••

 

••

♥

James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the
Terminator.
However, upon reflection, he realized that would
have turned his movie into a documentary,
so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger..

 

••

Q: What happens when you mix Viagra with
Mr. Clean?
A: Rise and shine.

 

••

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me,
love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house,
pet me, and take good care of me...
They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me,
love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house,
pet me, and take good care of me...
 I must be a God!

 

••

What is the difference between the short income tax
forms and the long ones?
Easy, if you use the short form, the government
takes your money.
If you use the long form, your accountant gets your
money.

 

••

Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore.
So he decided to take it's shell off to reduce it's weight
More aerodynamic. it didn't work, if anything it made
him more sluggish.

••
For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made
in the US to individuals and families with income
below a level.
The following quotations are taken from actual
letters received by the Welfare Department in
applications for support of receiving payments.
 * I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6
children. 
I had seven but one died which was baptized on a
half sheet of paper.
 * I am writing the welfare department to say that
my baby was born two years old.
When do I get my money?
 * Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years
and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
 * I cannot get sick pay.
I have six children can you tell me why?
 * I am glad to report that my husband who is
missing is dead.
 * This is my eighth child.
What are you going to do about it.
 * Please find for if my husband is dead.
The man I am now living with can't do anything
until he knows.
 * I am very much annoyed to find out that you
have branded my son illiterate.
This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before
he was born.

 

••

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on
each other -- so now it's just a waiting game

 

••••

 

 

#1875

••

 

••

♥

 

Top 10 Signs you Smoke too much....
 10. In the middle of smoking a cigarette,
you pause for a "cigarette break."
 9. Your birthday is a state holiday in North Carolina.
 8. Your title for the Surgeon General:
Captain Bringdown."
 7. Cracking your knuckles leaves you winded.
 6. Morning schedule: Wake up, cough for three
hours, take nap.
 5. In your neighborhood, they give directions by
saying.
"Go down to the big pile of cigarette butts...".
 4. You get mattress fires more often than haircuts.
 3. You smoke during making out.
 2. You refer to nonsmokers as "pink-lunged sissy boys."
 1. You explain to the nurse that you didn't realize
you were in a "nonsmoking" iron lung..

 

••

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him,
"do you want the winner of the next race?"
 Paddy replies "no tanks, I've only got a small yard."

••
Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: I was mugged on the way to school and the
mugger took everything I had...

 

••

Did you ever notice?
When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together
it spells: "THEIRS."

 

••
Isn't it appropriate that the month when the taxes
are due begins with April Fool's Day and ends with
cries of "May Day!"?

••
We spend the first twelve months of our children's
lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next
Twenty-four years telling them to sit down and shut
up....

 

••

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out
of it.
He phones the police and says "Bejesas I've just
found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?,
Paddy says "No I tink it's beef"...

 

••

Doses of viagra;
*  New Girlfriend: No Need.
* Old Girlfriend: Half Tablet.
* Mistress: 1 Tablet.
* Wife: 2 Tablets + Blue Film + Whisky + Will Power..

••
I got a new job at a car dealership and my
mother-in-law asked for a compact form of
transportation for Christmas......
I bought her a whisk broom.

••
When I asked the man how he became a ditch-digger,
he said he just fell into it.

 

••

Dear World,
 Please stop freaking out about 2012.
 Our calendars end there because some Spanish
 dirtbags invaded our country and we got a little busy, ok?
 Sincerely, The Mayans..

 

••.

"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning,
"I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"
Her husband looked up from the newspaper and
commented, "I'm not surprised:
You've been giving me a piece of it every day for
twenty years!"

♦♦♦♦

 

••

 

••

♥

Useless knowledge;
A shrewdness of apes
A troop of baboons
A shoal of bass
A sleuth or sloth of bears
A sounder of boars
An army of caterpillars
A clowder or clutter of cats
A brood or peep of chickens
A clutch or chattering of chicks

 

••

I just got a new pair of pajama pants that have
pockets; which is great, because I used to have to
hold stuff while I slept.

 

••

I went to a fight the other night and a hockey
game broke out.

 

••

I went to my dentist and said "Doc, my teeth are
turning yellox.
What should I do?"
He said "Wear a brown tie."

 

••

BILL GATES in a restaurant.
After eating, he gave 5$ to the waiter as a tip.
The... waiter had a strange look on his face after
the tip.
Gates realized & asked.What happened?
Waiter: I'm just amazed Bcoz on the same table ur
son gave Tip Of... 500$...& u his Father, richest man
in the world Only Gave 5$...?
Gates Smiled & Replied With Meaningful words:
"He is Son of the world's richest man,
but i am the son of a wood cutter..."

 

••

What do you call a fat psychic?
 A four chin teller.

 

••

A couple, both bona fide rednecks, had 9 children.
They went to the doctor to see about getting the
husband 'fixed'.
The doctor gladly started the required procedure
and asked them what finally made them make the
decision.
Why after nine children would they choose to do this.
The husband replied that they had read in a recent
article that one out of every ten children being born
in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't
want to take a chance on have a Mexican baby
because neither of them could speak Spanish.

••
Did you hear about the guy who found out the
secret to making women happy?
 No, neither did I.

 

••••

••

 

••

♥

Useless knowledge;
Banging your head against a wall can burn up to
150 calories per hour.

 

••

I date this girl for two years,
and then the nagging starts:
'I wanna know your name!'

 

••

Ray shows up at the bar all out of breath, so Dewey
asks him what the hell is wrong with you?
So Ray says "Ive been running from the cops but I
finally lost them".
Dewey then asked "what the hell did you do?"
Ray replied " I was pissing in the shower and the
cops showed up to arrest me!"
"Thats not against the law" said Dewey.
"Thats what I thought," said Ray.
"But those guys at Home Depot sure must of
thought it was"

 

••

I'm starting to think that I drink too much.
The last time I gave a urine sample, there was an
olive was in it.

 

••

I went to my podiatrist to have a bunion removed.
When the treatment ended, I asked if another
appointment would be necessary.
He said, "No, but if you experience any discomfort,
you should callous back."

••

A patron at a restaurant was continually bothering
the waiter about the air conditioning:
first he would ask for the air conditioning to be
turned up because it was too hot, then he would
ask it be turned down because it was to cold,
this went on for about a half an hour.
To the surprise of the rest of the customers, the
waiter was very patient, walking aback and forth
and very pleasant.
So finally a customer asked; why don’t you just
throw out the pest?
“Oh, I don’t care,” said the waiter with a grin,
we don’t even have an air conditioner.”

 

••

This guy I worked for used to get an attitude with
rude customers.
I'd hear him say stuff to a customer over the phone
like "Sir, I've got one nerve left, and you're gettin' on
it."

••
What's the difference between men and horny alley
cats?
Men are taller.

 

••

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his
coworkers.
Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro
for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing
whatever of the game.
The pro showed him the stance and swing,
then said: "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the
first green."
 The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight
down the fairway and onto the green, where it
stopped inches from the hole.
 "Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.
 "Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup,"
the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.
 "Oh great! NOW you tell me." said the beginner.

••

♥

 

 

••

 

••

♥

 

For the "Tide" Lovers...
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from
a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen,
so that when you remove the garment from the
washing machine you can easily locate the area of
the stain and check that it has gone.

 

••

Final confirmation that Osama is indeed dead:
his name turned up on the voting rolls in Chicago.

 

••

Islamic quote;
"If you have a goat, do not beat it.
If you beat it, you do not have a goat ,
you have a wife." ~Al fukeda fukbarenajaad~

 

••

What’s wrong, Doctor? You look puzzled.”
“I can’t figure out exactly what’s wrong with you.
I think it’s the result of heavy drinking.”
“Well then, I’ll just come back when you’re sober.”

 

••

In an effort to watch my cholesterol, I eat Spam Lite.

 

••

A married woman has a lover.
It’s no secret, her husband and all there friends
know about it.
One day, the woman suddenly dies.
At the funeral, to the embarrassment of all, the
boyfriend is there and is crying hysterically.
Finally, the husband can't take anymore of it.
He approaches the man, puts his arms around him
and says "Please don't carry on like this.
I'll marry again.

 

••

A man at the airline counter tells the rep.
“I’d like this bag to go to Berlin, this one to California,
and this one to London.
 The rep says, “I’m sorry sir..... We can’t do that.”
The man replied: Nonsense.
That is what you did last time I flew with you.

 

••

New Baby Greeting Cards.....
They have a section called, New Baby.
I don't think you need the word new.
They'd have to clear up confusion.
Do you have an Old Baby section?
Cause my friends had a baby, and I let time get
away from me, and he's 12..

 

••

Doctor's say I have a multiple personality,
but we don't agree with that.

 

••••

 

 

••

 

••

♥

To all those who received a book from me as a
Christmas present...
 They are due back at the library today.

 

••

I managed to crossbreed a centipeid and a turkey...
Drumsticks for everyone!

 

••

Spanish captain was walking on his ship...
A soldier rushes to him and says, "One enemy ship
is approaching us!"
Captain replies calmly, "Go get my red shirt"
The soldier gets the shirt for the captain.
The enemy ship comes in, heavy rounds of fire are
exchanged.
Finally, the Spaniards win.
Soldier asks, "Congrats sir, but why the red shirt?"
Captain replies, "If i got injured, then my blood
shouldn't be seen, as i didn't want my men to loose
hope."
Moral: For success, hope is very important.
Just then, another soldier,
"Sir, we just spotted another TWENTY enemy ships!"
The captain calmly replies,
"Go bring my yellow pants"

 

••

Two nuts are sitting next to each other at the asylum.
One turns to the other and says,
"Why are we all here?"
Other nut shrugs his shoulders and replies,
"Cuz we're not all there."

 

••

When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper
than a lawsuit..... But not nearly as gratifying.

 

••

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting
their physicals.
During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to
discover that
both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized
penises.
"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file.
"Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had
one arm,  and when it came to getting us out of the
bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."

 

••

The wife's back on the warpath again,
she was up for making a home movie last night and
all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for
her part.

 

••

Dear Customers,
 Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
 Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies

••••