••••••
•••
♥
You Know Your Broke When...
American Express calls and says, "Leave home
without it!"
American Express calls and says, "Leave home
without it!"
Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath
outside a restaurant.
You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a
psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
Long distance companies don't call you to switch
anymore.
You look at your roommate and see a large fried
chicken in tennis shoes.
You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
Your bologna has no first name.
You give blood everyday... just for the orange juice.
outside a restaurant.
You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a
psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
Long distance companies don't call you to switch
anymore.
You look at your roommate and see a large fried
chicken in tennis shoes.
You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
Your bologna has no first name.
You give blood everyday... just for the orange juice.
••
My favorite Halloween candy is the candy corn.
It comes in four colors: white, yellow, orange, brown.
Those are also the stages of your teeth rotting after
you eat it.
It comes in four colors: white, yellow, orange, brown.
Those are also the stages of your teeth rotting after
you eat it.
••
Mayor Bloomberg announced that all cars coming
into New York City via the bridge must have a
minimum of three people in them.
Unless one of the people is very, very fat — in which
case, two people but no sodas.
into New York City via the bridge must have a
minimum of three people in them.
Unless one of the people is very, very fat — in which
case, two people but no sodas.
••
When you was born you was so ugly, the doctor
slapped your momma.
and so did your daddy.
Who knew you would be vice president.
slapped your momma.
and so did your daddy.
Who knew you would be vice president.
••
Contrary to popular belief, what happens in Vegas
DOESN'T stay in Vegas!!
My friend came home with herpes.....
DOESN'T stay in Vegas!!
My friend came home with herpes.....
••
Complaints of Modern Day Vampires......
Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the
undead.
Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.
Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your
fangs.
Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some
redneck yelling, "Look Ma! It's Elvis!"
After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible
to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for
bottom of coffin.
After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.
No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.
With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones,
junior highs are suddenly off-limits.
No warm blood for miles around DC.
Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.
Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by
aerobicized "hardbodies."
Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.
And the number one Complaint of Modern Day Vampires is...
Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.
Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the
undead.
Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.
Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your
fangs.
Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some
redneck yelling, "Look Ma! It's Elvis!"
After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible
to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for
bottom of coffin.
After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.
No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.
With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones,
junior highs are suddenly off-limits.
No warm blood for miles around DC.
Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.
Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by
aerobicized "hardbodies."
Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.
And the number one Complaint of Modern Day Vampires is...
Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.
••
An elderly blonde plunked two buckets of quarters
down in front of a teller at the bank.
The teller, unsure how to handle so much loose
change, called the manager.
The manager started to berate the woman for
hoarding so many quarters.
She gave him a long hard look and said, "I didn't
hoard all of these.
My sister whored half, and I whored the other half."
down in front of a teller at the bank.
The teller, unsure how to handle so much loose
change, called the manager.
The manager started to berate the woman for
hoarding so many quarters.
She gave him a long hard look and said, "I didn't
hoard all of these.
My sister whored half, and I whored the other half."
••
Economists say rebuilding after Hurricane Sandy
will give the ailing construction industry a huge boost.
In fact, the storm has already created more jobs than
President Obama.
will give the ailing construction industry a huge boost.
In fact, the storm has already created more jobs than
President Obama.
••
After seeing the debates, political ads and opinions,
I've decided to vote for Romney.
What do I do about the 20 votes I've already given
Obama?
I've decided to vote for Romney.
What do I do about the 20 votes I've already given
Obama?
