••
♥
His wife had been killed in an accident and the police
were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the
sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years,"
said the Irishman.
were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the
sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years,"
said the Irishman.
••
I started smoking in high school.
I never thought I'd get hooked.
I always thought, by the time I graduate, thats it:
no more smoking.
But now I'm 33.
Theres no way I'm ever going to graduate.
I never thought I'd get hooked.
I always thought, by the time I graduate, thats it:
no more smoking.
But now I'm 33.
Theres no way I'm ever going to graduate.
••
Ambien Racing Game....
Heres how you play: on your drive home tonight...
when you get, like, 15, 20 minutes away from your house,
take an Ambien -- and then just try to beat it.
Really fun, and it makes the last part of the drive go
really fast...
Heres how you play: on your drive home tonight...
when you get, like, 15, 20 minutes away from your house,
take an Ambien -- and then just try to beat it.
Really fun, and it makes the last part of the drive go
really fast...
••
My friend Paddy called me last night.
He said, "My dog had nine puppies 12 weeks ago and
now apparently they are worth $600 each."
"Hell, mate," I said. "Drinks are on you then!"
He said, "I'm not selling them."
"Why not?" I asked.
"Well," he said, "if they're worth $600 each now, can you
imagine what they'll be worth in 10 years?"
He said, "My dog had nine puppies 12 weeks ago and
now apparently they are worth $600 each."
"Hell, mate," I said. "Drinks are on you then!"
He said, "I'm not selling them."
"Why not?" I asked.
"Well," he said, "if they're worth $600 each now, can you
imagine what they'll be worth in 10 years?"
••
An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a
few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest
regarding their disgraceful quarrels.
"Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you."
"If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change
yer mind."
few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest
regarding their disgraceful quarrels.
"Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you."
"If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change
yer mind."
••
A murderer, sitting in the electric chair,
was about to be executed.
"Have you any last requests? Asked the chaplain.
"Yes," replied the murderer.
"Will you hold my hand?"
was about to be executed.
"Have you any last requests? Asked the chaplain.
"Yes," replied the murderer.
"Will you hold my hand?"
••
Thoughts on Genealogy...
* Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to better people.
* I trace my family history so I will know who to blame.
* Can a first cousin, once removed, return?
* If you want to make your search for lost relatives easier,
just win the lottery.
* Do I even WANT ancestors?
* Genealogy: Where you confuse the dead and irritate the
living.
* Every family tree has some sap in it....
* Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to better people.
* I trace my family history so I will know who to blame.
* Can a first cousin, once removed, return?
* If you want to make your search for lost relatives easier,
just win the lottery.
* Do I even WANT ancestors?
* Genealogy: Where you confuse the dead and irritate the
living.
* Every family tree has some sap in it....
••
The reprimand......
An Indian Airlines air-hostess was called into the office
of Chief Trainer for a severe reprimand.
"Miss Dixit, I have been informed about the happenings
on your maiden flight", said the furious trainer, glaring
at the air-hostess.
"From now on, please remember - if a passenger feels
faint, you need to push his head down between his own
legs!"
An Indian Airlines air-hostess was called into the office
of Chief Trainer for a severe reprimand.
"Miss Dixit, I have been informed about the happenings
on your maiden flight", said the furious trainer, glaring
at the air-hostess.
"From now on, please remember - if a passenger feels
faint, you need to push his head down between his own
legs!"
••
A Collection Of Insults...
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but
want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember
some these quips from our collection...
Traveling faster than light, but left his sneakers behind.
Trips over cordless phones.
Truck can't haul a full load.
Trying out for the javelin retrieval team.
Tuning in shortwave with a TV antenna.
Two bits shy of a word/dollar.
Two chapters short of a novel.
Two degrees off square.
Two inches taller than spherical.
Two saucers short of a tea-service.
Two sheep short of a sweater.
Two socks short of a pair.
Two suits short of a full deck. (A half-wit.)
Types 120 words a minute but her keyboard isn't plugged
in.
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but
want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember
some these quips from our collection...
Traveling faster than light, but left his sneakers behind.
Trips over cordless phones.
Truck can't haul a full load.
Trying out for the javelin retrieval team.
Tuning in shortwave with a TV antenna.
Two bits shy of a word/dollar.
Two chapters short of a novel.
Two degrees off square.
Two inches taller than spherical.
Two saucers short of a tea-service.
Two sheep short of a sweater.
Two socks short of a pair.
Two suits short of a full deck. (A half-wit.)
Types 120 words a minute but her keyboard isn't plugged
in.
••
public service announcement......
If you drink RUM before 10 am in the morning.
You are NOT an alcoholic.
You are a Pirate.
So drink up ARRR Matey.........
If you drink RUM before 10 am in the morning.
You are NOT an alcoholic.
You are a Pirate.
So drink up ARRR Matey.........
••••
