••
♥
A new paint store just opened up by my place, so I decided as
any red-blooded, sexually repressed young lad to pay it a visit.
When I went in I saw signs all over advertising the newest
color: "Natural Blonde".
There weren't any samples around, so I asked the clerk to
describe it to me.
He replied, "Natural Blonde? Wonderful new paint: not too
bright, but spreads easily!"
any red-blooded, sexually repressed young lad to pay it a visit.
When I went in I saw signs all over advertising the newest
color: "Natural Blonde".
There weren't any samples around, so I asked the clerk to
describe it to me.
He replied, "Natural Blonde? Wonderful new paint: not too
bright, but spreads easily!"
••
Chelsea Peretti: Getting Attacked
I always think, what would I do if someone tried to get me?
My first thought is just something dumb, like Id try to pick
my nose and just be gross.
In my mind a rapist is just some white hat frat boy who'd just
be like, Ugh nasty, forget it.
Learn some manners.
I always think, what would I do if someone tried to get me?
My first thought is just something dumb, like Id try to pick
my nose and just be gross.
In my mind a rapist is just some white hat frat boy who'd just
be like, Ugh nasty, forget it.
Learn some manners.
••
Q: Why do married men gain weight and bachelors don't?
A: The bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want,
then go to bed.
Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go
to the refrigerator.
A: The bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want,
then go to bed.
Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go
to the refrigerator.
••
The funniest court room story I ever heard occured
in C-Ville in 2008.
A German was in the dock for whatever crime he
had committed but didn't speak any English.
The judge asked if anyone in the room spoke German,
and a local fellow indicated he did and could act as
intepreter.
Judge: Can you ask him his name?
The local fellow: 'Vot iz yer name'?
He got a fine of 100 dollars for contempt of court.
But said he enjoyed himself so much he happily paid
it and would do it again.
in C-Ville in 2008.
A German was in the dock for whatever crime he
had committed but didn't speak any English.
The judge asked if anyone in the room spoke German,
and a local fellow indicated he did and could act as
intepreter.
Judge: Can you ask him his name?
The local fellow: 'Vot iz yer name'?
He got a fine of 100 dollars for contempt of court.
But said he enjoyed himself so much he happily paid
it and would do it again.
••
"I caught my twelve year old son looking up women's
skirts today," I told the barman after my second
whiskey.
"That's pretty normal for a twelve year old, isn't it?"
he asked.
"Not on eBay it isn't." I said.
skirts today," I told the barman after my second
whiskey.
"That's pretty normal for a twelve year old, isn't it?"
he asked.
"Not on eBay it isn't." I said.
••
"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one
told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and
towels."
told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and
towels."
••
If your name is on the building, you’re rich.
If your name is on your desk, you’re middle-class.
If your name is on your shirt, you’re poor.
If your name is on the building, you’re rich.
If your name is on your desk, you’re middle-class.
If your name is on your shirt, you’re poor.
••
It was the second grade teacher's birthday.
So every child in the class was giving her a special
gift.
Anna's mother owned a flower shop, so Anna gave
the teacher some beautiful flowers.
Robert's parents owned a candy shop.
Robert gave the teacher a wonderful box of assorted
candies.
Then it was little Johnny's turn.
Johnny's dad owned a liquor store!
So Johnny brought a big box for his teacher.
When little Johnny handed the box to his teacher,
she noticed that the bottom of the box was wet.
So she put her finger on it and tasted.
"Is it wine?" the teacher asked.
"No, it's not wine!" Johnny replied.
She tasted it again.
"Hmmmmmm....... Is it some sort of liquor?"
"Nope, it's not liquor!" said Johnny.
She tasted it again and was puzzled.
"Well, Johnny, I give up...... What is it?"
Johnny was excited, "It's a puppy!" he said.
So every child in the class was giving her a special
gift.
Anna's mother owned a flower shop, so Anna gave
the teacher some beautiful flowers.
Robert's parents owned a candy shop.
Robert gave the teacher a wonderful box of assorted
candies.
Then it was little Johnny's turn.
Johnny's dad owned a liquor store!
So Johnny brought a big box for his teacher.
When little Johnny handed the box to his teacher,
she noticed that the bottom of the box was wet.
So she put her finger on it and tasted.
"Is it wine?" the teacher asked.
"No, it's not wine!" Johnny replied.
She tasted it again.
"Hmmmmmm....... Is it some sort of liquor?"
"Nope, it's not liquor!" said Johnny.
She tasted it again and was puzzled.
"Well, Johnny, I give up...... What is it?"
Johnny was excited, "It's a puppy!" he said.
••
I couldn't help but giggle when my son got an
erection at nappy changing time.
"It's not funny, Dad.
I lost my job at the daycare and the police were
called," he lamented.
erection at nappy changing time.
"It's not funny, Dad.
I lost my job at the daycare and the police were
called," he lamented.
••••
