••

 

••

♥

 

"Some Republicans are saying that due to his current
scandals, President Obama should be impeached.
In response, Obama laughed and said,
'Two words fellas: President Biden.'

 

••

Once upon a time there were two little skunks named
"In" and "Out."
They lived in a hollow tree with their mother.
Sometime In and Out played outside,but other times they
played inside.
One day In was out and Out was in.
Mother skunk told Out to go out and bring In in.
So Out went out and in a few minutes he came in with In."
My my, Out," she said, "How did you find In so quickly?"
Out just smiled and said, "Instinct."

 

••

Did you hear about the troll who won a gold medal at
the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.

 

••

A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road,
paid a passing farmer fifty dollars to pull him out with
his tractor.
After he was back on dry ground he said to the farmer,
"At those prices, I should think you would be pulling
people out of the mud night and day."
"Can't," replied the farmer.
"At night I haul water for the hole." 

 

•• 

When does “B” come after “U”?
When you take some of his honey ......

 

••

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class
on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor
to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young
lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," said she.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas,
"how about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
 

••
Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
A: I want to hold your hand hand hand hand hand hand
hand hand.

 

••

A woman buys a new Sim Card.
Puts it in her phone and decides to surprise her husband
who is seated on the couch in the Living room.
She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new
number: "Hello Darling."
The husband responds in a low tone:
"Let me call you back later Honey, the stupid woman is
in the kitchen."
He is now in Divorce Court.

 

••••

# 2075

••

 

••

♥

 

If you can't afford a doctor, go to an airport. 
You'll get a free x-ray and a breast exam, and, if you
mention al-qaeda, you'll get a free colonoscopy.

 

••

Google: I know everything.
Facebook: I know everyone.
Internet: Without me, you're nothing.
Electricity: Keep talking fools.

 

••

tomorrow (noun) : a mystical land where 99% of all
human productivity, motivation, and achievement is
stored.

 

••

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two
snails.
When the police show up, they ask him what happened.
The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know.
It all happened so fast.”

 

••

You can tell a lot about a woman's mood by her  hands.
For instance, if she's holding a gun,
she's probably pissed off.

 

••

The last time there were sparks in my bedroom is when
I was watching porn under the electric blanket.

 

••

Took this chick home last night.
"What a nice house you've got!" said the girl.
"Thank you.
Why don't you come on through to the games room?"
"A games room!.... Bit much isn't it?" she asked.
"Yeah, but you looked so nervous already I thought you'd
freak out completely if I called it the torture chamber."

 

••

You know you are getting old when: you waste your
whole budget by spending it at yard sales.
And you only spent 2 dollars...

 

•• 

Criss Angel and Houdini walk into a bakery.
Criss palms 3 Donuts with one hand and puts them in
his pocket without anyone noticing.
He says, "Do you see how masterful I am Houdini, I
make donuts disappear at will!"
Houdini responds, "Not bad, not bad at all."
Houdini then goes to the Bakery owner and asks him if
he wants to see a magic trick.
The curious owner answers, "Of course!"
Houdini proceeds to ask him for a Doughnut, and then
eats it.
He asks him for another one, and then eats it as well.
He then asks him for a third one, which the owner
reluctantly gives up.
"So where is the magic trick?
I gave you 3 donuts already!"
Houdini responds, "Go check Criss Angel's pocket."

 

••••

••

 

••

♥

 

Why did the chicken run onto the football field?
Because the umpire called a foul.

 

••

“Did you hear about the farmer who got attacked by a
cow?
He milked it for all it was worth.”

 

••

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars,
Chuck Norris has more money than you.

 

••

Taxiing down the tarmac,  the jetliner abruptly stopped,
turned around and returned to the gate.
After an hour long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant,
"What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine, " 
he explained.
"It took us awhile to find a new pilot."

 

••

US just issued terrorist warning......
something about some new kind of alphabet bomb.
If it goes off, it could spell disaster

 

••

At the urging of his doctor, John moved to Texas.
After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an
older man.
"Say, is this really a healthy place?"
"It sure is," the man replied.
"When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word.
I had hardly any hair on my head.
I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I
had to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said John.
"How long have you been here?"
"I was born here.

••
Anyone who thinks he is too small to make a difference
has never been in bed with a mosquito.

••
When a woman wears leather clothing
A man's heart beats quicker
His throat gets dry
He goes week in the knees
And he begins to think irrationally
Ever wonder why?
Because she smells like a new truck!!! 

 

••

If only mosquitoes sucked fat instead of blood.

 

••

My young brother  asked me what happens after we die.
I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and
worms eat our bodies.
I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us
go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset
him.

••••

••

 

••

♥

 

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps
on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher..

 

••

A poodle and a collie are walking together when the
poodle suddenly unloads on his friend.
“My life is a mess,” he says.
“My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a
schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.”
“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie.
“I can’t,” says the poodle..... “I’m not allowed on the couch.”

••
The guy walked into the bar (ouch) looking like he'd been
run over by a truck.
His hair was matted, his face bloody and scratched, his
clothes torn.
His friends bought him a beer, then asked, "What
happened?"
The guy chugged the beer and said, "I was fighting for
Joanne's virginity."
"No kidding?"
"Yeah. But that little tiger was determined to keep it."

 

••

I tried erotic suffocation on the wife the other night when
we were having sex.
She obviously didn't like it, she's been lying there for
5 days now giving me the silent treatment!!

 

••

Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to devastate,
hurricanes to swirl around & no one teaches a man how
to choose a wife.
NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN.

 

••

Sam had been feeling down for so long that he finally
decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
Sam went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then
waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to
make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked him a few questions, took some
notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with
a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and
said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem.
It is very common among losers."

 

••

Boy asks his new hot step mother:
"What do you feed your baby?"
Step mother: "Milk and orange juice."
Boy: "Which side is orange juice?"

 

••

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store
one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for
his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a
$5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want
something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock
and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body
trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the
old man stated by check.
"I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll
write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to
verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,"
he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old
man.
"There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the
weekend I had?"

 

••

Why won't cannibals eat divorced women?...... Too bitter

 

••

I'm jealous of my parents.
I'll never have a kid as cool as theirs.

••••

# 2072

••

 

••

♥

 

A couple I know were at my house, I had a few friends
over.
 The couple told us that they have 4 sons and needed
advice on how to get a daughter.
Friend#1: Keep trying!
Friend#2: Change your Doctor!
Friend#3: Follow a special diet.
Friend#4: Practice yoga!
But apparently my "Let me try" wasn't very good advice.
 

••
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down
his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish
him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand......

 

••

Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace,
so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you!

 

••

A Christian farmer spent the day in the city.
 In a restaurant for his noon meal, he sat near a group
of young men.
 After he bowed his head to give thanks for his food,
one of the young men thought he would embarrass the
old gentleman.
"Hey, farmer, does everyone do that out where you live?"
The old man calmly replied, "No, son, the pigs don't!"

 

••

My women gives me the "I need more space" line today.
I said "You've gained 50 pounds in 6 months, how much
more space do you need?"

 

••

A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping
center.
Her arms were heavily laden with a mop and broom and
other cleaning supplies.
By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in
a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.
When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap,
the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to
get out of here and home before Christmas!"
"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk.
"With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new
broom you have here, you'll be home in no time."

 

••

What do you call identical boobs?
Identitties.

 

••

Gus got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside
an elderly lady.
A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and had
to let loose a big noisy fart.
Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady
and asked her, "Do you by any chance have today's paper?"
The lady looked at him and said, "No, but the next time
we pass by a tree, I'll grab you a handful of leaves."

 

••

Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls.
He walked....

••
A young woman was preparing for her wedding.
She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black
negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would
not wrinkle.
Well, Mom forgot until the last minute.
So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nighty.
She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.
After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel
room.
The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his
new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to
peek while he got ready for bed.
While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her
suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in
there.
She exclaimed, "Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!"
Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!" 

 

••••

••

 

••

♥

 

During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents
young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure,
money, and beautiful women.
I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving.
Don't try and stop me!"
With that he headed toward the door.
His father rose and followed close behind.
"Didn't you hear what I said?
I don't want you to try and stop me."
"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father.
"If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."

 

••

My wife asked me to act out my wildest fantasies.
So I filed for divorce.

 

••

I went into the kitchen this morning and found my wife
face down not breathing.
I panicked! Didn't know what to do!!!!!!
Then I remembered McDonalds does breakfast till 10:30!

••
A graduate with a science degree asks,
"Why does it work?"
A graduate with an engineering degree asks,
"How does it work?"
A graduate with an accounting degree asks,
"How much it cost?"
A graduate with a liberal arts degree asks,
"Do you want fries with that?"

 

••

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

 

••

A Scotsman walking... through a field, sees a man
drinking water from a pool with his hand. 
The Scotsman man shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor thatâs full
Oâ coos Sharn'! (Don't drink the water, it's full of cow
s ** t.)
The man shouts back 'I'm English, Speak English,
I don't understand you'.
The Scotsman man shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll
get more in.'

 

••

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I
spell it.

 

••

I wanted a cigar but they were too expensive.
I rolled some tobacco in a piece of brown construction
paper........ It was close, but no cigar. 

 

•• 

There was a little boy who had just learned to count on
his fingers.
One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious
to show off his newly acquired skill.
He told the uncle to ask him and addition question.
So they uncle asked, "What is three plus four?"
The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said,
"Seven."
The uncle said, "Listen kid, you cant count it out on your
hands because someday when you are in school,
a teacher will get mad at you for it.
Now put your hands in your pockets."
So the little boy put his hands in his pockets and his
uncle asked, "What is five plus five?"
The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then the
boy said, "Eleven."

 

••

A woman, while touring a small  South American country
was shown a bullfight.
The guide told her, "This is our number one sport."
The horrified woman said, "Isn't that revolting?"
"No," the guide replied, "revolting is our number two
sport."

 

••••