••

 

••

♥

 

I yelled to my neighbor, "I've locked my keys in my car
and my children are inside."
My neighbour said, "Do you have a spare set?"
I said, "Yeah, I've got two sons with my ex-wife."

 

••

A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office.
She is taken into an examining room and waits for the
doctor.
After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and
finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman,
"Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"
"Oh ... he is breast fed!", replied the woman.
 "Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor.
 She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examining
table.
The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both
breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough
examination.
The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor
says: "No wonder this baby is so hungry.
You don't have any milk!"
The woman with a wry grin on her face responds:
"Well of course I don't."
"I'm his aunt - but I'm sure glad I brought him in!"

 

••

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a
hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was,
a nurse said, "No change yet."
 

••
An airline ticket office in C-ville reminds you:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL
DIRECTIONS......

 

••

It's Joe's 65th birthday and he makes a resolution to get
his body back into shape.
He gets his physician's approval to join a gym and takes
up an aerobics class for the elderly.
He bends, twists, gyrates, hops and perspires for an hour.
But, by the time Joe got his leotards on, he realized the
class is over.

 

••

Elevator jobs...
Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
They don't know the route.

 

••

Building Security has notified us that there have been
5 suspected terrorists working at our office.
Four of the five have been apprehended.
Bin Sleeping, Bin Loafing, Bin Gossiping, and Bin Surfing
have been taken into custody.
Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the
description of the fifth cell member, Bin Working,
in the office.
Police are confident that anyone who looks like Bin
Working will be very easy to spot.
They thought they had apprehended Bin Working sitting
at a desk, but it was actually Bin Surfing trying to
impersonate Bin Working.

 

••

Why can't elephants ride tricycles?
They don't have any fingers to ring the little bell.

 

••

Two tigers are walking along a jungle  trail in single file.
The rearmost tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes,
then reappears shortly thereafter.
A few moments later, the front tiger feels what seems to
be the other tiger's tongue, applied just below his tail.
The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesn't want to
start anything by bringing it up.
Then, the tiger again feels the tongue, again in the same
place.
He decides to confront the after tiger, and asks him,
"Did you just lick me twice in the butt?"
The other tiger replied, "Yeah, sorry about that.
I just ate a lawyer and I was trying to get the taste out of
my mouth."

 

••

A guy was searching the dictionary for the word
"Dictionary."
He found this meaning: "Dictionary is the thing you are
holding, stupid."

Wondering what the definition of stupid was, he searched
for the word stupid, and found: "Is that you again?"

 

••••

••

 

••

♥

 

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me.
He said I was being ridiculous -
everyone hasn't met me yet.

 

••

Wife: Why are you home so early? 
Husband: My boss told me to go to hell....

 

••

Three guys are debating who has the best memory.
The first guy says, "I can remember the first day of my
First Grade class."
The second guy says, "I can remember my first day at
Nursery School !"
Not to be outdone , the third guy says, "Hell, that's
nothing.
I can remember going to the drive in with my father,
and coming home with my mother."

 

••

What's the most musical part of your body?
Your nose.
You can pick it and you can blow it!

 

••

A stockbroker was nervous about being in
prison because his cellmate looked like a real badass.
"Don't worry," the tough looking thug said,
"I'm in here for a white collar crime too."
"Well, that's a relief," sighed the stockbroker.
"I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading."
"Oh nothing like that for me," grinned the convict.
"I just murdered a couple of priests."
 

••
A doctor who does colonoscopies has to work around
assholes all day!

••
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with
his thumb over the meat.
"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on
my steak?"
"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the
floor again?"

 

••

Never date a tennis player; to them love means NOTHING.

 

••

I'm having a hard time.... determining the mood of my
girlfriend, so I bought her a mood ring.
We have discovered that when she is in a good mood,
the ring turns green.
And when she is in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark
on my forehead.

 

••

Dear Students, I know when you're texting in class.
Seriously, no one just looks down at their crotch and
smiles.
Sincerely,
Your Teacher

 

••

••

 

••

♥

 

I walked into the kitchen this morning and saw a big
chocolate cake with a note beside it which said
"Don't eat me".
My wife must think I'm stupid though.... I don't eat paper.

 

••

Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of
elephants with sunglasses
A: Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.

 

••

I had a strange time last night.
First my blind date didn't turn up, then some woman
walked in, gave me a weird look and immediately left
the restaurant.

 

••

You know, when two people meet.....
they have that initial spark, that crazy attraction,
that's called love at first sight.
When only one person has it, that's called stalking.
The police told me that.

 

••

My love, you take my breath away. 
What have you stepped in to smell this way? 

 

••

A young boy asked his mother 
"Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like
machines?"
"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?"
replied by his mother
The young boy answered " The other day, Daddy was
talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he
screwed the ass off his secretary." 

 

•• 

Here's to the girl that I kissed last.
She didn't kiss slowly nor did she kiss fast.
But she kissed so long and she kissed so sweet.
She made things stand that had no feet.

 

••

If women ruled the world there would be no wars.
Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each
other!!!

 

••

Q: How do you know if you pass an elephant?
A: You can't get the toilet seat down.

 

••

There was a ventriloquist who'd had no work for six
months.
He went to his agent and told him he needed work badly.
The agent said, "There's no call for ventriloquists, but if
you were a psychic I could get you plenty of work."
So the ventriloquist went home and hung out a psychic
sign. An hour later a woman knocks on the door:
"I want to talk to my deceased husband.
How much will it cost?"
The ventriloquist says, "If you talk to him, it's $50;
if he talks to you, it's $100;
and if you talk to each other while I'm drinking a glass
of water, that's $200."

 

••••

 

 

••

 

••

♥

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say,
"I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink
whatever comes out."

 

•• 

“The trampoline was on sale for fifty per cent off.
Needless to say I jumped on the offer.”

 

••

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at
breakfast.
"You aren't good in bed either! he shouted and stormed
off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends
and phoned home.
After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
'What took you so long to answer?'
'I was in bed.'
'What were you doing in bed this late?'
'Getting a second opinion!'

 

••

You're not yourself today......
I noticed the improvement immediately.

 

••

“Did you hear about the crime that happened in a
parking garage?
It was wrong on so many levels.”

 

••

I went for a job interview with the FBI.
I thought I'd blown the observation test when they'd
played this graphic video with two agents giving this
Pakistani a good beating.
It was so violent that I winced and dropped my coffee.
"Now what can you tell me about what you've seen?"
asked the interviewer.
"I'm really sorry but nothing much at all because I was
cleaning up the coffee."
"Good man, you've got the job."

 

••

I'm in hospital !
I ate what I thought was onion but it was a daffodil bulb...
Doctors say i'll be out in the spring !

 

••

A man walks into a police station and asks to speak to
the burglar who broke into his house the night before.
"I’m sorry sir, but you'll get your chance in court,”
says the duty officer.
“No, you don’t understand,” says the man.
“I want to know how he got in the house without waking
the wife.
I've been trying to do that for years.”

 

••

Six year old Annie returns home from school and says
she had her first family planning lesson at school.
Her mother, very interested, asks; "How did it go?"
"I nearly died of shame!" she answers.
"Sam from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."
Her mother answers laughingly, "But that’s no reason to
be ashamed."
"No, but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you
and daddy had to make me yourselves!"

 

••

Three old ladies met on the street on a very stormy day.
The wind was so strong and loud that they had difficulty
in hearing each other.
"It's windy," said one.
"No, it's Thursday," said the next.
"So am I," said the third. "Let's go and have a drink!"

••••

 

 

••

 

••

♥

 

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says, “I think my wife is having an affair
with the electrician.
The other day I came home and found wire cutters under
our bed and they weren’t mine.”
His second friend says, “I think my wife is having an
affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench
under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”
Paddy says, “I think my wife is having an affair with a
horse.”
Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
“No, I’m serious,” Paddy says.
“The other day I came home and found a jockey under
our bed.”

 

••

An Airline introduced a special package for Business men.
Buy your ticket; get your wife's ticket free.
After great success, the company sent letters to all the
wives asking how the trip was.
All of them gave the same reply..."What trip?"

 

••

I got kicked out of the casino this weekend in Las Vegas.
I didn't cheat.
I just misunderstood what the crap table was for....

 

••

"Look at ME!" boasted the fit old man to a group of
young people.
"Every morning I do fifty push-ups, fifty sit-ups and walk
two miles.
I'm fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why?
I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I
don't chase after women!" 
He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes glittering,
"And tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my 95th birthday!" 
"Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers, "How?"

 

••

A man walked into a shop and found the  clerk stalking
flies with a fly swatter.
"Have you gotten any?" he asked.
The clerk replied, "Yeah.
Three males and two females."
"How do you tell the difference?" the man asked curiously.
"Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone!"

 

••

One day a man went to the supermarket to buy some
boneless chicken breasts.
At the store, however, he was disappointed to find only a
few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so he
complained to the butcher lady.
"Don't worry," she said, "I'll pack some more trays and
have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."
A few minutes later, he heard the lady butcher's voice
boom over the speaker: "Will the gentleman who wanted
bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."

 

••

My brother took going to jail badly.......
He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore
at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls
with his own feces......
I'll never play Monopoly with him again!

 

••

I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night.
They were called “Bomb Jovi”...... They were brilliant.
Their last song “Living on a Prayer Mat” almost brought
the house down.
Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he
had the entire Koran on DVD.
I was interested, so I asked him, “Can you burn me a
copy?”
Well, that was when the trouble started…!

 

••

A male prostitute caught leprosy.
He was doing ok, then his business dropped off.

 

••

A woman received a call that her daughter was sick.
She stopped by the pharmacy to get medication, got back
to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the
ground.
She looked at it and said "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her HELP.
Within 5 minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up.
A bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag.
The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick.
I’ve locked my keys in my car.
I must get home.
Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said "Sure."
He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the
car was open.
She hugged the man and through tears said
"Thank You SO Much!
You are a very nice man."
The man replied "Lady, I am NOT a nice man.
I just got out of PRISON yesterday, I was in prison for
car theft."
The woman hugged the man again sobbing,
"Oh, thank you God!
You even sent me a Professional!"

 

••

Why are elephants gray?
So you don't confuse them with grapes.

••••

 

 

••

 

••

♥

 

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police
were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the
sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years,"
said the Irishman.

 

••

I started smoking in high school.
I never thought I'd get hooked.
I always thought, by the time I graduate, thats it:
no more smoking.
But now I'm 33.
Theres no way I'm ever going to graduate.

 

••

Ambien Racing Game....
Heres how you play: on your drive home tonight...
when you get, like, 15, 20 minutes away from your house,
take an Ambien -- and then just try to beat it.
Really fun, and it makes the last part of the drive go
really fast...

 

••

My friend Paddy called me last night.
He said, "My dog had nine puppies 12 weeks ago and
now apparently they are worth $600 each."
"Hell, mate," I said. "Drinks are on you then!"
He said, "I'm not selling them."
"Why not?" I asked.
"Well," he said, "if they're worth $600 each now, can you
imagine what they'll be worth in 10 years?"

 

••

An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a
few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest
regarding their disgraceful quarrels.
"Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you."
"If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change
yer mind."

 

••

A murderer, sitting in the electric chair,
was about to be executed.
"Have you any last requests? Asked the chaplain.
 "Yes," replied the murderer.
"Will you hold my hand?"

 

••

Thoughts on Genealogy...
* Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to better people.
* I trace my family history so I will know who to blame.
* Can a first cousin, once removed, return?
* If you want to make your search for lost relatives easier,
 just win the lottery.
* Do I even WANT ancestors?
* Genealogy: Where you confuse the dead and irritate the
living.
* Every family tree has some sap in it....

 

••

The reprimand......
An Indian Airlines air-hostess was called into the office
of Chief Trainer for a severe reprimand.
"Miss Dixit, I have been informed about the happenings
on your maiden flight", said the furious trainer, glaring
at the air-hostess.
"From now on, please remember - if a passenger feels
faint, you need to push his head down between his own
legs!"

 

••

A Collection Of Insults...
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but
want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember
some these quips from our collection...
Traveling faster than light, but left his sneakers behind.
Trips over cordless phones.
Truck can't haul a full load.
Trying out for the javelin retrieval team.
Tuning in shortwave with a TV antenna.
Two bits shy of a word/dollar.
Two chapters short of a novel.
Two degrees off square.
Two inches taller than spherical.
Two saucers short of a tea-service.
Two sheep short of a sweater.
Two socks short of a pair.
Two suits short of a full deck. (A half-wit.)
Types 120 words a minute but her keyboard isn't plugged
in.

 

••

public service announcement......
If you drink RUM before 10 am in the morning.
You are NOT an alcoholic.
You are a Pirate.
So drink up ARRR Matey.........

••••