••
••••••
•••
♥
Gus and Pete are out hunting deer.
Pete says, "Did you see that?"
"No," Gus says.
"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," Pete says.
"Oh," said Gus.
A couple of minutes later, Pete says, "Did you see that?"
"See what?" Gus asks.
"Are you blind?
There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."
"Oh."
A few minutes later Pete says: "Did you see that?"
By now, Gus is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"
And then Pete says: "Then why did you step in it?"
Pete says, "Did you see that?"
"No," Gus says.
"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," Pete says.
"Oh," said Gus.
A couple of minutes later, Pete says, "Did you see that?"
"See what?" Gus asks.
"Are you blind?
There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."
"Oh."
A few minutes later Pete says: "Did you see that?"
By now, Gus is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"
And then Pete says: "Then why did you step in it?"
••
I was watching Survivor, & wondering why they wouldn't
kick off the skinny guy with the red shirt and funky hat....
he just kept screwing up.
Then I realized I was watching 'Gilligan's Island.'
kick off the skinny guy with the red shirt and funky hat....
he just kept screwing up.
Then I realized I was watching 'Gilligan's Island.'
••
As I left a meeting at a local hotel, I desperately gave
myself a personal TSA pat down.
I was looking for my car keys.
They were not in my pockets.
A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.
Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.
My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys
in the ignition but my theory is the ignition is the best place
not to lose them.
Her theory is that the car will be stolen.
As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying
conclusion.
Her theory was right....... The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police.
I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys
in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all,
(after waiting some time to compose myself).
“Honey,” I stammered; I always call her “honey” in times
like these.
“I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”
There was a period of silence.
I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her
voice.
“Idiot,” she barked, “I dropped you off!”
Now it was my time to be silent.
Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”
She retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman
I have not stolen your car.”
Yep it’s the golden years.
myself a personal TSA pat down.
I was looking for my car keys.
They were not in my pockets.
A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.
Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.
My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys
in the ignition but my theory is the ignition is the best place
not to lose them.
Her theory is that the car will be stolen.
As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying
conclusion.
Her theory was right....... The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police.
I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys
in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all,
(after waiting some time to compose myself).
“Honey,” I stammered; I always call her “honey” in times
like these.
“I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”
There was a period of silence.
I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her
voice.
“Idiot,” she barked, “I dropped you off!”
Now it was my time to be silent.
Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”
She retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman
I have not stolen your car.”
Yep it’s the golden years.
••
Grew up in a small town.... where the population
never changed.
Everytime a baby was born, a man left town.
never changed.
Everytime a baby was born, a man left town.
••
I was standing in a bar in R-ville the other day and this
little Chinese guy comes in and stands next to me.
After awhile I said to him, "Do you know any of those
martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"
He gets this perturbed expression on his face and says
"No, and why hell you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee?"
"No", I replied.
"It's because you're drinking my beer, you little slanty-eyed
man.
little Chinese guy comes in and stands next to me.
After awhile I said to him, "Do you know any of those
martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"
He gets this perturbed expression on his face and says
"No, and why hell you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee?"
"No", I replied.
"It's because you're drinking my beer, you little slanty-eyed
man.
••
Gus: I don't see why you like professional sports so much.
Pete: Think about it.
Where else can you boo a bunch of millionaires to their
faces?
Pete: Think about it.
Where else can you boo a bunch of millionaires to their
faces?
••
The first ticket I got in Manhattan I thought was a misprint.
I'm like, No, this has got to be a mistake.
You put a quarter in the meter out there and it runs out,
its a $55 fine.
Thats a little excessive.
Now, I could see it if you parked in a handicapped persons
living room, but not for the meter running out.
It goes from 25 cents to $55.
Thats a 22,000% increase.
I'm like, No, this has got to be a mistake.
You put a quarter in the meter out there and it runs out,
its a $55 fine.
Thats a little excessive.
Now, I could see it if you parked in a handicapped persons
living room, but not for the meter running out.
It goes from 25 cents to $55.
Thats a 22,000% increase.
••
I just got back from a pleasure trip.
I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
