#1941

••

What! you couldn't break it too?

Let me out.. That squirrel stole my cookie....

 

••

♥

Theres only two kinds of people in the world that own scales:
people who think they're fat and drug dealers.

 

••

Married couples, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th
anniversary.
During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and
grant them each one a wish.
The wife wanted to travel around the world.
The fairy waved her wand and poof -- the wife had tickets in
her hand for a world cruise.
Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted.
He said, "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me."
So the fairy picked up her wand and poof --
the husband was 90.

 

••

Blessed are those who go around in circles,
for they shall be known as wheels.

 

••

What Is One Billion?
According to a recent government publication ...
A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
A billion dollars ago was late yesterday at the U.S. Treasury

 

••

Good judgment comes from bad experience,
and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

 

••

 The wealthy old man looked around the table at his sons and
daughters and their spouses gathered for a family reunion. 
"Not a single grandchild." he said with a sigh.
  Why, I'll give a million dollars to the first kid who presents
me with a little one to bounce on my knee. 
Now, let's say grace."
When the old man lifted his eyes again, his wife was the only
other person at the table.

 

••

Doctor, Doctor I'm becoming invisible.
Yes I can see you're not all there!

 

••

A guy sees a buddy and notices that his friend's car is a total
wreck.
It is covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood.
He asks his friend, "So what the heck happened to your car?"
"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer".
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... but what about
the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, I had to chase him all through the park..."

 

••

“My wife's dad spends a lot of time in the bathroom.
He is my Father in Loo.”

 

••

Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills . . .
Making the last car payment.

••
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on
mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked,
"How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth
screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a
chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered,
"A basketball coach?"

 

••

Doctor, doctor my baby's swallowed a bullet
Well don't point him at anyone until I get there!

 

••••

Now here is a handsome fellow....

 

••

♥

 

What do a new car, a new microwave, a new pack of underwear
all have in Commen?
They will never be this clean again!

 

••

Things you won't hear at the Daytona 500.....
-- None for me, thanks.
That Skoal will do a number on your teeth.
-- Hey, shut up! I can't hear the race!
-- Sex with your sister? Man, that's sick.
-- My God, this is a splendid Merlot.
-- Hey, you with the large breasts, out of the way.
We're trying to watch a race here.
 -- Jeeves, be a good man and retrieve the Wall Street Journal
from my attach case.
Then fetch me some clotted cream for my scone.
 -- What a coincidence, Hank, all my friends are boycotting
Hooters, too.
-- These are even better seats than we had for the Lionel Richie
concert.
-- Good morning, Mr. Trickle.
We at 'Depends' understand you're looking for a new corporate
sponsor.
 -- Filling in for Dale 'The Intimidator' Earnhardt today is
substitute driver, Michael 'Lord of the Dance' Flatley.
 -- And now, singing our national anthem, international
recording artist Boy George.

 

••

Little Monster: "I hate my teacher."
Mother Monster: "Well, then just eat your salad, dear!

 

••"

A woman invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear mommy say," the woman answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?".

 

••

Last summer I was on holiday with my wife in Las Vegas.
On our last night we were having cocktails in the hotel bar
when I realized that a rather dapper businessman kept looking
over and staring at my wife.
At first I didn't think anything of it, but when she excused
herself to go to the toilet, he stood up and walked over to me.
"Excuse me for being so rude, but I couldn't help but look at
your wife", he said, exuding confidence.
"Tell me, are you aware of the film, Indecent Proposal?"
"Well y-y-yes", I stuttered, trying to mask the excitement in
my voice, "Why, are you about to make some kind of offer for
one night with my wife?"
 "No way!" He laughed.
"I just wanted to tell you that she looks exactly like
Robert Redford."

 

••

The government wants teachers to report any activities
pupils do that may be construed as terrorism.
 Does that apply to Muslim schools to?

 

••

A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:
"if you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you!”
 The husband's reply,
"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

 

••

Why the Easter bunny brings Easter eggs....
10. Big tax write-off.
9. Who ever heard of Easter Bricks?
8. Consider all of the varieties: scrambled, over easy,
hard boiled.
7. He gets a good deal from the local chickens.
6. Secret plan to eliminate human race by cholesterol overdose.
5. Pressure from the Egg Marketing Board.
4. Because if it brought bottle rockets it would be the
Independence Bunny.
3. Would you want to hunt for waffles?
2. He thinks guys should get chicks at least once a year.
1. Because the Energizer rabbit got the good job.

 

 

••

 

••

♥

 

Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed
to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate.
He tried in vain to attract attention, but every time he yelled
'The Milky Bars are on me!' people just cheered.

 

••

 

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
--Milton Berle--

 

••

There’s a growing trend of older Americans who are
using marijuana in their retirement.
That makes sense because old people are always talking
about their joints.

 

••

Yo mama so hairy you almost died of rugburn at birth!
Yo mama so hairy she look like she got Buckwheat in a
headlock.
Yo mama so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture!
Yo mama so hairy she wears a Nike tag on her weave so now
everybody calls her Hair Jordan.

 

••

The comedian stopped at the fabric store on his
way to a comedy gig.
He was looking for new material.”

 

••

Did you hear about the moron who walked around the world?
He drowned.

 

••

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind
the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull
and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid,
who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and
my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus
driver gets angry and yells at the kid,
"What if your dad was gay and your mom was a
prostitute?!"
The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!

 

••

I'm so tired even the sheep I'm counting can't
 make it over the fence..

 

••

Serena and her friend Tina got on the bus.
Both around seventeen, Tina was a little too plump
for her age.
Their journey was long and tedious.
They saw a young, fat and dumb looking man sitting
awkwardly a few seats ahead and decided to make
fun of him.
They went near his seat and stood there holding the
bar for support.
The man, out of sheer courtesy, tried to get up to
offer his seat to Tina.
Tina says,“No, no sir, please be seated.
Does not look nice when an old man stands up for
a young girl to sit.”
The young man retorts, “True and well said, my child.
But you see it is not proper for an old man to sit
when a pregnant woman stands beside him.”

 

••

As you get older three things happen.
The first is your memory goes, and
I can't remember the other two...

 

•••• 

 

 

••

 

••

♥

Here's a phrase you never hear in Korea:
"Family dog."
You will hear "Twenty ways to wok your dog" though.

 

••

Time is God's way of keeping everything from happening at
once.

 

••

A Polar Bear goes into a bar and says, " Can I have a gin . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . tonic please?"
The barman serves him and says, "Why the large pause?"
Polar Bear says, "Don't know, I've always had them!"

 

••

How Did It Happen?"
The doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the
man's broken leg.
"Well, doc, 25 years ago..."
"Never mind the past!
Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
"Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working
on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's
beautiful daughter came into my room.
She asked me if there was anything I wanted.
I said, "No, everything is fine."
"Are you sure?" she asked.
"I'm sure," I said.
"Isn't there anything I can do for you???"
she wanted to know. "I reckon not," I replied.
"Excuse me," said the doctor,
"What the hell does this story have to do with your
broken leg?!?!?"
"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained,
"when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

 

••

A certain senator was sitting in his attorney's office.
His lawyer said, "Do you want the bad news first or the
terrible news?"
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked the Senator incredulously.
"I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

 

••

You might be a reneck if...
* Your most productive fishing lure is a Dupont
drifter and a dip net.
* City code enforcement officers use your property
as a proving ground for new recruits.
* You think Tang is in the fruit group.
* You can hit a bullseye from up to 50 yards away,
but still have trouble with your ABC's.
* You've ever wrestled your mama for the last can
of beer.
* You think your IQ is the number of coons you
shot out of season.

 

••

Bureaucracy: a method for transforming energy into solid
waste.

 

••

A man goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, I've
become a compulsive thief."
The doctor prescribes him a course of tablets and
says, "If you're not cured in a couple of weeks would
you get me a widescreen television?"

 

••

When Chuck Norris was born, the only person
who cried was the doctor.
Never slap Chuck Norris.

 

♦♦♦♦

 

 

••

 

••

♥

When monkeys get mad, they crap in their hand and they
throw it.
How cool is that?
Whos going to fight a guy with a lump of crap in his hand?

 

••

Gus's Observation On Utopia: If everyone believed in Peace,
they would immediately begin fighting over the best way to
achieve it.

 

••

Gus's Law Of Computer Support:
Troubleshooting a computer over the telephone is like having
sex through a hole in a board fence.
It can be done, but it is neither easy nor pleasant.

 

••

A Native American takes a trip to New York.
He gets lost and asks a traffic cop for directions.
The cop points him the way then says, ‘
And how are you enjoying our fine city?’
The Native American says, ‘It’s great.
And how are you enjoying our fine country?’

 

••

Legendary singer Dionne Warwick filed for bankruptcy,
claiming she has only $25,000 in assets but owes more than
$10 million in unpaid taxes.
She owes 400 times what she has.
She could end up serving three years........
as the White House budget director.

 

••

I was late coming into work again, and the boss was furious.
She called me into her office and said, "What's your excuse
this time?"
"I'm sorry, but I overslept," I said.
"For goodness sake, at least tell me something I've not heard
before!"
I replied, "You're looking lovely today."

 

•• 

Good Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Easter.
Bad Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Xmas.

Granny and her grandson was shopping at Walmart when
she saw he had a toy that he shouldn't have,
she yelled at him "Hey Degree" put that back,
another lady shopping said to her, Degree is that his real name?
she said yes, she sent her daughter to the university and this is
what she came home with.

 

••

Why is Easter an Alzheimer patient's favourite holiday?
They get to hide their own eggs.

 

•••• 

 

••

 

••

♥

A new paint store just opened up by my place, so I decided as
any red-blooded, sexually repressed young lad to pay it a visit.
When I went in I saw signs all over advertising the newest
color: "Natural Blonde".
There weren't any samples around, so I asked the clerk to
describe it to me.
He replied, "Natural Blonde? Wonderful new paint: not too
bright, but spreads easily!"

 

••

Chelsea Peretti: Getting Attacked
I always think, what would I do if someone tried to get me?
My first thought is just something dumb, like Id try to pick
my nose and just be gross.
In my mind a rapist is just some white hat frat boy who'd just
be like, Ugh nasty, forget it.
Learn some manners.

 

••

Q: Why do married men gain weight and bachelors don't?
A: The bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want,
then go to bed.
Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go
to the refrigerator.

 

••

The funniest court room story I ever heard occured
in C-Ville in 2008.
A German was in the dock for whatever crime he
had committed but didn't speak any English.
The judge asked if anyone in the room spoke German,
and a local fellow indicated he did and could act as
intepreter.
Judge: Can you ask him his name?
The local fellow: 'Vot iz yer name'?
He got a fine of 100 dollars for contempt of court.
But said he enjoyed himself so much he happily paid
it and would do it again.

 

••

"I caught my twelve year old son looking up women's
skirts today," I told the barman after my second
whiskey.
"That's pretty normal for a twelve year old, isn't it?"
he asked.
"Not on eBay it isn't." I said.

 

••

"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one
told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and
towels."

••
If your name is on the building, you’re rich.
If your name is on your desk, you’re middle-class.
If your name is on your shirt, you’re poor.

 

••

It was the second grade teacher's birthday.
So every child in the class was giving her a special
gift.
Anna's mother owned a flower shop, so Anna gave
the teacher some beautiful flowers.
Robert's parents owned a candy shop.
Robert gave the teacher a wonderful box of assorted
candies.
 Then it was little Johnny's turn.
Johnny's dad owned a liquor store!
So Johnny brought a big box for his teacher.
When little Johnny handed the box to his teacher,
she noticed that the bottom of the box was wet.
So she put her finger on it and tasted.
 "Is it wine?" the teacher asked.
"No, it's not wine!" Johnny replied.
She tasted it again.
"Hmmmmmm....... Is it some sort of liquor?"
"Nope, it's not liquor!" said Johnny.
She tasted it again and was puzzled.
"Well, Johnny, I give up...... What is it?"
Johnny was excited, "It's a puppy!" he said.

 

••

I couldn't help but giggle when my son got an
erection at nappy changing time.
"It's not funny, Dad.
I lost my job at the daycare and the police were
called," he lamented.

 

••••