Good Morning... Friends...
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Useless Knowledge...
A blue whale can grow as long as 3 Greyhound buses and
heavier than 35 elephants.
Its tongue alone is the size of a small car and weighs as
much as an elephant.
While immense, a blue whale’s heart beats only nine times
per minute.
Yet blue whales can also produce extreme sounds of more
than 185 decibels, nearly twice as loud as a jumbo jet at
takeoff.

 

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No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the
brain is entirely fat.
Without a brain you might look good, but all you could do
is run for public office.

 

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Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a
bet.
The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside
of his pants.

 

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If anyone's wondering how the future of humanity is going,
my 3 year old son can unlock my  iPhone but still can't
figure out what a spoon is for.

 

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 "How come you're late?" asked....the bartender, as the
blonde waitress walked into the bar.
"It was awful," she explained.
"I was walking down Elm street and there was a terrible
accident.
A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the
middle of the street.
His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was
blood everywhere.
 Thank God I took that first-aid course.
 "What did you do?" asked the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep
from fainting!"

 

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"Politics is the art of looking for trouble,
finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly,
and applying the wrong remedies."

—Groucho Marx

 

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This girl said to me, "I have eyes just like my mom."
 "And you have breasts just like your dad......" I chuckled.
 She replied, "My dad doesn't have boobs!"
 I said, "Precisely."

 

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You know your grandparents are doing it when...
 A pair of edible Depends is found on bedroom floor.
 Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.
 Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of
"denture-burn".
 Granny is found cuffed to her walker.
 Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.
 You've just seen the photos in the "Beaver Hunt" section
of the May issue of Hustler.
 Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.
Their Craftmatic adjustable bed is set for "doggy style"

 

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Noah's diary: Day 39.
Unicorn pie is delicious!

 

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Miguel Rodriquez long suffered from insomnia.
It was a rare night that he slept more than an hour.
He had consulted numerous physicians in Mexico and the
United States but none had been able to help him.
Even the strongest sedatives could not give him a restful
night of sleep.
One day, Miguel met and fell in love with a beautiful
senorita named Esta Gonzales.
Now when he wants to sleep he just looks at her picture.
Miguel has known from his childhood that....
WHEN YOU SEE ESTA, YOU SLEEP.

 

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I hate control freaks.
They never listen to me.

 

A man stumbles up the driveway to his house at 6 in the
morning, barely able to stand on his feet.
He manages to reach the door but finds it locked and then
proceeds to knock.
 knock, knock, knock....
After a while his wife comes and opens the door, in a less
than a pleased mood.
"What possible reason could you have for coming home at
this hour!?"
Slurring and struggling to form words, but managing it in
the end the man replies...... "Breakfast!"

 

 

What's the best way to milk sheep?
Ask Apple......

 

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The farm had been mortgaged to give his daughter a
college education.
Now, driving home from the station after meeting her at
the train, farmer Johnson was greatly disturbed when his
daughter whispered, "I have a confession to make,
Paw - I ain't a virgin no more."
 The old man shook his head sadly.
"After all the sacrifices your Maw and I made to give you
a good education, you still say 'ain't!"
 

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Father: Jack, why do you drink so much water?
Jack: I have just had an apple, Dad.
Father: What's that got to do with it?
Jack: I forgot to wash the apple.

 

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Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing
one another for some time.
After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how
the other's husband was doing.
 "Oh! Ted died last week.
He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner,
had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in
the middle of the vegetable patch!"
 "Oh dear! I'm very sorry," replied her friend,
"What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."

 

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Ruff: "Dad, how do you feel about abortions?"
Dad: "Well, why don't you ask your sister?"
Ruff: "But I don't have a..."

 

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Sam had a date with an attractive young woman.
The next day someone asked him how things had gone.
"She uses too many four-letter words for me," was the reply.
"Really?"
"Yes," answered the Sam.
"All evening long she was saying "don't" and "stop" and
"quit that."

 

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DSL down today....
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I'm not much for pills, but I'm taking Ginkgo-Viagra.
I want to remember what sex was like.

 

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My father once told me, "Son, if you want people to listen
to what you have to say, claim it's something your father
told you."

 

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Three pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.
One said, "You know, since summer started I’ve been
having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church.
I’ve tried everything----noise, spray, cats----nothing seems
to scare them away. "
Another said, "Yes, me too.
I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic.
I’ve been had the place fumigated, and they still won’t go
away. "
The third said,"I baptized all mine, and made them
members of the church...haven’t seen one back since!"

 

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Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a
centipede?
A: A walkie-talkie, of course...

 

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Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and
eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!" And you know what they say
about men with big hands?
They have big feet too... LOL

 

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If the world were a logical place,
men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.

 

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People are asked to say 'cheese' when having their photo
taken because it turns the mouth up, making them smile.
In the 19th century, the fashion was for stern,
tight-mouthed expressions instead - one studio made
people say 'prunes' to achieve the desired effect.

 

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A redneck has determined that his son will be the first in
their family to go to college.
So he and the wife save every penny for years and when
the big day comes for junior to leave for school, the old
man is the proudest he's ever been.
After the first semester junior comes home for Christmas
break and the old man sits him down for a talk.
"Well, boy, you been at school for three months now,
I want you to tell me some of that fancy book learnin'."
 So junior says, "My favorite class is math, pa.
Just last week we learned a new formula...Pi r squared."
 At hearing this the old man screws up his eyes and smacks
his forehead, "Dog gone-it! I spent all that money on
schooling and all you can tell me is Pi r squared?
Why everybody know pie are round...CORNBREAD are
squared!"

 

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Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and,
when he grows up,he'll never be able to merge his car onto
the freeway.

 

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The Vicar asked if anyone in the congregation would like
to express Praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a Praise.
Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle
wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if
they could help him.."
 You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the
congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom
must have experienced.
 "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on,
"and every move caused him terrible pain".
"We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation,
and it turned out they were able to piece together the
crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire
around it to hold it in place...."
 Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and
squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible
surgery performed on Tom.
 "Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the
Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that
with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
 All the men sighed with relief.

 

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The Vicar rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had
something to say.
 A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom."
The entire congregation held its breath.......
"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

 

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I planted some bird seed.
A bird came up.
Now I don't  know what to feed it...

 

 

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You have to wonder about Osama bin laden.....
Whats worse:
The fact he was found and killed, or that he now has to
explain to a bunch of suicide bombers where their virgins
are. 

 

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You might be a red neck if you refer to the 5th grade
as "my senior year."

 

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My favorite band in high school was The Clash.
Remember The Clash?
They had this one song early on that my boys and I used
to use as our little greeting to each other.
We thought we were cool.
It was called, Stay Free.
We'd be like, Hey man, stay free.
Then one day, out of nowhere, it became a feminine
hygiene product.
We couldnt use it anymore.
Then we were like, Hey man -- you know.

 

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Jeff Dunham: I like Aquaman.
He can breathe underwater and talk to fish.
Melvin: Yeah, great.....
He has all the same powers as Spongebob.
Jeff Dunham: How about the Hulk?
Melvin: Why do you like the Hulk?
Jeff Dunham: Well, the angrier he gets, the stronger
he gets.
Melvin: Yeah, like every white-trash guy on Cops.

 

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My wife and I were dining out with our children one
evening.
Our four-year-old son caught the eye of a woman at the
next table who smiled at him, and he smiled back. 
When she got up to leave, we encouraged Roy
 to say goodbye. 
She leaned over and said, with a smile, "Good night,
young man."
Roy looked up at her, with an equal big smile, and said,
"Good night, old lady."

 

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Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light.
Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the
dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

 

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Q: Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?
A: The outside.

 

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A Yankee was driving through the south when he decided
he wanted to buy a pig.
He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to
buy a 100 pound pig.
The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and
picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth.
The farmer said, "This one will go a little over a 100".
Astonished the Yankee said, "Who are you trying to fool?
You can't weigh a pig that way".
The farmer laughed and called to his young son,
"Boy, come over here and weigh that pig for this man".
The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig by
its tail with his teeth.
Turning to his father the boy said, " This here pig weighs
about 100 pounds".
The Yankee was having no part of this so in order to
convince him the farmer told his son to go to the house
and get his mother so she could weigh the pig.
After a short delay the son returned and said, "Ma says
she will be right down after she's finished weighing the
mailman".

 

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Useless Knowledge;
The flying snake of Java and Malaysia is able to flatten
itself out like a ribbon and sail like a glider from tree to tree.

 

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Before performing a baptism, the priest approached
the young father and said solemnly,
"Baptism is a serious step....... Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied, "My wife has made
appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty
of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded.
"I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply.
"I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."

 

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Message to all Muslims:
China said that Mohammad loves it up the shitter.
Just try picking a fight with them......

 

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I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars
team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.
Stay strong brothers and sisters.
 

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When I changed jobs they told me I had to work out.
I was like, I don't wanna do that.
They gave me this trainer, and the dude was like...
The most important thing is, you can't eat late at night
or youll get fat.
And I'm like, Forget that, you supposed to eat late at night.
He was like, No you not.
I'm like, Well, why they put a light in the refrigerator?

 

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While vacationing, we were stopped on the road by a
police officer for exceeding the posted speed limit.
Trying to think of some way out of the predicament,
I said to the officer, "Do you realize how much money
we've spent in this area today?"
"Well" replied the officer, "you're about to spend a
little more."

 

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So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to
the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner.
As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes
looking back at him.
He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's
kitchen.
"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?"
Gramma asked him.
"I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma"
exclaimed Johnny.
"There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny.
He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt
no one.
Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"
"Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me
as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

 

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If electricity comes from electrons...
does that mean that morality comes from morons?

 

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After accepting an invitation to dance with a rather
prematurely balding man, Kate, 25 years of age,
wanted to lighten the mood and said, "Well, God was good
to you, gave you a handsome face and room for another
one."

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Useless Knowledge;
The humps on a camel’s back are not water.
They are actually huge heaps of fat and flesh that can
weigh as much as 80 pounds in a healthy camel.
But the backbone of a camel is straight, not curved.

      

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Last time I was on JetBlue, there was a dude next to me
who looked a little suspicious.
I was nervous.
He was watching a movie, though; so Im thinking,
Would a hijacker watch a movie?
Probably not, right?... But you know its a good movie if
you land, and hes like, Oh my God, I forgot to hijack the
plane.

 

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I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and
it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page
technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

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When a new dentist set up in town he quickly acquired
a reputation of being the 'Painless' dentist.
However a local little girl called Amber disputed his
claim.
'He's a fake!' Amber told her friends.
'He's not painless at all.
When he stuck his finger in my mouth I bit him -
and he screamed like anyone else.'

 

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Superman once watched an episode of Walker,
Texas Ranger.
He then cried himself to sleep.

 

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I'm just not good with computers.... I remain not good.
I had to call up the tech support guy this week,
get some help with the home computer.
He starts asking me questions, What kind of operating
system have you got there, sir?
Uh, electricity, I think.
Yeah, I've been plugging into my wall.
I've been having some luck with that...

 

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Jeff Dunham: Did you get the tattoo?
 Walter: Hell no.
 Jeff Dunham: Well if you had, what would you have
gotten?
 Walter: I would have gotten a beautiful womans face.
 Jeff Dunham: Ah, and where would you have put it?
 Walter: On my wifes face.

 

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People seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they
get older.
What are they doing? Cramming for finals?

 

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I disagree with Kay Jewelers.
I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more
kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
 

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A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a
butcher shop and steals a roast.
Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running
unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store,
do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from
the dog's owner?"
The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50.
Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check
for $8.50 Several days later the butcher opens the mail
and finds a bill from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.

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