••

 

••

♥
While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer
discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing
$30 in cash.
The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about
the curious items, she confessed: "Over the years, I
haven't been completely faithful to you.
When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to
remind myself of my indiscretion," she explained.
The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful
either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget a
few moments of weakness in his wife.
"I'm curious though," he said, "Where did the thirty
dollars come from?"
"Oh that," his wife replied, "Well, when soybeans hit ten
dollars a bushel, I sold out!"

 

••

When everything's coming your way,
you're in the wrong lane.

 

••

Spent the whole day in the dog house.....
as apparently I cheated on my missus her in HER dream...
If only she knew what I was dreaming...

 

••

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong
finger?"
The other replied, " Yes I am, I married the wrong man.

 

••

I noticed my Jehovah's witness neighbor knocking
loudly on his own door today.
I said, "What's wrong? Are you locked out?"
He replied "No, I'm just practicing."

 

••

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Duane!
Duane who?
Duane the bath, I'm dwowning!

 

••

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Dwayne!
Dwayne who?
Dwayne in Spain falls mainly on the plain...!

 

••

Boss: Who said that just because I tried to kiss you at
last month's Christmas party, you could neglect to do
your work around here?
Secretary: My lawyer.

 

••

A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the
couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple?
How devoted they are?
He kisses her every time they meet.
Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to." Replied the husband.
"But I don't know her well enough ."

••••

••

 

••

♥

 

As the doctor went over my chart, he said,
"The surgery has risks.
You will almost certainly regain the sight in your eyes
but there is a chance it will affect your ability to maintain
an erection."
I said, "How come?"
He said, "Well ... your wife is very ugly".

 

••

Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
 A: Bobbing for french fries.

 

••

Bubba tells us a story about his encounter with a
Vampire late one night.
The Vampire wanted to smoke and asked Bubba for a
light.
When Bubba obliged, the vampire seems to have told him,
"Fang you very much."

 

••

Q: Why did it take the blonde seven days to drive from
St. Louis to Chicago?
 A: She kept seeing signs that read "stop clean bathroom".

 

••

In Year 1981....
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes
4. Pope Died
In Year 2005....
1. Prince Charles got married (again)
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe(again)
3. Australia lost the Ashes (again)
4. Pope Died (again)
Moral of the story -
In future, if Prince Charles decides to re-marry...
please warn the Pope............

 

••

If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will
borrow it and you will break it.

 

••

Police in Chicago last night announced the discovery of
an arms cache of 400 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000
rounds of ammunition, 200 pounds of heroin, 5 million
in forged US banknotes and 35 trafficked Latino
prostitutes; all in a house behind the Public Library on
Martin Luther King Drive.
Local residents were stunned, and a community
spokesman said: "We're all shocked; we never knew we
had a library."

 

••

All this talk about the Royal baby is bringing back bad
memories for me.

Last time I was third in line for the throne I shit my self
in Pizza Hut.
 

••••

••

••

♥

 

Breaking news...
George Zimmerman changes his name to Ben Ghazi so
Obama and the Media will never mention him again..

 

••

A Puzzle for Darwin....
On the sixth day, God created the platypus.
And God said: Let's see the evolutionists try and figure
this one out.

 

••

Most men prefer looks to brains because they see better
than they think.

 

••

Got pulled over by the police last night.
They ordered me to get out of the car.
'You're staggering', said the officer.
I replied, 'You're not a bad looking yourself, officer."

 

••

I ate a pack of skittles before a urine test.
I passed with flying colors.

 

••

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a
Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.

 

••
According to a new study, inactivity can kill you.
You can die from doing nothing.
Believe me.
These findings scare the hell out of the Congress.

 

••

Is a wolf in sheep's clothing....
A cross dresser?

A dray of squirrels
A murmuration of starlings
A mustering of storks
A flight of swallows
A bevy, herd, lamentation, or wedge of swans
A sounder or drift of swine
A hover of trout..

 

••••

# 248

••

 

••

♥

 

The maids revenge...
Just after the maid had been fired.
She took five bucks from her purse, she threw it to Fido,
the family dog.
When asked why by her former employer, she answered,
"I never forget a friend.
This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!

 

••

Joe: What is the role of Market Analysts?
Harry: They are professionals who will know tomorrow
why the things they predicted yesterday didn't happen
today!

 

••

“Soup operas were the big winners at the Cans Film
Festival.”

 

••

Phobia: coprastasophobia Fear of: constipation.....

 

••

A woman phoned her male neighbor and said:
"Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are
having sex.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you
yesterday."
To which the man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you
because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

 

••

Most men prefer looks to brains because they see better
than they think.

 

••

I'm starting a new business . . . 
It's called Condoms & Coffins.
Our motto is: "We cover all stiffs, whether you're
coming or going!"

 

••

I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good
father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

 

••

Q. Why are mountain climbers inquisitive?
A. They always want to take another peak. 

 

••

A man notices a beautiful blonde sitting at the end of the
bar.
He calls the bartender over and tells him he wants to buy
her a drink.
"It won't do you any good, buddy," says the bartender.
"you see, she's a lesbian."
The man buys the drink and after a while, he calls the
bartender over again and orders another drink for the
lady.
"Alright, if you want to," says the bartender, "but like I
told you, she's a lesbian."

 

••
After another round, he slides down to the end of the bar,
smiles at her and whispers, "So, what part of Lesbia are
you from?"

 

••••

••

 

••

♥

 

The Black Bra (as told by a woman).....
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been
married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to
amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a
black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.....
My Engaged Friend:
 The other night when my boyfriend came over he found
me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.'
Then we made passionate love all night long.
The Mistress:
 Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and
I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra,
heels and mask over my eyes.
When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he
started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I Had To Share My Story:
 When my husband came home I was wearing the black
bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said...
 "What's for dinner, Zorro?"

 

•• 

The three most amazing things about women are:
1 They can give milk without eating grass.
2 They can bleed for a week and not die.
3 They can bury a bone and not get their noses dirty. 

 

••

It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal
your future.
Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same:
death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.

 

••

Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows
you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

 

••

Laurel to Hardy: Do you know your brain is a masterpiece.
Hardy: You really think so?.... Thanks.
Laurel: Yeah, in the left half, nothing is right, and in the
right, nothing is left.

 

••

Twinkies are back on the shelves.
And get this: People are complaining that they're
smaller. Ironically, the people complaining about it
are NOT smaller.

 

••

I was in the pub earlier with my mate talking about what
our favorite thing about our wives bodies were.
"I think my wife has the most amazing ass," I said'....
He replied "For me it's that thing right between by wife's
tits.
I can't remember what it's called."
"On your wife?"...... I said "Her knees."

 

••

The American version of royalty is back.
That's right....... Twinkies.

 

•• 

I think I’d be pretty good at reading Braille.
I just need to get a feel for it.
(I know that Helen Keller was horribly burned one day
when she tried reading a waffle iron. )

 

••

I wonder what happens when doctors wife eats an apple
 a day......

 

••••

••

 

••

♥

 

The weathermen say the temperature is going to reach
extremely high levels again today, and we should all be
checking on the elderly and senile.
Are you OK???

 

••

A marine biologist developed  a race of genetically
engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were
fed a steady diet of seagulls.
One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go
out and trap some more.
On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road.
Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.
Immediately, he was arrested and charged with
transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal
porpoises.

 

••

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class
because it was a weapon of math disruption.

 

••

Jill and Phil had just finished  a vigorous round of
passionate sex when Phil discovered that the condom he
was using had come off.
After the initial panic wore off and expletives were issued,
Phil, in a fit of humor, grabbed a flashlight, and while
pointing it towards Jill's private parts yelled:
"Swim toward the light! Swim toward the light!"

 

••

Q. What do you call Tomato juice, vodka and gelatine ?
A. A blood clot.

 

••

Does anyone know why baby diapers are called
Luvs & Huggies while old people diapers are called
Depends?
Cause if a baby shits in his pants, you are still gonna
Luv'em & Hug'em.
If an old person shits in their pants, will they still be
Luv'ed or Hugged?
That "Depends" on if your ass is in the Will or not.

 

••

Someone knocked at my door this afternoon.
I walked to the door and asked, "Are you a Jehovah's
witness?"
"Yes," he replied, "Now open the door."
"Get off from my place!" I shouted, "I don't tolerate
religious nonsense."
"That's your problem," he said, "Your pizza is getting cold."

••
About five years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle
had died because I left the lights on overnight.
I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the
house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car.
I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric
oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast
enough to start it.
I pointed out to her that because the VW had an
automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least
30 mph for it to start.
She said fine, hoped into her car and drove off.
I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.
A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rearview
mirror coming at me at about 40 mph, I realized that I
should have been a bit clearer with my directions.

 

••

Bondage for me and hubby is so much easier now we're
older.......
I used to have to blindfold him, now I just hide his glasses.

 

••

When politicians get the flu, you never know which
way they're going to vote.
Sometimes the eyes have it, and sometimes the nose.

••••