••

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••••

♥

His wife had been killed in an accident and the
police were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?"
asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty
years," said the Irishman.

••

The blind farmer was often taken for a walk in
the fields by a kind neighbor.
However kindly the neighbor might have been,
he was undoubtedly a coward.
When a bull charged towards them one day,
he abandoned the blind man.
 The bull, puzzled by a lack of fear, nudged the
farmer in the back.
He turned very quickly, caught the bull by the
horns and threw it to the ground with a bump
that left it breathless.
 "Aidan," said the neighbor, "I never knew you
were so strong."
"Faith, and if I could have got that fella off the
handlebars of the bicycle I'd have thrashed him
properly."

••
 I heard a story about a mother who was sick with
the flu.
Her darling daughter wanted to be a good nurse.
She fluffed the pillows and brought a magazine
for her mother to read.
And then she showed up with a cup of tea.
 Why, "your such a sweetheart," the mother said
as she drank the tea.
"I didn't know you could make tea."
 "Oh, yes," the little girl replied.
"I put the tea leaves in the water like you do,
and I boiled it, and then I strained it into a cup.
But I couldn't find a strainer, so I used the
flyswatter."
 "You what?"
And the little girl said, "Oh, don't worry, mom.
I didn't use the new flyswatter.
I used the old one."

••
 Husband Throwing Darts At His Wife’s Photo
And Not Even A Single One Hitting The Target..
From Another Room Wife Called The Husband :
“Honey What Are You Doing.. Husband:
“MISSING YOU”..

••

A Man Goes To See The Rabbi.
"Rabbi, Something Terrible Is Happening And I
Have To Talk To You About It."
The Rabbi Asked, "What's Wrong?"
The Man Replied, "My Wife Is Poisoning Me."
The Rabbi, Very Surprised By This, Asks, "How
Can That Be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you,
I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi Then Offers, "Tell You What.
Let Me Talk To Her, I'll See What I Can Find Out
And I'll Let You Know."
The Rabbi Calls after a while And Says,
"Well I Spoke To Her For Three Hours.
You Want My Advice?"
The Man Said Yes
The Rabbi Replied,
"Take The poison"...!

••

A nurse finished up with an elderly male patient
after his physical. 
He was dressed, but his zipper was down, and
she told him so.
His reply:  "Honey, what can't get up,
can't get out."

••

There was an engineer, manager and programmer 
driving down a steep mountain road.
 The brakes failed and the car careened down the
road out of control.
Half way down the driver managed to stop the
car by running it against the embankment
narrowing avoiding going over a cliff.
 They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape
from death, but otherwise unharmed.
 The manager said “To fix this problem we need
to organize a committee, have meetings, and
through a process of continuous improvement,
develop a solution.”
 The engineer said “No that would take too long,
and besides that method never worked before.
I have my trusty pen knife here and will take
apart the brake system, isolate the problem and
correct it.”
 The programmer said “I think you’re both wrong!
I think we should all push the car back up the hill
and see if it happens again.”

••
 An outraged tenant complained:  "My roof is
leaking, rain is coming in through a broken
window and the floors are flooded. 
How long is this going to continue?"
"How should I know?" said his landlord. 
"I'm not a weatherman."

••

Getting away from their high-stress jobs,
a couple spends relaxing weekends in their
motor home.
When they found their peace and quiet disturbed
by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from
other campers, they devised a plan to assure
themselves some privacy.
Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign
on the door of their RV:
"Insurance agent.
Ask about our term-life package."

••

 

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♥

A friend left me alone in a restaurant with her
16-month-old kid.
I asked, "What do I do if he cries?"
She said, "Give him some vegetables."
It turns out that jalapenos are not his favorite
vegetable and I will not be asked to babysit again.

••

A carload of hunters, on holiday, were looking
for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmer's yard
in County Waterford, Ireland.
The driver, Brannagh, went up to the farmhouse
to ask permission to hunt on the farmer's land.
 The old farmer said, 'Sure you can hunt, but
would you be doing me a favour?
That old donkey standing over there is 20 years
old and sick with cancer, but I don't have the
heart to kill her.
Would you do it for me?'
 Brannagh replied, 'Of course I will,' and strolled
back to the car.
While walking back, however, Brannagh decided
to play a trick on his hunting friends.
He got into the car and when they asked if the
farmer had said if it was alright, he said,
'No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going to teach
that old fellow a lesson he won't forget.'
 With that, the Irishman rolled down his window,
stuck his gun out and shot the donkey.
As he shouted, 'To be sure, that will teach him,'
a second shot rang out from the passenger side
and one of his hunting mates yelled, 'And me,
begorrah, I got the cow.'

••
 Paddy gets a job in a maternity unit when he’s
asked to bath a baby.
The nurse walks in to see him moving the baby
around in the bathtub with a stick.
 She screams at him: “What the hell do you think
you’re doing, you don’t bath a baby with a stick!”
 He says: “You do when the water is this 
hot”.

•• 

I went to the dmv the other day to get my license
renewed and the lady asked me if i wanted to be
a poll worker.
As a guy i had no clue what she was asking,
so a answered, no.... I am not a very good dancer..

••

Flex told a bunch of Yo Momma jokes to a group
of kids earlier, he thought it was pretty funny..
Unfortunately, the staff at the orphanage didn't.  

•• 

You may have had a wee bit too much to drink
if:
1)You consistantly lose arguments with
inanimate objects.
2)You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from
falling off the Earth.
3)The back of your head keeps getting hit by the
toilet seat.
4) The mosquitoes that bite you fly away in
erratic patterns and hit objects in their way.

••

What is similarity between Bill Gates and me?
He never comes to my house....
and I never go to his house.

••

A man is drinking alone at the bar.
Drinking and crying.
The bartender keeps on pouring him drinks,
and the man asks for more.
The bartender says: "I see you are very unhappy,
sir.
I'm here to listen, you know."
 The man says: "I'm a musician.
A composer, actually.
That's my passion.
Writing music is all I want to do in my life, and I
know that I'm bloody good at it."
 "I see.
What's the trouble, then?"
 "Well, nobody wants to listen my music!
I don't have an idea why!......... Do you?"
 "It's hard to tell.
I don't think I have heard your music."
 "Do you have a piano here?
I could play you something."
 There was a piano.
The man started playing.
It was incredible.
Beautiful, touching, powerful music.
 The bartender listened the piece with tears in his
eyes.
"That was the greatest tune I have heard in my
life", he said.
"I can't believe that nobody wants to hear it.
What's the name of this song?"
 "I Love You So Much I Can't Take a Dump."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                                                   ·٠•●♥ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·˙

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♥

Tony is an avid golfer and likes to practice his

golf swing on his lawn. 
Often, during the summer , he breaks a window
or two. 
"Oh well,"we always say" at least it was our own
window."
And he have's the glass replaced.
One year, when he was having trouble with his
swing, he broke a grand total of four windows. 
The following spring, a parcel arrived, addressed
to him. 
It was a box of a dozen golf balls and the
enclosed note read, "Have a good season. 
From Mike, your Window Guy.

••

Bottom Warmer Warning....

Bottom warmers in cars may ease frigid winter
commutes, but dermatologists
warn that extended exposure to seat heaters can
lead to a skin condition called technically,
"A Burned Ass"!

••

A guy goes to his doctor......

Doctor: "I'm sorry, but you're just too ugly for
plastic surgery.
I suggest wearing a plastic bag over your head."
 Patient: "Um don't you mean a paper bag"...?
Doctor: "Maybe I didn't emphasize how ugly you
really are"....

••  

Little Johnny was so proud of the surprise

birthday cake he made for his mom,
but it was all she could do to swallow even one
bite.
"How do you like it, Mommy?"
"It's wonderful, John."
Little Johnny beamed.
"I'm glad.

I'm sorry there's no candles on top but,

when I took it out of the oven, they were all gone!"

••

A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring

page to her class.
On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella.
The teacher told her class to color the duck in
yellow and the umbrella green, however, Bobby,
the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire
truck red.
After seeing this, the teacher asked him:
"Bobby, how many times have you see a red duck?"
Young Bobby replied with "The same number of
times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."

••

"Did you ever notice that everyone in favor of
birth control has already been born?"

••

 As I shopped, the following announcement came
over the department store’s PA system:
“If someone here has a convertible with the top
down, it just started raining.
Towels are located in aisle five.”

••

Two new prisoners were shown to their cell.

"How long are you in for?" asked the first.
"Eighteen years," replied the second.
"How about you?"
"Twenty-five years.
So since your getting out first, you'd better have
the bed by the door."

~~·٠•●♥ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·~~

••

Peek-a-boo.....

Stupid Blogger interface, freezing up...

I will try one last time...

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♥

I'm a kids' entertainer.
I go round children's hospitals trying to cheer up
the poor little runts.
This weekend went well, apart from the amputee
ward.
What a bunch of miserable little wimps!
They cried all the way through the Hokey Pokey.

••

A policeman knocked on my door this morning
but I just locked it and sat there in complete
silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just
continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I
was determined not to move in the hope that he
would just go away.
 Then he decided to look through the window.
He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid?
I can see you in there, sir.
Open the door."
 I said, "You're not coming in officer!"
He said, "I don't want to come in,
I just want you to step out of the car."

••

The Advil Commandments.......
So Moses is up on Mount Sinai and he says to
God, "God, do I have a pounding headache!"
And God says, "Here, take these two tablets."

••
 I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. - Mae West -

••

I asked my doc what she thought about medical
MJ.....
She said, "Well, it tends to effect your short term
memory."
I said, "Oh, OK. What do you think about
medical MJ?"

••

Of course, You know women call me "God?"
Whenever I walk into a business, all the girls go,
"Oh, God......... He's here."

••

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a
new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of
the art.. It's perfect.'
 'Really,' answered the neighbor .
'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'

••

What's The Most Popular Word That Begins
With 'F & Ends With 'K'?
Its FACEBOOK
The Word You Thought Is The 2nd Most Popular!

••

Paddy drags a huge metal box to the Antiques
Roadshow in Dublin.
"Where did you get this from?" asks the expert.
"It's been in my loft for 40 yrs.
 I think it's a family heirloom" says Paddy.
"Do you have any insurance?" asks the expert.
"Should I?" asks Paddy.
"Yes you should." says the expert
"It's your water tank."

••

                                                                     ٠•●♥ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·

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♥

The secret of enjoying a good wine........
open the bottle to allow it breathe.
If it does not look like it's breathing,
give it mouth to mouth.

••

When a woman says "what?"..
it is not because she did not hear you.
She's giving you a chance to change what you
said ;)

••

The county implemented a birth control program
 here.....
Seems to be working.
They took the back seats out of all of the log
trucks.

••

I was sitting at a bar with a friend the other night
when he casually pointed across the bar from us
and said, "see those two old drunks sitting there...
that's going to be us in ten years."
 I looked and him and said, "that's a mirror stupid!"

••

I recently flew to Detroit to campaign for the
release of an American man who I felt had been
wrongly imprisoned ;
Mr. Kenneth Frederick Crawfords
 I even had my banner all written out, although
I couldn't fit his entire name on it so I used his
initials.
Apparently walking around detroit city with a
huge banner reading " Free KFC" is not the
smartest thing to do...   

•• 

Today my doctor told me to start killing people ...
Well, technically the words he used were that I
need to reduce the amount of stress in my life !!

••

Sue drained her pool the other day, and
when I asked her why, she responded:
"I want to practice diving, but I don't know how
to swim!"

••
 One day there was a woman who lost her cat
named "LOVE."
It was pretty dark outside and she lived in
New York.
So, thinking that he might be down the street,
she put on her house-coat and went looking for
him.
When a police officer stopped to ask what she
was doing, she said very honestly,
"I'm looking for LOVE."
The policeman arrested her on the spot.

••
 Grandpa  was celebrating his
100th birthday and Everybody complimented
him on how athletic and well- preserved he
appeared.
"I will tell you the secret of my success,"
he cackled.
"My wife and I were married 75 years ago.
On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge.
Whenever we had a fight, the one who was
proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.
Gentlemen, I have been in the open air day after
day for some 75 years now."

••

                                                                    ·٠•●♥ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·˙

 

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♥

A man and his wife were lying in bed the other
night when he noticed she had bought a new
book entitled, "What 20 Million American
Women Want."
 He grabbed the book out of her hands and
started thumbing through the pages.
His wife was a little annoyed.
"Hey, what do you think you're doing?"
He calmly replied, "I just wanted to see if they
spelled my name right."

••

A senior Senator called and had a question about
the documents he needed in order to fly to China.
 After a lengthy discussion about passports,
I reminded him that he needed a visa.
“Oh, no I don’t.
I’ve been to China many times and never had to
have one of those.”
 I double checked and sure enough, his stay
required a visa.
When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to
China four times and every time they have
accepted my American Express!”

••

A real-estate agent was driving around with a
new trainee when she spotted a charming little
farmhouse with a hand-lettered "For Sale" sign
out front.
 After briskly introducing herself and her
associate to the startled occupant, the agent
cruised from room to room, opening closets and
cupboards, testing faucets and pointing out
where a "new light fixture here and a little paint
there" would help.
Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was
hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing.
 "Ma'am," the man said, "I appreciate the
home-improvement tips and all, but I think you
read my sign wrong.
It says, "HORSE for sale."

••

The chef of the upscale restaurant I manage
collided with a waiter one day and spilled coffee
all over our computer.
The liquid poured into the processing unit, and
resulted in some dramatic crackling and popping
sounds.
After sopping up the mess, we gathered around
the terminal as the computer was turned back on. 
"Please let it work," pleaded the guilt-ridden
waiter.
Another waiter replied, "Should be faster than
ever.......  That was a double espresso."

••

Evenin' folks.

I live up here in the mountains in a
tiny town named Hayfork.
Now, that is almost a joke in itself,right?
Every time I go down to the city, someone will
inevitably ask "Ware you fum, boy".
"Hayfork".
"Har,Har,Har!
Hey, boys!....... We got us a Hayforker here!

••

Q: How is the bad economy affecting Mardi Gras?
A: Now when you throw beads, women only flash
one boob!

••

The A B C...joke After being married for thirty
years a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B,
C, D, E, F, G, H.... I, J, K." She asks......
"What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful,
Elegant, Fancy, Gorgeous, Honey.
She smiled happily and said...."Oh, that's so lovely
..... What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

••
 A banker who was viewing a customer's farm
pointed to a man in the barnyard and asked if he
was a hired hand.
Aware that banks have a reputation for passing
out impressive job titles, the farmer replied,
"No, he's the second vice president in charge of
dairy cows."

••

Miss Simmons agreed to be interviewed by Alec
for the school magazine.
"How old are you Miss Simmons?" asked Alec.
"I'm not going to tell you that."
"But Mr. Hill the technical teacher and
Mr. Hill the geography teacher teacher told me
how old they were."
 "Oh, well," said Miss Simmons.
"I'm the same age as both of them."
The poor teacher was not happy when she saw
what Alec wrote:
"Miss Simmons, our English teacher, confided
in me that she was as old as the Hills."

••

A dog walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Excuse me, but whose dog is
this?
The sign outside clearly says....
NO DOGS ALLOWED"
 The dog says, "Well, I'm not just any dog you
know."
The barman says, "So what makes you so special?"

••

~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~

!!

Good Morning......
••

Some guy down on the street;

Ouch, What the ELL!

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•••••

♥

Mitt Romney is so conservative
when he goes to KFC, he only orders the right
wings.  

••

"Yesterday was Fat Tuesday,
and of course, this being America,
it will be followed by Even Fatter Wednesday,
Obese Thursday and Fat-Ass Friday.”

••

After receiving ashes on his forehead on
Ash Wednesday, Little Johnny asked his dad
what they were.
Before his dad could answer, his 8-year-old
sister told him that some people are buried after
they die and some people are burned and that
makes ashes.
Little Johnny exclaimed........
“Then who is on my forehead?”

••

On their way home from attending an Ash
Wednesday service, little Johnny asked his
mother, "Is it true, Mommy, that we are made of
dust like the minister said tonight?"
 "Yes, darling," his mother answered.
"And is it true that we go back to dust again
when we die?"
"Yes, dear," his mother replied.
"Well, Mommy, when I said my prayers last
night and looked under the bed, I saw someone
who is either coming or going?"

••

The night of Ash Wednesday......
we had a dinner, followed by worship.
During the dinner, a young mother came to me
and said she overheard two 3rd graders talking
earlier that day in school.
The little girl asked the boy what that smudge
was on his forehead.
He replied, "Its Ash Wednesday."
 "Whats Ash Wednesday?" she asked.
"Oh, its when Christians begin their diet,"
he replied

••

If you can start the day without caffeine or pills,
If you can understand when loved ones are too
busy to give you time,
If you can take criticism and blame without
resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can do all these things,
Then you are probably the family dog.

••

Hear about the enterprising rabbi that's offering
circumsion via the internet?
The service is called e-moyl!

••

New Orleans caving in to The American Dieting
Council, has agreed to stop referring to
Mardi Gras as 'Fat Tuesday.'
Instead when speaking about Mardi Gras,
they will refer to it as 'Pleasantly Plump Tuesday.'

••
 A young man visited his sister who was married
to a farmer in a poor district of the country.
Since there were limited accommodations,
he was required to sleep with his young nephew.
 When the young man came into the bedroom,
he saw the little boy kneeling at the side of the
bed with his head bowed.
Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing,
he decided to present a good example and
kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head
bowed.
 The child looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?"
"Why, the same thing you're doing", replied the
uncle.
"Ma's gonna be mad", said the boy.
"The bedpan's on this side".

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