••

 

••

♥

"I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Mr. Jones,
but apparently your child was born with no arms, only one leg,
and teeth that project six inches out of its mouth."
Mr. Jones cries, "My God! What will we do with such a
deformed baby?"
The doctor says "Use it as a rake?"

 

••'

A friend of mine recently admitted to being addicted
to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time...

 

••

An Blond woman rushed out into the afternoon on her way to
meet her best friend at a coffee house.
 Over Cappuccino and Viennese pastries, she suddenly burst
out crying.
 Her friend begged her to share what was wrong.
 "Oh, it's just terrible," she wailed.
"Today the doctor told me I'm in love with my father, and. .
and. . and you know, he's a married man!"

 

••

Life insurance premiums are based on how far you live from
Chuck Norris....

 

••

"I got a dog and named him 'Stay'.
Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane
and wouldn't move at all."

 

••
The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic
collective nouns for the various groups of animals.
We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens,
a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.
However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of
crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens),
an Exaltation of doves and, presumably, because they look so
wise, a Parliament of owls.
Now consider a gathering of Baboons.
They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious,
most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.
And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?
Believe it or not....... a Congress!

 

••

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that...
I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair on
her legs."

 

••

A young man was a slow worker and found it difficult to hold
down a job.
After a visit to the employment office, he was offered work at
the local zoo.
When he arrived for his first day, the keeper, aware of his
reputation, told him to take care of the tortoise section.
Later, the keeper dropped by to see how the young man was
doing and found him standing by an empty enclosure with
the gate open.
"Where are the tortoises?" he asked.
"I can't believe it," said the new employee, "I just opened the
door and whooooosh, they were gone!"
••••

••

It's cold in here....

 

••

♥

Marvin was sitting in a coffeeship in Columbus when a man
he recognized walked in, so he said, "Hey, Larry! Boy,
look at you.
When I knew you, you had a headful of hair, and now you're
bald and you shaved off your mustache and you're wearing
glasses."
The guy replies, "I'm Gary Kirby" and Marvin says, "An you
changed your name, too!"

 

••

I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She has a face like a saint--
A saint bernard!"

 

••

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once
all the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins.
One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement.
"Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the
scene, what happened?"
"Well, it's like this.
Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and I saw him
take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."
"He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said in
stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?"
"About 20 years, sir"
"20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in
the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last
thing he'd have done."
"It was, sir."

 

••

When She Says, "Do I Look Fat In This?"
Never Say "Not to Stevie Wonder."
I still have a large lump and terrible headache....

 

••

Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
So her male would get delivered to the right box.

 

••

A passion for politics stems usually from an insatiable need,
either for power, or for friendship and adulation,
or a combination of both.....

 

••

The 2 most common elements
in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

 

••

An avid golfer was late coming home from his weekly game.
As he dragged himself wearily through the door, his worried
wife met him.
"Honey," she said, "How was your game? Why are you so late?"
"Well," he replied, "this had to be the worst, hardest game of
my life.
Jack died out there on the golf course.
Just had a heart attack at the second hole and then died."
"Oh, no!" she cried.
"How awful for you! He was your best friend!
No wonder you are late....."
"Yes, the ordeal really wore me out.," he said, "the whole rest
of the game it was hit the ball, drag Jack, hit the ball,
drag Jack..

 

••

I saw six men kicking and punching my mother-in-law.
My neighbour said "Are you going to help?"
I said "No, Six should be enough"

••••

••

 

••

♥

A man dies, and he’s looking in the gates of hell.
 There he sees John Kennedy with an incredibly ugly girl.
The man turns to the Devil and asks why John Kennedy is
with this hideous looking person.
The Devil replies, “Well, John has done some bad things in
his life and that’s his punishment.”
The man looks around a little more and sees Bill Clinton with
a beautiful model.
The stunned guy asks “What’s Bill Clinton doing with that
model?”
The devil replied, “Well, that model did some pretty bad things
in her life.”

 

••

A senior Senator called and had a question about the
documents he needed in order to fly to China.
 After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him
that he needed a visa.
“Oh, no I don’t.
I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one
of those.”
 I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa.
When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four
times and every time they have accepted my American Express!”
 

••
A mechanic called one of his customers, a bank officer after a
check bounced.
“The check you sent me to pay your bill has bounced!”
He yelled!
The officer replied,”well, so did all my car problems that you
fixed!”

 

••

Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a
warning sign that read: “Danger! Beware of dog!” posted on
the door.Inside, he noticed a harmless little dog asleep on the
floor beside the cash register.
“Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?” he asked
the owner.
“Yep, that’s him,” came the reply.
The stranger couldn’t help but be amused.
“That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me.
Why in the world would you post that sign?”
“Because,” the owner explained, “Before I posted that sign,
people kept tripping over him.”

 

••

There is nothing more expensive than a female tear…..
When a single drop comes out,it first mixes with “loreal”
eyeliner and “Dior” mascara
then when it comes down to cheek….it mixes with D&G blusher
and in case it touches the lips,,
it gets mixed with “Maybelline” lipstick
this means that a single drop is worth atleast $50

 

•• 

A famous inspirational speaker said:
“Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman,
who wasn’t my wife.”
Audience was in shock and silence.
He added: “She was my mother”
(A big round of plause & laughter)
A very daring husband tried to crack this at home.
After dinner, he said loudly to his wife in the kitchen:
“Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman,
who wasn’t my wife”
Standing for a moment, trying to recall the second line of
that speaker.
By the time he gained his senses, he was on a hospital bed,
recovering from burns of boiling water!
Moral: Don’t Copy, if you can’t Paste....

 

••

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the
pants.

 

••

* The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and
pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times
a week.
* Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the
right foot.
* While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated
and sent home.
* The skin was moist and dry.
 * The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

 

••••

 

 

••

 

••

♥

 

More Hilarious Al Gore Quotes And Blunders...
"I am not part of the problem...... I am a Democrat."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going
to the polls." -- Vice President Al Gore
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of
not having it." -- Vice President Al Gore, 5/20/996
"The American people would not want to know of any
misquotes that Al Gore may or may not make."
-- Vice President Al Gore

 

••

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

 

••

My favorite Catholic holiday is Easter.
For those of you that dont know, Easter is the day we celebrate
Jesus rising from the grave and coming back to Earth as a
rabbit that hides colored eggs.

 

••

A missionary, in Africa, was out taking a walk in the jungle.
Suddenly, he heard a noise from the brush in front of him.
It was a lion.
He started to back up and heard a noise from behind.
Sure enough, it was another lion.
He looked to his left and then to his right.
You guessed it, lions were on both sides.
It looked grim, so the missionary sat down where he was
and started to read his Bible.
Shortly after he started reading, the lions jumped the
missionary and ate him.
 Moral of the story: Never read between the lions.

 

••

I walked up to a girl in a bar the other night and said
"Hey baby, did you know I wear size 14 shoes?..."
She looks at me in disgust, clearly unimpressed and says
"Let me guess, do I know what they say about guys with big feet?"
"No. I'm just telling you there is no point in running."

 

••

A passenger piled his cases on the scale at an airline counter
in New York and said to the clerk:
"I'm flying to Los Angeles.
I want the square case to go to Denver and the two round ones
to go to Seattle."
"I'm sorry, sir," the clerk replied: "but we can't do that."
"Why not?" the man asked: "You did it last time!"

 

••

A little old man was escorted into the witness box.
He was sworn in and asked by the lawyer to explain what
happened.
After a lengthy discussion of the events leading up to the
incident he finally got around to the meat of the case:
‘And then she hit me with a maple leaf.’
‘A maple leaf? Surely that couldn’t have caused you any
serious injury,’ said the lawyer.
‘Are you kidding?’ exclaimed the old man.
‘It was the leaf from the centre of our dining room table.’

 

••

Prayer Upon Waking.......
Dear God, so far today, I've done all right.
I haven't gossiped, and I haven't lost my temper.
I haven't been grumpy, nasty or selfish, and I'm really glad
of that!
But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed, and
from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot of help.
Thank you!.... Amen

 

••

Before baseball parks had lights, it often got so dark the
players couldn’t see what they were doing.
Once, on an Easter Sunday evening, a ball was hit to an
outfielder.
The player lost it in the darkness.
Fortunately, the Easter bunny, running by at the time,
grabbed the ball and threw it to first base for the out.
That was the first time a baseball player was thrown out by
a hare.

••••

 

 

••

 

••

♥

I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said "May I have large bills, please"
She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the
same size."
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her....

 

••

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard
my wife's voice from the kitchen.
 "What would you like for dinner, Sweetheart?
Chicken, beef or lamb?"
 I said: "I'll have chicken, thank you."
She replied: "You're having soup a-hole.......
I was talking to the dog."

 

••

 The single most exciting thing you encounter in government
is competence, because it's so rare.

 

••

Harry is so lazy, if you shot him he’d probably ask someone
to help him to the floor.
Harry was so lazy, if he dropped something he wouldn’t pick
it up again till his shoelaces needed tying.
Harry was so lazy he had his window box concreted over.
Harry works almost every day.
He almost works on Monday, he almost works on Tuesday,
he almost works on Wednesday.

 

••

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded
gun and won.

 

••

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Weirdo!
Weirdo who?
Weirdo you think you're going!

 

••

You might be kinky if a friend asks to borrow some rope
and you go to your bedroom to get it, instead of your garage.

 

••

Bureaucracy: a method for transforming energy into solid
waste....

 

••

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown
grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartments.
I am in 301.
There is a big panel at the front door.
With your elbow, push button 301.
I will buzz you in.
Come inside and the elevator is on the right.
Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor.
When you get out, I'm on the left.
With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these
buttons with my elbow? .........
"What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"

••••

 

 

••

 

••

♥

One Saturday morning in Willy's Auction House the bidding
was proceeding furiously and strongly when the Chief
Auctioneer suddenly announced, 'A gentleman in this room
has lost a wallet containing ten thousand dollars.
If returned, he will pay a reward of two thousand dollars.
 There was a moment's silence in the auction house and from
the back of the room came a cry, 'Two thousand five hundred.

 

••

Don't die a virgin!
Seriously, there are terrorists waiting for you up there.

 

••

My wife was in a panic earlier:
"I've lost my sex tape!" she screamed.
"It'll end up on You tube, I bet."
"Oh my god, I'll end up getting slaughtered if anyone sees me,"
I said, panicking.
"You're not in it, you idiot," she replied.

 

••

The income tax has made more liars out of the American
people than golf has. ~Will Rogers

 

 

••

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of a library and said,
"I have a complaint!"
"Yes, ma'am?"
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
"What was wrong with it?"
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot
whatsoever!"
The librarian nodded and said, "Ah.
So you must be the person who took our phone book."

 

••

There are two things a man cannot hide:
The fact that he is drunk, and the fact that he is in love.

I was watching the Ellen Degeneres Show with the wife last
night.
"I heard she's gay," I muttered.
"That's prejudice," laughed the wife.
"You shouldn't hide your sexual preferences and no one should
judge you for it."
"Funny you say that," I said, whistling to the dog, "Sparky &
I have something to tell you."

 

••

Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze
in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running
down his leg.
"Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"

 

••

In a frustrated state, I bellowed To the wife, "You're so
unresponsive that I would not be surprised if you used cold
cream between your legs."
"And you," she bluntly replied,
"Must use vanishing cream between yours."

 

••

After ordering a drink, a man had to leave his seat in the
restaurant to make a telephone call.
Since he didn't want anyone to take his drink, he took a paper
napkin, wrote on it, "The World's Strongest Weightlifter,"
and left it under his glass.
When he returned from making his call, the glass was empty.
Under it was a new napkin with new writing that said:
"Thanks for the treat!"
"The World's Fastest Runner"

 

••••