••

Talk about a sloppy kiss.....

 

••

♥

How did Helen Keller break her arms?
Trying to read road signs at forty M.P.H.

 

••

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate,
when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of
brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

 

••

Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after
a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull
1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up
his dry cleaning.

 

••

I am such a lucky man.
My wife has just said that I can invite my sexy secretary to our
house for a few drinks and have sex with her as much as I want
all weekend.
Well, what she actually said was "I'm going to New York this
weekend with work, so you will have the house to yourself."

 

••

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last
Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs
Out Soon.

 

••

"That is him." I said to my wife in the shopping centre.
"That's Kenny Baker, the actor who played R2D2 in Star Wars."
"Are you sure?" she asked.
"It doesn't look like him, go on over and ask."
A couple of minutes later I walked back over to her.
"Well, what did he say?"
"Nothing." I said...... "It's a trash can."

 

••

The trouble with practical jokes is.....
that very often they get elected, or reelected.

 

••

A young man on acid walked into a dentist's office and said,
"Can you help me? I think I'm a moth."
The dentist said, "You don't need a dentist.... You need a psychiatrist."
"Yes, I know," the man said.
The dentist asked, "So then why did you come in here?"
The man replied, "The light was on."

 

••

Teacher: Who is the President of United States?
Johnny: I don't know Miss.
Teacher: You need to focus more on your studies.
Johnny: Please Miss, can I ask a question?
Teacher: Yes.
Johnny: Do you know Angela?
Teacher: No, why?
Johnny : You need to focus more on your husband!

••

The geriatrician had an 88 year old woman in for X-Rays.
He kidded with her, "Before we do this procedure, I have to
check: are you pregnant?"
"No." she answered, "But boy, am I late."

••••

••

 

 

••

♥

Q: Why are blondes constantly running out of ice?
 A: They forgot the recipe...

 

••

Just a thought: Nowadays, a man spends quite some time in
acquiring good physique rather than good knowledge.
Reason: He knows a woman may be dumb but not blind..

 

••

Why did your boss jump out of the window?" the detective
asked the secretary.
"I don't know", she sobbed, "he was always so nice to me.
Two months ago he gave me a fur coat, last month a sports
car and just today a diamond ring.
Then he asked, what it would cost to be able to ravish me."
"And what did you say?"
I just said, "The other men in the office always just give me
fifty bucks."

 

••

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and
Somalia took a  Middle aged couple from Weymouth.

 

••

Told by a woman:
I wanted to spice up my sex life with my husband.
I even read books about how to do this.
One book suggested stripping naked and wrapping everything
in saran wrap; so that's what I did.
Then I laid on the dining room table for my husband to see
as he walked in.
Bastard took one look at me and said, 'Leftovers again?'

 

••

I love wearing my pinwheel hat.
It makes me believe I can fly
...until the acid wears off, and I'm naked ...
on a motorway bridge ...riding a goat.

 

••

You know it will be a bad day when....
....the gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money.
....your kids start treating you the same way you treated your
parents.
....you have to borrow from your VISA to pay off your
MASTERCARD.
....you realize that you just sprayed spot remover under your
arms instead of deodorant.
....your car payment, house payment, and girlfriend are three
months overdue.

 

••

“When the window fell into the incinerator,
it was a pane in the ash to retrieve.”

 

••••

 

 

 

••

 

••

♥

Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was
crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate.
He tried in vain to attract attention, but every time he yelled
'The Milky Bars are on me!' people just cheered.

 

••

An optimist is a person who starts a
new diet on Thanksgiving Day.

 

••

I've started a business building yachts in my attic.
Sails are going through the roof.

 

••

Two old men, John and David, met at a park.
 John said, "Hey, where have you been all these years?"
 David replied, "I was in jail."
 "What? What did you do?" asked John.
 David said, "Well, I was standing at the marketplace when
this pretty young thing appeared with a policeman,
pointed to me and said, 'That's the guy, Officer.
He's the one who raped me'."
 "What? And you let her accuse you like that?"
 exclaimed John.
 "Well, you know I felt so flattered, I had to admit to it,"
replied David...

 

••

As chairman of the Blind Society, I was accused of
needlessly wasting money.
So I arranged a fireworks display to cheer everyone up.

 

••

If pro- is the opposite of con- then congress must be
the opposite of progress...

 

••

A drunk walks into a bar with a wet, steaming pile of Chit
in his hands.
He looks over at the bartender with pride and says,
"Lookie what I almost stepped in!"

 

••

Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener......

 

••••

 

 

••

 

••

♥

Q. Have you heard of the dyslexic cow who attained
enlightenment?
A. It kept on repeating OOOOMMM!

 

••

A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot but
she keeps denying it until finally the husband just knew it when
his wife said: Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told
you niner thousand times, negative on the affair ...

 

••

Ice skating is now on my list of things in life I never care if I
do again.
Its like an anti-bucket list -- it rhymes with bucket,
I can tell you that much.

 

••

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill.
Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had
in mind.

 

••

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is
wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative
fellow, so naturally he's curious about the sudden change in
fashion sense.
The man walks up to his co-worker and says, "I didn't know
you were into earrings."
 "Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies
sheepishly.
"Well, I'm curious," begged the man, "how long have you been
wearing an earring?"
 "Uhm, ever since my wife found it in our bed."

 

••

I went to the store today to buy a pressure cooker only to find
out there is now a mandatory background check and a 10 day
waiting period.
Of course, the fully automatic pressure cookers are completely
banned, but you can still get the semi-automatic ones.
I have friends who think civilians should not be allowed to
own pressure cookers, only the Military should have them for
use on the battlefield.
As for me, I am clinging to my pressure cooker and my bible.
They can have my pressure cooker when they pry it from my
cold dead hands.
Please join and pledge your support to the NCPA....
 (Nat'l Pressure Cooker Assn.)

••
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Beryl!
Beryl who?
Beryl of beer!

 

••

You know youre too high when youre eating cereal naked
and your girlfriend says, Put your clothes on, and then you
realize its not your girlfriend, its some woman on a bus..

••••

••

 

••

♥

While hitting the local flea market, the wife and I stopped by
an Amish booth, where we looked at information explaining
why they shun any type of modern technology.
 On our way out, the wife bought a neat little refrigerator
magnet at their gift shop.

 

••

Sears; pressure cookers are flying off the shelves....

 

••

Useless knowledge;
Hair grows slowest at night.
It’s growth speeds up in the morning, slows down in the afternoon,
and accelerates again in the evening.
Hair grows faster in summer than in winter.

 

••

Sam asks daddy, "can we go to McDonalds?"
Daddy said, "You can if you can spell it."
Sam replied,  "Lets just go to KFC instead."

 

••

Says it all about getting older & the whole aging thing.
An elderly couple, Lucy & John, were recently attending church
services at The Villages.
About halfway through the service, Lucy took a pen and paper
out of her purse, wrote a note and handed it to John .
The note said:" I just let out a silent fa-rt, what do you think
I should do?"
John scribbled back, " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

 

••

Why was everyone so tired on April 1st?
they had just finished a March of 31 days...

 

•• 

A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry.
When it comes back there are still stains in her panties.
The next week she encloses a note to the Chinese man that says,
"Use more soap on panties."
This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same
note to the laundry.
"Use more soap on panties."
Finally fed up the Chinese man responded with his own note
that said, "Use more paper on butt."

 

••

Two bats are hanging in a cave and one says to the other
"The thing that worries me most about getting old is
incontinence."

 

••

Joe the farmer's wife gave him a plate of grass for his dinner.
"What the hell's this?" he exploded.
"If its good enough for you girlfriend then it's good enough
for you!"she said.

 

••

I'm reminded of the time that a tornado tore through the farm
and slammed grandma's rooster up against the barn and
stripped every feather of the poor beast.
He was bare and shivering in the cold and grandma felt
powerful sorry for him.
So she got a pair of grandpa's old bib overalls out of the rag bag
and cut them down and sewed them up to fit the old rooster.

We asked her, "Grandma do you know how funny your old
rooster looks runnin' around in them bib overalls?"
And grandma said, "It ain't half as funny as watchin' him hold
down a chicken with one foot while he tries to get them straps
off with the other".

 

••••

 

 

••

 

••

♥

we must conduct mental health screenings
for anyone wishing to own pressure cookers....

 

••

An elderly couple were driving across the country.
The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway
patrol.
The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!"
 The patrolman said, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave him her license.
The patrolman said, "I see you are from Edinburgh. I spent some
time there once and had the worst sex I have ever had."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"

 

•• 

A government report found  that the US spends more than
1 billion on redundant government programs.
Another government report found that the US spends more
than 1 billion on redundant government programs.

 

••

Helga hung out the wash to dry and then went downtown to pick up
some dry cleaning.
 "Gootness, it's hotter Dan hell today," she mused to herself as she
walked down Main Street .
 She passed a tavern and thought , "Vy nodt?"
So, she walked in and took a seat at the bar.
The bartender walked up and asked her what she would like to drink.
"Ya know," Helga said in a timid voice.... "I don't usually go into bars,
but today I vill make an exception...
It is zo hot, I tink I'll haf myself a cold beer"
 "Anheuser Busch?" the bartender asked.
Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yur viener?"

 

••

I bought a pint of  Häagen-Dazs ice cream at the supermarket.
As the cashier rang it up, I asked, “How do you pronounce
that?”
 Speaking slowly and distinctly, he said,
“Four dollars and seventy-nine cents.”

 

••

Question: ... What is a formation of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hairline.........

 

••

On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said
that it was time to get ready.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be
standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing.
As the clock struck – the bartender was almost crushed to
death.

••
The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will
last at least until we've finished building it...

••••