Good Morning.....Well another weekend with out Witchy..........
♣






Take my ball and go home !..........................................................

I'm waiting for my supper....Mom's bring it..............................

Look out !....Mom's looking for supper !......................................

Don't worry....were leaving..........................................................

Hey Guy's........Wait for me !!.......................................................

You know Bobbie's gotta have a Maxine !....................................

♣

After one of the machines at work suddenly went on the fritz, our boss called the repair service and asked to speak to the manager, Ahmed.

"Hello, Ed speaking.

How can I help you?" said the guy who answered the phone.

"Sorry," said my boss. "I was looking for Ahmed."

"This is Ahmed," came the reply. "How can I help you?"

"I thought you said your name was Ed?" asked my boss.

"It is. But whenever I say 'Ahmed,' people think I'm saying 'I'm Ed.'

So I figured it's easier just to be Ed."

♣

♣

Hate to say it, but the Greene county high school football team isn't very good.

One day the coach spotted the marching band practicing on the field and told them to get off before they tore it up.

"Can we march in the end zone?" asked a band member.

"The team never uses that."

♣

After participating in a nutritional-health class, my 16-year-old daughter, Sarah, encouraged her sisters to try whole-grain breads and whole - wheat pasta, and complained if we were having anything that looked too processed.

At dinnertime one evening, she entered the kitchen, spied the food on the plates and boldly asked: "Are those whole - wheat potatoes?"

♣

A new restaurant opened in our town, so Gus, and I decided to try it.

As the waitress took our order, Gus asked if the coffee was fresh.

"I'm sure it is," answered the waitress. "We've only been open two weeks."

♣

Why are most men disappointed in the book, Women Who Love Too Much?

No phone numbers.

Good Morning....Good people... It's TGIF day........................
º






Just looking for some food................................................

Me too.but I gotta go on the diet tomorrow..........................

I'm on no diet......and I'm looking for Dinner..........................









I see you and I'm watching.......................................

I'm a hiding, so's he won't know I'm a dinner.........................

Every body likes Maxine...........................................................

º

My musician son decided to play guitar at his own wedding reception.

That day, tuning his strings was taking longer than usual.

"It's a little harder to do with a ring on," he apologized to the waiting guests.

That's when a man called out,....

"Everything's harder with a ring on."

º

The old family physician being away on vacation, entrusted his practice to his son - a recent medical student.

When the old man returned, the youngster told him among other things, that he cured Miss Ferguson, an aged and wealthy spinster, of her chronic indigestion.

"My boy," said the old doctor, "I'm proud of you, but Miss Ferguson's indigestion is what put you through college."

º

At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.

One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"

º

The teacher spent the entire hour reading to her class about the bison family.

When she had finished, she said, "Name some things that are very dangerous to get near to and have horns."

A little boy raised his had and spoke up without hesitation: "Automobiles!"

º

The waitress was trying hard to win over the stern old dowager but met resistance at every turn.

At meal's end she brought the check, smiled sweetly and said, "Have a nice weekend."

But the dowager was implacable.

"I'm afraid," she snapped, "I've made other plans."

º

I recommend that you don't buy a Stradivarius.

He stopped making parts for them.

Hi....everyone......another day with no rain....we need rain..........
§






Milo, Is that you ? Wake up........................................................

Yea....Them birds will get ya............................................................

Not me....I'm a pretty bird............................................................

I'm prettier..........and a fisher man.............................................

Got ya both beat.....prettier and a pet.......................................

Gotta have a "Maxine" for "Bobbie"............................................

§

After booking my 90-year-old mother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her needs.

The woman representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision.

I also asked for a special meal and assistance in changing planes.

My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me everything would be taken care of.

I thanked her profusely.

"Why, you're welcome," she replied.

I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, "And will your mother be needing a rental car?"

§

During my physical fitness class, I had everyone lie on their backs with their legs up as if pedaling a bike.

After several minutes, one man suddenly stopped.

"Why did you stop pedaling?" I shouted.

"I didn't stop," he said, wheezing. "I'm coasting."

§

Even at age 69, my girl friend was vain about her looks.

At a reunion , an old friend exclaimed, "Bobbie, you haven't changed in 20 years."

"Oh!" said Bobbie, horrified."

"I hope I didn't look like this 20 years ago."

§

We were camping in a beautiful national park.

One morning, I was in the washroom shaving when the man next to me asked what I did for a living.

"I'm a juvenile-rehabilitation counsellor," I replied.

After a slight pause, he responded, "Yep, I'm a parent, too."

§

A woman in the neighborhood was giving away free kittens.

I picked out a cute black and white one.

"I call him Prince," she told me.

That's a dumb name for a cat, I thought.

When I got him home, I immediately changed it to "The Kitten Formerly Known as Prince."

§

I was sitting behind an enthusiastic mom at my son's Little League game.

Her boy was pitching for the opposing team and she cheered as he threw one wild pitch after another.

The poor kid walked every batter.

It was only the first inning and the score was 14-0.

Then one batter finally smacked the ball.

"Oh no," the mom wailed....... "There goes his no-hitter."

§

The heart is about the only broken instrument that will work.

Well now,...Good Morning people of the world..........................
☼






We eat most every thing..............................................

I like a good fish..............................................................

Not me....I like bugs....big ones.............................................

I'm hiding...............................................

Help ! she's trying to eat me, but I'm hanging on.....

Gemme Food....no bugs......Iz happy.........................

☼

Our first stop as new recruits was the barber's.

"Want to keep your sideburns?" he asked.

"Yes, that would be great," I said.

"Okay, I'll get you a bag to put them in."

☼

The final exam in electrical engineering worried my son, On the last day of class, the professor wished the students luck as he wrote a phone number on the blackboard.

"If anyone has difficulty understanding the review material, call this number." he said as he dismissed the class.

On Saturday afternoon, stumped by one of the review problems Don reached for the phone and heard a recorded message from Dial-A- Prayer.

☼

A boy approached his mother, who was resting, with a sad look on his face.

"Do you know how to write in the dark?" he asked.

The mother looked over at the boy and said, "Yes, Jimmy.

"The boy replied, "Good, will you sign my report card?"

☼

I was deliberating over a new television and asked the young salesperson its country of origin.

The clerk disappeared into the stockroom to look on the box.

On his return he announced that the television in question was "Built in Antenna........

and he votes!

♣

"I didn't come to be told I'm burning the candle at both ends," I told the doctor, ....

"I came for more wax."

☼

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail

☼

It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.

Good Morning.......................................................
☼



Yah, I see.....................................................

We hear your sob story......................................................

The croc is on a diet.....................(not me!)...

Gather round kids....gater's up there.................................

ooop's....................................

Come on....let's get outta here.......................................

☼

The Chinese government says that's not smog you see on your TV when you watch the Olympics.

They say your TV screen needs dusting.

☼

My wife and children had gone for a few days while I was renovating our living room.

After a hard day's work, my brother- in-law, who was helping me, and I scrounged up a few leftovers and migrated to the television to watch a Spiderman movie.

We were relaxing in front of the TV while eating our supper when Larry turned to me and said,.....

"I guess this is what they mean by male bonding."

☼

"I came in to make an appointment with the dentist," said a nervous man to the receptionist.

"I'm sorry sir," she replied. "He's out right now, but..."

"Thank you," interrupted the nervous man.

"When will he be out again?"

☼

Why are men allowed to go topless in public even when some of them have bigger breasts than women?

☼

There are two sides to all arguments, and they are usually married to one another...

☼

All eyes are on the radiant bride as her father escorts her down the aisle.

They reach the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kisses her father and both are teary eyed.

Before she turns toward the priest, she places something in her father's hand.

The guests in the front pews respond with ripples of laughter.

Even the priest smiles broadly.

The bride has given Dad back his credit card.

The advantage to exercising every day is that you die healthier.

Well....Good Morning....Everyone, Hope you had a good weekend........
The bar-b-que Chicken was very good.......................................


Alright ! what's going on here......................................

It's only me playing.........did I scare you ?........................

I'm getting out of here........................................

Easy on gas?.........A fellow could get killed on rt. 29.....

You gotta watch out for them sudden stops..............

I got nottin to say !.........................................................

☼

The Unibomber, Ted Kaczynski, wrote a letter from jail saying he’s angry that his cabin is now on display in a museum.

Well, they think that’s what the letter says . . . everyone’s afraid to open it.

☼

Trying to do my share to help the environment, I set up a trash basket at my church and posted above it this suggestion: "Empty water bottles here."

I should have been a little more specific, because when I went to check it later, I didn't find any bottles in it.

But it was full of water.

☼

Backpacking: An extended form of hiking in which people carry double the amount of gear they need for half the distance they planned to go in twice the time it should take.

☼

While walking through a New York airport, my dentist ran into a group of folks from his hometown.

Among them was one of his patients.

When he said hello, she gave him a curious look, saying he looked familiar but she could not quite place him.

"Lean back and look up at me," he suggested.

She did. "Oh! Dr. Harbison!"

☼

Rod and his pregnant wife took their six-year-old daughter Rianna with them for his wife's prenatal visit.

Later, while leaving the doctor's office, Rod told Rianna, "Everything is fine and you'll be having a baby brother in a few months."

Not wanting to wait for her new sibling, Rianna asked, "Daddy, if you pay for the baby now, can we take him home today?"

☼

Marriage is a fever in reverse: It starts with heat and ends with cold.

Good Morning.....Friends....even the one eyed Sweet Lady............
☼





Wel....La-De Dah................................................................

Oh.....you scared me.............................................................

Yikes!.....................me scared too.........................................

MaMa......He scared me................................................

Tis I,....Bat dog.....Here to save the day....................................

I'm getting on my cycle and getting out of here..........

☼

Why is it in this progressive age they can make almost everything wrinkle resistant except people?

☼

A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee.

"Hoot mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha been more than $20."

"That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord Himself walked."

"Well, at $50 an hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder He walked."

☼

I was staying with my two grandsons while their parents were out of the country.

Eleven-year-old Daniel arrived home from school excited about an invitation he had received to watch a movie at the house of a classmate on a Friday evening.

His 16-year-old brother said, "Mom and Dad wouldn't let you go to a girl's house to watch a movie."

"But, Paul," Daniel protested, "she's a Baptist."

He went.

☼

After weeks of medical treatment, my doctor became concerned about some redness around my waist, so he sent me to a specialist.

When that doctor entered the examination room, he studied my chart, then looked at me sitting in the chair.

"Should I take my clothes off?" I asked.

"No need to," he said. " I already see the problem.......

Your pants are too tight."

☼

Progress means noise.

Indeed, we could pinpoint the date when modern civilization was born if we could discover when man first said, "Turn that thing down."

☼

The receptionist for the company where I'm employed found some cash in the office, apparently mislaid by a co-worker.

She sent the following e-mail: "If anybody can say where they lost $66, please let me know and it will be returned to you."

Within minutes one employee replied, "Kentucky Derby, 1988."

☼

I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...

Good Morning.....Well, it's another nice weekend..............
Great for a cookout and a swim..........................................


An't I cool...............................................................

We're riding away from this mess..............................

Itz scard me..............................................................

Dang it! I'm leaving too........................................................

I think he's cool.......................................................................

☼

My friend Marie and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant.

When an elderly waiter set chopsticks at our places, Marie made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair.

"As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils."

The waiter inspected her chopsticks.

"Very beautiful," he said politely.

"Ivory."

☼

We had our eight cows and a rented bull in our pasture for a month before the bull decided to jump the fence and visit our neighbor's cows.

We discussed with our neighbor the safest method to get the 1,700 pound bull back.

He suggested we build a gate between the pastures, leave it open, let our cows mix with theirs and separate them all during fall roundup.

But we underestimated the power of eight rejected 1,200 pound females.

Three days after the gate was left open, our neighbor's cows were on their side of the fence, and our eight cows and rented bull were on our side of the fence.

☼

A friend of mine, a strict vegetarian....... attended a presentation with his wife, and an announcement was made that door prizes would be given out at the end of the meeting.

Sure enough, he won the grand prize: $1,000 worth of beef.

☼

I was skimming through the church announcements when one caught my eye.

"Tonight, a speaker will tell us how to better prepare ourselves against heart attacks and strokes," read the notice.

"Afterwards, free pizza will be served."

☼

Thanks to my daughter, I have become thoroughly sensitized to environmental issues.

Recently I purchased a greeting card, and when the cashier started to place it in a plastic bag, I remembered my daughter's repeated warnings and immediately declined its use.

"I'll be mailing that quickly," I told the clerk.

"You can take the bag back."

"Okay. Have a good day," she said with a smile.

Then I watched as she scrunched the bag into a ball and tossed it into the garbage.

☼

I was talking to my doctor about a weight loss-patch I had seen advertised.

Supposedly, you stick it on and pounds melt away.

"Does it work?" I asked.

"Sure" he said, "if you put it over your mouth."

Advertising pest control slogan: Zero return on infestment.

Good Morning, People of the world...Welcome to our place..................
☼





She's celebrating her Twentieth birthday........

He was celebrating too.......

We're just lookin......................................................

Oh, No.........................................................

I celebrated too much............................................

Me too......................................................................

☼

For our honeymoon my fiancée and I chose a fashionable hotel known for its luxurious suites.

When I called to make reservations, the desk clerk inquired, "Is this for a special occasion?"

"Yes," I replied. "It's our honeymoon."

"And how many adults will there be?" she asked.

☼

Problem Name
The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete.

She is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.

She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones.

It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say: 'Picabo, ICU.'

☼

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manual."

☼

At my grandfather’s 75nd birthday party, his sister proposed a toast.

“May you be just like our Grandpa Hey,” she said, referring to my great-great-grandfather who had lived to the age of 96.

My little brother looked up from his dinner in horror and spluttered, “But he’s dead!"

☼

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.

One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

☼

Psychiatrist to office nurse:Please just say 'we're terribly busy.'not "it's a madhouse."

☼

It's easier to get older than it is to get wiser.