••

••

♥

 

Why can't Politicians take Viagra?
Because they get taller.

 

••

I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday, for a
look at the new Silverado 1500 pickup.
Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive.
I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become
extinct.
The salesman (a black man wearing an Obama "change"
lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck
and all its "wonderful" options.
The seats were of particular interest.
He explained that the seats directed warm air to your
butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in
the summer heat.
Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this
must be a Republican truck.
Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a
Republican truck.
I explained that if it were an Obama truck, the seats
would blow smoke up your ass year-round.
I had to walk back to the dealership...
Darn guy had no sense of humor!

 

••

Don’t let a man put anything over on you except an
umbrella.—Mae West

 

••

Cool message by a wife.....
Dear Mother-in-law,
"Don't teach me how to handle my children,
I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of
improvement"

 

••

They asked the Japanese visitor if they have elections in
his country.
"Every morning," he answered...

 

••

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any
interest in his paintings currently on display.
"I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied.
"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your
work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after
your death.
When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your
paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed.
"What's the bad news?"
With concern, the gallery owner replied:
"The guy was your doctor."

 

••

I lost a good friend the other day he got his finger caught
in a wedding ring.

 

••

Woman buys a new Sim Card.
Puts it in her phone and decides to surprise her husband
who is seated on the couch in the Living room.
She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new
number: "Hello Darling."
The husband responds in a low tone:
"Let me call you back later Honey, the stupid woman is
in the kitchen.

 

••

My day starts backwards...I wake up tired and go to bed
wide awake.
 

••
A couple of old guys were golfing when one mentioned
that he was going to go to Dr. Smith for a new set of
dentures in the morning.
His elderly buddy remarked that he, too, had gone to
the very same dentist two years before.
"Is that so?" asked the first old guy.
"Did he do a good job?"
The second oldster replied, "Well, I was on the golf
course yesterday when a guy on the next fairway hooked
a shot.
The ball must have been going at least 100 mph when it
smacked me right in the testicles."
The first old guy was confused and asked, "What the hell
does that have to do with your dentures?"
"It was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt....."
 

••
I don’t want to die doing something I love.
I want to die doing something I hate.
That way I don’t have to finish it.

 

••••

••

 

••

♥

 

I meet a lot of strippers, and they always say the same
thing: Im paying my way through medical school.
Now, if thats the truth, why is that you never meet a
doctor that used to be a stripper?
You'd think they'd be everywhere.

 

••

Three women walk in a pet shop.
Suddenly the parrot yells out, "Yellow, pink, blue."
The first lady says, "That's funny, I'm wearing yellow
underwear."
The second lady says "well I'm wearing pink."
The third lady says "No way, I'm wearing blue."
To test the parrot, the next day, all of them wore white
and the parrot shouted, "white! white! white!"
The three women are amazed.
The final test was the third day, just as they walk in the
parrot yelled "Bald, curly and straight!"
They never went there again!! 

 

••

Gus was searching the dictionary for the word
"Dictionary".
He found this meaning: "Dictionary is the thing you are
holding, stupid."
Wondering what the definition of stupid was, he searched
for the word stupid, and found:  "Is that you again!?!"

 

••

Mari was telling her girlfriend Rosie about the gent she
met on a trip to Vegas.
"He took me to his condo overlooking the strip in Vegas,
we had some wine and then he showed me all these
expensive jewels.
 There was an emerald cut diamond of at least five carats,
a tennis bracelet of six carats, and even a wrist watch
with eleven carats."
 "Impressive." said Rosie.
 "Well... yes." Mari agreed.
"But the downside was that with all those carats,
he expected me to behave like a rabbit."

 

••

A man is walking in the backwoods of Alabama when all
of a sudden he comes upon a big game hunter on safari.
The man says, “What the hell are you doing hunting
elephants here in Alabama?”
The hunter says "Well, I’ve hunted elephants all over the
world and every time I shoot one it is a giant pain in the
ass to pull out the tusks.
You really have to pull and pull to get those tusks out…
they’re really in there tight…"
And I heard that here in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.

 

•• 

A newlywed couple gets back from their honeymoon and
the husband decides that he wants to watch the video
of their first night as husband and wife.
He plays the tape and hears his wife say, "Ahh, ahh,
that's happiness. Ahh, ahh, that's happiness."
Just then, his new bride walks in and says, "You moron,
that's slo-motion." She rewinds the tape and plays it at
normal speed:
"Ha, ha, that's a penis? Ha, ha, that's a penis?" 

 

••

Most people find the second week after quitting the
cigarettes is definitely easier than the first.
Mainly because that's when they start smoking again.

 

••

Did you hear the one about the homosexual ghosts?
They gave each other the willies.

 

•• 

I ordered a burger at McDonald's in Detroit, 
and the kid behind the counter asked,
"Can you afford fries with that?"

 

••••

••

 

••

♥

 

Women today put on wigs, fake eyelashes, false
fingernails, several pounds of assorted makeup,
shadows, blushes, creams, slip on living bras, various
pads, go under the knife for cosmetic reasons -
 - and then complain they cannot find a "real" man.

 

••

A month ago, Morris read that smoking kills people;
 He stopped smoking from that day.
Two weeks ago, Morris read that too much red meat kills
people;
 He stopped eating red meat from that day.
One week ago, Morris read that too much drinking kills
people;
 He stopped drinking from that day.
Yesterday, Morris read that too much sex can kill people;
 He stopped reading from that day.

 

••

My 5-year-old son Neel, came running to me one day
and said, "Papa, I want to get married."
Amused, I said, "You know you need a girl to get married."
Neel replied, "I already have a girl in mind."
"And who is that?" I asked.
"Granny!" exclaimed Neel.
"What?" I asked.
"You want to marry my mother?
Why do you want to do that?"
"Why not?" said Neel, "You married mine!"

 

••

A new British survey has revealed that 9 out of 10 people
like Chocolate.
The tenth lies.

 

••

Obama: "Congratulations on the baby.
May I offer some advice?"
William: "Certainly."
Obama: "Save the birth certificate."

 

•• 

Son and mom were looking for a lost contact lens in
driveway.
The Mom soon found it.
Son: "Wow! How did you find it?"
Mom: "You were looking for a piece of plastic,
but I was looking for $150."

 

••

My new vegetarian girlfriend cooked me one of her
favourite dishes last night.
 "What are these little round things", I asked.
 "Have you never seen a chick-pea before?", she said.
 "Of course I have, my last girlfriend was up for anything,
but that doesn't answer my question".

 

••

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his
brief vacations at this country inn.
The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the
innkeeper's daughter.
Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his
suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.
There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were
pregnant?" he cried.
"I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten
married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my
condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and
decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family
than a lawyer."

 

••

Irony...Carlos Danger aka Anthony Weiner.....
His speech about changing his behavior i.e. texting
photos of his junk, was yesterday on National Hot Dog
Day.
I'm just not sure how to take his message.

 

••

I think I have a combination of Alzheimer's and ADD.
I can't remember what I wasn't focusing on....

••••

••

 

••

♥

 

After directory assistance gave Anita, her boyfriend's
new telephone number, she dialed him and got a woman.
"Is Jimmy there?" Anita asked.
"He's in the shower," she responded.
"Please tell him his girlfriend called," Anita said and
hung up.
When he didn't return the call, Anita dialed again.
This time a man answered.
"This is Jimmy," he said.
"You're not my boyfriend!" Anita exclaimed.
"I know," he replied.
"That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the
past half-hour."

 

••

“A doctor who became a bartender was always giving
out shots!”

 

••

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors'
special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for
$2.99.
'Sounds good,' my wife said..... 'But I don't want the eggs..'
'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're
ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?'
my wife asked incredulously.
'YES !' stated the waitress.
'I'll take the special then,' my wife said..
'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

 

••

I farted in the Apple store and everyone got pissed.
Not my fault they don't have Windows....

 

••

A man was known among his friends to be very brief
and to the point - he really never said too much.
One day, a saleswoman promoting a certain brand of
cosmetics knocked on his door and asked to see his wife.
The man told her that his wife wasn't home.
"Well," replied the saleswoman, "could I please wait
for her?"
The man directed her to the drawing room and left her
there for more than three hours.
The saleswoman was getting really worried, so she called
out to the man and asked, "May I know where your wife
is?"
"She went to the cemetery," he replied.
"And when is she returning?"
"I don't really know," he said.
"She's been there eleven years now."

 

••

I've often wanted to drown my troubles,
but I can't get my wife to go swimming...

 

••

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED....
10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down,
and then we can talk".
9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
8. The cat is on Valium.
7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because
they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to
decaffeinated.
5. The number of jobs held down by family members
exceeds the number of people in the family.
4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.
3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law
enforcement officials.
2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can
take out the trash.
1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

 

••

Always carry a picture of your wife in your wallet.
It will remind you of why there is no money in there………

 

••

A Man Was Watching A Movie At Home And Suddenly
Shouts “Nooooooooooooo!” Don’t!!!!!!
Get Off The Horse!
Its A Trap!!
Wife: What Are You Watching?
Man: Our Wedding DVD….

 

••••

••

 

••

♥

 

Gus's Law Of Useless Difficulty: Just because it's hard,
doesn't mean it's worth the effort.

 

••

The price of Prozac went up 50% last year.
When they asked Prozac users how they felt about this
they said, 'Whatever...'

 

••

Computers are like air conditioners.
They work fine until you start opening windows.

 

••

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell who
accidentally ended up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously but it was all empty and
quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder,
but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared
and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE
ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away...
"We're down here!"

 

••

Men are like.....Bank Accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much
interest.

 

••

Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just
LOOK SILLY.

 

••

Men are like.....Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

 

••

Men are like ... newborn babies
They're cute at first, but you get tired of picking
up their crap.

••••

••

 

••

♥

 

Wife:-
Whenever I sing classical why do you stand in balcony?
Husband:-
 To ensure that our neighbors don't think, I'm not doing
it forcibly..

 

••

One woman told another : "My neighbour is always
speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband
is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything
bad about him ?"

 

••

what is Difference between a man buying a lottery & a
man arguing with his wife/girlfriend ?
Ans.  A man buying a lottery has a chance to win !!

 

••

The blind farmer was often taken for a walk in the fields
by a kind neighbor.
However kindly the neighbor might have been, he was
undoubtedly a coward.
When a bull charged towards them one day, he
abandoned the blind man.
The bull, puzzled by a lack of fear, nudged the farmer in
the back.
He turned very quickly, caught the bull by the horns and
threw it to the ground with a bump that left it breathless.
"Aidan," said the neighbor, "I never knew you were so
strong."
"Faith, and if I could have got that fella off the
handlebars of the bicycle I'd have thrashed him properly."

 

••

My new years resolution was to lose 30lbs by the end of
summer.
Well only 40lbs to go! 

 

••

There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer
scientist sitting around late one evening, and they
discussed which the oldest profession was.
The doctor pointed out that according to Biblical
tradition, God created Eve from Adam's rib.
This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was
the oldest profession in the world.
The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the
Bible that stated that God created order from the chaos,
and that was most certainly the biggest and best civil
engineering example ever, and also proved that his
profession was the oldest profession.
The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, and
with a sly smile responded, "Yes, but whom do you think
created the chaos?"

 

••

"Young man," said the judge, looking sternly at the
defendant.
"It's alcohol and alcohol alone that's responsible for your
present sorry state!"
"I'm glad to hear you say that," replied Murphy,
with a sigh of relief.
"Everybody else says it's all my fault!"

 

••

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin.
Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

 

••

THOUGHT OF THE DAY:
"What you leave behind is not what is engraved in
stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives
of others."

 

••••