••
♥
One Saturday morning in Willy's Auction House the bidding
was proceeding furiously and strongly when the Chief
Auctioneer suddenly announced, 'A gentleman in this room
has lost a wallet containing ten thousand dollars.
If returned, he will pay a reward of two thousand dollars.
There was a moment's silence in the auction house and from
the back of the room came a cry, 'Two thousand five hundred.
was proceeding furiously and strongly when the Chief
Auctioneer suddenly announced, 'A gentleman in this room
has lost a wallet containing ten thousand dollars.
If returned, he will pay a reward of two thousand dollars.
There was a moment's silence in the auction house and from
the back of the room came a cry, 'Two thousand five hundred.
••
Don't die a virgin!
Seriously, there are terrorists waiting for you up there.
Seriously, there are terrorists waiting for you up there.
••
My wife was in a panic earlier:
"I've lost my sex tape!" she screamed.
"It'll end up on You tube, I bet."
"Oh my god, I'll end up getting slaughtered if anyone sees me,"
I said, panicking.
"You're not in it, you idiot," she replied.
"I've lost my sex tape!" she screamed.
"It'll end up on You tube, I bet."
"Oh my god, I'll end up getting slaughtered if anyone sees me,"
I said, panicking.
"You're not in it, you idiot," she replied.
••
The income tax has made more liars out of the American
people than golf has. ~Will Rogers
people than golf has. ~Will Rogers
••
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of a library and said,
"I have a complaint!"
"Yes, ma'am?"
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
"What was wrong with it?"
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot
whatsoever!"
The librarian nodded and said, "Ah.
So you must be the person who took our phone book."
"I have a complaint!"
"Yes, ma'am?"
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
"What was wrong with it?"
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot
whatsoever!"
The librarian nodded and said, "Ah.
So you must be the person who took our phone book."
••
There are two things a man cannot hide:
The fact that he is drunk, and the fact that he is in love.
The fact that he is drunk, and the fact that he is in love.
I was watching the Ellen Degeneres Show with the wife last
night.
"I heard she's gay," I muttered.
"That's prejudice," laughed the wife.
"You shouldn't hide your sexual preferences and no one should
judge you for it."
"Funny you say that," I said, whistling to the dog, "Sparky &
I have something to tell you."
night.
"I heard she's gay," I muttered.
"That's prejudice," laughed the wife.
"You shouldn't hide your sexual preferences and no one should
judge you for it."
"Funny you say that," I said, whistling to the dog, "Sparky &
I have something to tell you."
••
Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze
in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running
down his leg.
"Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"
in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running
down his leg.
"Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"
••
In a frustrated state, I bellowed To the wife, "You're so
unresponsive that I would not be surprised if you used cold
cream between your legs."
"And you," she bluntly replied,
"Must use vanishing cream between yours."
unresponsive that I would not be surprised if you used cold
cream between your legs."
"And you," she bluntly replied,
"Must use vanishing cream between yours."
••
After ordering a drink, a man had to leave his seat in the
restaurant to make a telephone call.
Since he didn't want anyone to take his drink, he took a paper
napkin, wrote on it, "The World's Strongest Weightlifter,"
and left it under his glass.
When he returned from making his call, the glass was empty.
Under it was a new napkin with new writing that said:
"Thanks for the treat!"
"The World's Fastest Runner"
restaurant to make a telephone call.
Since he didn't want anyone to take his drink, he took a paper
napkin, wrote on it, "The World's Strongest Weightlifter,"
and left it under his glass.
When he returned from making his call, the glass was empty.
Under it was a new napkin with new writing that said:
"Thanks for the treat!"
"The World's Fastest Runner"
••••
