••

 

••

♥

Useless Knowledge...
"If it weren’t for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of the
television, we’d still be eating frozen radio dinners."
-Johnny Carson

 

••

Did you hear about the duck with a drug problem?
He was a quackhead.

 

••

One of my daughter's pet rabbits died yesterday but
I came up with a novel idea.
 I hope the other one dies before Christmas though
'cos I can't see her wanting to wear just the one
novelty slipper.

 

••

I've never understood the concept of the gift
certificate because for the same $50 bucks,
[my friend] couldve gotten me $50 bucks.

 

••

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a
customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some
weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting
any soon."
Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed
over to the customer who was walking out the door
and said, "That isn't true, ma'am.
Of course, we'll have some soon.
In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks
ago."
Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled,
"Never, never, never, never say we don't have
something.
If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its
way.
Now, what was it she wanted?"
The clerk smiled and said...
"Rain..."

 

••

Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by
biting insects?
Suzie: Don't bite any!

 

••

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother
smoothed cold cream on her face.
'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked.
'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother,
who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny.... 'Giving up?'

 

••

I was building a blonde snowman yesterday.
 Took me forever to hollow out the head.

 

••

There was a sandwich machine in a Norwegian
factory.
Olaf didn't quite understand what the machine was
about though.
He went to the machine and put his money in the
machine and got one sandwich.
He was so excited, he put more of his money into the
machine and received another sandwich.
Finally he had a huge pile of sandwiches.
Another worker was wondering what Olaf was doing:
"Olaf, don't you think you should stop now?"
What the hell are you babbling about?!
I am just starting to win big!"

 

••

 

 

••

 

 

••

♥

This morning after I got into the shower,
I found there was no shampoo.
I reached out of the shower and found a new bottle
on the counter.
It worked well, but I didn't realize until later when
I put my glasses back on that it was dog shampoo.
The day went as usual, until this afternoon.
On my way home, I saw a German Shepard that
kinda turned me on, and all evening I've been
dragging my butt on the carpets!

 

••

Why must the phrase, "It is none of my business,"
always be followed by the word "but"?

 

••

The worst jobs....
1. Photographer for the "Miss Nude Octogenarian"
pageant..
2. Laxative tester.
3. Internet spelling/grammar corrector..
4. Certified Pubic Accountant..
5. Depends Undergarment Maximum Load Tester..
6. Jessie Ventura's press secretary..
7. Restroom attendant at the Texas Chili Competition..

 

••
When asked whether or not I was bilingual,
I was about to say I knew sign language,
but I figured it was sort of a mute point.

 

••

A man tells his wife of 15 years that it feels like
they've only been married for 15 minutes.
The wife says thats so sweet and he says yeah 15
minutes under water!

 

••

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.

 

••

There is, I am reliably informed, a certain potion that
can be taken orally, that helps you forget your
troubles.
It is offered in various categories of potency and can
be purchased 'over the counter'.
How much is consumed and the time period lapsed
from memory, depends upon your constitution.
There can be side effects, usually felt next day, and
sometimes, even that same evening!
This potion's effectiveness may be acceptable for the
consumer, however, the people around you are not
affected and as such, will remember quite well and
often vividly, what you are trying to forget!
This potion is often produced under several different
labels, though I think that the most common one is
'alcohol'.

 

••

Strange new trend at the office: putting names on
food in the lunchroom fridge.
Today I had a roast beef sandwich named Kevin.

••
My dad worked on the road for twenty years before
he got fired for stealing!
 At first I didn't believe it... but when I got home all
the signs were there.

••

 

 

••

♥

Politics: The conduct of public affairs for private
advantage.

 

••

My wife came in starving today....
so I made her a great big ham and cheese sandwich.
"Don't eat it yet, just hold the plate" I said.
Five minutes later I took it and threw it in the trash.
"What the hell?!" she snarled.
"Remember this feeling," I said.
"Next time you come to bed all sexy, in a nightie,
smelling gorgeous and ask me just to hold you."

 

••

After learning that her parents were in a minor car
accident, my wife called her mother.
“What happened?” she asked.”
I was driving and fell asleep,” said her mother,
irritated.
“And of course, your father wasn’t paying attention!”

 

••

Londoner Joanna Kirchmeier arrived home to find
her husband, Helmut, in front of a mirror
“just staring at himself, his pupils tiny.”
Helmut, a newly trained hypnotist, had accidentally
hypnotized himself while rehearsing a new act and
had been standing like that for five hours.

 

••

“Doctor, please help me,” says an elderly patient.
“I have silent passage of gas every morning.
I have silent passage of gas every afternoon,
and I suffer from silent passage of gas in the evening.
 Sometimes I have silent passage of gas at
unpredictable times—for instance, just now.
Doctor, can you help me?” “Sure, I can help you‚”
 says the doctor.
“But first you need your hearing worked on...

 

••

Why does the Easter Bunny hide all his eggs?
Because he doesn’t want anyone to know he’s laying
with a chicken.

 

••

What has small balls and screws old ladies?
A Bingo machine.

 

••

The unabashed dictionary defines 'deja moo' as the
feeling you get when you've heard the same bullshit
before.

 

••

 

 

••
☺

 

••

♥

A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to
Bosnia as part of the peace keeping mission.
During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked
for questions.
 Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked,
"If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we
 do?"
 "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet
in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."

••
Useless Knowledge..
A pride of lions
A plague of locusts
A tiding of magpies
A stud of mares
A labour of moles
A barren or span of mules
A parliament of owls
A company of parrots

 

••

A large defense contractor finally succeeded in
building a computer able to solve any strategic or
tactical problem.
Military leaders assembled in front of the new
machine and were instructed to feed a difficult
tactical problem into it.
They described a hypothetical situation to the
computer and then asked the pivotal question,
"Attack or retreat?"
 The computer hummed away for an hour and then
came up with the answer, "Yes."
The generals looked at each other, stupefied.
Finally one of them submitted a second request to
the computer, "Yes what?"
Instantly the computer responded, "Yes, Sir!."

 

••

The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf -
it's almost a law.

••
My dad discovered the Internet.
Uh, just because someone raised you, does not mean
that you have to add them on Facebook.

 

••

Miss Paddington is in Paris and is visting "Louvre"
the famous french museum.
She looks at the paintings and suddenly she says,
"Is this a dreadful painting or what!
I can't belive that a respectable place like this could
have such a horrible piece
of art in its collection."
 "Pardon, Madame!" one of the staff says,
"But it's not a painting, it's a mirror."

 

••
"Go and have a look at the size of the chit I've just
done in the bathroom!" I said to my wife.
 "No thanks," she replied.
"Please, just one quick look," I said,
"You won't believe it."
She pinched her nose, ran in, looked down the toilet,
then ran out and said, "There's nothing down there,
you must've flushed it."
I said, "It's on the scales."

 

••

Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon
burn out.

••

 

 

••

Ready for the snow.....

 

••

♥

Judi went to a "Dude Ranch" on vacation.
The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted
a Western or English saddle.
Judi asked what the difference was.
"Well," said the cowboy, "one has a horn and the
other doesn't."
Judi thought about it for a second and answered.
"Just get the one without the horn.
I don't think we'll run into too much traffic out here."

••
A repairman arrived within the hour!
A friend of mine was a frequent user of a pay
telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly
inconvenienced when the phone went out of
commission.
Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.
After several days, the phone company was again
contacted and told that there was no longer a rush.
The phone was now working fine--except that all
money was being returned upon completion of each
call.
A repairman arrived within the hour!

 

••

As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia
after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn,
doctor?"
"There's a big fire across the street," the doctor
replied.
"We didn't want you to think the operation was a
failure."

 

••

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure the public that everything
possible is being done while the other screws it into
a water faucet...

 

••

"I'm afraid I have some bad news for you,"
the secretary said to her boss.
"Why do you always have to give me bad news?"
her boss asked.
"Can't you tell me some good news for once?"
 "OK," the secretary replied, "you're not sterile!"

 

••

Useless Knowledge:
A shrewdness of apes
A troop of baboons
A shoal of bass
A sleuth or sloth of bears
A sounder of boars
An army of caterpillars
A clowder or clutter of cats
A brood or peep of chickens
A clutch or chattering of chicks

 

••

Teacher to a student: "Can you think of a solution to
end unemployment?"
"Yes, sir! I'd put all the men on one island and the
women on another."
"And what would they be doing then?"
"Building boats!"

 

••

 

 

 

••

 

 

••

♥

A class professor was giving a lecture on company
slogans and was asking his students if they were
familiar with them.
 "Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan,
'come fly the friendly skies'?"
Joe answered the correct airline.
"Brenda, can you tell me which company has the
slogan, "Don't leave home without it?"
 Brenda answered the correct credit card company
with no difficulty.
"Now John, Tell me which company bears the slogan,
'Just do it'?"
And John answered, "Mom...."

 

••

I made the mistake of moving in with a hippie.
Hippie roommate -- horrible mistake.
Apparently, when they say peace and love,
what they really mean is filthy and annoying.

 

••

Life is a little easier for attractive people.
Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and they're
attractive, you think, Oh, theyre nice,
but if a strangers ugly, you're like,
What do they want?
Get away from me, weirdo.

 

••

An elderly man was stopped by the police around
2 a.m and was asked where he was going at that time
of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about
alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human
body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really?
Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."

 

••

Flex the serial flasher was thinking of retiring,
but he's decided he's gonna stick it out for another
year!

 

••

I recently heard about an old friend, a farmer.
He had a brilliant idea of breeding sheep twice the
size of normal ones.
He re-mortgaged his house to finance it.
Things didn't go to plan.
Although the sheep were larger, they weren't as big
as he'd hoped.
He couldn't afford the repayments and the bank
repossessed his house and land, leaving him with
just his sheep and penniless.
He was last seen on a street corner selling biggish
ewes.

 

••

One day a cobra bit Chuck Norris leg after 5 days of
excruciating pain the cobra finally died.

 

••

My girlfriend says the new breast implants make her
feel uncomfortable.

 

But I think I look sexy.

 

 

 

••

 

 

••

♥

So I've been chatting with this 13 year old girl online.
She's funny, flirty and sexy.
Now she tells me shes an undercover cop...
How cool is that for someone her age?

 

••

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a
light bulb?
Just one... but the light bulb has to 'want' to change.

••
This week the U.S. unveiled a larger, more
convenient checkpoint at the border with Mexico.
And then Mexicans unveiled a larger, more
convenient tunnel around it.

 

••
The birth rate in the United States has hit an all-time
low.
But to be fair, basketball season has just started.
It’s going to take a while for these guys to get out
there and go to different towns.
Just be patient.

 

••

The latest James Bond movie, "Skyfall," is really
good but there's a bit of a controversy now because
of product placement.
Like instead of his signature martini, Bond now
drinks Heineken.
That's not the only example — 007 is now 007-11.
And you know Miss Moneypenny?
She's now Miss JCPenny.

 

••

I walked into the pet shop this morning and said to
the cashier, "I need to replace my daughters kitten
with one that looks exactly the same.
I just accidentally backed over it with my car and
his eyes popped out of his head."
 "Spare me the details," she gagged,
"Do you have a photo?"
"Yes," I replied, showing her.
She said, "That's disgusting, I meant before the
accident!"

 

••