello sir, I'm a
Jehovah's Witness."
 So I said "Come in and sit down."
I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked
"What do you want to talk about?"
He said, "Beats the chit out of me! Nobody ever
let me in before."

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People who say that onions are the only vegtable to

make you cry have never been hit in the face with a
potato!

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Some race horses are staying in a stable.

One of them starts to boast about his track record.
"In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"
Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races,
I've won 19!!"
"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won
28!", says another, flicking his tail.
 At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog
has been sitting there listening.
"I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound,
"but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"
 The horses are clearly amazed.
"Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence.
"A talking dog."

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Henry Hill, the mobster who became an FBI informant and

was the basis for the lead character in the movie
"Goodfellas," has died at the age of 69 due to an
undisclosed illness.
I believe that illness was "informant-itis."

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Good Morning....
Hot-Hot day today...
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Having given up smoking two weeks ago,
I decided to take the advice from a health magazine which
suggested starting a hobby, so I started taking pottery
lessons.
 And the first thing they taught me to make?...

An ashtray.

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It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were
on edge.
The home team had been the victim of three or four close
calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a
touch-down and a field goal.
When the official called yet another close one in the
visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew his top.
How many times can you do this to us in a single game?"
he screamed.
"You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong
on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in
the first quarter."
The official just stared.
The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language
that might get him tossed from the game.
"What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you STINK!"
The official stared a few more seconds.
Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards,
and put the ball down.
He turned to face the steaming quarterback.
The official finally replied, "And how do I smell from here?"

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A Lawyer was addressing a doctor in court.
Lawyer: Dr. Kirby, did you say the victim was stabbed in
the jungle?
Doctor Kirby: No, I said he was stabbed in the lumbar
region.

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Next month two men in Oregon plan to travel 400 miles in
two lawn chairs, connected to a bunch of balloons.
Or as North Korea calls that, "the space program."

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President Obama is going to let certain illegal immigrants
stay in this country.
But there is an age requirement.
You have to be old enough to vote by November.

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 It's a good thing that the wheel was invented before the
car, otherwise the scraping noise would be awful!

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Republican Senator John McCain and Democrat Harry Reid
have called for the federal government to step in and help
regulate the sport of boxing.
Is that a good idea — something so corrupt and unethical
attempting to regulate something so corrupt and unethical?

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I admit that I get angry in traffic when driving to work.
But it's pointless.
It's much better to bottle up that anger and then
unleash it when you get to work. 

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With the current market turmoil, what's the easiest
way to make a small fortune?
A: Start off with a large one.
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Good Morning...Friends.
Gonna be hot today...
Foggy now....
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There's a rumor going around that suggests President
Obama may legalize marijuana as an October surprise to
win the election.
And if he doesn't win, at least he'll have a way to mellow
out later.

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 NEWS FLASH!!! California police want to question
president Obama in the death of Steve Jobs!
They believe he is the only suspect in Jobs’ death after
killing so many OTHER jobs in the last 3 years!

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 Friends of ours invited the wife and I out to dinner.
Although it turned out to be a topless restaurant, my wife
was a pretty good sport and pretended to enjoy the evening.
On the way home though, even the defrosters at full force
wouldn't keep the windshield from icing over on her side
of the car.
"Awwwww come on" I said..... "It wasn't that bad."
"Your ordering didn't help matters" she said fuming.
"What ?" I replied...... "I only ordered a dozen oysters."
"ONE AT A TIME ?!?!?!" she yelled.

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After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines,
surly clerks and insane regulations at the Department of
Motor Vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for
my son.
I brought my selection, a baseball bat, to the cash register.
"Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.
"Cash," I snapped.
Then apologizing for my rudeness , I explained,
"I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau."
 "Shall I giftwrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly,
"or are you going back there?"

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last night I played a blank tape at full blast
the Mime next door went nuts!

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 As director of a sleep clinic, I was unable to diagnose
the excessive daytime sleepiness of one elderly gentleman.
All his tests were normal.
After several visits, his granddaughter finally offered me
the solution:  "My grandpa takes all his pills in the morning
including his sleeping pills."

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Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
Because he didn’t want anyone telling him how

 to make Adam.

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In an attempt to keep our rowdy coed health class
focused, our teacher was giving us random facts
about the body's ability to burn calories. 
"Kissing," she said, "can burn up to 45 calories."
"Hey," a boy called out, "any of you girls want to
lose weight?

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There was a report in the paper today that the city of
Detroit will go broke in two weeks.
Are you surprised by that?
Didn't you think Detroit went broke, like, 10 years ago?

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It's being reported that more and more elderly people are
being incarcerated in this country than ever before.
Well, of course..... They're easier to catch.

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Good Morning, Friends...
Had a great weekend.....
Ate too much...
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 "I have good news and bad news,"a defense attorney told
his client.
"First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your
DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the
victim's clothing."
 "Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client.
"What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is down to 140!"

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A nudist guy robbed a bank and tried to get away by
running through a church.
They caught him by the organ.

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Two lions walking down a path in the woods come
across a nudist camp.
Naked people everywhere.
First lion says "Snacktime!
And look, you don't have to unwrap them!
Second lion says "I'd rather go to the KOA down the path,
I need more fiber in my diet"

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There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn't begin at 40..... That's a big fat lie.
My hair's getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.
I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?
Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I'm off to read the obituary, like I do every day;
If my names not there, I'll once again start -
Perfecting the art of falling apart..

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A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large
city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space
with a meter.
So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:
"I have circled the block 10 times.
If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment.
FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer
along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years.
If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job.
LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."

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 Ree has been working as a temp in an office since
the previous assistant retired.
When she went to file some invoices, she was confused to
find the M section of the filing cabinet almost full,
while the other sections were practically empty. 
After checking, she realized that the last person had filed
all the invoices under "Mr." or "Mrs."

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Dow Jones is re-branded as "Down Jones".

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 Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to
expand the line of furniture in his store, so he
decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
 After arriving in Paris , he visited with some
manufacturers and selected a line that he thought
would sell well back home.
To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit
a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
 As he sat enjoying his wine,

 he noticed that the small place was quite crowded,

and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat

in the house.
 Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came
 to his table, asked him something in French
(which Murphy could not understand), so he
motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit
down.
 He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not
speak his language.
After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate
with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a
wine glass and showed it to her.
She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
 After sitting together at the table for a while, he took
another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with
food on it, and she nodded.
They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that
featured a small group playing romantic music.
 They ordered dinner, after which he took another
napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.
She nodded, and they got up to dance.
They danced until the cafe closed and the band was
packing up.
 Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and
drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out
he was in the furniture business.

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cl I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old
grandfather.
The team scored a touchdown.
They showed the instant replay.
He thought they scored another one.
I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game *he* was
watching was better.

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Happy Fathers Day, Capt.

Simper Fi..

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♥

Gus asks the pharmacist: "Why does my prescribed
medication have 30 side effects?"
The Pharmacist replies: "well, that's all we've documented
so far."

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 My ten year old daughter asked me what it was that
made me want to marry her mum.
 I said, "Come back when you're eighteen."
 She giggled and asked, "Why, is it rude?"
 "No, but I might have figured it out by then," I replied.

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 A cowboy was riding into a strange town when he saw a
couple of Indians,
"Can you tell me where the nearest toilet is"?
asked the cowboy
"We just use that bush over there" answered one of the
Indians
The cowboy went behind the bush and had a pee but when
he came out all the Indians were laughing,
"What's so  funny"? he asked,
"That's the ladies"...... shouted the Indians.

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There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning.
When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said,
"Strip down facing me."
 Making a mental note to complain to my congressman
about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she
had instructed.
 When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided,
I found out that she was referring to my credit card.
 I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little
clearer!

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Remember when?  
...the only optical storage device you could buy was a case
for your spectacles.

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In the midst of a veritable downpour, a gallant driver saw
a woman alone in the mud trying to change a flat tire, and
couldn't bear passing her by.
He completed the job for her, and, soaked to the skin,
exclaimed jovially, "There, little lady, that's done!"
"Quiet," she ordered him.
"You'll wake up my husband.
He's taking a nap in the back seat."

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A doctor drank while putting on patients' casts.
He was soon plastered.

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The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box
with holes on the side.
He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in
there, pal?"
"A mongoose."
"What for?"
"Well, you know how drunk I can get.
When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of
snakes..... That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."
"But," the friend said, "you idiot!
Those are imaginary snakes."
"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the
interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."