••

 

••

♥

On my way to a picnic, I stopped at a fast food place to
order a quart of potato salad.
"We don't sell it by the quart," the clerk snapped.
"Okay, then give me two pints, please," I replied.
I'm proud to say I held my tongue when she asked,
"Do you want it in one container?"

 

••

A customer calls to the waiter, whats this fly doing in my
soup?
The waiter says,i'm sorry sir, it must have passed out when
it got too close to the cooks armpit.....

 

•• 

Trying to do my share to help the environment,
I set up a trash basket at my church and posted above it
this suggestion: "Empty water bottles here."
I should have been a little more specific, because when I
went to check it later, I didn't find any bottles in it.
But it was full of water.

 

••

A guy found a magic lamp and, naturally, he rubbed it.
A genie popped out and said, "I'll grant you any wish you want."
 The guy thought and thought, and finally gave his answer.
"I want to be hard all the time and get all the ass I want."
"As you wish," replied the genie.
So the genie turned him into a toilet seat.

 

••

The first year student had just gotten a beat up old
VW beetle from his parents.
He took it for a spin but misjudged the curve and overturned
the car directly between the house of Mr. and Mrs. Smith
and Mr. and Mrs. Balls.
luckily, he was pulled out by the Smiths.

 

••

A while ago I signed myself into one of those institutions
that gradually wean you off of your need for money to the
point that, if you don't have any - you don't care.
 ...I got married.

 

•• 

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can
hear what I say.
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

 

••

What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra....

 

••

Two Irish brothers Mick and Paddy have made a promise to
their uncle.
They had an Uncle Seamus who was a seafaring gent all his
life and before he passed away, he made the boys promise
to bury him at sea.
Of course he did pass away and the "boys" remembered to
keep their promise.
So off they set with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial
bag and loaded onto their rowing boat.
After a while Mick says, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out,
Paddy?"
Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to be
standing in water up to his knees.
"Dis'll never do Mick, let's row some more".
After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but
the water is only up to his belly, so on they row.
Again Mick asks Paddy, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out
Paddy?"
Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost
immediately says, "No dis'll neva do".
The water was only up to his chest.
So on they row and row and row when finally Paddy slips
over the side and disappears!
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting
himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the
surface gasping for breath.
"Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?"
"Aye it tis! Can yer hand me da shovel."

 

••••

••

 

••

♥

The human body has 7 trillion nerves.......
my wife manages to get on every one of them.

 

••

While filling up at a gas station, I accidentally spilled
gasoline on my shirt.
When I went inside to pay, I noticed a woman crinkling
her nose.
Embarrassed, I tried to put her mind at ease.
“If you smell gas,” I said, “it’s me.”

 

••

Don't tell me the sky's the limit, when there are
footprints on the moon.....

 

••

An Emergency Call Centre worker in London has been
dismissed from her job, much to the dismay of colleagues
who are reportedly unhappy with her treatment.
It seems a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone
stating, "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track.
I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah."
Apparently "remain calm and stay on the line" was not
considered to be an appropriate or correct response...

 

••

Advertising Rule: In writing a patent-medicine advertisement,
first convince the reader that he has the disease he is reading
about; secondly, that it is curable.

 

••

Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation.
Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.

 

••

Albert: "My doctor advised me to stop playing golf".
 Ron: "Why is that? Did he look at your elbows?"
 Albert: "No, just my scoreboard."

 

••

A young man tutored his sweetheart maths,
he thought of it as his mission.
He kissed her once then once again and said
"There, that's addition!"
She took it upon herself to return the pleasant action,
she kissed once and once again,
smiled and said "and that's subtraction!"

Now she'd learned the basics without too much complication,
they kissed each other once, then twice,
and said "that must be multiplication!"
Meanwhile the young lady's father had this 'lesson' in his vision..
He kicked that boy ten foot out the door and said
 "Then that is long division!"

 

••

“Mischievous lambs post their videos on Ewe Tube.”

 

••

I took a woman back to my house the other night.
"Why are all of these photos turned the other way?"
she asked confused.
"They're pictures of my wife," I replied.
"They're just too painful to look at."
"Oh, I'm sorry," she apologised.
"I never knew, how did it happen if you don't mind me
asking?"
"Both of her parents were ugly," I replied.

 

••

We call our grandad spiderman.
He hasn't got any superpowers he just finds it difficult to
get out of the bath.
••••

 

 

#1963

••

 

••

♥

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging

the paper.

 

••

They sell book lights now, a little spotlight you attach to

your book.
You know, I actually thought about buying one of these,
and then I remembered, I own a lamp....

 

••

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends

and is now growing in the middle.

 

••

The other day, Bill's wife asked him to go to the video

store and get 'Scent of a Woman'.
She hit him over the head when he came back with
'A Fish Called Wanda'.

 

••

A man walks into a doctor's office.

He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and
a banana in his right ear.
 "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

 

••

A very young couple exhibiting signs of extreme

nervousness timidly approached the check-in desk of a
large hotel.
"Good evening, sir," said the official behind the desk,
favouring the young man with a perceptive wink.
"Suite 16?"
"Oh, no!" the young man responded quickly.
"She's eighteen."

 

••

Why was Snow White kicked out of Disney Land?

She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face and saying
'Lie you bastard, lie!'

••

I know it's disgusting, but I just had to show my wife the

biggest shit I've ever done.
"Gus!" she shrieked..... "Take it back to the toilet".

 

••

Every time the man next door came toward Robinson's
house, Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something.
"He won't get away with it this time," muttered Robinson
to his wife.
"Watch this."
"Err hi... I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this
morning?" the neighbor began.
"Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Robinson with a smug look,
"but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."
"In that case," said the neighbor, "you won't be using your
golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"

••••

••

 

••

♥

 

Donna, the Hollywood actress had a puzzled expression as
the young groom carried her across the threshold.
As soon as he lowered her, Donna asked, "This place seems
to be familiar...... Have we been married before?"

 

••

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an
Irish funeral?..... One less drunk.

 

••

Faster than a speeding bullet...more powerful than a
locomotive...able to leap tall buildings in a single bound...
yes, these are some of Chuck Norris' warm-up exercises.

 

••

Our first day at a resort, my wife and I decided to hit the
beach.
When I went back to our room to get something to drink,
one of the hotel maids was making our bed.
I grabbed my cooler and was on my way back out when
I stopped at the door and asked, "Can we drink beer on
the beach?"
"Sure," the maid replied, "but I have to finish the rest
of the rooms first."

 

••

All women want is a man to take them by the hand.
All men want is a woman to shake them by the gland.

 

••

A man goes to the doctors.
The doc checks him over, and says "Sorry mate, but you
have got Yellow 24, a nasty virus, so called as it turns your
blood yellow and you only have 24 hours to live.
There's nothing I can do for you - just go home and enjoy
your final precious moments on earth."
 So he trudges home to wifey, and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to accompany her to bingo that
evening so he can experience her idea of a night out,
as he's never been there before.
He gets his first card and wins four corners - prize $350,
and then gets any line and wins $3200.
He also calls for a full house - and wins a thousand big ones.

Then the National Grid comes up

and he wins a further $380,000.
 The bingo caller gets him on stage, and says "Son -
I've never seen you in here in all my life, but you won four
corners, any line, full house and the National Grid -
I've never met anyone so lucky."
 "LUCKY!?" he screamed, "LUCKY!?
I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24."
"Well bugger me," says the bingo caller.
"You've won the raffle as well!"

 

••

I stopped smoking reefer because I started thinking, if great
men throughout history had smoked reefer, no tellin what
would have happened.
Like if somebody like Martin Luther King Jr. had smoked
reefer, he would have been giving speeches like, I had a
dream, but the hell if I could remember what it was about.
It was either about freedom or Fritos.

 

••

My 12 year old son asked me why oysters are aphrodisiacs.
"Not sure son, maybe because they smell like fannies".
"Ugh, is that what mum's is like?"
"You tell me" I replied "you were the last one near it!"

••••

••

 

••

♥

My missus was absolutely livid this morning.
She'd left a pair of her panties out on the line overnight
and found they`d been stolen.
She wasn`t that upset about the pants so much as the
fifteen clothes pins that went with them ......

 

••

There's one more terrifying fact about old people:
I'm going to be one soon.

 

••

love to pamper my girlfriend after she's had a stressful
day at work.
I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the
hot tap running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and
time everything perfectly so that, the moment she walks
through the door, the dishes are piled up and waiting for
her.

 

••

 A bar in R-ville got lots of interesting traffic.
Cars swerved into the parking lot, and the drivers would
run inside only to reappear minutes later looking confused.
One reason might have been the sign outside:
"Free Beer, Topless Bartenders, and False Advertising."

 

••

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother
making a cake and announced...
"I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours.
I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished."
 Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake,
Little Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!"
 Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"
Little Johnny replied, "Well, I heard Dad say, that in
order to get a piece around here, you gotta spend a couple
of hours playing first!"

 

••

What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig....

 

••

The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had
charged non-support.
He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $800 a
month for support."
 "Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole.
"And vunce in a while I'll try ta chip in a few bucks myself."

 

••

This city-slicker goes out to the country and visits a county
fair.
While he's there, he decides to buy a small pig.
He goes to a farmer and asks how much the piglets are.
"Five bucks a pound mister," the farmer says, "just
pick one out that you like.
Having made his selection, the farmer bends down, puts
the little pig's tail in his mouth, and lifts the pig off the
ground.
The farmer bobs up and down a few times, then puts the
pig down and says "fourteen and a quarter pounds at five
bucks a pound...that'll be seventy one twenty five."
"You must think I'm pretty stupid to fall for that routine,
why don't you go and get a proper scale" the man asks.
The farmer replies that there aren't any in town, and that
he and his family provide weighing services to all the
townfolk.
The city-slicker doesn't buy this, so the farmer calls his son
out.
The little boy puts the piglet's tail in his mouth, picks him
up, bobs up and down, and says "I reckon fourteen and a
quarter pounds dad."
The farmer tells the kid to go get his mother, saying
"she'll give you precisely the same measurement."
While the boy is gone, the farmer explains how the family
is known far-and-wide for their accuracy.
"Yep, we're calibrated once yearly by the local weights and
measures beureau..."
Minutes later, the little boy returns alone.
"What happened,"
the farmer asks, "where's your mom?"
"She can't come right now, pop" the boy replies, "she's busy
weighing the postman."

 

••

What do you get when Madonna is in a convertible?
A top that comes down easily!

 

••

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better
students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would
you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was outraged...... "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
The student then replied, "Okay.
I'd tell him `I hereby give and convey to you all and singular,
my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and
advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind,
juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full
power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give
the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds,
anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds,
instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the
contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"

 

••

Q: What happens if you cross a midget and a computer?
A: You get a short circut.

 

••••

 

# 1960

••

 

••

♥

Two guys are out drinking when one of them falls off his
barstool and lies motionless on the floor.
"One thing about Gus," his buddy says to the bartender.
"He knows when to stop."

 

••

If we aren't supposed to eat animals,
why are they made with meat?

 

••

Proof that you can't ever underestimate the creativity of boys
for mischief.
Considering all the brilliant, devious minds we had in high
school, I don't know how we missed doing this....
At a high school in Montana , a group of students played a
prank.... they let three goats loose inside the school.
 But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the
sides of the goats:
1, 2, and 4.
School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3.

 

••

I would add herbs to my food but I just don't have the
thyme.

 

••

Mr. Jones had gangrene on his left leg and had to have it
cut off so he went to the doctor to have the operation.
During the operation the doctorcut off the good leg by
mistake.
So then the doctor had to cut off the leg that had gangrene.
After Mr. Jones came out of the operation he noticed that
both legs had been cut off.
Mr. Jones called his lawyer and filed a lawsuit against the
doctor.
Well the doctor and his lawyer had a long talk and the
lawyer told the doctor he was in big trouble.
I'm not worried, said the doctor.
Mr. Jones doesn't have a leg to stand on.

 

••

A regular walks into a bar
and gets high fived in the face with a chair .

 

••

A drunk walks into a drugstore and asks for a bottle of
mouthwash.
"I’m not selling you that," says the druggist.
"You’ll drink it for the alcohol and get sick outside
my door!"
"Not true!" insists the drunk.
"I have my first date in over a year, and I want to make a
good impression."
"Oh, I’m sorry. Here."
The druggist takes a bottle of mouthwash off the shelf
and puts it on the counter.
The drunk stares at it....... "Got one that’s been refrigerated?"

 

•• 

Dad Couldn’t find the thingy that you use to peel potatoes and
carrots so he asked us kids if they’d seen it.
 Apparently she left yesterday!

 

••

Pisa Schitt was a very famous Italian car designer and
designed most Fiat cars.
Thus, when you hear a Fiat owner describing his car as that
"Pisa Schitt, Fiat"... you'll know immediately, he's referring
fondly to the designer.

 

••

Decided to try a vegetarian diet......
But the damn vegetarians keep outrunnin' me.

 

•••