# 2075

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♥

 

If you can't afford a doctor, go to an airport. 
You'll get a free x-ray and a breast exam, and, if you
mention al-qaeda, you'll get a free colonoscopy.

 

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Google: I know everything.
Facebook: I know everyone.
Internet: Without me, you're nothing.
Electricity: Keep talking fools.

 

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tomorrow (noun) : a mystical land where 99% of all
human productivity, motivation, and achievement is
stored.

 

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A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two
snails.
When the police show up, they ask him what happened.
The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know.
It all happened so fast.”

 

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You can tell a lot about a woman's mood by her  hands.
For instance, if she's holding a gun,
she's probably pissed off.

 

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The last time there were sparks in my bedroom is when
I was watching porn under the electric blanket.

 

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Took this chick home last night.
"What a nice house you've got!" said the girl.
"Thank you.
Why don't you come on through to the games room?"
"A games room!.... Bit much isn't it?" she asked.
"Yeah, but you looked so nervous already I thought you'd
freak out completely if I called it the torture chamber."

 

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You know you are getting old when: you waste your
whole budget by spending it at yard sales.
And you only spent 2 dollars...

 

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Criss Angel and Houdini walk into a bakery.
Criss palms 3 Donuts with one hand and puts them in
his pocket without anyone noticing.
He says, "Do you see how masterful I am Houdini, I
make donuts disappear at will!"
Houdini responds, "Not bad, not bad at all."
Houdini then goes to the Bakery owner and asks him if
he wants to see a magic trick.
The curious owner answers, "Of course!"
Houdini proceeds to ask him for a Doughnut, and then
eats it.
He asks him for another one, and then eats it as well.
He then asks him for a third one, which the owner
reluctantly gives up.
"So where is the magic trick?
I gave you 3 donuts already!"
Houdini responds, "Go check Criss Angel's pocket."

 

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