Saturday, June 30, 2012

Good Morning...Everyone....
Still very Hot...

Call me old-fashioned but what I love best about the
Fourth of July is all of the flags.
Of course, they're all made in China but still it's the

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up -
they have no holidays.

Yesterday morning Facebook was temporarily offline,
leaving millions of workers unable to do anything except
their jobs.

 My boss is on to me
He just texted... "Send me one of your funny jokes, Pete."
I replied, "I'm working at the moment, I will send you one
He replied, "That was fantastic, send me another one."


 One day, shortly after having her 9th baby, the good
Irish lady ran into her parish priest.
He congratulated her on the new offspring, then said:
"But isn`t having nine babies a little much?"
 "Well," she said, "I don`t know why I get pregnant so
often, it must be something in the air."
 "Yes," said the priest, "your legs."


 Confucius says...
Man who eats many prunes gets good run for his money.

Barack Obama announced that his ObamaCare team
will be headed by Joe Biden.
The President admitted that the Obama health care team
has many problems to overcome, the biggest one being that
Joe Biden is heading the team.
If you're an illegal immigrant in Arizona hoping to become
a citizen so you can get free healthcare, this is the greatest
week of your life.

 A man walks into a bar and proclaims;
I’m feeling mean enough tonight to whip a bear!
Following that, a burly giant of a man walks over to him
and asks; and just what kind of a bear would that be?
The first man uses his thumb and forefinger to illustrate
his point as he responds; a liiiiitle bitty bear!

Friday, June 29, 2012

Good Morning.....

A golfer comes into the club house after a bad round.
The pro says, "It looks like it was a pretty rough day."
 The golfer replays, "You bet it was.
The best two balls I hit all day was when I was coming out
of the sand trap and stepped on the rake!"
Wife was dying.
Called husband to her bedside and asked, "How many cars
have you ordered to go to the cemetery?"
 "Four," he replied.
"Does that include the hearse?"
"Four is too many..... Cancel one."
"Whatever you say, darling."
"And I want you to promise me something else."
"Anything, darling."
"I want you and my mother to travel in the same car."
"But you know we haven't spoken to each other in ten years..."
"I know, but it's what I want.
Now promise me you'll do it."
"Well, okay, I'll do it, but let me tell you now,
it's going to ruin my whole day."

 What's the difference between a girlfriend and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.

I bumped into an old school friend today.
He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and
expensive sports car.
 Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said,
"She's beautiful, isn't she?"
I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
I said, "No, she's an optician."

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a
woman's sex drive by up to 90%.
 It's called wedding cake.

 I'm about three years into my relationship now and I've
started to have erection difficulties.
My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the
problem is.
She bought me some Viagra,
and I've bought her a treadmill.

Two female sprinters may have to do a coin toss after they
tied in an Olympic qualifying event.
The coin toss will last just a second, while NBC's coverage
of it will last about a day and a half.

Did you hear the one about the man who opened
a dry cleaning business next door to the convent?
He knocked on the door and asked the Mother
Superior if she had any dirty habits.

There was a big Twitter outage in the U.S. today.
Or as people at work put it, "Well, I guess I better get back
to Facebook."

The road by my house was in bad condition.
Every day I dodged potholes on the way to work,
so I was relieved to see a construction crew
working on the road one morning.
 Later, on my way home, I noticed the men were
gone and no improvement in the road.
But where the crew had been working stood a
new, bright-yellow sign with the words
“Rough Road.”

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Good Morning... Friends and Neighbors...


The International Olympic Committee announced today
that it has taken back the gold medal previously awarded
to American skier Lindsey Vonn and given it to U.S.
President Barack Obama.
 Olympic officials said Obama deserved the medal more
than Vonn because no one has ever gone downhill faster
than he has.

 Carpenter bees are a hoax......
I bought 50 of them and they haven't built a damn thing.
If people could hear the next five seconds after I hit end
on a call... I would have no friends..

Sally was seen going into the woods with a small package
and a large bird cage.
She was gone several days but finally she returned.
Her friend, Liz, had never seen Sally looking so sad.
Liz said, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of
Glad you got back okay, but you look so sad. Why?"
Sally replied, "Because I just can't get a man."
Liz said, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of
the woods."
"Don't be so silly, Sally said, "I know that.
I went in the woods because I needed something there that
would get me a man....... But I couldn't find it."
Liz said, "I don't understand what you're talking about."
Sally replied, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of
I took some dead mice and a bird cage."
"So, how's that gonna help you get a man?" asked Liz.
Sally said, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to
have a good pair of hooters."

 Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears,
some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.

Gas prices are expected to drop to around $3 a gallon by
this fall.
The price drop is the result of a complicated system.
It's called the election.

The motto of the Olympics is "Citius, altius, fortius" which
means "Faster, higher, stronger."
But it sounds more like the motto for Viagra.

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full
of golf balls and sat down next to a blonde woman.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging
Finally, after many glances from her, he said,
"It's golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a
very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her
curiosity any longer, she asked...
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Good Morning....Everyone....

Gus and Pete are out hunting deer.
Pete says, "Did you see that?"
"No," Gus says.
"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," Pete says.
"Oh," said Gus.
A couple of minutes later, Pete says, "Did you see that?"
"See what?" Gus asks.
"Are you blind?
There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."
A few minutes later Pete says: "Did you see that?"
By now, Gus is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"
And then Pete says: "Then why did you step in it?"

I was watching Survivor, & wondering why they wouldn't
kick off the skinny guy with the red shirt and funky hat....
he just kept screwing up.
Then I realized I was watching 'Gilligan's Island.'

As I left a meeting at a local hotel, I desperately gave
myself a personal TSA pat down.
I was looking for my car keys.
They were not in my pockets.
 A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.
Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.
 My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys
in the ignition but my theory is the ignition is the best place
not to lose them.
Her theory is that the car will be stolen.
As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying
 Her theory was right....... The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police.
I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys
in the car, and that it had been stolen.
 Then I made the most difficult call of all,
(after waiting some time to compose myself).
“Honey,” I stammered; I always call her “honey” in times
like these.
“I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”
 There was a period of silence.
I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her
“Idiot,” she barked, “I dropped you off!”
 Now it was my time to be silent.
Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”
She retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman
I have not stolen your car.”
 Yep it’s the golden years.

Grew up in a small town.... where the population
never changed.
Everytime a baby was born, a man left town.

I was standing in a bar in R-ville the other day and this
little Chinese guy comes in and stands next to me.
After awhile I said to him, "Do you know any of those
martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"
He gets this perturbed expression on his face and says
"No, and why hell you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee?"
"No", I replied.
"It's because you're drinking my beer, you little slanty-eyed

Gus: I don't see why you like professional sports so much.
Pete: Think about it. 
Where else can you boo a bunch of millionaires to their

The first ticket I got in Manhattan I thought was a misprint.
I'm like, No, this has got to be a mistake.
You put a quarter in the meter out there and it runs out,
its a $55 fine.
Thats a little excessive.
Now, I could see it if you parked in a handicapped persons
living room, but not for the meter running out.
It goes from 25 cents to $55.
Thats a 22,000% increase.

I just got back from a pleasure trip.
I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Good Morning...Friends

Democracy is that form of government where everybody
gets what the majority deserves.
Diplomacy is the ability to tell someone to "get lost" in
such a way that they look forward to the trip.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you find
a large enough rock.

Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.
Do someone a favor and it becomes your job.
Do whatever your enemies do not want you to do.
Doing a good job around here is like wetting your pants in
a dark suit; you get a warm feeling, but nobody notices.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced,
you cannot be promoted.
Don't be so open minded that your brain falls out.

A drunk comes home, stumbles into the kitchen and
prepares himself a cup of tea.
He then proceeds to carry it to the bedroom.
As he lies down next to his wife, holding the tea cup he
slurs, "Do lemons have little yellow feet?"
The wife looks at him: "No!"
"Damn!" he says.
"Then I squeezed the canary into my tea."

A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready
for bed.
The last time his mom told him, she was every insistent.
His response was, "Yes, Sir!"
Since he was talking to his mother (and she is a woman),
it was not expected of him to call her "Sir".
"You would say, 'yes sir,' to a man, I am a lady, and you
would say 'Yes Ma'am,' to a lady," Mom said.
To quiz him on is lesson; she then asked him, "What would
you say to Daddy?"
"Yes Sir!" was the reply
"Then what would you say to Mama?"
"Yes, Ma'am!" he proudly answered.
"Good boy! Now what would you say to Grandma?"
He lit up and said, "Can I have a cookie?"

If you think that MONEY can't buy you HAPPINESS,
then you aren't spending it right.

An elderly lady knocks on the door of the young couple
that had just moved into the building.
The husband answers.
"I heard that you're newlyweds, and just got back from
your honeymoon," she says.
"I have these two tickets to the theatre, and if you and your
wife would like to see a show, I'll give 'em to you."
"Thank you," the guy says,"my wife's in the shower,
I'll ask her."
He turns around calls out to his wife: "Hey, honey: would
you like to see Oliver Twist?"
"You show me one more trick with that damn thing,
"she calls back, "and I'm going home to my mother."

Two eggs, a sausage, and a pancake walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."

Terrorist In the wake of Bin Laden's death,
Radical Muslims have gone on a rampage in Southern
California, killing anyone who's a legal US citizen.
Police fear the death toll could be as high as 2 or 3.
I will keep you posted on future developments...


Monday, June 25, 2012

Good Morning....


New York City reached 102 degrees.
That's the first time all year the temperature in Manhattan
was higher than the age of Barbara Walters.

 Joe was a single guy living at home with his father and
working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when
his sick father died, he decided he needed a wife with
whom to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment seminar he spotted the most
beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her beauty took his breath away.
“I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her,
“but in just a few years, my father will pass, and I’ll inherit
his large fortune.”
Impressed, the woman took his business card and three
months later, she became Joe’s stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men!!

A House committee is now recommending that Attorney
General Eric Holder be cited for contempt of Congress.
Now, don't confuse that for what you and I have.
That's contempt FOR Congress.

President Obama tossed around a football at
Soldier Field, home of the Chicago Bears.
Obama told Biden to go long.
Then, he hopped into his car and drove away.

 An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch
in a desolated area.
Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong
horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled,
 "Pull, Nellie, pull!"
Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy
didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!"
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!"
And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious.
He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong
name three times.
"Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only
one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring
for Christmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend
of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those
new sports cars."
 "She did," he replied, "but where the heck was I
going to find a fake convertible?"

 I was furious when I found my wife's profile on an
on-line dating website.
That lying witch isn't, "Fun to be around."

There's a heat wave on the East Coast.
In New York City right now, the heat is driving the bees
This bee infestation is scary.
New Yorkers are tense, on edge, and ready to
snap at any second.
Then they found out about the bees.
If you're ever attacked by bees, here is what you have to
Stop, drop, and roll.
The bees will still sting you.
But it looks so funny when you're rolling around
with bees on you.

Experts say the most reliable way to make bees docile is
surround them with huge billows of smoke.
That's why Willie Nelson has never been stung by a bee.



Sunday, June 24, 2012

Good Morning...Friends..
Are we having fun yet??

An old Native American wanted a loan for $500.
He approached his local banker.
The banker pulled out the loan application, asking,
"What are you going to do with the money?"
"Take jewelry to city and sell it," said the old man.
"What have you got for collateral?" queried the banker,
going strictly by the book.
"Don't know of collateral."
"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost
of the loan.
Have you got any vehicles?"
"Yes, I have a 1949 Chevy pickup."
The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"
"Yes, I have a horse."
"How old is it?"
"I don't know; it has no teeth."
Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.
Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank.
He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here's the money to pay loan,"
he said, handing the entire amount including interest.
"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"
"Put it in my pocket."
"Why don't you deposit it in my bank?" he asked.
"I don't know of deposit."
"Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it
for you.
When you want to use it you can withdraw it."
The old Indian leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously
at the banker, and asked, "What you got for collateral?"

 Believe it or not, I just received a check from Medicare
for all of one cent.
Why, I don't know, but concerned that some arcane
regulation complete with penalty would apply for not
cashing a government check, I took it to the bank. 
The teller looked at the amount, checked the endorsement,
and then asked, "How would you like this, heads or tails?"

It's so hot that earlier today I saw a nun rolling an ice-cold
can of beer on her neck.

Two little old ladies were attending a rather long
church service.
One leaned over and whispered, "My butt is going
to sleep."
"I know," replied her companion, "I heard it snore
three times."

A housewife who owned a piano was sitting at it
and attempting to play it one day when the
doorbell rang.
She answered it and saw a man with a toolbox and
asked why he was at her door.
 "I'm the piano tuner" he says.
Stunned she tells him, "I didn't call for a piano
The man replies, "I know, your neighbors did".

Double standard or just wrong?
I was doing the gardening yesterday and glanced
over next doors fence and saw the lady sunbathing
topless, she reported me to the police and got me
charged for being a peeping tom.
 Today I went into the garden to do a bit of naked
sunbathing and she looked over the fence and saw
me naked, so I called the police to get her arrested
for peeping!
I got arrested for indecent exposure!!

After a young couple brought their new baby home,
the wife suggested that her husband should try
his hand at changing diapers.
 "I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."
The next time came around and she asked again.
The husband looked puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean
the next diaper...... I meant the next baby...!"

 I was talking with a blind guy the other day and asked
him what the most exciting thing he has ever done.
He told me Sky Diving... so I ask if he would do it again
and he said no.
I said why not?
He said it scared the hell out of his dog.