••
♥
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her
husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an
alphabet wife .... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks ... "What the heck does that mean?"
He said,"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant,
Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot".
She smiled happily and said ...
"Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down .
husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an
alphabet wife .... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks ... "What the heck does that mean?"
He said,"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant,
Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot".
She smiled happily and said ...
"Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down .
••
Why are mountain climbers inquisitive?
They always want to take another peak.
They always want to take another peak.
••
Be neutral, now, there are always two sides ....
Male Vs. Female Logic;
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes.
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3...
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip..
(This is where it gets scary !)
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose..
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day
which puts your spending each month at $450.
In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?
Man: Correct.
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for
inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at
$108,000, correct?
Man: Correct.
Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much
beer, that money could havebeen put in a step-up interest
savings account and after accounting for compound
interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought
a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No.
Man: Where’s your Ferrari?....
Male Vs. Female Logic;
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes.
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3...
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip..
(This is where it gets scary !)
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose..
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day
which puts your spending each month at $450.
In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?
Man: Correct.
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for
inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at
$108,000, correct?
Man: Correct.
Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much
beer, that money could havebeen put in a step-up interest
savings account and after accounting for compound
interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought
a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No.
Man: Where’s your Ferrari?....
••
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming
wedding.
One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old,
and she's just 26!... What kind of a wedding is that?"
The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"
The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
wedding.
One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old,
and she's just 26!... What kind of a wedding is that?"
The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"
The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
••
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of
the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She read out loud: "...The pig went up to the man with
the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir,
but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do
you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said
'Holy %$#@! A talking pig!'..
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She read out loud: "...The pig went up to the man with
the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir,
but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do
you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said
'Holy %$#@! A talking pig!'..
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
••
Little Johnny brought a note to the teacher on the second
day of school.
It was from his parents:
"Johnny is telling us that you're being rude to him,
humiliating him in class, that you swear and that you
have hygiene issues.
We are allowing him to leave class whenever he feels you
are treating him unfairly or being a poor influence on his
development."
However, all the other teachers prepared this one for
Little Johnny and his ways, so she simply wrote a note
back in a sealed envelope for his parents. It read:
"If you do not believe everything Johnny says about me,
then I won't believe everything he says about you."
She never heard another complaint from them.
day of school.
It was from his parents:
"Johnny is telling us that you're being rude to him,
humiliating him in class, that you swear and that you
have hygiene issues.
We are allowing him to leave class whenever he feels you
are treating him unfairly or being a poor influence on his
development."
However, all the other teachers prepared this one for
Little Johnny and his ways, so she simply wrote a note
back in a sealed envelope for his parents. It read:
"If you do not believe everything Johnny says about me,
then I won't believe everything he says about you."
She never heard another complaint from them.
••
Billy gets off the bus after his first day in kindergarten.
His mom, waiting eagerly asks:
"How was your first day?"
"Fine." (Mom thought: Oh! Already learned that one!)
"Just fine?"
"I guess I didn't do so well," he mumbled.
"What makes you say that?"
"They said I have to go back tomorrow!"
His mom, waiting eagerly asks:
"How was your first day?"
"Fine." (Mom thought: Oh! Already learned that one!)
"Just fine?"
"I guess I didn't do so well," he mumbled.
"What makes you say that?"
"They said I have to go back tomorrow!"
••
How about some back to school humor?
After the recession and then the Sequester, an English
teacher could only find a job teaching English in a prison
for violent teen offenders.
Last week was her first day.
It started off something like this:
"We're going to start off with the basics.
Who can tell me what makes up a sentence?"
After hearing the answers, she quit her job and is now
working at a gun sales shop.
After the recession and then the Sequester, an English
teacher could only find a job teaching English in a prison
for violent teen offenders.
Last week was her first day.
It started off something like this:
"We're going to start off with the basics.
Who can tell me what makes up a sentence?"
After hearing the answers, she quit her job and is now
working at a gun sales shop.
••
The Texas State Police are cracking down on speeders
heading into Dallas.
For the first offense, they give you 2 Dallas Cowboy tickets.
If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.
heading into Dallas.
For the first offense, they give you 2 Dallas Cowboy tickets.
If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.
••
What do the Dallas Cowboys and Billy Graham have in
common?
They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell
"Jesus Christ."
common?
They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell
"Jesus Christ."
••••
