••
♥
On my way to a picnic, I stopped at a fast food place to
order a quart of potato salad.
"We don't sell it by the quart," the clerk snapped.
"Okay, then give me two pints, please," I replied.
I'm proud to say I held my tongue when she asked,
"Do you want it in one container?"
order a quart of potato salad.
"We don't sell it by the quart," the clerk snapped.
"Okay, then give me two pints, please," I replied.
I'm proud to say I held my tongue when she asked,
"Do you want it in one container?"
••
A customer calls to the waiter, whats this fly doing in my
soup?
The waiter says,i'm sorry sir, it must have passed out when
it got too close to the cooks armpit.....
soup?
The waiter says,i'm sorry sir, it must have passed out when
it got too close to the cooks armpit.....
••
Trying to do my share to help the environment,
I set up a trash basket at my church and posted above it
this suggestion: "Empty water bottles here."
I should have been a little more specific, because when I
went to check it later, I didn't find any bottles in it.
But it was full of water.
I set up a trash basket at my church and posted above it
this suggestion: "Empty water bottles here."
I should have been a little more specific, because when I
went to check it later, I didn't find any bottles in it.
But it was full of water.
••
A guy found a magic lamp and, naturally, he rubbed it.
A genie popped out and said, "I'll grant you any wish you want."
The guy thought and thought, and finally gave his answer.
"I want to be hard all the time and get all the ass I want."
"As you wish," replied the genie.
So the genie turned him into a toilet seat.
A genie popped out and said, "I'll grant you any wish you want."
The guy thought and thought, and finally gave his answer.
"I want to be hard all the time and get all the ass I want."
"As you wish," replied the genie.
So the genie turned him into a toilet seat.
••
The first year student had just gotten a beat up old
VW beetle from his parents.
He took it for a spin but misjudged the curve and overturned
the car directly between the house of Mr. and Mrs. Smith
and Mr. and Mrs. Balls.
luckily, he was pulled out by the Smiths.
VW beetle from his parents.
He took it for a spin but misjudged the curve and overturned
the car directly between the house of Mr. and Mrs. Smith
and Mr. and Mrs. Balls.
luckily, he was pulled out by the Smiths.
••
A while ago I signed myself into one of those institutions
that gradually wean you off of your need for money to the
point that, if you don't have any - you don't care.
...I got married.
that gradually wean you off of your need for money to the
point that, if you don't have any - you don't care.
...I got married.
••
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can
hear what I say.
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can
hear what I say.
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
••
What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra....
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra....
••
Two Irish brothers Mick and Paddy have made a promise to
their uncle.
They had an Uncle Seamus who was a seafaring gent all his
life and before he passed away, he made the boys promise
to bury him at sea.
Of course he did pass away and the "boys" remembered to
keep their promise.
So off they set with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial
bag and loaded onto their rowing boat.
After a while Mick says, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out,
Paddy?"
Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to be
standing in water up to his knees.
"Dis'll never do Mick, let's row some more".
After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but
the water is only up to his belly, so on they row.
Again Mick asks Paddy, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out
Paddy?"
Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost
immediately says, "No dis'll neva do".
The water was only up to his chest.
So on they row and row and row when finally Paddy slips
over the side and disappears!
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting
himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the
surface gasping for breath.
"Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?"
"Aye it tis! Can yer hand me da shovel."
their uncle.
They had an Uncle Seamus who was a seafaring gent all his
life and before he passed away, he made the boys promise
to bury him at sea.
Of course he did pass away and the "boys" remembered to
keep their promise.
So off they set with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial
bag and loaded onto their rowing boat.
After a while Mick says, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out,
Paddy?"
Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to be
standing in water up to his knees.
"Dis'll never do Mick, let's row some more".
After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but
the water is only up to his belly, so on they row.
Again Mick asks Paddy, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out
Paddy?"
Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost
immediately says, "No dis'll neva do".
The water was only up to his chest.
So on they row and row and row when finally Paddy slips
over the side and disappears!
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting
himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the
surface gasping for breath.
"Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?"
"Aye it tis! Can yer hand me da shovel."
••••
