••
♥
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says, “I think my wife is having an affair
with the electrician.
The other day I came home and found wire cutters under
our bed and they weren’t mine.”
His second friend says, “I think my wife is having an
affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench
under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”
Paddy says, “I think my wife is having an affair with a
horse.”
Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
“No, I’m serious,” Paddy says.
“The other day I came home and found a jockey under
our bed.”
His first friend says, “I think my wife is having an affair
with the electrician.
The other day I came home and found wire cutters under
our bed and they weren’t mine.”
His second friend says, “I think my wife is having an
affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench
under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”
Paddy says, “I think my wife is having an affair with a
horse.”
Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
“No, I’m serious,” Paddy says.
“The other day I came home and found a jockey under
our bed.”
••
An Airline introduced a special package for Business men.
Buy your ticket; get your wife's ticket free.
After great success, the company sent letters to all the
wives asking how the trip was.
All of them gave the same reply..."What trip?"
Buy your ticket; get your wife's ticket free.
After great success, the company sent letters to all the
wives asking how the trip was.
All of them gave the same reply..."What trip?"
••
I got kicked out of the casino this weekend in Las Vegas.
I didn't cheat.
I just misunderstood what the crap table was for....
I didn't cheat.
I just misunderstood what the crap table was for....
••
"Look at ME!" boasted the fit old man to a group of
young people.
"Every morning I do fifty push-ups, fifty sit-ups and walk
two miles.
I'm fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why?
I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I
don't chase after women!"
He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes glittering,
"And tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my 95th birthday!"
"Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers, "How?"
young people.
"Every morning I do fifty push-ups, fifty sit-ups and walk
two miles.
I'm fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why?
I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I
don't chase after women!"
He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes glittering,
"And tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my 95th birthday!"
"Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers, "How?"
••
A man walked into a shop and found the clerk stalking
flies with a fly swatter.
"Have you gotten any?" he asked.
The clerk replied, "Yeah.
Three males and two females."
"How do you tell the difference?" the man asked curiously.
"Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone!"
flies with a fly swatter.
"Have you gotten any?" he asked.
The clerk replied, "Yeah.
Three males and two females."
"How do you tell the difference?" the man asked curiously.
"Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone!"
••
One day a man went to the supermarket to buy some
boneless chicken breasts.
At the store, however, he was disappointed to find only a
few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so he
complained to the butcher lady.
"Don't worry," she said, "I'll pack some more trays and
have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."
A few minutes later, he heard the lady butcher's voice
boom over the speaker: "Will the gentleman who wanted
bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."
boneless chicken breasts.
At the store, however, he was disappointed to find only a
few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so he
complained to the butcher lady.
"Don't worry," she said, "I'll pack some more trays and
have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."
A few minutes later, he heard the lady butcher's voice
boom over the speaker: "Will the gentleman who wanted
bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."
••
My brother took going to jail badly.......
He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore
at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls
with his own feces......
I'll never play Monopoly with him again!
He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore
at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls
with his own feces......
I'll never play Monopoly with him again!
••
I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night.
They were called “Bomb Jovi”...... They were brilliant.
Their last song “Living on a Prayer Mat” almost brought
the house down.
Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he
had the entire Koran on DVD.
I was interested, so I asked him, “Can you burn me a
copy?”
Well, that was when the trouble started…!
They were called “Bomb Jovi”...... They were brilliant.
Their last song “Living on a Prayer Mat” almost brought
the house down.
Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he
had the entire Koran on DVD.
I was interested, so I asked him, “Can you burn me a
copy?”
Well, that was when the trouble started…!
••
A male prostitute caught leprosy.
He was doing ok, then his business dropped off.
He was doing ok, then his business dropped off.
••
A woman received a call that her daughter was sick.
She stopped by the pharmacy to get medication, got back
to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the
ground.
She looked at it and said "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her HELP.
Within 5 minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up.
A bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag.
The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick.
I’ve locked my keys in my car.
I must get home.
Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said "Sure."
He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the
car was open.
She hugged the man and through tears said
"Thank You SO Much!
You are a very nice man."
The man replied "Lady, I am NOT a nice man.
I just got out of PRISON yesterday, I was in prison for
car theft."
The woman hugged the man again sobbing,
"Oh, thank you God!
You even sent me a Professional!"
She stopped by the pharmacy to get medication, got back
to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the
ground.
She looked at it and said "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her HELP.
Within 5 minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up.
A bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag.
The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick.
I’ve locked my keys in my car.
I must get home.
Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said "Sure."
He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the
car was open.
She hugged the man and through tears said
"Thank You SO Much!
You are a very nice man."
The man replied "Lady, I am NOT a nice man.
I just got out of PRISON yesterday, I was in prison for
car theft."
The woman hugged the man again sobbing,
"Oh, thank you God!
You even sent me a Professional!"
••
Why are elephants gray?
So you don't confuse them with grapes.
So you don't confuse them with grapes.
••••
