••
♥
My missus was absolutely livid this morning.
She'd left a pair of her panties out on the line overnight
and found they`d been stolen.
She wasn`t that upset about the pants so much as the
fifteen clothes pins that went with them ......
She'd left a pair of her panties out on the line overnight
and found they`d been stolen.
She wasn`t that upset about the pants so much as the
fifteen clothes pins that went with them ......
••
There's one more terrifying fact about old people:
I'm going to be one soon.
I'm going to be one soon.
••
love to pamper my girlfriend after she's had a stressful
day at work.
I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the
hot tap running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and
time everything perfectly so that, the moment she walks
through the door, the dishes are piled up and waiting for
her.
day at work.
I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the
hot tap running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and
time everything perfectly so that, the moment she walks
through the door, the dishes are piled up and waiting for
her.
••
A bar in R-ville got lots of interesting traffic.
Cars swerved into the parking lot, and the drivers would
run inside only to reappear minutes later looking confused.
One reason might have been the sign outside:
"Free Beer, Topless Bartenders, and False Advertising."
Cars swerved into the parking lot, and the drivers would
run inside only to reappear minutes later looking confused.
One reason might have been the sign outside:
"Free Beer, Topless Bartenders, and False Advertising."
••
Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother
making a cake and announced...
"I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours.
I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished."
Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake,
Little Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!"
Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"
Little Johnny replied, "Well, I heard Dad say, that in
order to get a piece around here, you gotta spend a couple
of hours playing first!"
making a cake and announced...
"I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours.
I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished."
Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake,
Little Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!"
Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"
Little Johnny replied, "Well, I heard Dad say, that in
order to get a piece around here, you gotta spend a couple
of hours playing first!"
••
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig....
Piiig....
••
The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had
charged non-support.
He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $800 a
month for support."
"Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole.
"And vunce in a while I'll try ta chip in a few bucks myself."
charged non-support.
He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $800 a
month for support."
"Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole.
"And vunce in a while I'll try ta chip in a few bucks myself."
••
This city-slicker goes out to the country and visits a county
fair.
While he's there, he decides to buy a small pig.
He goes to a farmer and asks how much the piglets are.
"Five bucks a pound mister," the farmer says, "just
pick one out that you like.
Having made his selection, the farmer bends down, puts
the little pig's tail in his mouth, and lifts the pig off the
ground.
The farmer bobs up and down a few times, then puts the
pig down and says "fourteen and a quarter pounds at five
bucks a pound...that'll be seventy one twenty five."
"You must think I'm pretty stupid to fall for that routine,
why don't you go and get a proper scale" the man asks.
The farmer replies that there aren't any in town, and that
he and his family provide weighing services to all the
townfolk.
The city-slicker doesn't buy this, so the farmer calls his son
out.
The little boy puts the piglet's tail in his mouth, picks him
up, bobs up and down, and says "I reckon fourteen and a
quarter pounds dad."
The farmer tells the kid to go get his mother, saying
"she'll give you precisely the same measurement."
While the boy is gone, the farmer explains how the family
is known far-and-wide for their accuracy.
"Yep, we're calibrated once yearly by the local weights and
measures beureau..."
Minutes later, the little boy returns alone.
"What happened,"
the farmer asks, "where's your mom?"
"She can't come right now, pop" the boy replies, "she's busy
weighing the postman."
fair.
While he's there, he decides to buy a small pig.
He goes to a farmer and asks how much the piglets are.
"Five bucks a pound mister," the farmer says, "just
pick one out that you like.
Having made his selection, the farmer bends down, puts
the little pig's tail in his mouth, and lifts the pig off the
ground.
The farmer bobs up and down a few times, then puts the
pig down and says "fourteen and a quarter pounds at five
bucks a pound...that'll be seventy one twenty five."
"You must think I'm pretty stupid to fall for that routine,
why don't you go and get a proper scale" the man asks.
The farmer replies that there aren't any in town, and that
he and his family provide weighing services to all the
townfolk.
The city-slicker doesn't buy this, so the farmer calls his son
out.
The little boy puts the piglet's tail in his mouth, picks him
up, bobs up and down, and says "I reckon fourteen and a
quarter pounds dad."
The farmer tells the kid to go get his mother, saying
"she'll give you precisely the same measurement."
While the boy is gone, the farmer explains how the family
is known far-and-wide for their accuracy.
"Yep, we're calibrated once yearly by the local weights and
measures beureau..."
Minutes later, the little boy returns alone.
"What happened,"
the farmer asks, "where's your mom?"
"She can't come right now, pop" the boy replies, "she's busy
weighing the postman."
••
What do you get when Madonna is in a convertible?
A top that comes down easily!
A top that comes down easily!
••
The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better
students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would
you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was outraged...... "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
The student then replied, "Okay.
I'd tell him `I hereby give and convey to you all and singular,
my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and
advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind,
juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full
power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give
the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds,
anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds,
instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the
contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"
students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would
you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was outraged...... "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
The student then replied, "Okay.
I'd tell him `I hereby give and convey to you all and singular,
my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and
advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind,
juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full
power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give
the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds,
anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds,
instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the
contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"
••
Q: What happens if you cross a midget and a computer?
A: You get a short circut.
A: You get a short circut.
••••
