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♥
I'm not much for pills, but I'm taking Ginkgo-Viagra.
I want to remember what sex was like.
I want to remember what sex was like.
••
My father once told me, "Son, if you want people to listen
to what you have to say, claim it's something your father
told you."
to what you have to say, claim it's something your father
told you."
••
Three pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.
One said, "You know, since summer started I’ve been
having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church.
I’ve tried everything----noise, spray, cats----nothing seems
to scare them away. "
Another said, "Yes, me too.
I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic.
I’ve been had the place fumigated, and they still won’t go
away. "
The third said,"I baptized all mine, and made them
members of the church...haven’t seen one back since!"
One said, "You know, since summer started I’ve been
having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church.
I’ve tried everything----noise, spray, cats----nothing seems
to scare them away. "
Another said, "Yes, me too.
I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic.
I’ve been had the place fumigated, and they still won’t go
away. "
The third said,"I baptized all mine, and made them
members of the church...haven’t seen one back since!"
••
Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a
centipede?
A: A walkie-talkie, of course...
centipede?
A: A walkie-talkie, of course...
••
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and
eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!" And you know what they say
about men with big hands?
They have big feet too... LOL
eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!" And you know what they say
about men with big hands?
They have big feet too... LOL
••
If the world were a logical place,
men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
••
People are asked to say 'cheese' when having their photo
taken because it turns the mouth up, making them smile.
In the 19th century, the fashion was for stern,
tight-mouthed expressions instead - one studio made
people say 'prunes' to achieve the desired effect.
taken because it turns the mouth up, making them smile.
In the 19th century, the fashion was for stern,
tight-mouthed expressions instead - one studio made
people say 'prunes' to achieve the desired effect.
••
A redneck has determined that his son will be the first in
their family to go to college.
So he and the wife save every penny for years and when
the big day comes for junior to leave for school, the old
man is the proudest he's ever been.
After the first semester junior comes home for Christmas
break and the old man sits him down for a talk.
"Well, boy, you been at school for three months now,
I want you to tell me some of that fancy book learnin'."
So junior says, "My favorite class is math, pa.
Just last week we learned a new formula...Pi r squared."
At hearing this the old man screws up his eyes and smacks
his forehead, "Dog gone-it! I spent all that money on
schooling and all you can tell me is Pi r squared?
Why everybody know pie are round...CORNBREAD are
squared!"
their family to go to college.
So he and the wife save every penny for years and when
the big day comes for junior to leave for school, the old
man is the proudest he's ever been.
After the first semester junior comes home for Christmas
break and the old man sits him down for a talk.
"Well, boy, you been at school for three months now,
I want you to tell me some of that fancy book learnin'."
So junior says, "My favorite class is math, pa.
Just last week we learned a new formula...Pi r squared."
At hearing this the old man screws up his eyes and smacks
his forehead, "Dog gone-it! I spent all that money on
schooling and all you can tell me is Pi r squared?
Why everybody know pie are round...CORNBREAD are
squared!"
••
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and,
when he grows up,he'll never be able to merge his car onto
the freeway.
when he grows up,he'll never be able to merge his car onto
the freeway.
••
The Vicar asked if anyone in the congregation would like
to express Praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a Praise.
Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle
wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if
they could help him.."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the
congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom
must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on,
"and every move caused him terrible pain".
"We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation,
and it turned out they were able to piece together the
crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire
around it to hold it in place...."
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and
squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible
surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the
Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that
with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief.
to express Praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a Praise.
Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle
wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if
they could help him.."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the
congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom
must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on,
"and every move caused him terrible pain".
"We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation,
and it turned out they were able to piece together the
crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire
around it to hold it in place...."
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and
squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible
surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the
Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that
with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief.
••
The Vicar rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had
something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom."
The entire congregation held its breath.......
"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."
The Vicar rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had
something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom."
The entire congregation held its breath.......
"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."
••
I planted some bird seed.
A bird came up.
Now I don't know what to feed it...
A bird came up.
Now I don't know what to feed it...
