Had a great weekend.....
Ate too much...
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♥
"I have good news and bad news,"a defense attorney told
his client.
"First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your
DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the
victim's clothing."
"Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client.
"What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is down to 140!"
his client.
"First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your
DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the
victim's clothing."
"Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client.
"What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is down to 140!"
••
A nudist guy robbed a bank and tried to get away by
running through a church.
They caught him by the organ.
running through a church.
They caught him by the organ.
••
Two lions walking down a path in the woods come
across a nudist camp.
Naked people everywhere.
First lion says "Snacktime!
And look, you don't have to unwrap them!
Second lion says "I'd rather go to the KOA down the path,
I need more fiber in my diet"
across a nudist camp.
Naked people everywhere.
First lion says "Snacktime!
And look, you don't have to unwrap them!
Second lion says "I'd rather go to the KOA down the path,
I need more fiber in my diet"
••
There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn't begin at 40..... That's a big fat lie.
My hair's getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.
I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?
Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I'm off to read the obituary, like I do every day;
If my names not there, I'll once again start -
Perfecting the art of falling apart..
There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn't begin at 40..... That's a big fat lie.
My hair's getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.
I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?
Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I'm off to read the obituary, like I do every day;
If my names not there, I'll once again start -
Perfecting the art of falling apart..
••
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large
city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space
with a meter.
So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:
"I have circled the block 10 times.
If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment.
FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."
city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space
with a meter.
So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:
"I have circled the block 10 times.
If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment.
FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer
along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years.
If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job.
LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."
along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years.
If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job.
LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."
••
Ree has been working as a temp in an office since
the previous assistant retired.
When she went to file some invoices, she was confused to
find the M section of the filing cabinet almost full,
while the other sections were practically empty.
After checking, she realized that the last person had filed
all the invoices under "Mr." or "Mrs."
the previous assistant retired.
When she went to file some invoices, she was confused to
find the M section of the filing cabinet almost full,
while the other sections were practically empty.
After checking, she realized that the last person had filed
all the invoices under "Mr." or "Mrs."
••
Dow Jones is re-branded as "Down Jones".
Dow Jones is re-branded as "Down Jones".
••
Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to
expand the line of furniture in his store, so he
decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris , he visited with some
manufacturers and selected a line that he thought
would sell well back home.
To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit
a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine,
expand the line of furniture in his store, so he
decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris , he visited with some
manufacturers and selected a line that he thought
would sell well back home.
To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit
a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine,
he noticed that the small place was quite crowded,
and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat
in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came
to his table, asked him something in French
(which Murphy could not understand), so he
motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit
down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not
speak his language.
After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate
with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a
wine glass and showed it to her.
She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took
another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with
food on it, and she nodded.
They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that
featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, after which he took another
napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.
She nodded, and they got up to dance.
They danced until the cafe closed and the band was
packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and
drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out
he was in the furniture business.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came
to his table, asked him something in French
(which Murphy could not understand), so he
motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit
down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not
speak his language.
After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate
with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a
wine glass and showed it to her.
She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took
another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with
food on it, and she nodded.
They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that
featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, after which he took another
napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.
She nodded, and they got up to dance.
They danced until the cafe closed and the band was
packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and
drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out
he was in the furniture business.
••
cl I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old
grandfather.
The team scored a touchdown.
They showed the instant replay.
He thought they scored another one.
I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game *he* was
watching was better.
grandfather.
The team scored a touchdown.
They showed the instant replay.
He thought they scored another one.
I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game *he* was
watching was better.
••
