# 1295

Good Morning , Friends& neighbors...
The weather sure weird ot west....
We are getting some storms here,
but not anyway near as bad as they
have been getting....
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No, I had  some goodness...dummies....

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See, I had gravy and biscuits, with lots of sausage bits..

Which I like.....

now who's a dumbass??

Don't answer that....

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Yes, quite...often....

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Yep...you gotta watch them every minute....

Damn... he stays there...

likes were it's warm....

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Oh, NO!  why?

What did I do to you??

Oh, no....not my socks too??

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Well, I'm not.. they done messed my clothes up....

and your PLEASED?

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The "Garden Gnome" is not pleased...

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"Boss...we has got a problem.....

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Pete... Wanna rent this cabin?

Can let you have it cheap??

I don't know about you....

but I wouldn't touch it!

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♥♥♥

 The other night me and my girlfriend had an

argument just before bed.
She called me childish and said I have to sleep on the
couch.
But the jokes on her, because I built a fort out of the
cushions on the couch and i hung a "Girls Not Allowed"
 sign up.

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~~  An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on

Thanksgiving Day.

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~~  A Western Buddhist woman was in India, studying

with her teacher.
She was riding with another woman friend in a rickshaw-
like carriage, when they were attacked by a man on the
street.
In the end, the attacker only succeeded in frightening
the women, but the Buddhist woman was quite upset by
the event and told her teacher so.
She asked him what she should have done -
what would have been the appropriate,
Buddhist response.
The teacher said very simply, "You should have very
mindfully and with great compassion whacked the
attacker over the head with your umbrella."

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~~  Every time someone predicts the date of the end

of the world, God pushes the date back a little just to be
funny.

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~~  If, by some incredible space-time paradox,

Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win.
Period.

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~~  Friend: “I suppose you carry a memento of some

sort in that locket of yours?”
 Woman: “Yes, it’s a lock of my husband’s hair.”
 Friend: “But your husband is still alive.”
 Woman: “I know, but his hair is gone.”

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~~  While the choice of words might be off,

a pharmacy near Dover Air Force Base in Delaware is
doing its part to help soldiers serving abroad.
A sign in the store reads: Place suggestive items in
donation box to be sent to our soldiers overseas.

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~~  A Sunday school teacher challenged her children to take

some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God.
They were to bring back their letter the following Sunday.
One little boy wrote, “Dear God, We had a good time at
church today........ Wish you could have been here.”

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 ~~  Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth,

with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been
dropped out of a helicopter. - Dave Barry

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~~  During my first few weeks as a telephone-information

clerk for the local transit system, an inspector helped me
out by answering some calls while I listened on another
phone in order to learn the bus routes.
One caller asked what time the next bus would be at the
stop near his house.
Calvin, the inspector, told him it would be there in about
five minutes.
The gentleman asked which way the bus would be
travelling.
For some reason Calvin pointed his arm and said,
"That way!"
"Thanks," the caller replied and hung up.

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~~  An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman

were taking part in a survey about
tea-drinking habits.
'I always stir my tea with my left hand,'
said The Englishman.
'I always stir my tea with my right hand,'
said The Scotsman.
'Oh me?' said The Irishman, 'I always use a
spoon.'

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~~  Did you hear the one about the man who opened a

dry cleaning business next door to the convent?
He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior
if she had any dirty habits.

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Todays Thought:   "The secret of health for both mind and body is not to

mourn for the past, nor to worry about the future,
but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly."
 - Siddhartha Gautama 

Rae's Trivia.....Paul Winchell, the ventriloquist, was not only the voice

of Jerry Mahoney, Knucklehead, and Tigger in the
Winnie the Pooh films, he also invented the artificial
heart.
He donated the patent for it to the University of Utah.

Thunder storms again this evening....
Everybody getting ready for Memorial day?
Fire up the grills........
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Bacon sandwich this morning.....Pete?

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No squirrl for breakfast....

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Yeah, you had squirrl for breakfast.....

Hey....I gots plenty of them critters....

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Now...someone wants the Hamster?

Must be hungry.....

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Get outta the the jar....

and quit fooling around...

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Spy's.. around here??

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Now you pay.... Bubba....

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What hair?? 

done shaved it gone....

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Not a good place to park....

Don't wait to long to move it.....

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Later... I gotta go, I'm parked in the wrong place.....

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♥♥♥

~~  Petewete, fresh out of accounting school, went to a
interview for a good paying job.
The company boss asked various questions about him
and his education, but then asked him, "What is three
times seven?"
"Twenty-two," Petewete replied.
After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator
(he knew he should have taken it to the interview!) and
realized he wouldn't get the job.
About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was
hired for the job!
He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth,
but was still very curious.
The next day, Petewete went in and asked why he got
the job, even though he got such a simple question
wrong.
The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."

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~~  Pete goes into Domino's and orders a pizza,
when it is ready the girl asks him if he wants it cut into
6 pieces or 8,...
 oh cut into 6 he says i couldn't eat 8 pieces ..

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~~  There was a near tragedy at the local shopping
center recently.
A power outage left four blondes stranded on an
escalator for almost five hours

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~~  Sensitive Employee;
To show his appreciation, a newly hired Japanese office
worker bought his boss chocolates.
But when he found the box unopened, the insulted
worker went ballistic, destroying 22 computers.
"I wish the company president had cared a little more,"
the employee’s lawyer said.

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~~  The minister’s little six-year-old girl had been so
naughty during the week that her mother decided to
give her the worst kind of punishment.
She told her she couldn’t go to the Sunday School Picnic
on Saturday.
 When the day came, her mother felt she had been too
harsh and changed her mind.
When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic,
the child’s reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.
 “What’s the matter? I thought you’d be glad to go to the
picnic.” her mother said.
 “It’s too late!” the little girl said.
“I’ve already prayed for rain.”

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~~  Did you hear about the welsh girl who wanted
to get dirty with her boy friend......
he took her down a coal mine..

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~~  Funny wanted ad;
Coffin wanted.....
 Can’t pay my rent, I need a place to sleep.
 Would be ideal if its waterproof.
 Cheers.

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~~  Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

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~~  An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman bought
a bottle of good whiskey and marked The bottle into
three clear portions -
The one on the top for The Englishman,
The one in the middle for The Scotsman and The one on
The bottom for the Irishman.
They decided to go to bed and drink the whiskey The next
day.
However, when they got up the next morning,
the Englishman and the Scotsman were dismayed
to find that the whiskey was all gone.
So they woke the Irishman from his drunken slumbers
and asked him to explain.
'I felt like a drink during the night,' said the Irishman,
'so I got up and opened the bottle of whiskey, but I had
to drink through your two portions to get to my own.'

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~~Computers.
Hard to figure out and never have enough
memory.

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~~  I love playing Santa at the mall.
But parents often have trouble getting young children
to sit on my knee.
It took a lot of coaxing for one little girl to perch there,
so I got straight to the point.
"What do you want most of all for Christmas?" I asked.
She answered, "Down!"

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~~  Life Experience;
 Experience is a great teacher, especially if it’s someone
else who’s learning from his mistakes.
These are good examples.....
"When holding a DVD in one hand and food in the other,
remember which hand has what when you take a bite."

"When running errands where one stop involves going
to a bank and one involves dropping off a firearm,
drop off the firearm first."

"If you’re prone to impulse purchases, stick to shoes,
not tattoos."

"When attending a funeral, never clap after the eulogy,
regardless of how meaningful and heartfelt it was."

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Todays Thought:  "Courage is the most important of all the virtues,
because without courage you can't practice any other
virtue consistently.
You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing
consistently without courage." - Maya Angelou

Rae's Trivia..... Here's a couple for ya...

The expression three dog night originated with the
Eskimos and means a very cold night...
so cold that you have to bed down with three dogs to
keep warm.

The first rubber heel for shoes was patented on
January 24, 1899 by Humphrey O’Sullivan.
O’Sullivan, an Irish-American, found that his rubber heel
outlasted the leather heel then in use.

(((((((((O)))))))

 

Good Morning...Friends..
Weather man sez we'll have unsettled
weather for the next few days... meaning showers...
I have 69º this morning....
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Want some Donuts for breakfast??

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Or maybe some Beer??

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Not you...not donuts!

they will rot your teeth.....

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I'ze sorry/.....

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Best get outta my chair, before

I sit on ya....

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What can I say??

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You can be anything on the internet...

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I bet you would like to get in that beer!!

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I've heard of spoiling the child, But......

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Well, time to go...

Gotta apply for this job.....

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♥♥♥

~~  A father and son went fishing one day.
After a couple hours out in the boat, the boy suddenly
became curious about the world around him.
He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"
 The father thought for a moment, then replied,
"I don't rightly know, son."
The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back
to his father, "How do fish breath underwater?"
 Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
A little later the boy asked, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."
Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad,
do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
 "Of course not, son.
If you don't ask questions ... you'll never learn anything!"

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~~  While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist
capsized his boat.
He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging
to the overturned craft.
Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore,
the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around
for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely
toward the shore.
When he was almost there, he asked the guy,
"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em."

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~~  Reckless drivers may find they have plenty of
hearse-power.

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~~  "You and your husband don't seem to have an awful
lot in common," said the new tenant's neighbor.
"Why on earth did you get married?"
"I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites
attract'," was the reply.
"He wasn't pregnant and I was."

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~~  Our dream of owning a country home had come true.
Once a log cabin, it had been added to and expanded
until it stood majestic on a hill, surrounded by shrubs
and a small orchard.
We were proud and happy.
The first two weeks passed untroubled, then the
nightmare began.
he roof leaked, and the sump pump groaned and whined
to a stop.
The electrical wiring turned itself on and off at will.
The fireplace smoked, and birds flew down the chimney.
Finally after months of repairs and a shrunken bank
account, my husband climbed into the shower,
turned it on and called out to me, "Well, honey,
I think we're finished."
Then half the tile slid off the wall.

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~~    On their way to the pharmacy, a five-minute drive,
my husband and three children wondered why other
drivers were honking their horns.
Upon arriving at a set of traffic lights, a lady in the next
lane rolled down her window and yelled,
"Your cat's on the roof!"

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~~  Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted that he...fathered a
child with his maid.
The woman's husband became suspicious when he
realized she was the first maid to make $1 million a year!

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~~  Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have put
their former mansion on the market for $23.5 million.
It's not that clean though, because they had a maid but
she was always busy doing other stuff.

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~~ You know what's going to happen....
Arnold will......check into a sex addiction clinic, and next
season the maid will go on 'Dancing with the Stars.'

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~~  Descending in a crowded elevator from the rooftop
restaurant, Sherry was jammed between  two friends.
As she listened to their conversation, she repeatedly
turned her head towards one, then the other.
Suddenlyshe became aware that the long feather on her
new hat was brushing across the face of the gentleman
wedged in behind her.........She apologized.
"Think nothing of it," he smiled.
"I’m just tickled to be here. "

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~~  I had an extended tour of duty in Okinawa in 1958
and was unable to bring my wife and children with me.
After I had been overseas eight months, I received a letter
from my seven-year-old son.
"Dear Dad," he wrote; "I guess Mom has told you we've
got a new pop named John."
I was relieved to learn he had made a spelling error.
He was referring to the recently named Pope John XXIII.

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~~  Jen sez; My new boyfriend and I were invited to a
dinner party where I would meet his friends for the first
time.
I baked a rum cake for the occasion but mistakenly
added 150-proof rum instead of the usual.
I went ahead and brought it, hoping heat had burned off
the alcohol..... My hope was in vain.
Offered seconds, one fellow replied, "No thanks,
I'm driving."

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Todays Thought:  You can't have self-government without self-discipline.
Paul Harvey

Rae's trivia....

Some extras....

Tennis pro Evonne Goolagong’s last name means
"Kangaroo’s Nose" in one of Australia’s Aboriginal
languages.

A bird sees everything at once in total focus.
Whereas the human eye is globular and must adjust to
varying distances, the bird’s eye is flat and can take in
everything at once in a single glance.

If a pin were heated to the same temperature as the
center of the Sun, its fierce heat would set everything
within 60 miles ablaze.

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Good Morning...Have a great weekend, did you??
It was very nice around here....
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Pete....What are you doing??

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Any way....she thought it was funny......

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Oh, come on it wasn't that bad...

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Someone has already left a present here....

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Wake up lazy....time to get up..

Damn, you can sleep through anything....

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Bubba, was not amused.....

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Selling Chickens Door to Door.....??

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Went to a football game, this was the seat I was given..

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Thats what I wanna know??

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So true...Try it you just might like it.....

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♥♥♥

~~   One Sunday Pete went to church by himself,
and when he returned home, his wife asked,
"Was the sermon good?"
"Yes," Pete told her.
"What was it about?" she asked.

"Sin."
"What did the minister say?"
"Seems to be against it."

( he's a man of few words...)

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~~  The adult Sunday school class was discussing
formal and informal prayer, when Pete remarked,
"I do some of my best praying while I'm driving."
From the back of the room, in a quiet voice, Pete's wife
agreed, "I, too, do my best praying while you're driving."

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~~  The two partners in a law firm were having lunch
when suddenly one of them jumped up and said,
"I have to go back to the office - I forgot to lock the safe!"
The other partner replied, "What are you worried about?
We're both here."

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~~  I can't quite believe how rude neighbours can be
sometimes.
Last night, I heard our neighbour almost banging our door
down at 3:00am!!!
It's only by pure luck that I happened to be still awake
practicing my bagpipes or I'd have been real mad!

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~~  Early in his career, P. T. Barnum created an exhibit,
entitled "The Happy Family," consisting of a cage
 housing a lion, a tiger, a panther - and a baby lamb.
The remarkable display earned Barnum unprecedented
publicity and attendance figures.
Some time after its opening, Barnum was asked about
 his plans for the happy family.
"The display will become a permanent feature,"
he declared, "if the supply of lambs holds out."

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~~  The young woman entered Dairy Queen and asked,
"What kinds of ice cream do you have?"
"Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry," the boy wheezed as he
spoke, smacked his chest and seemed unable to
continue.
"Do you have laryngitis?" the young lady asked
sympathetically.
"Nope," he whispered, "Just vanilla, chocolate and
strawberry."

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~~  Andy came to work one day, limping something awful.
His co-worker, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what
happened.
 Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. Just an old hockey injury that
acts up once in awhile."
 Josh said, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."
Andy replied, "No, I don't.
I hurt it last year when I lost \$100 on the Stanley Cup
Play-offs........ I put my foot through the television...."

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~~  Remember that as a teenager you are at the last
stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the
phone is for you.

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~~  Restless leg syndrome.
Cmon, what kind of horseshit is that?
Its a syndrome?
Restless leg syndrome?
I have no idea what constitutes a syndrome,
but its a hell of a lot more serious than some freakin
wiggly legs.

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~~  In her first grade class, my friend Elizabeth was
teaching about owls.
She described how the birds swoop down to get their
prey for dinner, then asked the children to draw the scene.
She was puzzled, however, by one drawing of an owl with
its wings neatly folded, its eyes closed and a dead mouse
nearby.
The little girl explained, "It's just like you said:
The owl swoops down and prays before dinner."

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~~  The famed florist Max Schling once ran a brilliant
ad in The New York Times: The copy, entirely in shorthand,
was clipped by thousands of curious businessmen who
naturally asked their secretaries for a translation.
The ad - addressed to these very secretaries - asked them
to remember Schling when the boss wanted flowers for
his wife!

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Todats thought:  "Courage is being scared to death…
and saddling up anyway." - John Wayne

Rae's Trivia.....The man behind the Beanie Babies phenomenon of the
late 1990s is still quite a mystery.
Ty Warner has shunned interviews, and the company’s
financial records and phone number are hard to find.
Reports in 1999 identified Warner as a billionaire and
the richest toy maker in the world.

He purchased New York’s Four Seasons luxury hotel for
$275 million.

   ><(((º> <º)))><

Good Morning...friends...
We're having some nice warm weather...
Showers tonight....
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Got the pool open yet, Pete??

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Oh, No...everyone shhhh!

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I don't care about your Pokemans.....

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You guys are making too much noise.....

Your buddy is trying to save the world....

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????

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Oh, No....not that!!

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Day care center..??

That's cool....

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Another vote down.....

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What can I say??

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Wap!

That's gonna leave a mark.....

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Oh, Noooooo

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♥♥♥

~~  Congress has just announced:
Sunday has been selected as "be nice to a zombie" day.

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~~  A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor
operation.
She is laid on a trolley bed by a lady in a white dress and
brought to the hospital corridor.
Before they enter the room, she leaves the young girl
behind the operating theatre door and goes in to see if
everything is ready.
 A young man wearing a white coat approaches,
takes the sheet away, and starts examining her naked
body.
He walks away and talks to another man wearing a white
coat.
The second man comes over and performs the same
examinations.
 When a third man starts examining her body so closely,
the lady grows impatient and says, "All these
examinations are fine and appreciated,
but when are you going to start the operation?"
 The man in the white coat shrugs his shoulders and says,
"I have no idea.
We're just painting the corridor."

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~~  Osama was buried at sea, so I guess instead of 72
virgins he gets 72 sturgeons.

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~~  Why is it that pubs won't serve me if I'm drunk,
but McDonalds continue serving the fat eaters?
It's hardly fair.

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~~  I've just split up with the missus, she accused me of
talking about nothing other than football, I'm gutted!
I was with her for six seasons.

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~~  I gave my friend all of my viagra pills to look after
and he lost them,... I have no hard feelings though.

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~~  In a physics course, which involved light, electricity
and magnetism, the students were required to read the
week's experiment before coming to class...
At one lab session the student assistant wanted to see
how many of his pupils had actually done so.
"What are the two types of light?" he asked.
The lab fell quiet until one wise guy raised his hand and
said, "Uhhh, actually there are three:
Bud, Coors and Miller!"

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~~  What do you call someone who doesn't fart in public?
A private tutor!!

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~~  Ohio, known as the 17th state, technically did not
become a state until August 7, 1953.
Due to an oversight, Congress never voted on the
resolution to admit Ohio to the Union until that date.

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~~  My wife and I were sitting right behind the driver on
a rickety old bus in Mexico when we drove into a heavy
rainstorm.
I became soaked from water leaking through the rusty
roof and started to complain to my wife.
She grinned and said, "Look behind you."
I turned around. Almost everyone on the bus was dry
and comfortable--holding open umbrellas!

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~~  Harrison Ford was not entirely thrilled with the
prospect of turning 60 in 2002.
While helping girlfriend Calista Flockhart with her new
baby one day, Ford visited a supermarket and asked for
disposable diapers... The teenager behind the counter
dutifully directed Ford to aisle six...
where he was dismayed to find nothing but Depends!

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~~  It's nice to have money and the things money can
buy.
However, it's good, too, to check up once in a while and
make sure that you haven't lost the things that money
cannot buy.

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Todays Thought:  On life's journey it matters not where you started,
nor where you finished, only what you did on the way.

Rae's trivia.....Natural blonds have more hairs on their heads than
redheads or any shade of brunette.
A blond has about 120,000 strands of hair, while a
redhead has about 30 percent fewer strands
about 80,000.
Brunettes are somewhere in between the two.