•••

♥

My black eye & fat lip suggests that 'up the backside'...
was definitely the wrong answer, when my girlfriend
asked me 'where are you taking me for my birthday?'

••
The chemistry is gone from our relationship.
 My wife can't get anti-depressants any more and
I've run out of Viagra.

 

••

When Chuck Norris watches a pot,
it boils immediately....

 

••

The veterinarian called me yesterday:
 "Your wife's here with your cat.
She's very sick and so I call you to ask if it would be
okay to euthanise her?"
 "No problem.", I said, "I think the cat knows the
way home."

 

••

A computer programmer is off to the shops one
morning and his wife asks "Can you get me a pint of
milk and if they have eggs, get six".
An hour later he returns with 6 pints of milk.
"Why the hell have you bought 6 pints of milk?"
asks the wife?
"They had eggs"

 

••

No diet will remove all the fat from your body because
the brain is entirely fat.
Without a brain you might look good, but all you
could do is run for public office.

 

••

Q How many lawyer jokes are there?
A Only One..... The rest are true stories.

 

••

Jane loved Tony, but she worried about all the
money he squandered when they went out together.
How can I stop Tony spending so much money on
me? She asked her mother.
Marry him!

••

A man walks in to the doctors and says,
"Doctor, doctor, I think I'm addicted to Twitter".
The doctor looks at him and says,
"Sorry, I don't follow you".

 

••

 

 

••

 

••••••

♥

Retirement is the best thing that has happened to
my brother-in-law.
"I never know what day of the week it is," he gloated.
"All I know is, the day the big paper comes,
I have to dress up and go to church."

••
During the war between Israel and the Arab
Countries an Arabic plane was shot down.
The pilot was captured and the Israelis tries to get
him to tell all technical details about the plane. .
 "How fast can it fly?"
The pilot says nothing and the Israelis gives him a
good beating.
"How many rockets does the plane carry?"
Again the pilot doesn't responds and he get another
good beating.
"What is the maximum altitude of flying?"
The pilot responds with silence, and get another
beating.
This goes on and on and the Israelis get nothing out
 of the Arabic pilot so they decide to release him.
 When the pilot returned home he was considered to
be a national hero and he get interviewed by a
reporter.
 The reporter asks the pilot if he has any tips to other
pilots if they get caught.
 "Make sure you know all the technical details about
the planes, otherwise they beat the crap out of you!"

 

••

knock knock
who's there
oddley hee
oddley hee who
I didn't know you could yodel!

 

••

At the restaurant, a sign read "Karaoke Tonight!"
Grandma studied it before asking, "What kind of fish
is that?"

 

••

A small boy stunned his parents after church one
Sunday when he began to empty his pockets of
nickels, dimes, and quarters.
 Finally his mother asked the obvious question:
"Where did you get all that money?"
 "At Sunday school," the boy replied enthusiastically.
"They got bowls of it!"

 

••

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Doughnut!
Doughnut who!
Doughnut open until Christmas!

 

••

I had a friend who was a Jehovah's Witness....
But I wouldn't play his Knock, Knock joke with him,
so he doesn't come around anymore.
••

 

••••••

•••

♥

A dying grandma tells her grandchild,
“I want to leave you my farm.
That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the
tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and
$24,548,750.45 in cash.”
The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to
become rich says, “Oh grandma, you are SO generous!
I didn’t even know you had a farm.
Where is it?”
With her last breath, Grandma whispered........
“Facebook…”

 

••

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course . . . .
We left that an hour ago."

 

••

"When I was a kid the meal consisted of two choices:
take it, or leave it".

 

••
The day after visiting a fair, my wife was in agony.
"You know you’re past your prime," she said,
"when you hurt all over and all you rode was the
massage chair."

 

••

Two young women are talking.
Brenda: "How was your first date with John?"
Judy: "It was all right until after dinner, then on
the way home he stopped the car in a deserted lane
and started kissing me.
He then started feeling my bra and around my
panties - but I fooled him.
I had hidden my money in my shoe.

 

••

A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him
$10.00  and that continues for a year.
Suddenly the daily donation changes to $7. 50.
 “Well,” the beggar thinks, “it’s still better than
nothing.”
 A year passes in this way until the man’s daily
donation suddenly becomes $5.00
 “What’s going on now?” the beggar asks his donor.
“First you give me $10 every day, then $7.50 and
now only $5.00 What’s the problem?”
 “Well,” the man says, “last year my eldest son went
to university.
It’s very expensive, so I had to cut costs.
This year my daughter also went to university, so I
had to cut my expenses even further.”
 “And how many children do you have?” the beggar
asks.
 “Four,” the man replies.
 “Well,” says the beggar, “I hope you don’t plan to
educate them all at my expense.”

 

••

A Congressional aide asks the politician:
"What are we going to do about the new
abortion bill?"
The politician's reply: "Shhhhh -- just pay it."

 

••

A wonderful bird is the pelican
His bill will hold more that his belican.
He can take in his beak Food enough for a week,
But I'm danmed if i can see how the helican...

 

••

There are three kinds of people in the world:
Those who can count and those who cannot.

 

••

Little old lady at US immigration.
OFFICIAL: Do you advocate the overthrow of the
government by violence or subversion?
Pause for thought...
LITTLE OLD LADY: Violence, I think.

 

••

 

 

 

••••••

•••

♥

The group had surrounded a dog.
Concerned the boys were hurting the dog, the
reverend went over and asked, "What are you doing
with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old
neighborhood stray.
We all want him, but only one of us can take him
home.
So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell
the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
The reverend was taken aback, "You boys shouldn't
be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed.
He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against
lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to
lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age,
I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute.
Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd
gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep
sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

 

••

I went as a leaf blower for Hallowe'en.
At a party, one guy came in dressed as a leaf.
Needless to say, it was awkward.

 

••

A woman has sued her local hospital, saying that
after her husband was treated recently, he has lost
all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied, “The man was
admitted in Ophthalmology -
all we did was correct his eyesight ...”

••

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick
dancing on a table.
I said to her, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile,
"Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed
by now."

 

••

"Mommy, my turtle is dead," the little boy, Johnny,
sorrowfully told his mother, holding the turtle out to
her in his hand.
The mother kissed him on the head, then said,
"That's all right.
We'll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little
box, then have a nice burial ceremony in the back
yard.
After that, we'll go out for an ice cream soda, and
then get you a new pet."
"Ice cream?" the little boy said, wiping his tears and
smiling, "Oh! Boy!"
His mother said, "I don't want you..."
Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move,
"Johnny, you're turtle is not dead after all."
"Oh," the disappointed boy said.... "Can I kill it?"

 

••

A Rabbi, who had come from abroad and been in
England a few years, finally listened to his
Congregation and started English lessons to brush
up on his English and be able to speak to and
understand everyone better.
After about ten lessons the teacher said "Tonight
we are going to look at the Word Cultivate.
Can anyone Say a Phrase with the words
"to Cultivate" in it.
The Rabbi put his hand up and the teacher said OK
Rabbi let’s hear it.
The Rabbi says "De utter day I was waiting for a bus,
and it was tu culd tu vait so I took a taxi".

 

••

My wife left me because I kept touching pasta
inappropriately...
Now I'm feeling cannelloni

 

••

History teaches us that we need both optimists and
pessimists;  we need the former to invent the
airplane, and the latter to invent the parachute.

 

••

PLEASE DO YOUR PART! Today is one of the many
National Mental Health Days throughout the year.
You can do your bit by remembering to send an
e-mail to at least one unstable person.
My job is done!

 

••

You tell your guy friends you got engaged, its like
hearing someone died.
What happened man?..... Wow.
He was so young, man.
What happened?
He had his whole life ahead of him.
Wow, I just saw him yesterday.

••

 

••••••

•••

♥

You Know Your Broke When...
American Express calls and says, "Leave home
without it!"

Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath
outside a restaurant.
You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a
psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
Long distance companies don't call you to switch
anymore.
You look at your roommate and see a large fried
chicken in tennis shoes.
You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
Your bologna has no first name.
You give blood everyday... just for the orange juice.

 

•• 

My favorite Halloween candy is the candy corn.
It comes in four colors: white, yellow, orange, brown.
Those are also the stages of your teeth rotting after
you eat it.

 

••

Mayor Bloomberg announced that all cars coming
into New York City via the bridge must have a
minimum of three people in them.
Unless one of the people is very, very fat — in which
case, two people but no sodas.

 

••

When you was born you was so ugly, the doctor
slapped your momma.
and so did your daddy.
Who knew you would be vice president.

 

••

Contrary to popular belief, what happens in Vegas
DOESN'T stay in Vegas!!
My friend came home with herpes.....

 

••

 Complaints of Modern Day Vampires......
   Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the
undead.
   Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.
   Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your
fangs.
   Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some
redneck yelling, "Look Ma! It's Elvis!"
   After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible
to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for
bottom of coffin.
   After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.
No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.
   With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones,
junior highs are suddenly off-limits.
   No warm blood for miles around DC.
   Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.
   Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by
aerobicized "hardbodies."
   Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.
And the number one Complaint of Modern Day Vampires is...
   Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.

 

••

An elderly blonde plunked two buckets of quarters
down in front of a teller at the bank.
The teller, unsure how to handle so much loose
change, called the manager.
The manager started to berate the woman for
hoarding so many quarters.
She gave him a long hard look and said, "I didn't
hoard all of these.
My sister whored half, and I whored the other half."

 

••

Economists say rebuilding after Hurricane Sandy
will give the ailing construction industry a huge boost.
In fact, the storm has already created more jobs than
President Obama.

 

••

After seeing the debates, political ads and opinions,
I've decided to vote for Romney.
What do I do about the 20 votes I've already given
Obama?

 

 

#1795

••

•••••

•••

♥

A gang of muslim kids just come knocking trick or
treating.
 I gave them a packet of smokey pork rinds....

 

••

You know you drink too much when your doctor
calls and asks you to destroy your donor card.

 

••

Hmmm, I think I'm going to hand out bottles of 5
hour energy instead of candy this year.
Just to let my neighbors know how much I love
them.

 

••

My wife said, "I think we should do something really
scary for the kids this Halloween."
 I said, "We could take them to your mother's."
(LOL...bet he regrets saying that by now!!!)

 

••

A patron in a Montreal café turned on a tap in the
washroom and got scalded.
“This is an outrage,” he complained.
“The faucet marked C gave me boiling water.”
“But, Monsieur, C stands for chaude – French for hot.

You should know that if you live in Montreal.”
“Wait a minute.” Roared the patron.
“The other tap is also marked C.”
“Of course,” said the manager.
“It stands for cold.
After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."

 

••

On his 70th birthday his wife waltzed out of their
bedroom dressed in an old outfit she dug out of the
back of the closet.
"I wore this on my 30th birthday!
I guess that means my wardrobe is forty years old,"
she said to her husband, hoping he'd take the hint
and buy her some clothes as a present.
"Or," he offered instead, "it means when you were
30 you had the body of a 70-year-old."

 

••

What should you give a man who has everything?
An 8 year old kid to show him how to work it.

 

••

Why did no one tell me of the Zombie Apocalypse
last night!?
I managed to kill 15 of the monsters and they all
dropped candy for some reason...

 

••

••

 

••••••

•••

♥

When witches go riding,
and black cats are seen,
the moon laughs and whispers,
‘tis near Halloween.

 

••

It is bad to suppress laughter.
It goes back down to your hips.

 

••

An elderly blonde plunked two buckets of quarters
down in front a teller at the bank.
The teller, unsure how to handle so much loose
change, called the manager.
The manager started to berate the woman for
hoarding so many quarters.
She gave him a long hard look and said, "I didn't
hoard all of these.
My sister whored half, and I whored the other half."

 

••

Chuck Norris beat Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder
in a staring contest. .......
At the same time.

 

••

Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did,
but she did it backwards and in high heels...

 

••

A lady lost her handbag.
It was found by an honest little boy and returned to
her.
Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm....
That's funny.....
When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it.
Now there are twenty $1 bills."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady.
The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have
any change for a reward."

 

••

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in
the doctor's book.

 

••

Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday,
our friend received a jury-duty notice.
She called the clerk’s office to remind them that she
was exempt because of her age.
"You need to come in and fill out the exemption
forms," the clerk said.
"But I filled them out last year," she replied.
"You have to fill them out every year."
"Why? Do you think I’m getting younger?"

 

••