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••
♥
Donna, the Hollywood actress had a puzzled expression as
the young groom carried her across the threshold.
As soon as he lowered her, Donna asked, "This place seems
to be familiar...... Have we been married before?"
the young groom carried her across the threshold.
As soon as he lowered her, Donna asked, "This place seems
to be familiar...... Have we been married before?"
••
What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an
Irish funeral?..... One less drunk.
Irish funeral?..... One less drunk.
••
Faster than a speeding bullet...more powerful than a
locomotive...able to leap tall buildings in a single bound...
yes, these are some of Chuck Norris' warm-up exercises.
locomotive...able to leap tall buildings in a single bound...
yes, these are some of Chuck Norris' warm-up exercises.
••
Our first day at a resort, my wife and I decided to hit the
beach.
When I went back to our room to get something to drink,
one of the hotel maids was making our bed.
I grabbed my cooler and was on my way back out when
I stopped at the door and asked, "Can we drink beer on
the beach?"
"Sure," the maid replied, "but I have to finish the rest
of the rooms first."
beach.
When I went back to our room to get something to drink,
one of the hotel maids was making our bed.
I grabbed my cooler and was on my way back out when
I stopped at the door and asked, "Can we drink beer on
the beach?"
"Sure," the maid replied, "but I have to finish the rest
of the rooms first."
••
All women want is a man to take them by the hand.
All men want is a woman to shake them by the gland.
All men want is a woman to shake them by the gland.
••
A man goes to the doctors.
The doc checks him over, and says "Sorry mate, but you
have got Yellow 24, a nasty virus, so called as it turns your
blood yellow and you only have 24 hours to live.
There's nothing I can do for you - just go home and enjoy
your final precious moments on earth."
So he trudges home to wifey, and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to accompany her to bingo that
evening so he can experience her idea of a night out,
as he's never been there before.
He gets his first card and wins four corners - prize $350,
and then gets any line and wins $3200.
He also calls for a full house - and wins a thousand big ones.
The doc checks him over, and says "Sorry mate, but you
have got Yellow 24, a nasty virus, so called as it turns your
blood yellow and you only have 24 hours to live.
There's nothing I can do for you - just go home and enjoy
your final precious moments on earth."
So he trudges home to wifey, and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to accompany her to bingo that
evening so he can experience her idea of a night out,
as he's never been there before.
He gets his first card and wins four corners - prize $350,
and then gets any line and wins $3200.
He also calls for a full house - and wins a thousand big ones.
Then the National Grid comes up
and he wins a further $380,000.
The bingo caller gets him on stage, and says "Son -
I've never seen you in here in all my life, but you won four
corners, any line, full house and the National Grid -
I've never met anyone so lucky."
"LUCKY!?" he screamed, "LUCKY!?
I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24."
"Well bugger me," says the bingo caller.
"You've won the raffle as well!"
The bingo caller gets him on stage, and says "Son -
I've never seen you in here in all my life, but you won four
corners, any line, full house and the National Grid -
I've never met anyone so lucky."
"LUCKY!?" he screamed, "LUCKY!?
I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24."
"Well bugger me," says the bingo caller.
"You've won the raffle as well!"
••
I stopped smoking reefer because I started thinking, if great
men throughout history had smoked reefer, no tellin what
would have happened.
Like if somebody like Martin Luther King Jr. had smoked
reefer, he would have been giving speeches like, I had a
dream, but the hell if I could remember what it was about.
It was either about freedom or Fritos.
men throughout history had smoked reefer, no tellin what
would have happened.
Like if somebody like Martin Luther King Jr. had smoked
reefer, he would have been giving speeches like, I had a
dream, but the hell if I could remember what it was about.
It was either about freedom or Fritos.
••
My 12 year old son asked me why oysters are aphrodisiacs.
"Not sure son, maybe because they smell like fannies".
"Ugh, is that what mum's is like?"
"You tell me" I replied "you were the last one near it!"
"Not sure son, maybe because they smell like fannies".
"Ugh, is that what mum's is like?"
"You tell me" I replied "you were the last one near it!"
••••
