#1875

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Top 10 Signs you Smoke too much....
 10. In the middle of smoking a cigarette,
you pause for a "cigarette break."
 9. Your birthday is a state holiday in North Carolina.
 8. Your title for the Surgeon General:
Captain Bringdown."
 7. Cracking your knuckles leaves you winded.
 6. Morning schedule: Wake up, cough for three
hours, take nap.
 5. In your neighborhood, they give directions by
saying.
"Go down to the big pile of cigarette butts...".
 4. You get mattress fires more often than haircuts.
 3. You smoke during making out.
 2. You refer to nonsmokers as "pink-lunged sissy boys."
 1. You explain to the nurse that you didn't realize
you were in a "nonsmoking" iron lung..

 

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Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him,
"do you want the winner of the next race?"
 Paddy replies "no tanks, I've only got a small yard."

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Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: I was mugged on the way to school and the
mugger took everything I had...

 

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Did you ever notice?
When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together
it spells: "THEIRS."

 

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Isn't it appropriate that the month when the taxes
are due begins with April Fool's Day and ends with
cries of "May Day!"?

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We spend the first twelve months of our children's
lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next
Twenty-four years telling them to sit down and shut
up....

 

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Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out
of it.
He phones the police and says "Bejesas I've just
found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?,
Paddy says "No I tink it's beef"...

 

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Doses of viagra;
*  New Girlfriend: No Need.
* Old Girlfriend: Half Tablet.
* Mistress: 1 Tablet.
* Wife: 2 Tablets + Blue Film + Whisky + Will Power..

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I got a new job at a car dealership and my
mother-in-law asked for a compact form of
transportation for Christmas......
I bought her a whisk broom.

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When I asked the man how he became a ditch-digger,
he said he just fell into it.

 

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Dear World,
 Please stop freaking out about 2012.
 Our calendars end there because some Spanish
 dirtbags invaded our country and we got a little busy, ok?
 Sincerely, The Mayans..

 

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"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning,
"I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"
Her husband looked up from the newspaper and
commented, "I'm not surprised:
You've been giving me a piece of it every day for
twenty years!"

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