••
♥
A gang of elks.
A cast or kettle of hawks.
A mob of emus.
A brood of hens.
A business or fesnyng of ferrets.
A drift or parcel of hogs.
A charm of finches.
A smack of jellyfish.
A cast or kettle of hawks.
A mob of emus.
A brood of hens.
A business or fesnyng of ferrets.
A drift or parcel of hogs.
A charm of finches.
A smack of jellyfish.
••
My wife asked me to see things from a woman's point
of view...
So I looked out of the kitchen window.
You have no idea how much trouble I'm in......
of view...
So I looked out of the kitchen window.
You have no idea how much trouble I'm in......
••
Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park
themselves on two bar stools.
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're
just joined at the hip.
I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson drafts, please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make
polite conversation while pouring the beers.
"Been on holiday yet, lads?"
"Off to England next month," says John.
"We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for
miles...... Don't we, Jim?" Jim nods.
"Ah, England!" says the bartender.
"Wonderful country ... the history, the beer, the culture ..."
"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John.
"Hamburgers and Molson's, that's us, eh Jim?
Besides, we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant
and rude."
"So why keep going back to England ?" asks the bartender.
"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.
themselves on two bar stools.
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're
just joined at the hip.
I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson drafts, please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make
polite conversation while pouring the beers.
"Been on holiday yet, lads?"
"Off to England next month," says John.
"We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for
miles...... Don't we, Jim?" Jim nods.
"Ah, England!" says the bartender.
"Wonderful country ... the history, the beer, the culture ..."
"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John.
"Hamburgers and Molson's, that's us, eh Jim?
Besides, we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant
and rude."
"So why keep going back to England ?" asks the bartender.
"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.
••
I found a stray parrot on my patio this morning.
All he says is, "Good morning, you old fart.
You suck at golf."
Is it yours?
All he says is, "Good morning, you old fart.
You suck at golf."
Is it yours?
••
I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper!"
"Don't be silly," she said "You can borrow my iPad."
That spider never knew what hit it..
"Don't be silly," she said "You can borrow my iPad."
That spider never knew what hit it..
••
A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed
man accidentally swallowed his glass eye.
He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects,
so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed
instructions, undressed, and bent over.
The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up
the man's a*s was that eye staring right back at him.
"You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to
trust me."
man accidentally swallowed his glass eye.
He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects,
so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed
instructions, undressed, and bent over.
The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up
the man's a*s was that eye staring right back at him.
"You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to
trust me."
••
Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the Arkansas
State University library?
A: Thirty students were stuck on the escalator for three
hours.
State University library?
A: Thirty students were stuck on the escalator for three
hours.
••
A man returns home a day early from a business trip.
It's after midnight.
While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a
witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he
wants to catch her in the act.
The cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoe into
the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket
back and there is his wife in bed with another man!!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, "Don't do it!!
I lied when I told you I inherited the money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season football tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership,
HE even pays the monthly bills!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers
the gun.
He looks over at the cabby and says, "What would you do?"
The cabby replies,
"I'd cover his arse with that blanket before he catches a
cold."
It's after midnight.
While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a
witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he
wants to catch her in the act.
The cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoe into
the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket
back and there is his wife in bed with another man!!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, "Don't do it!!
I lied when I told you I inherited the money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season football tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership,
HE even pays the monthly bills!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers
the gun.
He looks over at the cabby and says, "What would you do?"
The cabby replies,
"I'd cover his arse with that blanket before he catches a
cold."
••
I like pigs.
Dogs look up to us.
Cats look down on us.
Pigs treat us as equals.
Dogs look up to us.
Cats look down on us.
Pigs treat us as equals.
••••
