••

 

••

♥

 

I met this homeless secret agent,
The names Bond... Vagabond.

 

••

Resolving to surprise her husband,

an executive's wife
stopped by his office.
She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion,
gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to
operate this office with just one chair.

 

••

I worked 48 hrs straight and stumbled home from my lab.
I was so beat that when my Jewish girlfriend stopped in,
I said, "Hey baby, how 'bout if we just sleep together
tonight and not have sex?"
And she said, "Sorry, honey, but I'm saving that for
the man I marry."

••
Redneck tips;
    Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the
floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

    While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a
job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck
keys.

    Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several
days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good
money.

 

AMNESIA:
Condition that enables a woman who has gone through
labor to have sex again.

••

A fellow, who had spent his whole life in the desert,
comes to visit a friend.
He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.
While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one
day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but
doesn't know what it is.
Predictably, he's hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks.
It was only a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive
some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and
some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's
house attending a party one evening.
While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle
whistling.
He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and
proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an
unrecognizable lump of metal.
His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen,
sees what's happened and asks the desert man,
"Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"
The desert man replies,
"Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

 

••

My girlfriend said, "I hate it when you finish my
sentences."
So I said, "Period."

 

••

My friend's eyesight is chit and he wears the thickest
magnifying glasses.
He invited me over to view his new 52" flat screen TV.
I didn't have the heart to tell him.
It's a 14" portable.

 

••

Taco Bell doesn't have a playground, because
it's hard to have fun when you might chit your pants at
any minute.

 

••

I just was just taking some stuff out of the attic and
found a present I forgot to give my kids last year at
Christmas...
pity because  I know they would have loved a kitten..

 

••••

••

 

••

♥

 

One day a boy and his father were at the dining room
table working on the boy's Social Studies homework,
the chapter about government.
The boy turns to his father and asks,
"Dad, how many people work in the U.S. government?"
The father replies without hesitating,
"Oh, about ten percent."

 

••

A businessman was having a tough time lugging his
lumpy, oversized travel bag onto the plane. 
Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to
stuff it in the overhead bin. 
"Do you always carry such heavy luggage?"
she sighed.
"No more," the man said...... 
"Next time, I'm riding in the bag, and my partner can
buy the ticket!"

 

••

I've got trouble with the wife again - she came into the bar
looking for me and I asked for her number.

 

••

Two cows are in a field.
One says to the other
"What do you reckon to that mad cow disease?"
The other one says
"It doesn"t bother me - I"m a duck!"

 

••

This lesson was learned by Miss Greedy Who wore her
shoplifted bikini.
She heard a loud pop, And off came her top And had
nothing on in betweenie!

 

••

At the height of a political corruption trial, the
prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.
"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five
thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't
hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to
compromise this case?"the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please
answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking
to you."

 

••

Two men knocked on my front door and asked if I would
kindly donate to the new local swimming pool.
So I gave them a bottle of water.

 

••

David Beckham is working away so he goes into
Interflora to get a bouquet of flowers for Victoria.
"Do you want them scented?" asks the assistant.
"Yes please," says David.
"It's too far to take them myself."

 

••

Before science was invented it was once believed that
autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked
every tree in existence.

 

••••

••

STOP,STOP!

 

Cheese burger pizza.....

 

••

♥

 

Most folks would rather check their Facebook,
than face their checkbook.

 

••

Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help! 
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.

 

••

My wife called me at the bar the other night and in an
effort to entice me home she said, "Hey sexy, just wanted
to let you know there's a naked woman lying in your bed
waiting for you."
"You two get started and I'll be home soon" definitely
wasn't the answer she was looking for...

••
After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy
nurse standing over me.
She said, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
"Fair enough," I replied, groping her breasts.

 

••

My wife wanted one of those big-screen TVs for her
birthday.
I just moved her chair closer to the one we already have.

 

••

Husband sent a text to his wife at night,
"Hi dear I will be getting home a bit late today,
Could you please try to do my lundries and prepare my
favorite dish before I return?"
After waiting 15min with no response.....
He sent another text,
"And I forgot to add that I got an 80% increase in my
salary and at the end of the month I'm getting you a
new car"
She text back, "OMG really?"
Husband replied.........
"No I just wanted to make sure you got my first message".

 

••

Smoking reefer didn't cause him to fail,
 And that Lewinsky affair is a tale.
 These two things they will name,
 When the defense makes its claim,
 That neither Bill nor the girl did inhale.

 

○○

When Gus was a kid....
We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid.
A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when
it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a
dime.
By the time I was 14, I owned my own home.

 

••

If there's one thing I learned growing up,
it's that everyone has to pay for their own mistakes.
Except for the government.
Somehow you have to pay for theirs too.

••••

 

••

 

••

♥

 

A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks
down.
He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood.
About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds
and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of
his trunk!
He runs around and yells, "Hey, bud, this is my car!"
"OK," the man says, "You take the front and I`ll take the
back."

 

••

Judi went to a "Dude Ranch" on vacation. 
The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a
Western or English saddle.
Judi asked what the difference was.
"Well, one has a horn and the other doesn't."
"Just get the one without the horn. 
I don't think we'll run into too much traffic out here."

 

••

I was told by my Doctor that I have dementia.
But I'm going to see my Doctor about it.

 

••

The young lesbian couple next door never close their
bedroom curtains.
I must be the world's unluckiest gay man.

 

••

I've just introduced myself to my new elderly neighbor.
"I'm Greg from next door," I said, "If you ever need any
help with the garden, or help with a problem around the
house,
then please don't ask me, I'm a lazy bum."

 

••

She said ,
"I LOVE U"
I said
OH! my GOD !
Wt a co-incidence !
i love me too !... Attitude u know... !

 

••

Church Bulletin Bloopers....
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing
campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge -
Up Yours."

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.

For those of you who have children and don't know it,
we have a nursery downstairs.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to
come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

 

••

Q: How do you feel if you cross a sheepdog with a melon?
A: Melon-collie!

 

••

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon:
with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the
world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the
wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in
the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and
announced with a smile, "For our closing song,
let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

 

••

Q: What do you get if cross two young dogs with a pair
of headphones?
A: Hush puppies!

 

••••

••

••

♥

Sher was telling her girlfriend Sue about the gent she
met on a trip to Vegas.
"He took me to his condo overlooking the strip in Vegas,
we had some wine and then he showed me all these
expensive jewels.
There was an emerald cut diamond of at least five carats,
a tennis bracelet of six carats, and even a wrist watch
with eleven carats."
"Impressive." said Sue.
"Well... yes." Sher agreed.
"But the downside was that with all those carats,
he expected me to behave like a rabbit."

 

••

"True terror is waking up and finding that your high
school class is running this country!"

 

••

Yup! Show and Tell is always a good source of humor.
This 1st grader demonstrated his cool purple slingshot
with a little piece of wadded up paper.
He was well-practiced, but couldn't understand why his
teacher couldn't seem to stop laughing.
"Where did you find that?"
Looking slightly ashamed, he answered.
"In my sister's drawer."
"Well," she tried to answer with some dignity.
"Don't forget to give it back to her then."
"Okay."..... He answered, apparantly appeased that
he wasn't going to get in trouble.
"Just don't do it at dinnertime."
Then she mentally smacked herself.
Shouldn't have opened that--
"Why not?"
Twenty innocent faces looked up at her for a good answer.
How do you explain why he shouldn't hand his sister back
her thong at the dinner table? 

 

••

My wife was so happy to hear how much I donate
to charity
 ..until she found out Charity works at Hooters.

 

••

Hv you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?
the woman asked her husband.
"No"...said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or
4 buttons of her blouse...and slowly reached down into
the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra...and
pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her .....
and smiled approvingly.
"Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"...
She then asked her husband?
"Uh...no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his
voice).
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt,
and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties...
And pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill...
And started breathing a little quicker with anticipation..
"Now" ...she said. "Have you ever seen $30,000 Dollars
all crumpled up?"
"No way" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more
aroused... And excited).
"Well go look in the garage!"...she said....

 

•• 

I went back to see my doctor today.
I said, "I applied the cream to my nuts that you gave me
this morning and I got a very nasty reaction."
"Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked.
I said, "On the bus."

 

••

I was doing my Football checklist yesterday afternoon.
I’ve got 500 cans of beer, 24 bottles of Jack Daniels and
enough chips and party snacks to choke an elephant.
I’ve bought new bean bags for the front room, a 50" wall
mounted plasma television and a new massaging
armchair for myself.
I’ve booked a whole month off work, invited my friends
round for every game and got my Jersey ready.
All in all I was feeling pretty damn proud.
Until I realized the most important thing......
I had forgotten to kill the wife .

 

••

The NFL announced today that for financial reasons,
they had to eliminate one team from the league.
So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers
and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team,
causing many layoffs but saving millions of dollars in
costs.
They will be known as the TAMPACKS.

Unfortunately,
they're only good for one period and have no second
string!

 

••

Sue was walking down the street with her husband earlier
when he accused her of being ashamed to be seen with
him.
"That is total bs" she replied.
By text, from across the road.

 

••••

 

••

♥

 

 

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her
husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an
alphabet wife .... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks ... "What the heck does that mean?"
He said,"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant,
Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot".
She smiled happily and said ...
"Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down .

 

••

Why are mountain climbers inquisitive?
They always want to take another peak.

 

••

Be neutral, now, there are always two sides ....
Male Vs. Female Logic;
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes.
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3...
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip..
(This is where it gets scary !)
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose..
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day
which puts your spending each month at $450.
In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?
Man: Correct.
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for
inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at
$108,000, correct?
Man: Correct.
Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much
beer, that money could havebeen put in a step-up interest
savings account and after accounting for compound
interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought
a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No.
Man:  Where’s your Ferrari?....

 

••

Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming
wedding.
One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old,
and she's just 26!... What kind of a wedding is that?"
The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding." 
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"
The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"

 

••

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of
the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She read out loud: "...The pig went up to the man with
the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir,
but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do
you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said
'Holy %$#@! A talking pig!'..
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

 

••

Little Johnny brought a note to the teacher on the second
day of school.
It was from his parents:
"Johnny is telling us that you're being rude to him,
humiliating him in class, that you swear and that you
have hygiene issues.
We are allowing him to leave class whenever he feels you
are treating him unfairly or being a poor influence on his
development."
However, all the other teachers prepared this one for
Little Johnny and his ways, so she simply wrote a note
back in a sealed envelope for his parents. It read:
"If you do not believe everything Johnny says about me,
then I won't believe everything he says about you."
She never heard another complaint from them. 

 

••

Billy gets off the bus after his first day in kindergarten.
His mom, waiting eagerly asks:
"How was your first day?"
"Fine." (Mom thought: Oh! Already learned that one!)
"Just fine?"
"I guess I didn't do so well," he mumbled.
"What makes you say that?"
"They said I have to go back tomorrow!"

 

••

 

How about some back to school humor?
After the recession and then the Sequester, an English
teacher could only find a job teaching English in a prison
for violent teen offenders.
Last week was her first day.
It started off something like this:
"We're going to start off with the basics.
Who can tell me what makes up a sentence?"
After hearing the answers, she quit her job and is now
working at a gun sales shop. 

 

•• 

The Texas State Police are  cracking down on speeders
heading into Dallas.
For the first offense, they give you 2 Dallas Cowboy tickets.
If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.

 

••

What do the Dallas Cowboys and Billy Graham have in
common?
They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell
"Jesus Christ."

 

••••