••

 

••

♥

 

Q: How are men like lava lamps?
A: They're fun to look at, but not that bright.

 

••

Whenever my friend Dave starts stuttering, I always try
and lighten the mood.
By pretending to scratch invisible turntables.

 

••

Old man Gary prays to god -
"How can I escape that dreadful wrath of these old age
wrinkles?"
A voice booms from the heavens: "Take off your glasses".

 

••

Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do
 something useful with my time.
Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to
be her favourite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down
to the senior centre and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night I decided to
teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.
I told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She said, "Are you nuts? You 're almost 72 years old and
you're going to start jumping out of air-planes?"
I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses!
This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a
Parachute Club."
"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do...
I signed up for five jumps a week." I told her.
She fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier.........
but sometimes it can be fun......

 

••

Programming is like sex.
 One mistake and you have to support it for the rest
of your life!

 

••

A father asked his ten-year-old son if he knew about the
birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.
"Promise me you won't tell me!"
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'there's no
Santa' speech.
At seven, I got the 'there's no Easter Bunny' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'there's no Tooth
Fairy' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grownups don't really get
laid, I'll have nothing left to live for!"

 

••

Two cows in a field, one says moooo...
The other one says baaah.
The one says to the other what are you doing ?
The other one says learning a foreign language !

 

••

I'm watching some television tonight.
I'm watching The Discovery Channel. You know, this
channel, you never ever plan on watching this.
It just happens. You're flickin around, all of a sudden --
boom -- you're watching a mole for an hour-and-a-half.

••••

••

 

••

♥

 

They say..... `Why don't you make jokes about Obama?'
And I say, `All right, I'll tell you why.
I don't make jokes about him because I don't want the
FBI tapping my phone,"' he said.

 

••

Why blondes don't eat banana?
because they can't find the zipper!!!..........

 

••

Husband was throwing knives at his wifes picture.
All were missing the target!
Suddenly he received call from her "Hi, what are you
doing?"
His honest reply, "MISSING YOU."

 

••

On their honeymoon,
the blond bride slipped into a sexy nightie and,
with great anticipation, crawled into bed,
only to find her new catholic husband had settled down
on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to
make love to her, he replied, It's Lent.
In tears, she sobbed, Well, that is the most ridiculous
thing I've ever heard!
Who did you lend it to, and for how long?

 

••

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why.
But when a ten-year married man looks happy,
we wonder why.

 

••

"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me -
I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"

 

••

Four guys had been going on an annual fishing trip for
years.
This year one of their wives threw her husband a copy of
50 Shades Of Gray.
"Read this" she said.
"I fancy some kinky sex with you instead of your fishing
trip"
So he read the book.
"Now I'm going to tear all your clothes off!" he said.
And he did.
"Now I'm going to tie you up!" he said.
"Yes!" cried the wife
"and he tied her up
"Now I'm going to chain you to the bed!" he said.
"Yes! Yes!" She cried.
"And then what are you going to do?" she asked
expectantly. 
"And now I'm going fishing..." 

 

•• 

Today I saw my wife crying and praying for her mother's
recovery.
I went over and said, "Stop praying..... It doesn't work."
"How do you know?" she sobbed.
"If it worked," I said, "She would have been dead a long
time ago."

 

••
The other day, my Grandpa was telling me that he always 
uses valet parking.
When I asked why, he replied that valets at least
remember where they park your car.

 

••

A doctor enters into a patient's room and informs the
patient that he has good news and bad news.
He then asks the patient which news he would like to hear.
The patient responds, "Doctor, give me the good news."
The doctor says, "Well we are gonna name a disease after
you."

 

••••

 

 

# 2061

••

 

••

♥

 

I've designed a plane made entirely from rubber,
so that when it crashes, it bounces.
It's a Boing 747.

 

••

Doc....
My body is turning really good beer and wine into
urine doc.................what's wrong with me ??????

 

••

Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker,
my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman."

 

••

My fruit and vegetable business has gone into liquidation.
We now sell smoothies.

 

••

Three drunks hailed a taxi.
The taxi driver seeing that they were so wasted when they
got in, he just switched on the engine and switched it off,
and said we are here.
The 1st guy gave him money, 2nd guy said thanks, but
the 3rd guy slapped him.
The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that
none of them would have realized the car didn't move an
inch.
So what was that for, he asked.
Control your speed next time, you almost killed us.
 

••
How can you tell if an elephant has had safe sex in your
yard?
Your trash can liner is missing.

 

••

A drunk walks into a bar, orders a glass of whisky, takes
several gulps and... dies a sudden death.
In Heaven he begs of God, "Please, bring me back to the
bar for a moment.
I just want to finish drinking.
There is still half a glass of whisky left.
You can even turn me into a fly or a spider, only let me
drink it up."
So God agrees, turns the drunk into a spider and take
him back to the bar.
The drunk finds himself on the bar ceiling, just right
over the unfinished glass of whiskey.
"How can I reach for it from here?", the drunk asks God.
"You are a spider, aren't you? So you can produce a web. Exert yourself and it'll come out of you, so you can go down to your glass."
The drunk exerts himself and a web really begins to
come out of him.
He exerts himself again and again, going down to the
glass.
All of a sudden the web stops.
"What should I do now? I'm doing my best, but there is
no more web!"
"Exert yourself as hard as you can!", God advises.
The drunk makes one more effort with his last bit of
strength and... Suddenly he feels someone tap on his
shoulder... and hears his wife's voice,
"John, wake up! You've SHIT your pants!!!!!"

 

••

Q: What do a blonde and a car have in common?
A: They can both drive you crazy.

••••

••

 

••

♥

 

A woman, about to undergo an IRS audit, asked  her
accountant for advice on what to wear.
"Wear your shabbiest clothing.
Let them think you are a pauper".
Then she asked her legal counsel the same question,
but got the opposite advice.
"Do not let them intimidate you.
Wear your finest attire".
Utterly confused at this point, she went to her rabbi,
told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some
resolution of her dilemma.
"Let me tell you a story" replied the rabbi.
"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what
to wear on her wedding night.
'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up
to your neck.'
But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting
advice.
'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down
to your navel'".
the woman protested "Rabbi, what does all this have to
do with my problem with the IRS?"
"Don't you see?
It doesn't matter what you wear my dear! Either way,
the results will be the same"...

 

••

A young bride and groom to be had just selected their
wedding rings.
As the young lady admired the plain platinum and
diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly
looked concerned.
"Tell me" she asked the rather elderly salesman "is there
anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"
With a fatherly smile, the salesman said "One of the best
ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater
three times a day.

 

••

When I was growing up, my mom told me .....
I could be anybody I wanted to be.
Turns out now a days they call that identity theft...

 

••

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde are in a psychology
class.
The professor asks the brunette, "What is the opposite of
joy?"
The brunette answers, "Sorrow."
Then he asks the redhead, "What is the opposite of
depression?"
The redhead answers, "Happiness."
 Then he asks the blonde, "What is the opposite of woe?"
Blondie says, "Giddyup!"

 

••

Distributed by the Chamber of
Commerce in Salem Mass.: "Salem, the Witch City.
Stop by for a spell."

 

••

A recent government study has shown that most people
believe too much money and time are wasted on pointless
government studies.
Your tax money hard at work.

 

••

Wife and I had words but I didn't get to use any.......

 

••

A local church built a new sanctuary.
They moved their very fine old pipe organ from to the
new sanctuary.
It was an intricate task that was completed successfully.
The local news heralded . . . "St. Paul Completes Organ
Transplant."

 

••

I think I'm emotionally constipated.....
Cuz I haven't given a shit in days.
••••

••

 

••

♥

 

A gang of elks.
A cast or kettle of hawks.
A mob of emus.
A brood of hens.
A business or fesnyng of ferrets.
A drift or parcel of hogs.
A charm of finches.
A smack of jellyfish.

 

••

My wife asked me to see things from a woman's point
of view...
So I looked out of the kitchen window.
You have no idea how much trouble I'm in......

 

••

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park
themselves on two bar stools.
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're
just joined at the hip.
I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson drafts, please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make
polite conversation while pouring the beers.
"Been on holiday yet, lads?"
"Off to England next month," says John.
"We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for
miles...... Don't we, Jim?" Jim nods.
"Ah, England!" says the bartender.
"Wonderful country ... the history, the beer, the culture ..."
"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John.
"Hamburgers and Molson's, that's us, eh Jim?
Besides, we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant
and rude."
"So why keep going back to England ?" asks the bartender.
"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.

 

••

I found a stray parrot on my patio this morning.
All he says is, "Good morning, you old fart.
You suck at golf."
Is it yours?

 

••

I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper!"
"Don't be silly," she said "You can borrow my iPad."
That spider never knew what hit it..

 

••

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed
man accidentally swallowed his glass eye.
He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects,
so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed
instructions, undressed, and bent over.
The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up
the man's a*s was that eye staring right back at him.
"You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to
trust me."

 

••

Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the Arkansas
State University library?
 A: Thirty students were stuck on the escalator for three
hours.

 

••

A man returns home a day early from a business trip.
It's after midnight.
While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a
witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he
wants to catch her in the act.
The cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoe into
the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket
back and there is his wife in bed with another man!!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, "Don't do it!!
I lied when I told you I inherited the money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season football tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership,
HE even pays the monthly bills!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers
the gun.
He looks over at the cabby and says, "What would you do?"
The cabby replies,
"I'd cover his arse with that blanket before he catches a
cold."

 

••

I like pigs.
Dogs look up to us.
Cats look down on us.
Pigs treat us as equals.

••••

#2058

••

 

••

♥

 

Got pulled over by the police last night.
They ordered me to get out of the car.
"You're staggering" said the officer.
I replied, "You're not a bad looking yourself, officer."
Was not a smart thing to say.......
Please send bail money.

 

••
A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her
husband always came home late, no matter how she tried
to stop him.
"Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did.
Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the
morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?"
And that cured him.
"Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?"
The neighbour said, " You see, his name is Bill ."

 

••

What should you do if a pretty girl sits down on your
hand?
Try to get her off!

 

••

I knew I wouldn't find happiness at the bottom of an
empty bottle.
Nobody would.
It means you're out of booze.

 

••

Is a blind man from Venice, a Venetian Blind?

 

••

I ordered a leather sofa off the Ikea website last week.
They sent me a dead cow and some instructions on how
to skin it....

 

••

My girlfriend said, "I've made a list of the things I want
for Christmas."
"Ok, lets hear it."
"I want a new kitchen, a new bathroom suite, and some
shopping vouchers."
"In that case, all I want this year is a ski mask and the
floor plan of the local bank." 

 

•• 

Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a
warning sign that read: “Danger! Beware of dog!” posted
on the door.
Inside, he noticed a harmless little dog asleep on the
floor beside the cash register.
“Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”
he asked the owner.
“Yep, that’s him,” came the reply.
The stranger couldn’t help but be amused.
“That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me.
Why in the world would you post that sign?”
“Because,” the owner explained, “Before I posted that
sign, people kept tripping over him.”

 

••

Distributed by the Chamber of
Commerce in Salem Mass.: "Salem, the Witch City.
Stop by for a spell."

 

••

We hope that, when the insects take over the world,
they will remember with gratitude how we took them
along on all our picnics.

 

••