Good Morning.. Neighbors...
Hot weekend?
gonna be Hot here.....
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Look at the feet on this babe.....

Santa Pancake....

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♥

What berries do fat people enjoy the most?
Cadburys.

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I got pulled over....... by a female deputy last night.
She made me walk the line and said "you're staggering"!
I replied, "you're not a bad looking yourself".

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Making a marriage work......
my wife wanted a cat. I didn't want a cat.
So we compromised and we got a cat.

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More Cat Jokes....
Q: What looks like half a cat?
A: The other half!
Q: What was the name of the film about a killer lion that
swam underwater?
 A: 'Claws.'
Q: If a four-legged animal is a quadruped and a two-legged
animal is a biped, What's a tiger?
 A: A stri-ped!
Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep?
 A: A stripey sweater!
Q: How does a lion greet the other animals in the field?
 A: 'Pleased to eat you.'!
Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a snowman?
 A: Frostbite!
Q: What did the lions say to his cubs when he taught them
to hunt?
 A: 'Don't go over the road till you see the zebra crossing.'
Q: What is lion's favorite food?
 A: Baked beings!

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Bubba was arrested for killing a man with sandpaper.
In court, Bubba said in his defense : I never wanted to kill
him, all I did was rough him up a bit.

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A man was sent to prison for 20 years.
He was so bored while in there; he found an ant and
decided to teach it tricks - like beg, play dead, roll over,
jump hair etc.
He served his time and was released.
He took his ant with him in a matchbox.
The first place he went was to a bar.
He sat down, took out the matchbox and emptied

out the ant.
He then said to the guy beside him, "you are not gonna
believe what this ant can do".
He showed him all the tricks and the guy was impressed.
He told him that he could make a fortune with the ant.
The guy with the ant was excited and called the bartender
over and said "you see that ant?"
The bartender put his finger on the ant, twisted it and said
"sorry sir it won't happen again."

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The Democratic Convention is $27 million in debt.
They had to cancel the kick-off event at the Charlotte
Motor Speedway.
A speedway is the perfect place for the Democratic
Convention.
You go around in circles, turn left every few seconds, and
you end up right where you started.

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Good Morning....Friends and Neighbors....
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♥

Excuses for Speeding.....
Kitsap County , Washington, had begun to crack

down on speeding motorists.
Here's a list of some answers they received when they
asked the drivers why they were speeding:
 ♣My gas petal got stuck.
♣Don't I get a couple miles per hour over when

I'm taking my grandchildren to the airport?
 ♣I didn't know I was speeding because my lights were off. 

♣My speedometer is broken.
♣I had a bee in my car.
♣I've been drinking and I wanted to get off the road quickly.
♣I am driving my friend to the hospital.
He has alcohol poisoning.

 (The driver was also found to be
intoxicated.)
 ♣(After crashing) I put high test gas in my car and it
caused me to lose control.
(He was also found to be intoxicated.)
 ♣I'm trying to catch that UFO.
Will you try to catch it for me?
♣I get 10 extra miles per hour in the fast lane.
♣I'm wearing shoes that are really heavy and they make
the gas petal go down more.
 ♣My doctor gave me the wrong medication.

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I'm not one to brag about my financial skills, but my
credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me
my balance is outstanding.

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My son's school project involved him collecting 30
leaves from different trees and bushes.
 'I really should have put a lock on my greenhouse.'
I thought, as I sat in the back of the police van.

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Gus goes to a sport store to buy a pair of running shoes.
When he enters the shop, he's astounded by the wide
selection of jogging shoes available. 
The assistant shows him one particular pair of shoes and
says, "These might be the ideal shoes for someone of your
age, sir.  They're called Nike Energy Savers.
As Gus is trying them on, he notices the left shoe contains
an unusual pocket next to the heel, so he asks the assistant,
" What's this little pocket thing for?"
"You can carry spare change in there, sir," replies the
assistant, so you can call your wife to pick you up when
you've jogged enough."

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You Might Be a Farmer If...
* Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
* You convince your wife that an overnight,
 out-of-state trip for equipment parts is a vacation.
* You have ever had to wash off in the backyard
 with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
* You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
* You have used baling wire to attach a license plate.
* You have used a chain saw to remodel your house.

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Sunny : Do they have a 4th of July in England?
Tommy: Of course.....
How else do they get from the 3rd to the 5th?

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A Five year old boy was trying to write a letter..
Dad: What are you writing my son ??
Son: Love letter to my girlfriend !!!
Dad: Do you know how to write ??
Son: No!!! So what...
She also doesn't know how to read..
It's Love Dad you won't Understand.... 

••

 My girlfriend said that I'm too immature for her
I said "If I'm immature, how come I've got an Assfor?"
She said "What's an Assfor?"
"Chitting." I said, and giggled for 20 minutes.

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A newly engaged couple were having dinner with
the bride-to-be's parents.
Things were going smoothly until her father
decided to find out a little more about her fiancé.
 The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man,
can you support a family?"
The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no.
I was just planning to support your daughter.
The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."

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Well, Friends it's going to be
another Hot day....
and calling for the same all week.
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♥

I was so close...........
to getting off from a speeding ticket the other day.
I told the female officer she was the most beautiful woman
I'd ever seen.
Blushing with a huge grin she said "thank you very much".
To which I replied 'and that's not just the booze talking
either".

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I read this on the Internet -- did you know that 4th of July
is more popular in this country than in any other country in
the whole world?

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Q: What do you call 13 bunnies in a row, hopping
backwards?
A: A receding hairline!!!!!!

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 I got stopped by a woman in the street today.
She said, "Excuse me, sir, have you had an accident in the
last three years that wasn't your fault?"
 I said, "Yes, she's nearly 2 now."

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 So my girlfriend wants to get married......
I said, "Hey, introduce me to the guy and if he's a good guy
I'll give it my blessing."

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2 guys are drivin around town.
As they pull up to the red light the driver flies
through it....

The passenger yells at him "what are
you doing?"
he replies "this is how his brother drives."
They come to another red light, and again, he
shoots right through it.
Again he asks,"Why'd you do that?"
Again,he says this is how his brother drives.
They then come to a green light, and he slams on
the brakes.
The passenger shouted at him, "Why do you do
that?!"
 He replied, "You never know, my brother could
be coming the other way."

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What does E.T. stand for?
Because he hasn't got a chair!

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Good Morning...Friends....
Well it's Hump day....
And still Hot-Hot....
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♥

A politician was walking home from the county
courthouse the evening of Election Day when he
came upon a young boy sitting on the curb,
bawling his eyes out.
"Why are you crying?" the politician asked.
"My dad died," the boy replied.
"That's terrible, when did it happen"?
"Five years ago," the boy said.
"Five years ago? And you are still this upset"?
"It's not that," the boy said.
"It's just that my dad voted today, but he didn't
come to see me."

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A pal of mine was telling me last night that his wife had
told him to go to the doctor's and get some of those tablets
that "help" men get an erection.
You should have seen her face when he came back and
tossed her some diet pills!

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Anybody go to the big gay pride parade over the weekend?
I like the gay pride parade.
Everybody dresses up.
Where else can you see a 300-pound guy in a cocktail dress?

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You have done so much, with so little for so long, that you
are now qualified to do anything with nothing.

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 The other day I went to Office Max to get some supplies.
While there I bought a new ink cartridge for my printer.
It came in a fairly large box mounted on a card and
wrapped in plastic.
 When I took it apart, which took an unnecessarily long time,
I found that the printer cartridge itself was actually quite
small.
It seems they made the packaging large to make it harder to
steal and to make the customer feel better about the high
price.
 So I pointed this out to my wife and mentioned how my
weight gain over the years of our marriage should have the
same effect... It made me seem more valuable and also
made me harder for other women to steal.
She's still laughing......

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 Took a class on Cost Benefit Analysis and the book for
the class cost $400.
When I refused to buy it, the professor gave me an "A".

••
A new study says that people who snore have a higher
risk of cancer.
But the good news is: Hey, at least they're not losing any
sleep over it.

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A father found his small son looking very unhappy.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
The boy said, "I can't get along with your wife."

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This ugly woman came up to me at the bar last
night: "Hey lover" she cooed.
 "Wow, you must be the hottest thing I've ever
seen" I said.
 "Mmmm, nice" she whispered, "what makes you
think I'm so hot?"
 "It looks like your face has melted." 

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Good Morning...Friends...
Hot-Hot.....
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♥

I took the wife to a disco last weekend.
There was a guy on the dance floor giving it everything he
had; break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.
My wife turned to me and said, " See that guy?
25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
I said, "Looks like he's still celebrating!!"
Then the fight started.....

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Barbara and I were eating in an open air cafe when it
started raining really heavily.
It took us an hour and a half to finish our soup!

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Bulletin Bloopers;
*The pastor will preach his farewell message,
after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
*A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
*Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church
 and community.
*The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's
Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.
The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
*Thursday night Potluck Supper.
Prayer and medication to
follow.

••

 Two drunks were in a bar.
One said to the other,"I have to go for a pee."
The other said, "I have to go, too.
Tell you what, why don't you go for me while you're in
there."
The first drunk guy says, "Ok."
He staggers to the john, and is gone for a long time.
When he comes back, he punches the other drunk in the
face and knocks him to the floor.
The second drunk looks up and asks, “Why did you hit me?"
"If you'd told me you had to take a chit, I would have pulled
down my pants!"

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Fear= sitting in traffic when you feel that second cup of
coffee and the bran muffin starting to kick in.

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A family in Colorado was reunited with their lost bulldog,
after it was found 500 miles away.
In response, the bulldog was like, “Jeez, can’t these people
take a hint?”

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Cop stopped me......
Walked up to my car and ask "you know why I stopped you"?
I looked at him and say why did you forget....

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 I was in a restaurant looking through the menu and I
said, "Waiter, have you got frogs' legs?"
 "No," he answered. "I always walk like this."

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Good Morning friends...
Well we spent the weekend
cleaning up after thunder storms....
Yard full of leaves and limbs....
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♥

 A lady wrote to an advice column in a newspaper:
"I have been engaged to a man for some time, but just
before the wedding, I find he has a wooden leg.
Do you think I should break it off?"

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Things I do when Im bored......
paint a blue square in my backyard.
So that Google Earth thinks I have a pool.

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 I played a gig yesterday.....
It was amazing.
Everybody clapping and singing along.
Then, afterwards, I hooked up with two groupies who were
completely out of their minds on drugs.
 The nursing home has asked me to play the organ again
next Tuesday.

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 Ever look at someone and ask yourself.....
THAT was the strongest swimmer?

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 Today, a police officer came to talk to the kids at my
workplace.
He asked what they wanted to hear about first.
A group of them shouted, "The donuts, tells us about the
donuts."
Apparently these idiots are the future of my country.

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Red meat is not bad for you.
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

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There is talk that a "Sesame Street" movie is in the works.
It got weird when Cookie Monster was like, "Me willing to
go nude if done tastefully."

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My wife has a 3D tattoo around her anus.
It was meant to be a starfish, but since her haemorrhoids,
its now an octopus.

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I just got robbed at the gas station....
It's getting real bad over here.
I called the cops and they asked if I knew who did it.
" Yessir I do" , I said, "It was pump #5" 

  

Good Morning, Friends...
Heat wave and thunder storms...
Big bad wind came thru...
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♥

A security guard stopped me as I walked out of Walmart
this morning.
"I believe you've got a bottle of champagne inside your
jacket," he said, "Would you mind opening it for me?"
"Not at all," I replied, "Have you got a couple of glasses?"

••

The Arabian inventor of the bullet proof vehicle died today.
R.I.P Ahmed Carr

••

 WARNING: If you see posts offering free clips of
Justin Bieber's new album,..... DO NOT CLICK.
They link to free clips of Justin Bieber's new album.

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My wife and I were discussing what song we each would
like played at our funerals.
"I want something memorable," she said, "something that
will bring everyone close together"
"I know what you mean" I said softly as I made my way to
the CD player, "something like this?"
Well, the  look she gave me as I bounced around to
the conga was just evil.

••

Gus pulled into his driveway after a tough day of repairing
roofs
He got out of the truck and slammed the door. 
As his helper jumped down from the passenger seat,
Gus let him have it.
"Damn it, Pete," he yelled. 
"I've taught you everything I know, and you still don't know
anything!"

••

 I made breakfast in bed for my wife this morning and
she said, "I can't eat that, it's burnt and horrible."
I replied, "Yeah I know it is.
It was your recipe I used."

••

“American Idol” is down to its final two
contestants.
The losing contestant will fade away into obscurity,
while the winning contestant won’t have that
happen until around June.

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Under ObamaCare all Lasik procedures will be done
outside.... In the sun.... With a magnifying glass.

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I think before we vote we should get the politicians really
drunk so we can hear what's really on their minds.

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 Shortly before our 25th wedding anniversary, my
husband sent 25 long-stemmed yellow roses to me at my
office.
A few days later, I plucked all the petals and dried them.
On the night of our anniversary, I spread the petals over
the bed and lay on top of them, wearing only a negligee.
As I'd hoped, I got a reaction from my husband.
When he saw me, he said, "Are those potato chips?"

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cl Deja poo, the feeling you've heard someone's chit before.