# 1827

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She is so blonde, when she missed the 44 bus,
she took the 22 bus twice.

 

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A blond lady went to see a Doctor, complaining of
an upset stomach.
The Doctor asked "What did you have for dinner last
night?"
"Oysters," she replied.
"Were the oysters fresh?" asked the doctor.
"How should I know?" said the lady.
"Well," asked the doctor, "couldn't you tell when you
took off the shells?"
"Oh my god," gasped the lady. "Are you supposed to
take off the shells?"

 

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A cop stopped me for speeding.
He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said,
"See this thing my foot is on?
It's called an accelerator.
When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the
engine.
The whole car just takes right off.
And see this thing? This steers it."

 

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I was in the lead in a trivia competition until the last
question.
The question was "Where do women have the curliest
hair?"
The correct answer was Fiji.
Who would have thought they were looking for the
name of a country.

 

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Having had one too many, a bar drinker was
beginning to display an ugly side.
An unescorted female sat down beside him and he
whispered to her, "Hey! How about it babe?
You and me?"
As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you
sure look like you could use the money, but I don't
have an extra two dollars."
She looked back and replied just as loudly,
"What makes you think I charge by the inch?"

 

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I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a
cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55
miles per hour?"
"Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."

 

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Three children were talking about their religions.
"I'm a Catholic," said one, "And our symbol is the
cross."
"I'm Jewish," said the second, "And our symbol is
the Star of David."
The third child said, "I'm a Unitarian Universalist
and our symbol is a candle in a cocktail glass!"

 

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I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles".
That's pretty big..... Some people must be really tired.

 

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"Don't open that wardrobe!" shouted the wife as I
was just about to, "Your Christmas present is in
there!"
"Too late," I said, pulling open the door.
"You get me the shittiest presents!" I said, looking in.
"Why the hell would I want a half naked milkman?"

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A customer pulled up to my drive-through window
at the fast-food restaurant where I work and
requested something from the lunch menu.
"I’m sorry, but it’s 10:15," I told her.
"We’re only serving breakfast now."
After thinking it over, she asked,
"Do you have anything on your breakfast menu
that tastes like lunch?"

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The guy leered at the babe at the yacht-club,
"Hey, baby, would you help me 'raise my mast'?"
"No thanks," she said sweetly. 
"I heard about you from your ex and she included
a 'small craft' warning."

 

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I was looking at the pies offered by a nearby café.
They had cherry, apple, berry, peach, and Herman’s.
"What type of pie is Herman’s?" I asked the waiter.
"Apple," he said.
"Then why is it called Herman’s pie?"
"Because Herman called in to reserve it."

 

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Boss to employee: "Young man, you have risen very
fast in this company.
Two years ago, you began as an office boy.
In a couple of months, you were a clerk.
Then, you became a salesman, after that assistant
manager, then manager.
Now you are the vice president of the company.
What have you to say about all this?"
Employee: "Thanks, Dad".

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The Food Stamp Program, administered by the
U.S. Department of Agriculture, is proud to be
distributing this year the greatest amount of free
Meals and Food Stamps ever, to 46 million people.
Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered
by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us
“Please Do Not Feed the Animals.”
Their stated reason for the policy is because
“The animals will grow dependent on handouts and
will not learn to take care of themselves.”
Thus ends today’s lesson in irony.

 

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What is the best thing you got for christmas?
A mouthorgan, its the best present I've ever had.
Why?
My mum gives me extra pocket money every week
not to play it!

 

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Doctor, Doctor I feel like an apple."
"You will eventually get to the core of it!"

 

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A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to
their home one day, when a fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a
Dalmatian dog.
The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another..... "He's just for good luck.."
A third child brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire
hydrants."

 

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Two strands of DNA were walking down the street.
One says to the other, "Do these genes make me look
fat?

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Q: What is harder than getting a pregnant woman
in a Volkswagen?
A: Getting a woman pregnant in a Volkswagen!

 

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That awkward moment where your rubbing

something off the front of your pants, only to realize
that a lot of people are staring at you as your rub
your crotch furiously.

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That awkward moment when you wish you would
have spent a little extra on 2-ply toliet paper...

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A pipe burst in a doctor's house.
He called a plumber.
The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did
mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and
handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous!
I don't even make that much as a doctor!."
The plumber quietly answered,
"Neither did I when I was a doctor."

 

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I can't decide wether to become a barber or a short

 story writer.
 Think I'll flip a coin, 'Heads or tales'.

 

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Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and

gone back to school.
Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell
her that he was misbehaving.
"Wait a minute," she said.
"I had Johnny with me for three months and I never
called you once when he misbehaved."

 

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A husband was giving a speech on wife’s 30th

birthday, he said.....
Forget about the past, you can’t change it.
Forget about the future, you can’t predict it.
Forget about the present, I didn’t get you one.

 

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In time for the holidays.

A Love Story. kinda Brings a Tear to your eye!
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on
Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.
 As the wife walked through the mall she was
surprised to look up and see her husband was
nowhere around.
 She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.
 Because she was so worried, she called him on her
mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you
remember the jewelry store we went into about
5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond
necklace that we could not afford and I told you that
I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said,
"Yes, I remember that jewelry store."
He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

 

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Been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes

me think I'm an airport building.
Hope it's not terminal.

 

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I knocked on the couple-next-door's front entry last
night.
"Sorry John," I said, "I know you've only just got
home from work but I need your help.
I can't get into my house.
I was in a rush and my front door key is in my
trousers, which I've left beside the bed."
"Okay, so what do you want me to do then?" he asked.
I said, "Go upstairs to your bedroom and get them
for me...."

 

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How Dumb was he....
He was so dumb he put birdseed in his shoes to
feed his pigeon toes.

 

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Guy goes to the doctor and says he has flying crabs.
He drops his pants and dozens of little black flies
swarm out.
Doc says those are not flying crabs, they're fruit flies.
You've got a dead banana!

 

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A tourist asks a man in uniform,
"Are you a policeman?"
"No, I am an undercover detective."
"So why are you in uniform?"
"Today is my day off."

 

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 Grandparents are funny, when they bend over,
you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.

 

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90-year-old man goes to the doctor and says,
"Doc, you gotta help me.
I need you to lower my sex drive."
Doc says, "Lower it?!
You're the first 90-year-old man I've known who
even has one.
How much lower do you want it?"
 Guy says, "Well, maybe about 2 feet- right now it's
all in my head."

 

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A termite walks into a bar and asks......
"is the bartender here?"

 

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It’s my wife’s 30th birthday tomorrow.
Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know, she said.
Just give me something with diamonds.”
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.

 

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Dad buys a LIE DETECTOR ROBOT which slaps
people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner.
”Son, where were you today?”
The son says “at school dad.”
Robot slaps the son!
“OK, I watched a DVD at my friends house!”
“What DVD?” “Toy story.”
Robot slaps the son again!
“OK, it was porn”.
Dad yells.. “What! When I was your age I didn’t
know what porn was!”
Robot then slaps the dad!
Mom laughs... “HAHAHA!
He’s certainly YOUR son.”
Robot then slaps the mom….

 

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Like my mixer ?

 

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Useless Knowledge;
Sharks can be dangerous even before they are born.
One scientist was bitten by a sand tiger shark
embryo while he was examining its pregnant mother.

 

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Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UVA
freshman, sat in her USA government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said,
"That was the decision George Washington had
to make before he crossed the Delaware"

 

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The worse..... your line is tangled,
the better is the fishing around you.

 

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Men......
Did you know flowers can help you live longer?
Just give a bunch to your wife when she wants to
kill you.

 

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Let us so live that when we come to die even the
undertaker will be sorry. ~ Mark Twain

 

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Should members of these actual clubs be considered
slightly deranged: Committee for Immediate Nuclear
War, the National Society for Prevention of Cruelty to
Mushrooms, the Order of Manly Men, and our
favorite, the Institute of Totally Useless Skills?

 

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A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived.
"Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we
want her, we just go get her.
Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her
back to the airport."

 

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If you treat your wife like a thoroughbred,
you'll never end up with a nag.
Zig Ziglar

 

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My husband retired, and for the first time in over
40 years...
 I had to think about preparing midday meals.
Tired of it after several months, I said, "I married
you for better or worse, but not for lunch."
"Fair enough.....
From now on I'll make my own," he replied.
A few weeks later he had to go downtown on
business and invited me to join him afterwards.
"We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both
like," he suggested.
I happily agreed.
At the restaurant the next day we were seated,
and the waiter came to take our order.
 My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and
said, "Separate checks, please..."

 

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There are three ways to get things done:
do it yourself, hire someone to do it,
or forbid your kids to do it.

 

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Man is a peculiar creature.
He spends lots of money to make his home
insect-proof and air-conditioned, and then eats in
the yard.

 

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Chris Rock: Invading a Country with Oil...
Let me get this straight.
We invade a country with oil, but gas costs more?
That dont make no sense!
Now I didnt go to no fancy school or nothing,
but Ill tell you this right now -- if I invade
Kentucky Fried Chicken, wings will be cheap at my
house.

 

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There are no winners in life...only survivors.

 

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What does the starship enterprise and tiolet paper
have in common?

They both circle around uranus and wipe out klingons...

 

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Why do your girls cover up their body and hair?
The Sheikh smiled and got two sweets, he opened
the first one and kept the other one closed.
He threw them both on the dusty floor and asked the
British man:
If I ask you to take one of the sweets which one will
you choose?
The British man replied: The covered one.
The Sheikh said: That's how we treat and see our
woman.
The moral of the story is, stop throwing your women
on the floor.

 

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I know how lawyers' friends are always trying to get
free legal advice from them and they hate that,
so I try not to do the same.
 The other night I asked a lawyer friend of mine if I
could ask him a couple of questions if I paid him $50.
He said, "Sure! What's the second question?"

 

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Q. What did the digital clock say to the analog clock?
 A. Look, No hands!

 

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What a rip-off!
Once I ate in a Hollywood restaurant that had a big
sign outside' "EAT WITH THE STARS."
Turns out the restaurant was a converted planetarium.

 

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It was my first bout; and after a couple of quick jabs,
I threw a left-right combination before landing a
smashing hook...and my opponent was on the canvas.
As I walked back to my corner, my trainer asked,
"You've taken your contact lenses out, haven't you?"
"Yeah, why?" I responded.
"Because you've just knocked out the ring girl!"

 

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