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♥
A golfer comes into the club house after a bad round.
The pro says, "It looks like it was a pretty rough day."
The golfer replays, "You bet it was.
The best two balls I hit all day was when I was coming out
of the sand trap and stepped on the rake!"
The pro says, "It looks like it was a pretty rough day."
The golfer replays, "You bet it was.
The best two balls I hit all day was when I was coming out
of the sand trap and stepped on the rake!"
••
Wife was dying.
Called husband to her bedside and asked, "How many cars
have you ordered to go to the cemetery?"
"Four," he replied.
"Does that include the hearse?"
"Yes."
"Four is too many..... Cancel one."
"Whatever you say, darling."
"And I want you to promise me something else."
"Anything, darling."
"I want you and my mother to travel in the same car."
"But you know we haven't spoken to each other in ten years..."
"I know, but it's what I want.
Now promise me you'll do it."
"Well, okay, I'll do it, but let me tell you now,
it's going to ruin my whole day."
Wife was dying.
Called husband to her bedside and asked, "How many cars
have you ordered to go to the cemetery?"
"Four," he replied.
"Does that include the hearse?"
"Yes."
"Four is too many..... Cancel one."
"Whatever you say, darling."
"And I want you to promise me something else."
"Anything, darling."
"I want you and my mother to travel in the same car."
"But you know we haven't spoken to each other in ten years..."
"I know, but it's what I want.
Now promise me you'll do it."
"Well, okay, I'll do it, but let me tell you now,
it's going to ruin my whole day."
••
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
••
I bumped into an old school friend today.
He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and
expensive sports car.
Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said,
"She's beautiful, isn't she?"
I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my
girlfriend."
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
I said, "No, she's an optician."
He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and
expensive sports car.
Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said,
"She's beautiful, isn't she?"
I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my
girlfriend."
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
I said, "No, she's an optician."
••
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a
woman's sex drive by up to 90%.
It's called wedding cake.
woman's sex drive by up to 90%.
It's called wedding cake.
••
I'm about three years into my relationship now and I've
started to have erection difficulties.
My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the
problem is.
She bought me some Viagra,
and I've bought her a treadmill.
started to have erection difficulties.
My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the
problem is.
She bought me some Viagra,
and I've bought her a treadmill.
••
Two female sprinters may have to do a coin toss after they
tied in an Olympic qualifying event.
The coin toss will last just a second, while NBC's coverage
of it will last about a day and a half.
tied in an Olympic qualifying event.
The coin toss will last just a second, while NBC's coverage
of it will last about a day and a half.
••
Did you hear the one about the man who opened
a dry cleaning business next door to the convent?
He knocked on the door and asked the Mother
Superior if she had any dirty habits.
a dry cleaning business next door to the convent?
He knocked on the door and asked the Mother
Superior if she had any dirty habits.
••
There was a big Twitter outage in the U.S. today.
Or as people at work put it, "Well, I guess I better get back
to Facebook."
Or as people at work put it, "Well, I guess I better get back
to Facebook."
••
The road by my house was in bad condition.
Every day I dodged potholes on the way to work,
so I was relieved to see a construction crew
working on the road one morning.
Later, on my way home, I noticed the men were
gone and no improvement in the road.
But where the crew had been working stood a
new, bright-yellow sign with the words
“Rough Road.”
Every day I dodged potholes on the way to work,
so I was relieved to see a construction crew
working on the road one morning.
Later, on my way home, I noticed the men were
gone and no improvement in the road.
But where the crew had been working stood a
new, bright-yellow sign with the words
“Rough Road.”
