Now here is a handsome fellow....
••
♥
What do a new car, a new microwave, a new pack of underwear
all have in Commen?
They will never be this clean again!
all have in Commen?
They will never be this clean again!
••
Things you won't hear at the Daytona 500.....
-- None for me, thanks.
That Skoal will do a number on your teeth.
-- Hey, shut up! I can't hear the race!
-- Sex with your sister? Man, that's sick.
-- My God, this is a splendid Merlot.
-- Hey, you with the large breasts, out of the way.
We're trying to watch a race here.
-- Jeeves, be a good man and retrieve the Wall Street Journal
from my attach case.
Then fetch me some clotted cream for my scone.
-- What a coincidence, Hank, all my friends are boycotting
Hooters, too.
-- These are even better seats than we had for the Lionel Richie
concert.
-- Good morning, Mr. Trickle.
We at 'Depends' understand you're looking for a new corporate
sponsor.
-- Filling in for Dale 'The Intimidator' Earnhardt today is
substitute driver, Michael 'Lord of the Dance' Flatley.
-- And now, singing our national anthem, international
recording artist Boy George.
-- None for me, thanks.
That Skoal will do a number on your teeth.
-- Hey, shut up! I can't hear the race!
-- Sex with your sister? Man, that's sick.
-- My God, this is a splendid Merlot.
-- Hey, you with the large breasts, out of the way.
We're trying to watch a race here.
-- Jeeves, be a good man and retrieve the Wall Street Journal
from my attach case.
Then fetch me some clotted cream for my scone.
-- What a coincidence, Hank, all my friends are boycotting
Hooters, too.
-- These are even better seats than we had for the Lionel Richie
concert.
-- Good morning, Mr. Trickle.
We at 'Depends' understand you're looking for a new corporate
sponsor.
-- Filling in for Dale 'The Intimidator' Earnhardt today is
substitute driver, Michael 'Lord of the Dance' Flatley.
-- And now, singing our national anthem, international
recording artist Boy George.
••
Little Monster: "I hate my teacher."
Mother Monster: "Well, then just eat your salad, dear!
Mother Monster: "Well, then just eat your salad, dear!
••"
A woman invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear mommy say," the woman answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?".
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear mommy say," the woman answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?".
••
Last summer I was on holiday with my wife in Las Vegas.
On our last night we were having cocktails in the hotel bar
when I realized that a rather dapper businessman kept looking
over and staring at my wife.
At first I didn't think anything of it, but when she excused
herself to go to the toilet, he stood up and walked over to me.
"Excuse me for being so rude, but I couldn't help but look at
your wife", he said, exuding confidence.
"Tell me, are you aware of the film, Indecent Proposal?"
"Well y-y-yes", I stuttered, trying to mask the excitement in
my voice, "Why, are you about to make some kind of offer for
one night with my wife?"
"No way!" He laughed.
"I just wanted to tell you that she looks exactly like
Robert Redford."
On our last night we were having cocktails in the hotel bar
when I realized that a rather dapper businessman kept looking
over and staring at my wife.
At first I didn't think anything of it, but when she excused
herself to go to the toilet, he stood up and walked over to me.
"Excuse me for being so rude, but I couldn't help but look at
your wife", he said, exuding confidence.
"Tell me, are you aware of the film, Indecent Proposal?"
"Well y-y-yes", I stuttered, trying to mask the excitement in
my voice, "Why, are you about to make some kind of offer for
one night with my wife?"
"No way!" He laughed.
"I just wanted to tell you that she looks exactly like
Robert Redford."
••
The government wants teachers to report any activities
pupils do that may be construed as terrorism.
Does that apply to Muslim schools to?
pupils do that may be construed as terrorism.
Does that apply to Muslim schools to?
••
A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:
"if you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you!”
The husband's reply,
"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
"if you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you!”
The husband's reply,
"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
••
Why the Easter bunny brings Easter eggs....
10. Big tax write-off.
9. Who ever heard of Easter Bricks?
8. Consider all of the varieties: scrambled, over easy,
hard boiled.
7. He gets a good deal from the local chickens.
6. Secret plan to eliminate human race by cholesterol overdose.
5. Pressure from the Egg Marketing Board.
4. Because if it brought bottle rockets it would be the
Independence Bunny.
3. Would you want to hunt for waffles?
2. He thinks guys should get chicks at least once a year.
1. Because the Energizer rabbit got the good job.
10. Big tax write-off.
9. Who ever heard of Easter Bricks?
8. Consider all of the varieties: scrambled, over easy,
hard boiled.
7. He gets a good deal from the local chickens.
6. Secret plan to eliminate human race by cholesterol overdose.
5. Pressure from the Egg Marketing Board.
4. Because if it brought bottle rockets it would be the
Independence Bunny.
3. Would you want to hunt for waffles?
2. He thinks guys should get chicks at least once a year.
1. Because the Energizer rabbit got the good job.
