#1795

••

•••••

•••

♥

A gang of muslim kids just come knocking trick or
treating.
 I gave them a packet of smokey pork rinds....

 

••

You know you drink too much when your doctor
calls and asks you to destroy your donor card.

 

••

Hmmm, I think I'm going to hand out bottles of 5
hour energy instead of candy this year.
Just to let my neighbors know how much I love
them.

 

••

My wife said, "I think we should do something really
scary for the kids this Halloween."
 I said, "We could take them to your mother's."
(LOL...bet he regrets saying that by now!!!)

 

••

A patron in a Montreal café turned on a tap in the
washroom and got scalded.
“This is an outrage,” he complained.
“The faucet marked C gave me boiling water.”
“But, Monsieur, C stands for chaude – French for hot.

You should know that if you live in Montreal.”
“Wait a minute.” Roared the patron.
“The other tap is also marked C.”
“Of course,” said the manager.
“It stands for cold.
After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."

 

••

On his 70th birthday his wife waltzed out of their
bedroom dressed in an old outfit she dug out of the
back of the closet.
"I wore this on my 30th birthday!
I guess that means my wardrobe is forty years old,"
she said to her husband, hoping he'd take the hint
and buy her some clothes as a present.
"Or," he offered instead, "it means when you were
30 you had the body of a 70-year-old."

 

••

What should you give a man who has everything?
An 8 year old kid to show him how to work it.

 

••

Why did no one tell me of the Zombie Apocalypse
last night!?
I managed to kill 15 of the monsters and they all
dropped candy for some reason...

 

••