••
♥
The weathermen say the temperature is going to reach
extremely high levels again today, and we should all be
checking on the elderly and senile.
Are you OK???
extremely high levels again today, and we should all be
checking on the elderly and senile.
Are you OK???
••
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically
engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were
fed a steady diet of seagulls.
One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go
out and trap some more.
On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road.
Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.
Immediately, he was arrested and charged with
transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal
porpoises.
engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were
fed a steady diet of seagulls.
One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go
out and trap some more.
On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road.
Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.
Immediately, he was arrested and charged with
transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal
porpoises.
••
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class
because it was a weapon of math disruption.
because it was a weapon of math disruption.
••
Jill and Phil had just finished a vigorous round of
passionate sex when Phil discovered that the condom he
was using had come off.
After the initial panic wore off and expletives were issued,
Phil, in a fit of humor, grabbed a flashlight, and while
pointing it towards Jill's private parts yelled:
"Swim toward the light! Swim toward the light!"
passionate sex when Phil discovered that the condom he
was using had come off.
After the initial panic wore off and expletives were issued,
Phil, in a fit of humor, grabbed a flashlight, and while
pointing it towards Jill's private parts yelled:
"Swim toward the light! Swim toward the light!"
••
Q. What do you call Tomato juice, vodka and gelatine ?
A. A blood clot.
A. A blood clot.
••
Does anyone know why baby diapers are called
Luvs & Huggies while old people diapers are called
Depends?
Cause if a baby shits in his pants, you are still gonna
Luv'em & Hug'em.
If an old person shits in their pants, will they still be
Luv'ed or Hugged?
That "Depends" on if your ass is in the Will or not.
Luvs & Huggies while old people diapers are called
Depends?
Cause if a baby shits in his pants, you are still gonna
Luv'em & Hug'em.
If an old person shits in their pants, will they still be
Luv'ed or Hugged?
That "Depends" on if your ass is in the Will or not.
••
Someone knocked at my door this afternoon.
I walked to the door and asked, "Are you a Jehovah's
witness?"
"Yes," he replied, "Now open the door."
"Get off from my place!" I shouted, "I don't tolerate
religious nonsense."
"That's your problem," he said, "Your pizza is getting cold."
I walked to the door and asked, "Are you a Jehovah's
witness?"
"Yes," he replied, "Now open the door."
"Get off from my place!" I shouted, "I don't tolerate
religious nonsense."
"That's your problem," he said, "Your pizza is getting cold."
••
About five years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle
had died because I left the lights on overnight.
I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the
house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car.
I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric
oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast
enough to start it.
I pointed out to her that because the VW had an
automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least
30 mph for it to start.
She said fine, hoped into her car and drove off.
I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.
A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rearview
mirror coming at me at about 40 mph, I realized that I
should have been a bit clearer with my directions.
About five years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle
had died because I left the lights on overnight.
I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the
house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car.
I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric
oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast
enough to start it.
I pointed out to her that because the VW had an
automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least
30 mph for it to start.
She said fine, hoped into her car and drove off.
I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.
A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rearview
mirror coming at me at about 40 mph, I realized that I
should have been a bit clearer with my directions.
••
Bondage for me and hubby is so much easier now we're
older.......
I used to have to blindfold him, now I just hide his glasses.
older.......
I used to have to blindfold him, now I just hide his glasses.
••
When politicians get the flu, you never know which
way they're going to vote.
Sometimes the eyes have it, and sometimes the nose.
way they're going to vote.
Sometimes the eyes have it, and sometimes the nose.
••••
