••
♥
Q: How are men like lava lamps?
A: They're fun to look at, but not that bright.
A: They're fun to look at, but not that bright.
••
Whenever my friend Dave starts stuttering, I always try
and lighten the mood.
By pretending to scratch invisible turntables.
and lighten the mood.
By pretending to scratch invisible turntables.
••
Old man Gary prays to god -
"How can I escape that dreadful wrath of these old age
wrinkles?"
A voice booms from the heavens: "Take off your glasses".
"How can I escape that dreadful wrath of these old age
wrinkles?"
A voice booms from the heavens: "Take off your glasses".
••
Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do
something useful with my time.
Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to
be her favourite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down
to the senior centre and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night I decided to
teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.
I told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She said, "Are you nuts? You 're almost 72 years old and
you're going to start jumping out of air-planes?"
I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses!
This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a
Parachute Club."
"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do...
I signed up for five jumps a week." I told her.
She fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier.........
but sometimes it can be fun......
something useful with my time.
Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to
be her favourite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down
to the senior centre and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night I decided to
teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.
I told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She said, "Are you nuts? You 're almost 72 years old and
you're going to start jumping out of air-planes?"
I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses!
This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a
Parachute Club."
"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do...
I signed up for five jumps a week." I told her.
She fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier.........
but sometimes it can be fun......
••
Programming is like sex.
One mistake and you have to support it for the rest
of your life!
One mistake and you have to support it for the rest
of your life!
••
A father asked his ten-year-old son if he knew about the
birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.
"Promise me you won't tell me!"
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'there's no
Santa' speech.
At seven, I got the 'there's no Easter Bunny' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'there's no Tooth
Fairy' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grownups don't really get
laid, I'll have nothing left to live for!"
birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.
"Promise me you won't tell me!"
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'there's no
Santa' speech.
At seven, I got the 'there's no Easter Bunny' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'there's no Tooth
Fairy' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grownups don't really get
laid, I'll have nothing left to live for!"
••
Two cows in a field, one says moooo...
The other one says baaah.
The one says to the other what are you doing ?
The other one says learning a foreign language !
The other one says baaah.
The one says to the other what are you doing ?
The other one says learning a foreign language !
••
I'm watching some television tonight.
I'm watching The Discovery Channel. You know, this
channel, you never ever plan on watching this.
It just happens. You're flickin around, all of a sudden --
boom -- you're watching a mole for an hour-and-a-half.
I'm watching The Discovery Channel. You know, this
channel, you never ever plan on watching this.
It just happens. You're flickin around, all of a sudden --
boom -- you're watching a mole for an hour-and-a-half.
••••
