Good Morning....
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♥

(future government employee)
A know-it-all agriculture student said to a farmer:
"Your methods are too old fashioned.
I won't be surprised if this tree will give you less than
twenty pounds of apples."
"I won't be surprised either," said the farmer,
"Actually...I would be surprised if it even gave me ten
pounds of apples.
This is an pear tree."

 

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I was sat at the bar waiting to meet a woman that

I'd been
chatting to over the Internet earlier,
when I got a tap on the shoulder.
"Are you Dave?" the woman asked with a smile.
"You're  gorgeous!" I burst out in delight.
"Yes, I am Dave."
 "That's brilliant," she replied.
"Theres some fat lass over there looking for you."

 

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A man came back to the dealer from whom he bought a
new car.
"I believe you gave me a guarantee with my car," he said.
"That’s right, sir," the salesman answered.
"During the warranty period we will replace anything that
breaks."
"Fine, I need a new garage door."

 

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"Exhaustipated".....
Here is a new word to add to your vocabulary.
It will be especially useful to us senior folks!
Exhaustipated: Just too tired to give a shit....

 

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I knocked at my neighbour's door today.
I said, "Quick, your dog's just been ran over out front."
"But, I don't have a dog?" he frowned.
"Ok then, your ugly girlfriend," I replied.

 

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"Did you hear that actress Reese Whatsername got stabbed?"
"Who, Witherspoon?"
"No, with a knife."

 

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"you're fat"
"it runs in the family"
"dude, no one runs in your family"

 

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According to a recent government publication...
A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
A billion dollars ago was late yesterday at the U.S. Treasury.

 

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The old man had died.
A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country
preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased,
what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband
and kind father he was.
 Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of
her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin
and see if that's your pa."

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Good Morning.....
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♥

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a
grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking
about with a coffin.
3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

 

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My dad was a staunch republican, voting the conserative
ticket until the day he died..
Now he votes democratic.

 

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A married couple was watching volleyball game
at a beach when the wife spotted a couple in the bleachers.
They were being very affectionate.
The girl was running her hands all over the boyfriend and
nibbling on his ear.
He had his hands on her chest.
 Looking at them, the wife said to her husband
"I don't know whether to watch them or the game."
 Husband said, "Better watch them!
You already know how to play volleyball."
And that is the last thing I remember saying... Doctor.

 

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Know what's ironic?
Getting hit by a Dodge .....

 

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I started smoking in high school.
I never thought I'd get hooked.
I always thought, by the time I graduate,
thats it: no more smoking.
But now I'm 33.
There's no way I'm ever going to graduate.

 

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I was upset with my wall climbing abilities,
I just couldn't seem to get a grip.

 

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A new scientific study has shown that drinking alcohol
and smoking cannabis can affect your short-term memory.
 It may also affect your short-term memory.

Funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible,
but 8 beers a day seems necessary.

 

Good Morning....Friends...
Hump day....
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♥

 

"How may I help you?" asked the psychiatrist.
"It's her," replied the man, nodding towards his wife.
"For the last six months she has thought that she's a lawn
mower."
"This is very serious," said the shrink frowning.
"Why didn't you bring her in sooner?"
"Well I wanted to, but my neighbor just returned her!"

 

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"Thank you for calling the Anger Management Helpline -
What the hell do you want"?

 

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Dear Justin Beiber haters,
I owe my life to Justin.
On January 5th, 2010 I was in a coma for 6 months after a
terrible car crash.
One day my nurse turned the radio on to Justin's song.
So I got up, and turned the feckin thing off.

 

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Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
The world owes you nothing.
It was here first.

 

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I thought I'd be nice and buy the wife some lingerie.
"Thanks honey but this is a girls training bra" she said,
"I know", I replied "i was hoping we could re-train yours,
they're down to your knee's"

 

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Two women are having tea. Says the first one, "Do you
always tell your husband when you have an orgasm."
"Oh my goodness, no!" says the second one.
"He doesn't want me calling him in the office too often."

 

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I've learned so much from my mistakes,
I'm thinking of making a few more.

 

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The leading manufacturer of imported vibrators is a
Japanese firm that calls itself Genital Electric.

 

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It's just too hot to wear clothes today....
Jack said to his wife as he stepped out of the shower,
what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed
the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

 

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Good Morning, Friends....

Makin Biscuits ??

Gotta be tough.....

 

 

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♥

I'm a walking storeroom of facts,
I've just lost the key to the storeroom.

 

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A man and wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking
around here and you should do it, because that is your job,
and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the
Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, " I can't believe that...... Show me."
So she fetched the Bible, opened the New Testament and
showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.............
 "HEBREWS"

 

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FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.
 

•
When the doctor said I suffer from alcoholism,
I thought that's bullcrap.
I really enjoy it.

 

••

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her
husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're A, B, C, D,
E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks, "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant,
Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely.
What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor
is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

 

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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out.
When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled
words on them.

 

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WHATEVER HITS THE FAN WILL
NOT BE DISTRIBUTED EVENLY.

 

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Brian Moore was driving his truck when he approached a
bridge with a sign saying 12 foot max.... headroom.
He slowed down wondering if he could drive under it or
not.
"I'll sure give it a try," he thought only to discover that his
truck got stuck underneath it.
Brian got back in his seat, poured out a cup of coffee and
lit a cigarette.
A cop arrived a short time later and knocked on the cab
door which Brian immediately opened.
"What do you think you are doing?" demanded the cop in
a sharp tone.
"Sure I'm having a tea break," replied Brian
"And what work do you do?" inquired the cop.
"I deliver bridges," replied Brian....

 

••

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend.
It's called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away
'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."

 

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Good Morning Friends, and Neighbors..
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♥

 

Didja' hear about the blonde who almost drowned in her
childs kiddy pool?
Someone put a "scratch and sniff" on the bottom of the
pool--so she did!!!

 

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I often quote myself.
I find it adds spice to the conversation.

 

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Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant
one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she
said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your
left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?"
She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.
Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

 

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Haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months,
I don't like to interrupt her.

 

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You can't,
1- You can't count your hair.
2- You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3- You can't breathe when your tongue is out.
Put your tongue back in fool.

 

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I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.

 

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The resurrection.....
At the Easter morning services the pastor of the Baptist
church had called all of the little children to the front of
the church.
Dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had them sit
around him.
 He said "Today is Easter and you all look so handsome
and beautiful.
Today we're going to talk about the resurrection.
Does anyone know what the resurrection is?"
One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor said
"Please tell us what the resurrection is".
 The boy, proud that he knew the answer, said in a clear
loud voice.....
"When you get one lasting more than four hours,
you gotta call a doctor!"
 It took a solid 10 minutes before the pastor could speak
and there was so much laughter going on that his sermon
was probably forgotten - but that boy's voice won't be.

 

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Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

 

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Good Morning...Friends....
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♥

A senior pastor said to his young assistant, I want you to
preach this morning.
But I haven't prepared, what will I preach, the young man
protested.
The senior pastor patted the young man on the shoulder
and said, the Lord will help you.
The young man frantically grabbed the nearest Bible,
and to his surprise, the sermon notes to a completed
sermon fell out.
So he stood confidently and delivered the polished
message to great reception.
After the service the senior pastor said to the young man,
that was MY sermon for tonight.
Now what am I going to do.
The young man smiled and said, the Lord will help you.

 

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I would lose weight......
but I hate losing...

 

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Ray said; Been in the new place for a week.
And haven't bought plungers yet... in case you were
wondering what kind of a risk-taker I am.

 

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You would not beleve what I saw in WalMart this
morning....... 300lbs. in spandex.
I got out of there before a seam gave way that would be an
ugly sight.

 

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If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go
through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump
through a hoop of fire.
They're trained for that!

 

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Useless knowledge:
Penguins have an organ above their eyes that converts
seawater to freshwater.

 

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Tourists in the Museum of Natural History were marveling
at the dinosaur bones.
One of them asks the blonde guard, 'Can you tell me how
old the dinosaur bones are?'
 The guard replies, 'They are 3 million, four years, and
six months old.'
'That's an awfully exact number,' says the tourist.
'How do you know their age so precisely?'
 The guard answers, 'Well, the dinosaur bones were three
million years old when I started working here, and that
was four and a half years ago!'

 

••

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to
wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room,
he shouted back to his wife, "What setting do I set the
washing machine on?" ...
 "It depends," She replied.
"What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "Atlanta Braves."...

 

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 During the Vietnam war, a Lieutenant asked a Marine
why he was falling back during a really fierce battle.
"Didn't you hear me say that we're outnumbered 4 to 1 ?"
The Marine replied, "I got my four Sir."

 

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Well, The weekends here.....
Good Morning....Friends..
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♥

A man was riding on a crowded bus, standing room only.
The bus stopped and an elderly lady got on carrying a large
picnic basket.
She stood right in front of the man and grabbed the
overhead rail so the picnic basket was above the man's
head.
Being a gentleman, he offered his seat to her.
She quickly declined as she was only going a short distance.
Soon the picnic basket began to leak.
The man felt something drop on top of his head.
As he looked up it hit beside his nose and ran down across
his lips.
He tasted it, looked up at the lady and asked, "Pickles?"
She replied, "No, no, puppies."

 

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This guy and his flat chested wife go to see a marriage
counsellor,the counsellor asks,"what seems to be the
problem?"
 "Well",the guy says,"Dolly Parton here thinks im too
sarcastic!"

 

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A passenger train is creeping along, slowly.
Finally it creaks to a halt.
A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.
"What's going on?" she yells out the window.
"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.
Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.
Within five minutes, however, it stops again.
The woman sees the same conductor walk again.
She leans out the window and yells, "What happened?
Did we catch up with the cow again?"

 

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An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns,
drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit
when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his
license plate.
The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again
even more slowly.
Another flash.
He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed.
Same result.
"This guy must have screwed up the settings,"
the off-duty officer thought.
A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the
mail, he discovered three traffic tickets-each for not
wearing a seat belt.

 

••

Man bought a lawnmower and took it home,
immediately seizing it.
Took it back to the dealer.
The dealer can see it didn't have oil in it.
So, he scratches his chin and says "uhmm hmm uhmm.
I see what's wrong right here.
You burned it up with oil."
The man indignantly replies "That's a lie!
I never put a drop in it!"

 

••

Bad day....
It could be worse if you were part of a company looking for
a bailout from the Obama administration and you weren’t
“too big to fail”.

••
The huge college freshman decided to try out for the
football team.
"Can you tackle?" asked the coach.
"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run
smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.
"Wow," said the coach..... "I'm impressed.
Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman.
He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds,
he had run a hundred yard dash.
 "Great!" enthused the coach.
"But can you pass a football?"
The freshman hesitated for a few seconds.
"Well, sir," he said, "If I can swallow it, I can probably
pass it."

 

••

 A guy at work went in for a competition and won a trip
to China.
He's out there now...trying to win a trip back!

 

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