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•••

♥

Mary: My daughter believes in preventative medicine,
doctor.
Doctor: Oh, really?
Mary: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her
take it!

 

••

Gus : Why do mommy kangaroos hate rainy days?
Pete : Because then the kids have to play inside.

 

••

Answering Machine Message 141....
Hello, I'm not here right now.
In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet.
If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to
get back to you.
Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to
clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner.

 

••

Some people should use a glue stick instead
of a chapstick.....

 

••

What a Woman thinks;
The most perfect man in the world is her father.
The most abused husband in the world is her brother.
The most handsome man in the world is her son.
The luckiest and happiest man in the world is her
sister's husband.
The most thankful man in the world is her son in law,
And the worst, most selfish, heartless, total jerk and
the man with worst behavior in the world is her
Husband...

 

••

My pet mouse Elvis died today :(
He was caught in a trap...

 

••

"Miss, why do sharks circle before attacking people?"
asked little Mary... "Surely it gives a chance to escape?"
"Well I can't say I know that one Mary," answered the
teacher.
"Can anyone else in the class help me with this?"
 "Please Miss! I know!" shouted little Johnny.
 "Go on then Johnny and this had better be good!"
tutted the teacher.
 "Well Miss, maybe sharks like eating people without
the crap inside them?"

 

••

I walked into McDonalds and said to the cashier,
"I've just bought a burger from you, I took one bite
and 2 teeth fell out."
"Maybe you bit down too hard?" she replied.
 "They're not my teeth."

 

••

First the doctor told me the good news:
I was going to have a disease named after me.

 

•

 

(¯`’·.¸•;• :|: ºº :|:•;•¸.·’´¯)    

Pretty Lady has a birthday.. today..
••

 

 

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•••

♥

Funniest thing today for real!
Al Gore claimed that Obama's "poor perfromance" at
the debate is due to the thin air!
Funny is that nobody ever blamed the thin air for the
BS that Obama spread when he came to Colorado.
Newsflash, Mitt Romney is not from Colorado either!

 

••

You know you are addicted to the Internet when...
You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top
to bottom.
Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to
search.
You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity
and no phone lines.
You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying
a cellular modem and a laptop
You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on
your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.

 

••

one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus
driver:'
 'Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?''
The bus driver shakes his head and says,'
 'No, I'm sorry.'
 'At this the other blonde leans inside
 'Will it take me'?

 

••

A frightened man dialled 911 to report! an assault.
"I was coming in the back door," said the man to the
dispatcher, "when I was struck on the forehead.
Luckily, I was able to get into the house and lock the
door...... Please send help right away!"
After advising him to stay calm, the dispatcher sent
an officer to investigate.
About a half hour later, the policeman returns to the
station and is sporting a large bump on his head.
"What happened to you?," asked the chief.
"Did you find the perpetrator?"
"Yes I did, and it was easy, chief," replied the cop,
rubbing his sore head ... "I stepped on the rake, too."

 

••

A while ago I signed myself into one of those
institutions that gradually wean you off of your need
for money to the point that, if you don't have any -
you don't care.........I got married. 

 

•• 

A spinster lady booked into a rather large city hotel
for a short holiday.
The porter showed her to her room on an upper floor.
After half an hour she reappeared in the foyer
demanding to see the manager.
“It’s disgusting; I can see a naked man in the bedroom
of the hotel next door” she told the manager.
Rather startled by this claim, he straight away
accompanied the lady back to her room to ascertain
what she had seen.
Looking out of the window he exclaimed “I can’t see
any naked man”
“Oh, you have to stand on that chair” was the reply!

 

••

John says to his wife , "When will you straighten out
the house, dear?"
Wife (in a bad mood) replies sarcastically,
"Why? Is it tilted?"
••

 

 

••

 

••••••

•••

♥

 

In The News:
An Oregon farmer has been eaten by his own pigs.
 Police have stated that "The possibility of foul play is
being investigated as well" - Does that mean the pigs
collaborated with the chickens in a planned attack?

 

••

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water
them.

 

••

Texting for Seniors -
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friends Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was 
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
LWO - Lawrence Welk's On
OMSG - Oh My! Sorry.... Gas
WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
WTP - Where's the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!
DTAF - Don't Trust A Fart....

 

••

Now that the S&P downgraded US Debt,
the White House said it's working on a 'plan B.'
Unfortunately, the B stands for "bake sale."

 

••

Never answer an anonymous letter. - Yogi Berra

 

••

The sheriff of a small lawless town way out west walks
into the saloon, and shouts for everyone's attention.
"Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?" he asks.
 "What's he look like?" asks one shoddy looking cowboy.
"Well," the sheriff answers, "he wears a brown paper hat,
a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper
boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket."
 "So what's he wanted for?" asks the same cowboy.
"Rustlin'," replies the sheriff.

 

••

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were
amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still
full

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••

••••••

•••

♥

Q: Why is there no gold at the end of the rainbow?
A: The Leprachan took it and sold it to Cash4Gold!

 

••

Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful
New York contractor, was standing on the deck of the
Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him into
the river where he drowned.
The following Sunday his widow, all decked out in deepest
black, was standing on the church steps after Mass,
receiving condolences and enjoying every minute of it,
when an old friend of the contractor came up.
"I'm sorry, Mary, for your trouble," offered the friend.
"Did Mike leave you well fixed?"
"Oh, he did!" she said.
"He left me almost a half million dollars."
"Well now, that's not bad for a man who couldn't read
or write."
"Nor swim either," added the widow.

 

••

Whenever I write a letter to someone,
I add a footnote briefly explaining Ohm's law.
It's my P.S. de resistance.

 

••

The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a
great deal about the food.
"Here," he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat
for inspection, "do you call that pig?"
"Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked sweetly....

 

••

My friend Dave at work has just passed a dope test.
 Yes, He is definitely a dope.

 

••

We were at the coffee machine the other day and my friend
looked at me and said I like my coffee like I like my women,
Hot and with cream.
The lady behind us overheard us and I thought we might
be in for a lecture.
Instead she stepped up to the machine put in her money
and looked at us and said “I like my hot cocoa like I like
my men, Hot and Whipped.
Boy were we surprised.

 

••

I've decided to retire on Monday & live off my savings.
 Don't know what I will do on Tuesday though.

 

••

The default Magic Word, "Abracadabra", actually is a
corruption of the Hebrew phrase "ha-Bracha dab'ra"
which means "pronounce the blessing".
 And which blessing normally precedes making your
money disappear!

 

••

 

 

Good Morning.....
♠♠

 

••••••

•••

♥

Unknown landing signal officer (LSO) to carrier pilot after
his sixth unsuccessful landing attempt:
"You've got to land here son . . . this is where the food is."

 

•• 

The three best things in life are: A good landing, a good
orgasm, and a good bowel movement.
A night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities to
experience all three at the same time.

 

••

Just ‘cause you got the monkey off your back,
it doesn’t mean the circus left town.

 --George Carlin--

••

A young man was in love with a girl.
At one weekend, he invited his girlfriend to the cinema.
When they were at the ticket box, the young man said to
the ticket seller, "Two tickets, please.
"When the ticket seller told him that all the tickets had
sold out, the disappointed young man said,
"Then do you have any sur- tickets that can allow us to
stand together?"

 

••

I had to get my pet rock put down this afternoon..
 It kept attacking all my scissors.

 

••

I know a lot of people won't eat Italian food at a restaurant.
They always say the same thing, Im not going to spend
$10 for a dollars worth of pasta.
Plus no one makes Italian food like my grandmother.
Well you do spend a little extra for Italian food at a
restaurant but for that extra $9 you get a heaping side
order of not hanging out with your grandmother.

 

••

Pete: My wife and I heard that coffee is good for your sex
life.
Gusman: Oh, and is it?
Pete: No..... It kept me awake for the whole damn thing.
I actually had to participate!

 

••

You know you're getting old when you go into a room
and can't remember why......
And it's the toilet.

••

 

 

♠♠

 

••••••

•••

♥

If you're behind someone at a cash machine let them
know you're not a threat by gently kissing their neck.

 

••

Every time someone predicts the date of the end of the
world, God pushes the date back a little just to be funny.

 

••

Three guys are debating who has the best memory.
The first guy says: "I can remember the first day at
elementary school."
 The second guy says: "I can remember my first day at
nursery school!"
 Not to be outdone, the third guy says:
"That's nothing! I can remember going to the senior prom
with my father, and coming home with my mother."

 

••

My computer always beats me at chess.
But, I beat it in kick boxing.....

 

••

Streakers, repent... your end is in sight....

 

••

A Soldier's Brilliant Idea;
Mr. Robinson had to travel somewhere on business,
and as he was in a hurry, he decided to go by air.
He liked sitting beside a window when he was flying,
so when he got on to the plane, he looked for a window seat.
He found all of them had already had been taken except
for one.
There was a soldier sitting in the seat beside this one,
and Mr. Robinson was surprised that he had not taken the
one by the window; but, anyhow, he at once went towards
it.
 When he reached it, however, he saw that there was a
notice on it.
It was written in ink and said, "This seat is preserved for
proper load balance, thank you."
Mr Robinson had never seen such an unusual notice in a
plane before, but he thought that the plane must be
carrying something particularly heavy in it, so he walked
on and found another empty seat, not beside a window,
to sit in.
 Two or three people tried to sit in the window seat beside
the soldier, but they too read the notice and went on,
when the plane was nearly full, a very beautiful girl hurried
into the plane.
The soldier, who was watching the passengers coming in,
quickly took the notice off the seat beside himself and in
this way succeeded in having the company of the girl
during the whole trip.

 

••

A smart housewife was told that there was a kind of stove
which would only consume half of the coal she was
burning.
She was very excited, and said:
"Thatll be terrific! Since one stove can save half of the coal,
if I buy two, no coal will be needed!"

 

••

I used to date a tree surgeon, but it didn't work out.
She seemed kind of shady.

 

••